Amazed and Grateful

Today was a great learning experience.

Lil girl and I did the alphabet drills and as I threw a letter in the air, she throws back objects, places or actions with the beginning letter I have given. 

And inasmuch as I wanted to make this a serious activity, she easily made the whole activity a game.

I ended up laughing but trying to keep a straight face all in the same moment.

Amazing how she manages to grab thoughts from the air and string them with her learnings to make absolutely, crazy ideas!

Amazing how she listens to new things and absorbs them like a sponge yet diligently takes each new discovery into dissected scrutiny.

Amazing how she can give examples of one simple thought from two polar and almost contradictory ideas - and yet prove that both can comfortably merge.

Amazing how she lets me see that everyday with her I still discover new things about my daughter and about myself.

Amazing how she can turn any given day into something extraordinary.

Amazing how she takes all my stress and turn them into gratefulness.

Amazing how she turns this upside down, crazy boring weekend into something worthy of the scrapbook.

Amazing how this little girl has evolved from being the uptight, moody, snotty little toddler (but still extremely loveable) into a carefree, friendly and still undeniably lovable little princess.

Amazing what a few minutes of conversations about the day-to-day happenings, dreams of the future and desires of the heart reveal about the numerous and countless ideas, thoughts and feelings that run through in this five-year old kiddo.

It's amazing how the Lord puts everything into place -- all in the right places at the right time. 

I am amazed.

And humbled for everything I have right now.

And of course, forever thankful.

I think, with this, I have finally ended my self-pity, DQ days.

And again, I affirm and reiterate to myself that I have zero problems that I cannot see through.
What can be so wrong with what I have now that merit a stressful, woeful state of mind?

Cybercrime, anyone?

Yesterday, on my way to work, I passed by an old man driving -- pedaling his way through the market. It's an ordinary sight in this small city, especially when you pass by Cogon area. But what struck me most was that this man is already reeeaaaally old. Old like my grandma.

Well, almost as old as my grandma- she's already 94. And this man, depsite his old age, is working since the break of dawn, breaking bones for maybe, some coffee and bread. He was sweating, and having difficulty navigating his way driving a passenger half his age-- and this, actually almost made me cry. It was seeing him do so much hard work at his age.

It was a moment that affected me because I was struck by how deeply entrenched poverty is in our country. Yet it's gravity, it's reality is sadly reduced to just statistics by politicians, and worse, by people like me and you.

Cybercrime law was recently passed in this country and I, among so many others, joined the clamor protesting this form of censorship. I understand the key points of this bill, and how it strives to protect us all from the bad and mean things that happen in the net. But to highlight libel and the reiterate the fact that we cannot voice out what we need to say, need to convey for fear of being slapped by the newly trained PNP is quite frankly, similar to an authoritarian society.

And on the very same day this law was passed and enacted, I saw this old man pedaling his way for a living. He doesn't care about the Cybercrime Law or Cybercrime itself. He doesn't have facebook or twitter; or a blog where he can lambast politicians for the state he and majority of our countrymen is in.

He doesn't care who among the elected senators are more "witty" or more "marunong" or even more "sikat". He has bigger problems to carry. We, the working class, have much bigger problems to worry about.

Of which, our senators and the whole populi should try finding ways to resolve.

So what have we been up to?

Honestly, I felt guilty too, I guess, when I saw that old man.

Joking in FB about having a "one new arrest pending" in response to the cybercrime law being passed seemed so petty.

Complaining about the workload that I have is stupid. I should be glad I have a job that doesn't require to break bones from hard, manual labor.

Requesting manang to put coffee on before I wake up so I can wake to the smell of the brew now sounds single-mindedly selfish.

And this man, that old man that I saw, should have the chance to be selfish too.
To be able to rest his bones at the end of the day, without having to worry about tomorrow. (well, we all worry about tomorrow..)
But he should have better benefits: better health care (there is no healthcare for people who do manual labor here in this country!), better purchasing power, safer environment.

These basic rights, these we should have and should be readily available to everyone. These should have been prioritized by our government officials. Our Senators have proven that a bill can be passed and be enacted in a swift motion. It was possible with Cybercrime Law, it should be possible for the RH Bill, Anti-Discrimantion bill, Solo Parent Act, Anti Poverty?

On the positive note of all this cybercrime hoolabaloo, it's the fact that hey, our Senators can write a bill, pass it and make it Law. We can make things happen! We can make laws better than this Cybercrime/Anti-Label campaign.

We can be more than this.

So, cybercrime and poverty. Is it really a tough a choice?

