And as always, talking about this one mistake leaves me tired and spent.
I hate talking about this past.
Just as he would NEVER understand how things are with me back then.
And I hate remembering how things felt back then.
I don't want to remember the 180 mornings I sat on the front row of the left side of Jupiter chapel and spent hours just sitting. crying. feeling lost.
I don't want to remember how many times I sat in the OB lounge, waiting for the ultrasound, wondering where I'll get the money to pay for the next check-up and feeling fucked up most of the time.
I don't want to remember how I begged to make him stay.
I don't want to remember all the crap that was said.
I don't want to remember the nights when I couldn't sleep that I would spend it doing laundry, mine, my roommates', and re-doing everything after an hour.
I don't want to remember all the fucked up reasons he told me why he's leaving or the things he didn't tell me; and all the more fucked up reasons why I am and/or my family is the one to blame.
I don't want to remember flying home with my 5 month tummy and seeing the quiet disappointment in my family. or the worry that constantly kept them awake most nights.
I don't want to remember all the painful things that occupied this heart for more than three long years.
I don't want to remember a lot of things from that period. And as much as I regret some choices I made in trying to make that crap work - when obviously, it was never the other party's intention in the first place, I cannot help but think that if I never met him - never took that call- never came home for the break, I won't have this little girl in my life now.
Or would I come to realize that I am strong like this.
I am worthy like this.
I am better like this.
After the day was over, when I came home and saw little girl - almost all grown up now, I remember why I have to do this. And why I need to continue seeing this through to finally put an end to this crap.
There is absolutely no other way to truly, finally forget the past other than going through the appearances and putting a legal end to the only remaining connection between now and the past.
And you know, after all the bad things from the before, I also remember how it is in the 180 mornings where I sat on the pew when I can feel the baby kick or move. I also remember how the morning air helped me feel better, more hopeful that one day things will be better as they are now.
I remember the OB telling me I'm having a baby girl and I remember feeling alive, for the first time in months.
And I remember walking out the ER doors, after my SGPT tests, with the new resolve to quit the mourning and begin taking the first step where I am now.
I remember flying home on my 5th month to find my family around me- and realizing that after all the bad things, and after all the future bad things, I have a family to come home to - who will hug me, love me, accept me - crap and more.
I remember my friends who took turns visiting me in M, who called me every waking moment just to say nothing, who also took a bed-rest when I had to, who booked me flights when I am all out, who took me to the ER because I can't drive myself to the hospital, who brought me baby stuff, who brought me TABO at the hospital...
So, I really know now, that all the crap that happened, a lot more good stuff came with it. I can't take the good ones without having to take in the bitter ones too.
And today, I am reminded that after all the crap that I took, I don't deserve to take another round from any other man.
I know now, that I don't have to beg for anyone to stay. or to stand up for me. Because I am okay on my own.
I know now, that I don't have to depend on other people to help me stand up for my responsibility.
I know now, that when we're all cried out, having just a little faith takes us a long, long way.
I know now, that no matter what, when we look back and connect the dots, all things happen for all the right reasons.
This heart is crazy tired from everything, but I know now, that this one will never, ever give up.
