A grateful heart is a contented heart

God, sometimes my drama is excruciatingly sickening.

lolz

The first thing that greeted me this morning was my post about feeling crappy. I know, some days, I just feel like in the dumps. But on my normal days, i don't think I actually, really am. :)

I know for a fact that I am blessed more than I appreciate that I am.

So, I chuckled when I read the post.

Although the crappy feeling was real, I am thankful that a handful, pail-full of tears and a box-full of tissue solved the never-ending drama in my life.

The crying always works.

Today, I met a woman who had a chip on her shoulder.
We talked and I learned of the blacks and blues.
And the things that I have been spared of.
And I realize, that despite my challenges and my drama,
I should be just thankful instead.

So.

I am thankful for every night I snuggle with lil gurl.
For the mornings that greet me beside her.

I am thankful for the laughter that we laugh.
The tears that we cry.

I am thankful for the quaint tea shop my Cuzn T introduced to me.
And for the life conversations we have with people we don't likely expect.
I am thankful for weekends with my little one.
For the 'moments' that we have.
I am thankful for the stories I can tell.
And for the lessons we learn.
I am thankful for my friends who always know when to call, what to say or what not.
For hugs that transcend even great distances.
I am thankful for my job - that keeps me busy and feeling productive.
For something that has made everything tumble into place.

I am thankful that I am building my own little kitchen.
And the idea that I can start baking again.

I am thankful for my dreams.
For my plans of the future and the fact that there will always be hope.
I am thankful for my faith that never wavers despite everything.
For the prayers that we say.
I am thankful for the words that always come tumbling out
laying my feelings and thoughts down.

I am thankful for the everyday learnings.
And realizations.
And the strangers that we meet everyday.

I am thankful for the fact that I feel beautiful most of the time.
(REALLY!!)

And most importantly, I am thankful for the someone who constantly thinks I am.
Despite the lbs, the pimples or stress. or the attitude.

I am thankful for the fact that I have friends who still believe in fairytales.
because of them, I feel like I can have mine :)

Ah the Questions we CAN answer

I thought I was gonna lose my mind last week. But thankfully, things worked out quite well.

Some nights ago, while I was brushing lig gurl's hair before bedtime, she told me:

"Ma, I have a bad Daddy."

And I asked her, "Who told you that?"

"Just in my mind," She said and further explained "Because he doesn't take care of us."

How does she manage to chain these kind of thoughts together? And how do you refute something that is the just the Truth? How do you change the way she thinks or feels about her non-existent father, when you can't teach her or give her things that are not there in the first place?

When lil gurl was born, I told myself I will raise her alone, in the best possible way I know how.
And I will not let her grow up feeling lacking, just because her biological father is quite - well, something not great. And I will make sure she won't hear a single bad thing about him - so I decided to keep my otherwise unpalatable opinion of him to myself.

Afterall, no matter how many times he will deny my daughter's existence, the fact will remain that she is his offspring. The Daughter he did not deserve and will, ironically, never be his.

As much as I'd like to tell her there is NO Daddy in the picture, I opted to say the right thing:

So I told Lil Gurl: "Your Daddy is not bad. He just made choices in his life that me or you are not part of. And that does not make him bad, it's just how we go about life."

I'm not sure it was enough of an explanation but lil gurl said: "It's okay that he did not include me or you, or us. You take care of me. I have the best mommy in the whole world!"

And she said this with a hug for me that you can't even begin to imagine!

So, if you were in my place, how do you keep the damn tears from falling? Most difficult, i tell you. But you know, when you see this little kid trying to figure out things that most kids don't even think about at her age, you just can't cry and break down.

You just have to put on your strong face and tell her things are just Normal. perfect, even.

All things dissected and discussed, I told myself that whatever we think about so often, and whatever we say, usually happens and usually comes back to us.

And whatever we sow today, we will surely reap tomorrow.

So I constantly reminded myself the whole of last week of the Law of Attraction.

