The Story of the Little Orange Heart

I went home crying. Literally walking, riding a cab home, knocking on our gate crying. Sobbing. Choking.

Red Eyes. Red Nose. Tears streaming down my face kind of thing.

PATHETIC. I know.

But I have never encountered a person,as excruciatingly difficult as mine. NEVER in my entire life. Until now.

And although I want to keep the professional problem within the confines of my cubicle, sometimes, it is just TOOOOO much.

So I cried and cried and cried until my head hurts like it's been hammered in. And I cried until I couldn't see through my tears. I cried until I sat down and wished 15 will roll out sooner than soonest.

I cried even if my little one threw her arms around me and rested her small head on my shoulders. She just hugged me, just like that. We sat there in the couch, with me sobbing like crazy and I couldn't even manage a squeak, and I wonder why in the world are there people who are born to be mean with a capital M.E.A.N.

For the first time, I admitted, this has finally gotten me. I'm so broken, so down, so affected by this shitty treatment I've been getting, that I couldn't sleep nights, couldn't eat right, couldn't laugh much... Cuz you know, I value an honest day's work the way I value my kid. And he's just, well, shitting all over it!

I have been an honest worker, I work hard, I do my best. I make an effort to learn, to become better everyday, to be an asset. For the past three years with the team, I think I deserve more than this kind of going away treatment.

At the very least, I deserve to be treated with respect.

But it's okay. I'm pressing on, pushing forward, getting through this one day at a time. I'm not giving in, not yet, not now.

Little girl smiled and hugged me more to chase my tears away. And as she showed me today's artwork, she said I can include "mommie also" under her name.

This little orange heart, that my little one painstakingly, lovingly put together this morning has stopped my tears from flooding in. God has His ways of comforting such a broken, tired soul as mine, He posted a note on my fridge.

A little reminder that despite all these that happened today, God loves Me and my little girl.

And that all things broken, like the little orange heart, can also be pasted back. With God in the middle, a star on the side and a little girl smiling bright.

I CAN DO THIS! I AM NOT GIVING UP!!!

Growing Up

The past week had been a mess. I had been a mess.

I have never been humiliated, insulted, cheered on, inspired, tired, and completely out of sync - all in a matter of days. All in a week's time. All because of one resignation letter. One choice to finally move on.

All because I finally found the courage to break free.

A few days back, I decided to leave my comfort zone. Contrary to what most people think, and contrary to my old expectations, the decision did not come in difficulty. It was not a whim, it was well-thought out. But it was easy.

It was easy because I was lucky an opportunity came at the exact moment I needed one.

Perhaps, because it was the right time. It seemed everything in nature, everything in the world has agreed with my choice. Thus, the seemingly effortless shift.

The world has indeed conspired to make it all happen.

I am entering the last stretch of my personal banker life. And as much as I love my work, value my contribution to the team, my clients, my team mates, some people just make it difficult for me to remember this with a fond heart.

But I maintained my silence. I maintained my poise and I remained calm. I bit my tongue and pushed myself to give it one more chance. Push more til the end of the rope. I guess, when we grow older, we learn to curb our reactions. And I guess, I have finally learned to think twice before anything I do. Speak. Curse. Move. ETC.

Though I refuse to waver, refuse to break, I find myself breaking down from the insults, the sarcasm, the betrayal, the pressure, the stress... every single night.

It has taken a toll on me.

Until last night. When I rushed home to attend my daughter's presentation. She sang Heal The World on stage for a school affair.

Yesterday morning, she wanted me to stay home. Asked me to watch her sing too- she has never done that. Never asked because she knew I have to work.

So all through the stress of Friday, I decided to cut my work short and rush to little one's school. AND I have arrived, just in time to kiss her good luck before going on stage.

And you know, seeing her eyes light up when she saw me, in office heels and suit, with hair flying and phones ringing, rushing to see her sing.

It was my most MOMMY moment. I was so close to tears. AND She sang with so much passion, I wanted to tell everyone that's my kid right there. I think I kinda actually did that lolz




Indeed, that little girl standing on stage is my strength and my reason for all these choices. And that moment, I was reminded that all the work-related stres, all the work related sarcasm and insults could not bring me down.

Simply because, what matters in my life, is this little girl in a red chinese/tweety dress.



