Through the Lonely to the Other Side

What they say about coming out at the end of the tunnel is true: it's always far better than we actually hoped for.

Birthdays always reminds me of the past that even go years back. And it also always reminds me of the better things ahead too. I remember feeling happy then feeling scared to be happy. Mostly because I felt that maybe one day, that happiness will be taken from me: In a form of betrayal, deception or just taken away, literally.

Then most of the time, the fear outweighs the feeling of actually FEELING the joy of things.

But you know, lately, the fear has seemed to dissipate over time. And for some time now, I have really begun to feel the happiness that I have long anticipated.

AND I'm no longer afraid too.

My family has been through a lot of things, a series of disappointments among those years too. But when I look at their smiling faces, hear my little girl's laughter and find the littlest of things making sense, I just find this.. this peace, quietly taking place in my otherwise troubled heart.

This morning, my morning paper carried an article on "what it takes to be a family".. And I felt validated. Maybe even vindicated too. But more of.. well, just happy. (I say that word A LOT these days, lolz) The author grew up in a single parent household, and she said that although she felt somewhat different, or distant, from her classmates and her community, she realized that she has turned out to be quite "normal" like her friends from "whole" families or even better.

The author also went on to say that the key to having this kind of confidence, this kind of achievement was that her solo parent household showered her with love, love and more love. And the feeling of being at home- comfortable in her own skin, own family, own friends..

AND you see, I think I'm completely normal too, to find myself almost crying in joy, when little girl tells me stories about her classes, about her thoughts, her feelings.. And when she tells me she loves me and that she knows I love her back too. Because I think, my fear of things going wrong may not be so anymore. Because, deep down, I know that I have done my best and for the first time in a really long time, I think my best has been good enough. OR even better. :)

Happy Birthday Month to both me and lil one. Cliche, but true, love always brings us through tunnels of our lives.