Who wants to be second fiddle?

I can tell by just looking at little girl's face that she's going down with some bad-ass flu.

When I pulled into the driveway tonight, she was there all smiles, albeit no jumping up and down, but still with hands waving and a Mommy Mommy that automatically drowns out my radio. But I saw instantly that she isn't feeling so well.

And that's why I'm still awake and writing some plans and constantly checking if she's sleeping soundly now.

It's never a good weekend when little girl is sickie.
Especially if I'm not well enough to take really good care of her.

So I do what I always do when I'm borderline panicking: I list the to do's.

*check on her temperature
* double the honey
* lysol the whole damn room tomorrow
* give her plenty of sunshine, rest and love!

If all doesn't work, we'll just have to check in with the Pulmo-Pedia after the dentist's appointment. :(

And I'm worrying too cuz it's her second Mastery Exams on Monday. We do have TONS work to do.
Even though she aced - really ACED- every quiz this quarter. (hooray!) And earned not just one, but two SUNS with excellent's on both hands.

She's always been the bright girl - I never doubted it. But I worried constantly.
Yet I tell her, it's okay to be second. or third. or even tenth.
But you know, why settle when you know you could be on the top?

Is it mindless pressure?
Or just encouragement?
Is it pushing?
Or just prodding and making sure she maximizes her abilities?

I'm still on the middle ground on this.I haven't really been consistently the Tiger Mom I would like to be. I get swayed by her toothless grins. Or "come on, Mommy" pouts.

I don't really tell her to study when she doesn't want to. But I tell her to read her books or go over her lessons when she just wants to watch cartoons the whole day.

I don't really tell her either that she can go on with this life without much stars in her report cards that can fill up an entire sky, but a whole wall of it won't hurt right?

I don't make her write letters, do number drills or repeat phonetics for hours no end. But I constantly inject learning even in our most mundane moments. And I make her "reviewers" so she can browse through when she isn't particularly busy with Strawberry Shortcake.

My little girl doesn't need so much prodding or tutoring, but every child needs a firm hand in taking these little learnings a little more seriously than the usual attention being given.

So what, if she's still in Kindergarten?

Isn't there a book that said All Things We Need to learn, we learned in Kindergarten?

I take things too literally :)

But tonight, I don't really give so much a damn to the Mastery Exams on Monday.
I just want this little snowball curled by my side to be pretty energetic and all enthusiasm over the weekend.

Please, flu bug, asthma attacks, colds.. go away.
I think you've done this mommy already enough damage.

You don't have to include little girl in this miserable cold-sniffing, room-arrest weekend.

Wishes and Pumpkins and everything in between

oh my, is it Christmas already?

Not quite.

But it has been over a month since me and little girl celebrated our birthdays, and as I am here sitting on my sick bed and waiting for the little know-it-all to come home from school, I found myself browsing through our pictures from waaaaaay back to the recent ones we took in celebration of Simone's 5th. AND I am overwhelmed by the sheer happiness my daughter's presence in my life has given me.

5th. Wow.  Imagine that?

For five years in a row now, I have been celebrating my birthday with the knowledge that I am celebrating it with someone more special than I am (realllly!)
For five years in a row now, the birthdays I celebrate are no longer just about what I would do or what I want-- it has evolved into something bigger than I am: it has become all about this little baby who keeps growing before my very eyes.
For five years in a row now, our joint birthday celebrations have become one of the highlights of our years together.

5 Years of just pure love. I would have doubted I would ever get this far.
But now, I doubt if I will ever DOUBT this ever again. :)

I guess when you're almost 30, you get to be sentimental often. Always hovering over the difficult past and watching yourself transform into something quite like pure steel and cottony soft all at the same time in the present.

And you get to think of all the self-help books that you devoured, the words of encouragement in post-its pasted on walls, books, monitors and mirrors, the nightly notes, the morning prayers, and the constant search for the one thing that will heal all the pain -- has finally paid off.

This week was the pre-trial of the annulment case. And as the dates of the formal hearing were ratted out, I felt the utmost serenity that I have been searching for so long.

I listened to the petition, and heard the words minced with a few regrets and bitterness, yet I found myself at peace with everything. No hate, no anger, no nothing. Like credits rolling at the end of the screen, it was good/bad while it lasted.

But it's ending.

For me, this is my ticket to freedom - complete and unbounded freedom.

No more confusion in filling up forms (married.single.separated.crapped and shoved like trash);
Significantly less than questions about the past (people actually move on from issues, you know);
No more reminders of the nightmares (and all the painful exchange of words);
No more unwanted news from the people over the fence (ugh, the world does not revolve around you);
No more NOTHING about the past I keep trying to bury with a hatchet. (seriously.).