And I think, two more weeks of work hell, for sure. But who cares, bring it on. I have made the right choice of leaving the team.

Happy

Happy to find change :)

She's a girl no more

I sat there in the coffee shop, listening, answering questions thrown my way, ... Remembering things I have buried years ago.

And it was okay. I am okay.

When I heard those words, when I heard that denial, I admit it still hurt like yesterday.

I didn't flinch. I didn't move. I didn't react even.

BUT It hurt me. Pained me. Like how any mother will feel.

BUT you will not hear anything from me. Not a bit.

Because the woman who sat in that coffee shop is no longer the girl lost in M four years ago. That woman is no longer the scared one, who doesn't have a clue.

That woman is Little girl's mother. And even if it hurt me, straight in the heart, I held the damn tears in.

Because, this time, I've learned and I know better.

And this time, I know for a fact that I am not in the losing end. So no matter what you say, what every one thinks, my love for my daughter is enough.

Hearts Day :D

Just a few laughs.

A few more hugs.

A bit more of this and that.

Some good stories.

A star, a moon.

Some blooms and all.

Such is love.

Oh, what love :D

Last Day of Being a Bum

I feel sick in my stomach.

Some days, I get this- waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing. And I couldn't remember my dream or if I even had any.

I didn't get a good night sleep back until the sun rose.

Little girl went to school today, I stayed home doing work from my couch But it's such a beautiful morning to be cooped up inside. The sun is shining and the wind is cool, it feels like Monday on a run. There's so much life to my quiet little town. It's simply beautiful.

I brought my little chair outside, so I could a bit of sun and wish the dark circles under my eyes would dissipate in a timely manner. And as I continue with my bed rest, and being on the last day too, I feel like staying at home for good.

NOOOOOOOO. Not. Again.

I guess i've reached the maximum burn out level since I'm not actually wanting to sprint back to my bank job. I just want to stay nested in my old comfortable couch and run errands for little one.

The major change that I am wanting to happen is soon going to happen. And even if I try my best to suck it all up and pretend my feathers aren't ruffled, they actually are. Though I am at my best when changes happen, the actual anticipating of the change to occur always leaves me well, stressed out. Somehow.

I think too much, everyone says. And because I think about things, words, situations over and over, I anticipate changes more than the ordinary. And now, I feel like it's a bad thing.

So this morning, I'm just gonna sit here under the sun, with my laptop and research materials and I savor the quiet and peace. Without a care in the world. Without any pressure from the boss, from my clients, from my transactions..... Just waiting for little girl to come home from school so we can start making little muffins.

I'm just gonna sit here and figure out how to make Misua seem like not Misua for lunch. lolz

Word for the day: EVAH (Everrrrrr)

Lil gurl and I are huddled in bed, watching tangled for the Nth Time and I sit here with my laptop, I pretend i'm watching.

She keeps an eye of what I'm doing and screams: "You're not watching!" everytime the keyboard makes the slightest sound.

And so, suffice to note, I am the most quiet keyboard handler/encoder/writer EVAH.
lolz

The mother/witch in Tangled says that with much class: EVAH and little one has been waiting for that cue, and injects the word in every sentence she could, to put emphasis on her point. EVAH. And I'm just like: whatttt?

During dinner earlier tonight, little girl was quick to point out we've been having noodles for the past N days, and she's sick of it:

C: Ma, misua again?
Me: What's wrong with Misua?? I added real tomatoes this time.
C: You said no more Noodles.
Me: We're still sick, so we eat noodles. Tonight, we eat Misua.
C: THINKS for a really long time and says: So all Chinese are sick most of the time?


GREAT.

C: I'm having Bangus instead. Pla-pla made me fried bangus, without To-yo..
Me: Ok, But you're still having Misua (I'm not letting this go!!)
C: Fine. But you will have to promise not to serve Misua EVAH EVAH EVAH

LOLZ, with both of us rolling our eyes, i conceded. I will never let Misua go anyhow!

So after dinner, we sprinted back and I asked her if we can brush teeth before watching Tangled. And she shrugged and said: NEVAH.

At least, that's an added N to the classy EVAH.

Sigh. Raising a smart daughter is like a never-ending word-fight. And she's just three!