And it is still right that I keep my mouth shut. At the end of the day, I didn't tell my little girl bad things about him. The fact is we don't talk about him at all - except in some moments as these, and always in general perspective.

Today, I woke up with all things in perspective.

What's wrong if it's just me and her?

That's not enough to bring me down, sucker.

Lil gurl has been nagging me about getting a mocha frappe for twenty-one days now.

And I tell her: When we have enough money, we'll get those expensive treats.

For now, we need to save money because we don't have so much and because we have a big project.

One of the nights I cried silently, crying those two-minute sobs - just because I feel like crap, lil gurl tells me

"Ma, even if we don't have so much money, I still think we have the best life right now"

AND I tell myself: What in the world did I do to deserve such a wonderful daughter?

Who knocks me to my senses when I'm in the brink of losing it.

Okay, I admit, I'm such a DQ.

Though I have been feeling more of half-empty nowadays, I told myself I will see things as half-full. After all, what could possibly be wrong in my life that I couldn't handle, right?

I spent the five days of holiday just doing nothing - just driving around, eating out with Coco, staring at my ceiling at night and asking myself all those gazillion questions I have. And I awake with with the same answer: nothing, and just more questions.

As I realize that the people who are constantly bringing me down are the very same people I care deeply about is just another fact of life that I need to swallow whole - with all the bitterness and anger in.

And if I couldn't find the logic in everything that is happening, or if I couldn't accept whole-heartedly the things I have or hear, or even feel, I must overcome them. 

At that moment, I had a choice: to let it get to me or to rise above it.

And today, right now, I choose to rise above it.

I will stick with my plan. I know I am on track and within timeline.

I will keep my mouth shut. No matter what!

I will take the insults and turn them into a challenge.

I will accept that there are things in this life that will never sit well with me. And I shouldn't care.

I will understand that my life is not normal to begin with and it will never be.

AND I will, from this day forward, count my blessings as they come.

I am blessed in more ways than one. If I need to remind myself of that every chance I get, I will. 

I will believe in myself even if it's just me who's left believing.

So, if they think, a few insults here and there, some bullying and more hurtful actions will bring me down, well, too bad, it ain't enough.

Down the Trash Bin

Can I just rant?

I came home from a really tiring day at work -.- after getting stuck in traffic with motorcycle drivers driving crazy all over the city, after listening to some colleagues squabble about SENSELESS, childish crap and after dealing with a diva client-- ALL THIS with a serious case of headache.

And I come home to a brat and hearing the nanny complain about the whole day of today for a straight ten minutes. Half-listening and half-worrying that I should start looking for another nanny.

or another house.

Don't you just feel like, shit, I've had IT!? I'm neck deep in mad frustration right now.

I'm really, seriously tired and I think I don't need this crap at the end of the day.

Also because..

Today, I feel like I always mess things up. No matter how I crazy try, I always have some stupid excuse to do one right thing wrong.

Today, I feel like I am this small, when I really wanna be THIS great.

Today, I feel like I am not doing anything right in my life.

Today, for the first time in more than four years, I feel that little girl just doesn't appreciate anything I do for her or tell her.

And I don't know how to handle it.

More than this anger that I feel right now, I'm just honestly, heart-breakingly disappointed on how things are going.

I don't know how to make my daughter listen to me.

I don't know how to tell her things and stick these things in her head.

I don't know how to discipline her without worrying that maybe I'm doing all this wrong.

I don't know if I will ever learn to type using the typewriter.

I don't know if I actually know what I'm doing in my job.

Or am I just messing things.

Today, of all the days, I just don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Or what the hell I'm doing all this for?

I am this             close to giving up.

Cuz, I am gonna admit it, it's not easy being me.

Right now, It's effing difficult! Difficult like drowning - choking - dying kinda difficult.

I don't know how to juggle everything, keep it all together and actually do things right.

I am a mess.

And right now, I just feel like





....



crap.