Last Day of Being a Bum

I feel sick in my stomach.

Some days, I get this- waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing. And I couldn't remember my dream or if I even had any.

I didn't get a good night sleep back until the sun rose.

Little girl went to school today, I stayed home doing work from my couch But it's such a beautiful morning to be cooped up inside. The sun is shining and the wind is cool, it feels like Monday on a run. There's so much life to my quiet little town. It's simply beautiful.

I brought my little chair outside, so I could a bit of sun and wish the dark circles under my eyes would dissipate in a timely manner. And as I continue with my bed rest, and being on the last day too, I feel like staying at home for good.

NOOOOOOOO. Not. Again.

I guess i've reached the maximum burn out level since I'm not actually wanting to sprint back to my bank job. I just want to stay nested in my old comfortable couch and run errands for little one.

The major change that I am wanting to happen is soon going to happen. And even if I try my best to suck it all up and pretend my feathers aren't ruffled, they actually are. Though I am at my best when changes happen, the actual anticipating of the change to occur always leaves me well, stressed out. Somehow.

I think too much, everyone says. And because I think about things, words, situations over and over, I anticipate changes more than the ordinary. And now, I feel like it's a bad thing.

So this morning, I'm just gonna sit here under the sun, with my laptop and research materials and I savor the quiet and peace. Without a care in the world. Without any pressure from the boss, from my clients, from my transactions..... Just waiting for little girl to come home from school so we can start making little muffins.

I'm just gonna sit here and figure out how to make Misua seem like not Misua for lunch. lolz

Pressing Restart.

I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately. About goal resetting, values reorganizing- about everything in my life.

And the whole thing is messing my whole thoughts sooo much that I still am clearly in the middle of it all.

A good start though, I know what I want now. And I know that there are a lot of things that I need to eliminate, issues to process and even emotions to really sort out and throw out.

But for sure, I know this is for the better.

And as I spend more ME time scattered through out the day, just 5 mins of sitting still and feeling things sink in or watching them fly around my head, makes it easier for me to structure the kind of days I want to live in and the kind of days I want my daughter to open her eyes to.

As the days go by, with beautiful blessings around me to remind me of how blessed I am, I get to realize what and who I consider important. And should I want to have that one thing, I should.....

I should... that, I still need to figure out.

But for tonight, I am gonna promise, that tomorrow, I will be different.

I made the first step today, and tomorrow I will continue to make it happen. Until one day, I am already there.

And it's a promise that I am wishing soooo bad to keep.

S oul Ma t e S?

Do you believe in soulmates?

I can't believe it, but I do. I've seen so many couples come together like a force drawing two people together and matching their hearts, like broken puzzle pieces, getting fixed, becoming complete. i've seen two people losing a lot only to gain something much more. And just like all the other ironies in life, I haven't met mine but I believe in the concept.

My best friend Y has found hers. And the only funny thing about it is that they have been beating around the bush to actually make things happen. I don't pretend to know or even understand why things are the way they are. When she told me, asked me, I can only say 'I believe you' because for the life of me, I don't really get it.

I'm not sure if it's like that Coldplay song, Fix You, when tears come streaming down your face... when you love someone and it goes to waste.. could it be worse?
or that Colby Caillat's Lucky.

Maybe, if soul mates really exist, I hope that Y's prayer will be heard. Sometimes, I know and I feel like it's not gonna happen. If soul mates exist, maybe mine died ten lifetimes ago and has decided to stay dead. lolz

But one day, i'll fully understand what serendipity means. Like, the way you guys do.
I can't explain it, but I do believe in soul mates.

just ONE more.

What are we ever gonna do if we lose all that hope?

If we lose all things including that one that keeps us going?

Where are we gonna go if we ever stop dreaming?

If we stop believing and thinking of better things?

How are we gonna stay afloat when we look at the sky and see nothing but vast darkness?

If we don't believe that one day stars will shine again, brighter than the sun?

When will we ever learn that it's that one thought that will keep us going.

keep us hanging on.

keep us sane.

All of us will always have that one wish, one prayer, one lifeline.

All of us will always be thankful for one more day. one more minute.

One more shot in making life more.

All we need is just one more.

just that one little thing.........
**********************************************************************************
Have finally finished re-reading Amy Tan's The Hundred Secret Senses. AND it's worth the all nighter, as always.

"You can't stop young girls from wishing. No! Everyone must dream. We dream to give ourselves hope.To stop ourselves from dreaming- well, that's like saying you can never change your fate. Isn't that true?"- Kwan, The Hundred Secret Senses

If we have reached the kind of happiness we only once dreamed, it's because we hang on to that dream tighter than we ever realize. But even if we already are, we dream for the future. and we wish for the people around us. Wish for them. Be happy for them.

And if we shoot down other people's dreams, just because we think they bear no logic, then we are no better than the old wives that blamed unhappiness to fate.

