Through the Lonely to the Other Side

What they say about coming out at the end of the tunnel is true: it's always far better than we actually hoped for.

Birthdays always reminds me of the past that even go years back. And it also always reminds me of the better things ahead too. I remember feeling happy then feeling scared to be happy. Mostly because I felt that maybe one day, that happiness will be taken from me: In a form of betrayal, deception or just taken away, literally.

Then most of the time, the fear outweighs the feeling of actually FEELING the joy of things.

But you know, lately, the fear has seemed to dissipate over time. And for some time now, I have really begun to feel the happiness that I have long anticipated.

AND I'm no longer afraid too.

My family has been through a lot of things, a series of disappointments among those years too. But when I look at their smiling faces, hear my little girl's laughter and find the littlest of things making sense, I just find this.. this peace, quietly taking place in my otherwise troubled heart.

This morning, my morning paper carried an article on "what it takes to be a family".. And I felt validated. Maybe even vindicated too. But more of.. well, just happy. (I say that word A LOT these days, lolz) The author grew up in a single parent household, and she said that although she felt somewhat different, or distant, from her classmates and her community, she realized that she has turned out to be quite "normal" like her friends from "whole" families or even better.

The author also went on to say that the key to having this kind of confidence, this kind of achievement was that her solo parent household showered her with love, love and more love. And the feeling of being at home- comfortable in her own skin, own family, own friends..

AND you see, I think I'm completely normal too, to find myself almost crying in joy, when little girl tells me stories about her classes, about her thoughts, her feelings.. And when she tells me she loves me and that she knows I love her back too. Because I think, my fear of things going wrong may not be so anymore. Because, deep down, I know that I have done my best and for the first time in a really long time, I think my best has been good enough. OR even better. :)

Happy Birthday Month to both me and lil one. Cliche, but true, love always brings us through tunnels of our lives.

Complicating the Simple. Simplifying the Complex.....

If it isn't a bad dream that wakes me up in the middle of the night, it's the anticipation of a good one.

Life has always been tougher than usual with me, but lately, I find that it hasn't really been so. Maybe I was born a drama queen, or maybe, I over-think things too much that even the simplest become complicated.

This month, our birth month, is one big celebration of the simple complexity of our lives: Mine and Lil bear's. And for every weekend we spent blowing candles, eating cakes and just really lounging together is a testament to how the tough always gets the best things.

AND I feel, that hey, when life was hard before, this. THIS, right now is my reward.

We realize, that, when we marvel at the simple COMPLEXITY of things, we stand in amazement at how SIMPLY beautiful and wonderful our day to day is.

This year, we hope for our dreams to come true. AND we hope to do more better things for the people around us too.

Tonight, as I actually, weirdly, feel my heart skip a beat again, I take my good friend G's words as I sleep: Enjoy the feeling :)

Yes, that, I will do.

Ah, to be young again!

The Kind of Man

Ahhhh. I am always at a loss of words after.

and I couldn't help but sigh.

The sometimes good/sometimes bad kind of sighing- the one that entails daydreaming.

and smiling.

and wishing it could have been different.

But there, there lies the beauty of this thing they call so many names...

And the words the father has spoken in the movie, ADAM, reverberates clearly in my head.

Because what I cannot fully explain, he has spoken with such eloquence in ten words or less.

And I know, that the man he described so aptly is the same kind of man I want in my life- the kind of man that every woman deserves.

No need for more words from hereon.. because, Oh yes, I still dream about that kind of man and I know he exists (after all!)

Hello, 28.

Wow, i'm 28 now. :)

I seriously waited for midnight so I can actually savor what's left of my 27th. And as I snuggled beside lil one, with my laptop and one of my closest friend, R, on chat, I find that the last intriguing thoughts on the last few mins of my 27th year was of an ex.

LOLZ

And the fact that it's so weird to be even talking about the one from YEARSSSSSS ago. What's weirder? It's the actual consideration of me and him, after all the shit. Because THAT was from crazy, kiddy past. And it chills me to the bone. AND manages to get a giggle out from me.

EK.

Not a good thought on the first day of my 28th.

Anyhow.

This year, I only wish for one thing. and a gazillion other 'moments'. BUT tonight, I am just thankful that in my 27 years, I have met the people I would want to spend the next 27+++++ years of my life with.

Precisely, because, if there was one thing I wouldn't change in my past, it's the US that I have found along the way.

And you bet, right here, right now, I have those that matter most closest to my heart.

Thank you, God for another chance to experience another beautiful year of your Grace.

These great walls.

The worst thing about fighting for something is running into a solid, brick wall.
The kind that no matter the series of options that you present: over, under or around it,
the only acceptable option is the one that requires you to push THROUGH it.

And we wonder why we couldn't take the im in impossible.

A few months, years back, when i stumble into these great, brick walls, i exhaust everything- including
my energy and arguments to forge the other paths. But lately, i just take it as it is.

As such, my new mantra is: LET GO.

And suddenly, the worst thing has become anything just short of best and triumph.
It is quite effective in reducing the stress levels by significant portions.
.
Maybe it comes with ageing, we get tired of being aggressive. Of finding ways. Of arguments. But hopefully, never tire of critical thinking.

I doubt if we can ever shake off the frustration though. That we can just shrug and surrender to the idea that these effin walls will forever be WALLS- standing formidably tall longer than we expect or hope for.

I guess, the beauty of these walls are not entirely found in the actual head banging, crashing or pushing through them. But also in the process of finding and mind-picking the different creative options of getting past them.

In the end of the whole process, we see to realize, that these walls have their one true purpose-- to be just as they are.

So, as we sit from a distance, watching the entirety of these BRICKS from afar, we couldn't help but admire their outstanding, unwavering, marvelous presence.

What's life without them?