I am entitled to one or two, crammed in 15 minute timelines, before the sun rises or before the little girl wakes up. Sometimes, I would sit in the toilet with my lighted up candles and an unfinished, creased book by my side- just sitting, thinking, not thinking. just letting my mind wander and letting the emotions run wild.
This morning, I woke up with this sick feeling in my stomach- like warning bells of some sorts.
And it felt like the morning after, the down of the high, the crazy spiraling downward crap.
But I don't know anything wrong with me. Like this emptiness right smack in the middle of my everything.
And I'm not sure where this is heading, or where I'm going.
And I sure as hell don't understand why I am having this 'weighed down moment' in the first place.
Well, I know, but, it's kind of pathetic.
Maybe it's because of the questions.
of the plans that don't go as planned.
of the wishes.
that I don't want to wish.
Maybe it's because of the feeling of being not in control.
Of wanting so much more.
And feeling stuck.
Maybe it's because of impossible things.
Of feeling not right.
Or Maybe it's just the fact that we all want to be so much more
in such a little time.
And I just wanted to shrug IT off.
So this morning, I visited my favorite blogs, found inspiring quotes and posters that well, almost equal the clarity I get from being confined in this toilet corner. And I lighted candles and watched the sunrise. I listened to the sleepy town waking up and little girl softly snoring.
I woke up before my alarm, woke up to witness the quiet before the storm.
And it has always, time and again, given me the best 15 minutes of the day.
I will be in my 'weighed down moments' for some more time, well into the weekend I suppose.
But this time, I won't even pretend it's not HERE.
Today, I will not care if I am actually, in it.
And today, I won't mind feeling this LOST.
Ha!