Stumble if you must, but go for the climb. It is by climbing that Young Girl's Wish that we discover how bittersweet our lives can get.

NEVER stop wishing! :)

Anything but THAT

The other night, I got home from a long day's work and found my little one burning with fever.

And I almost panicked and wondered aloud how can she still have 38 temp when she's already got medicine for her asthma, for her fever, for her cough... AND I found her sitter with grandma's sitter, watching soap after soap, forgetting she also needs Paracetamol besides the cold baths. Forgetting that the medicine sched, my numbers, the emergency phone pasted on the fridge is there for a reason. I keep calling every two hours for a reason: DON't give me the "SHE's OKAY" when my little girl isn't!

I almost went ballistic.

I was way over my head mad. But I didn't say a word. Because I cried. Out of frustration, out of tiredness, out of despair.. I'm not quite sure. I cried because I feel like I just couldn't take it in anymore.

30 Minutes after I gave Coco the fever meds, and a few ice trays and bowls of cold water later, her temperature went back to 36.8. And finally, my little girl was able to sleep.

Someone told me that I was mad at myself more than at the yaya. And that I should not pass on my responsibilities to the sitter because primarily, I should be the one at her bedside.

AND that STING. Still makes me cry to hear it reverberate in my head.

Because if I had not been out working, trying to stay financially afloat, providing for my little one's future, THEN I deserved to be told that. If I had been wasting a minute sitting somewhere and letting the yaya administer care alone, then I deserved to be slapped with the word irresponsible.

BUT I wasn't.

I was out 14 hours because I have a dayjob, a second marketing job and a crazy ass schedule of sprinting from the farm,to the bank, to the marketing stint and back home. AND in between those hours, I've taken my little girl to her pulmo, bought medicines, nebulized or in Coco's better days, getting her a new bike or taking her out to lunch. AND at night, I don't even sleep because I administer medicine and cold baths. Or writing because we have bills to pay and savings to keep!

She thinks my life is easy and laid-back. Just because I hired two sitters to ensure the safety of my little one does not mean I am not a hands-on mom. Just because I don't look pauper-ish doesn't mean I have no financial troubles. Just because I am always in control doesn't mean that things don't go spinning.

Just because I can afford to bark orders and have multiple jobs doesn't mean that I am less of a mother.

Because primarily, I am a mother. Above all else, I am Coco's mom. And I am also her dad. Have you ever tried being both? Tell me how easy it is.

Above all else, my little girl comes first. In everything I do, Coco comes first. One day, when Coco wakes up and asks who the hell I am and I wake up not knowing ever inch and every smell of my little girl, then maybe I can be called irresponsible.

BUT today, don't call me that. Because I may be a lot of things but I certainly am not that. Never that.

Judas' Kiss

I have always been the kind of person who take in stray dogs, no matter how unwanted they seem to appear, the lost puppy eyes always seem to get me. I'm not so sure why, but I have always this soft spot for the underdogs. I am the champion of the losers.

The only person who could bitch so much and still keep one spot open for the needing. I admit, I may be sooo strong that it's either you love me or you hate me. Nothing in between. But I still am capable of being gooey and soft and gullible more than necessary.

And more often than not, this kindness has always gotten back to me like a snake snapping my head off. Like a bad dream. Like a kiss from Judas.

For a moment, when everything seemed to be spinning out of control, I wonder at how things can sound so wrong, so construed, so twisted... And I prayed that the truth will come out, knowing that my conscience is clear and that all things being thrown at me are just lies.

True enough, God has strung for me a series of events that have had me confused, sad, angry, bewildered, betrayed.. And after all the storm, the crazy talks and then finally, the truth has come to set things straight.

I don't need to prove myself to anyone anymore, I learned. Because all that I have said, all that I have known, everything that I have held in my heart are right. Because I have stayed on the right.

It pained me to learn that most of the "truths" that were served to me (and served to the other end) were lies, properly manipulated, half-baked deductions of a very pitiful mind. It hurt to know and to realize that the lost sheep with the lost puppy eyes was a snake capable of betrayal. No matter how you dress the snake in a sheep's clothing, the snake will always strike with a venom capable of killing. Always.

What a shame. I could have been the best of a friend. No, I was the best kind of friend you'd ever gonna get.

Now that I have seen the whole picture, I see the past months clearly, walking in a daze is no longer the case. And I understand the reason why things happened, and I am thankful that now, I am able to see THIS.

I may feel rotten for being twisted like a puppet on a string, but for whatever, I was honest with my actions, my thoughts, my friendship. I was a good friend. I am a good friend - and if it were intentional or not from the other person's end, it doesn't really matter anymore.

It is not I who is on the losing end.

If Jesus can forgive Judas, then I, who is merely a mortal and a servant, can surely forgive too. But all this, all of this shall happen in time.