But before all this:

We celebrated our birthdays at home with close family and great friends. We bought a few treats to lil gurl's classmates, baked home-made cupcakes and huffed balloons and uttered wishes after wishes!

I got a bouquet of red roses on my birthday for the first time in whole life - seriously!

Lilttle Girl all smiles from her birthday mass. With the cupcake and balloons we made for her.

Little Girl saying grace.

The cupcakes we tried so hard to make! lolz

All Joy.

Happy Birthday Lil One.

This year, to celebrate our birthdays, we visited SG with our family also. It was a short trip with a thousand memorable moments. Little girl never stopped talking about it for weeks! And it was just beautiful to hear over and over.

The family meeting Puss in Boots

Chinatown love

This trip was a series of many firsts for the little girl: first roller coaster ride, first long travel time; first to pack her things herself; first to hear people speak in a different language; first to try eating ice cream from the streets; first to actually see a whole new world beyond her imagination!

It was a series of firsts for me as well. Which, come to think of it, I guess is the primary reason why I love holding joint celebrations with the little one. She has always given me the series of first moments to look forward to. And has always allowed me to experience the magic in discoveries.

Like the moment - when I held her for the first time in my life- smelling all that sweet and baby-ish.
It's Me feeling like a brand new mother all over again.

And you know, it's like this every year, I get to receive the best present over and over.

******

As September rolled in, I couldn't help but think of the wishes we made and the goals we listed earlier this year. I excitedly checked the ones we did accomplish and contemplate on the other bullet points that we intend to do.

And of course, we added a bunch of new stuff in the bucket list/ wish list too: Including but not limited to:

* Lounging in the beaches of Bali
* Paying off the equity for a new place
* Paying off all my credit card debts (LOLZ)
* Taking little girl to see a real Princess castle
* Renovating the bedroom, to include her wish of flat screen TV and cable (yes, she really did wish for this!)

And as I sit here, hoping that my strength will return, I look at my own wishes;

* Finality. (By next year hopefully.)
* Peace of Mind (Thank you, God)
* Good health for me, little girl and the friends and family that we love

Year in and Year out, I think I am getting all most of my heart's wishes just right before I turn 30 and into a beautiful pumpkin :)

What have you been doing these past weeks?

Almost there

Yesterday, I appeared at the fiscal's office for the annulment case to officially start things moving. And to officially shift things in full gear.

And as always, talking about this one mistake leaves me tired and spent. 

I hate talking about this past.

Sometimes   Most of the time, I just want to forget it ever existed. I am just so sick and tired of hearing the other party's "hate" opinion. And as there are two sides of the story, his will always remain as something I can NEVER understand.

Just as he would NEVER understand how things are with me back then.

And I hate remembering how things felt back then.

I don't want to remember the 180 mornings I sat on the front row of the left side of Jupiter chapel and spent hours just sitting. crying. feeling lost.

I don't want to remember how many times I sat in the OB lounge, waiting for the ultrasound, wondering where I'll get the money to pay for the next check-up and feeling fucked up most of the time. 

I don't want to remember how I begged to make him stay.

I don't want to remember all the crap that was said.

I don't want to remember the nights when I couldn't sleep that I would spend it doing laundry, mine, my roommates', and re-doing everything after an hour.

I don't want to remember all the fucked up reasons he told me why he's leaving or the things he didn't tell me; and all the more fucked up reasons why I am and/or my family is the one to blame. 

I don't want to remember flying home with my 5 month tummy and seeing the quiet disappointment in my family. or the worry that constantly kept them awake most nights.

I don't want to remember all the painful things that occupied this heart for more than three long years.

I don't want to remember a lot of things from that period. And as much as I regret some choices I made in trying to make that crap work - when obviously, it was never the other party's intention in the first place, I cannot help but think that if I never met him - never took that call- never came home for the break, I won't have this little girl in my life now.

Or would I come to realize that I am strong like this.

I am worthy like this.

I am better like this.

After the day was over, when I came home and saw little girl - almost all grown up now, I remember why I have to do this. And why I need to continue seeing this through to finally put an end to this crap.

There is absolutely no other way to truly, finally forget the past other than going through the appearances and putting a legal end to the only remaining connection between now and the past.

And you know, after all the bad things from the before, I also remember how it is in the 180 mornings where I sat on the pew when I can feel the baby kick or move. I also remember how the morning air helped me feel better, more hopeful that one day things will be better as they are now.

