What gives?

I woke up in the middle of sleep last night, with a nightmare just hanging above my head. I rose to wash my face, and stared back at the person with the sad eyes - looking right back at me for a stretch of time.

I must have stayed there, staring back with the faucet still running and with my heavy heart in my throat.

Such a long time I had a dream like that. I didn't  know what to make of it.
But it left such sadness, such moments of regret or well, loneliness even, lingering.

Maybe because I was heart-breakingly sad, even in that dream.

Or maybe because, I was exactly who I was in that dream.
I still said the same lines, did the same things as if I were awake or sober.

And it's sad.

Because I know what is here, deep in this stone of a heart.

I know it for a fact. like a part of every fiber of my body.
A memory I just can't shake off.

But you know, when I wake up (or even in the dream), I still don't give myself the liberty to say the things I want to say. Or do the things I want to do.

Because, as much as I don't want to admit it, this is the way I am. Now. or before. or in the future.
I can't change it. and I feel like I will be chained by these emotions until I find the courage to actually do something unlikely.

Which is also unlikely to ever happen.

Yesterday, me and lil gurl watched a movie and grabbed a pizza with a friend of mine.
I won't deny that I have always been exclusive and I have always been particular to keeping the personal space personal.

But recently, I'm actually letting someone tag along.

And although it is kinda scary, I feel quite okay with it. And most importantly, lil gurl is okay with it too.

Weird. But it's nice :) Nice. But scary.