Long weekends, the single mommie way

I've been writing since sunrise, and i'm still writing, spewing words from God knows where. The much research and medical jargon from this week's topic make my head spin a bit, thus the much needed break.

Little one is upstairs, screaming at me to allow her to go to our neighbor's (christie's place), a few blocks away. And I tell her again and again, as my feeble attempt in saying NO, that we should just stay home, in our vintage duyan and bask at the day's beautiful sun. And she frowns and paces back and forth repeatedly. Until she gave up and turned her attention to lazy cats in the veranda.

Since when kids her age can go outside the gate and stay at a neighbor's place?? NEVER. Not in my lifetime! When I was little, the closest thing I got to LAAG is at my cousin T's place, which was about ten steps from where we live. We've always managed to play indoors, or within our gated walls. lol

It's long weekend since Saturday, another lazy day today plus tomorrow makes mom and lil girl happy. Little one was busy running around the living room, singing her heart out to some MYMP song. When lola Mommie came over for some chit chat, some dessert, and some crazy realizations and I fall in love with the idea of staying home with my little girl for stretches of time.

We're cooking the traditional misua for lunch, and some grilled fresh we bought this morning from the local market. Sometimes, I think about going full time with my writing- I could earn as much, and work from home! And throw the day job out the window. Just so I could have these weekend everyday moments with little one. BUT every time I seriously think about it, the dream of just being a writer stays at the losing end. How the hell can I afford a 20K toddler school if I let my day job go?

And so, before I go back to my real day job on Wednesday and start making account proposals and packages, i'm going to enjoy my beautiful long weekend with my little one and family. Writing article after article (so we can buy a new bike -Coco haha), cooking misua, whipping some fancy dessert, playing Barbie and tea with lil one researching and balancing checkbooks on the side should ought to take up most of my long weekend.

Don't you just love it? The chaos and the joys of single mothering. Love.

When we take out the IM in IMPOSSIBLE.

I think i’m in love with an idea. I’m in love with something I just discovered. Like some sort of epiphany, a split second realization that brings this smile on our faces. And it’s funny, cuz I spend some hours of my waking time thinking about it. And I feel like I completely understand it, and completely confused at the same time. LOL.

Not really. When I let my heart roam freely, it usually gets caught in a net of the unimaginable. And so, I always hold it closely, more often with chains and a lock. There isn’t anyone to blame, and there isn’t a lot to say about it either. It just does, I just do.
I don’t believe in fairytales anymore, and I have serious doubts on happy endings and white horses too. No, it’s not anyone’s fault that people build walls around their hearts and their lives. And it isn’t anyone’s fault that we constantly shrug off the idea of perfect relationships or even relationships in general. And maybe if cynicism has caught up with us, we would always wear a frown and a shrug every time the heart sign turns neon.

But can you ever imagine discovering the word MAYBE?

No, I don’t need a man. I am fine on my own. No, I don’t want a father for my daughter. She has a lot of father figures in her life. No, I don’t want your big shot stories, I’ve had enough of that. No, I don’t want to date around just so I could say I am dating. No, I don’t want you to set me up with anyone, I’ve had enough blind dates before my daughter was born.

Yes, I am serious!

But can you ever imagine me taking out the IM in impossible?

Chances are, we could. Afterall, our minds work in mysterious ways. And our hearts too.

And so, I find myself loving fairy tales again –(though not really believing them yet again). And being happy about giddiness and other people’s fantastic love stories. And I admire the little flowers that bloom on trees, the cute hearts posted on a boutique window. AND I feel like I know.

Sometimes, when we discover what a perfect relationship is like, whether we are in one or not, whether we are looking for it or not, whether we believed in it or not, we just know.

And that, that is the idea I am in love with—that a perfect fairytale always awaits each and every one of us.

Don’t ask me though, how long the wait is gonna be. I have absolutely no effin idea! LOL

L A Z Y

I have been L A Z Y. I woke up late (7AM), took a really long breakfast, did my cardio and took a really long lunch with my family. And I fell asleep. I just woke up from a really bad dream.

And my whole day was spent just lounging around. Coco's toys are scattered about, some of the cake slices were still on the table, my laundry is still unfolded, my article is half baked. and tomorrow is already Monday. sigh.

Where has my weekend gone? LOL.

I need some sort of inspiration to be able to write about pet friendly hotels. As of the moment, I am stuck with the vision of Elle Woods walking into some upscale hotel, demanding just the best for her lil pooch. And i get to think if it's just really in the movies. Or if it happens in real life.

And so, as I sit here staring at you, I know I should stop thinking other thoughts. And stop worrying, strategizing, thinking, whatever... As D said, believe in the power of choice! ugh. the crystal ball is haunting me.

Making me go through useless sleepless nights again.

Oh, it's Coco's baccalaureate mass tom. My lil gurl is graduating from toddler school. LOL. well, she's taking part of it. I need to iron her lovely dress.. :D

I'm so excited for my lil one!