I remember the OB telling me I'm having a baby girl and I remember feeling alive, for the first time in months.

And I remember walking out the ER doors, after my SGPT tests, with the new resolve to quit the mourning and begin taking the first step where I am now.

I remember flying home on my 5th month to find my family  around me- and realizing that after all the bad things, and after all the future bad things, I have a family to come home to - who will hug me, love me, accept me - crap and more.

I remember my friends who took turns visiting me in M, who called me every waking moment just to say nothing, who also took a bed-rest when I had to, who booked me flights when I am all out, who took me to the ER because I can't drive myself to the hospital, who brought me baby stuff, who brought me TABO at the hospital...

So, I really know now, that all the crap that happened, a lot more good stuff came with it. I can't take the good ones without having to take in the bitter ones too.

And today, I am reminded that after all the crap that I took, I don't deserve to take another round from any other man.

I know now, that I don't have to beg for anyone to stay. or to stand up for me. Because I am okay on my own.

I know now, that I don't have to depend on other people to help me stand up for my responsibility. 

I know now, that when we're all cried out, having just a little faith takes us a long, long way.

I know now, that no matter what, when we look back and connect the dots, all things happen for all the right reasons.

This heart is crazy tired from everything, but I know now, that this one will never, ever give up.

Of Weddings and Eternity

To the most fun couple we know

We thank you for allowing us to be part of this joyous occasion.

Cheers to Amour and Beth's beautiful wedding rites

and to a more fun-filled and laughter filled life together!

Moving from A to B and stuck in between

Wow.

Today, I won the Laziest Person Alive award.

It's the city's charter day and even though most are still reeling from the Independence Day Holiday (with all the Makibaka, Maki-isa activities), it meant nothing more to me than an additional day to make this weekend worthwhile.

What does Charter Day even mean in the first place?

Crap.

That's how utterly insignificant my political awareness has been lately.

Today, I spent 6 whole hours absolutely prostate in bed, without a shower, without a comb or a thought. lolz and it was the most relaxing, most liberating feeling in such a long time!

I have been feeling THIS tired the past weeks, for God knows what, and the thoughts of just lounging in the sun or making pancakes while Norah Jones is playing on an early morning (not rushing sunny side ups because I am running late for work again) keep running in my mind.

And I keep on re-drawing my plans, finding a way to move the "retirement" plans few years - no, few decades earlier!  Simply because, I feel like I want to stay at home and just make breakfasts.

I keep making multiple choices - re-arranging my long term plans and summing them all (or discarding the ones in place) with a few out of this world options:

A. Sell all my assets (what assets?!) and pay off all my financial obligations, take a backpack (and a lil backpack) and embark on a remarkable around the world journey with little one.

B. Invest - and resign from my job and take on a no-brainer, no effort  near the house kind of work and get paid minimum wage. At least, it's just a day - in, day out kinda thing.

C. Sell something, build a little house in the mountain, plant vegetables and corn, make pancake breakfasts and camote, and become a full time mom to lil gurl (so how do I pay her tuition again?!)

D. weellll. suck it up. Wait for my annulment to come out, get the stuff done, and embark on a new phase by the time I hit 3-0. (So far, I AM still on schedule! what's my problem again?)

Man, This has got to be past-quarter life crisis, I am sure of it.

So, in my attempt to discover the ISSUES that I keep coming up with, I tried a different approach this time.
I have traded the inner-self discussions with nothing; I switched from contemplating to just chilling; Overthinking to Just Letting Go.

And so today, on my first day of this really long journey, I wasted spent the entire day in Pajamas, watching Narnia with Coco and ate melted marshmallows over Koko Crunch.

Since Cuzn T is here for the long weekend, we also spent the day doing art projects - mixing water color paintings with cut-outs and drawings and lining them up against the garden wall just for the heck of it.

We ate overcooked milk pancakes and boiled sab-a, overly sour adobo, and of course, Jollibee Chicken Joy.

AND we re-discovered the art of palanay; It is freedom from all the stress, the self-imposed pressure and the never-ending must-do's;

It's being free from the worldly wants that keep multiplying exponentially; the timelines that we diligently follow, and frankly, it's also being temporarily free from the rat race we call a lot of things.

As the sun sinks at the horizon, I finally understood the main reason why the nation takes time to celebrate Independence Day and charter days - it's to give us overworked (lolz), underpaid (yes) laborers our much needed day-off :D

To collect ourselves that have seemingly spread thin trying to make ends meet

And maybe, in this short of a holiday, earn back a piece of that sanity we hold on to most dear too!