When you won't feel, you can't understand

I don't wanna admit it. But it's true. I don't wanna see the signs, but I can hear the sirens. And as much as I'd like to completely ignore it, I couldn't. And so I get a haircut. Since my stylist, Peter, is on leave today, they gave me another one. And just so I could satisfy whatever it is that I am searching for, I agreed.

And I became Dora without the bangs.

It's all worse now. I look like a kid stuck in a twenty-something woman's body. Or a twenty-something woman in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Getting a haircut is supposed to make me feel better. Like online shopping. Like chocolates and thirty minutes of cardio. Like writing. But none really, actually works. Cuz I don't really even know why there's such a rain cloud hovering over me. BUT i don't feel like rationalizing emotions. Or probing deeper by writing more into this. Thus, I couldn't understand.

Have you ever felt this way? Like a million things yet you couldn't find a single word to describe whatever it is? Or if you do, you can't really say it. Cuz you don't really wanna admit it? I feel like crap. Some days i just gotta admit that.

I've been spending my weekends sleeping when my lil gurl is, cooking when I can, writing less, and watching movies more, dressing up online models and choosing clothes after clothes. And I know something is wrong. Cuz I also don't feel like talking. I feel like just keeping my mouth shut. Like most words have left me. Except when I'm with Coco, she lifts my spirits up in an instant. But now, that when she's asleep and I'm here, trying to string words together, I feel like just staring at the monitor. And doing nothing. Feeling nothing. Thinking about nothing.

SIGH. NOTHING is not even close. Cuz if it were, then I could have written a thousand words on the keywords assigned to me this week.

What gives??