Pressing Restart.

I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately. About goal resetting, values reorganizing- about everything in my life.

And the whole thing is messing my whole thoughts sooo much that I still am clearly in the middle of it all.

A good start though, I know what I want now. And I know that there are a lot of things that I need to eliminate, issues to process and even emotions to really sort out and throw out.

But for sure, I know this is for the better.

And as I spend more ME time scattered through out the day, just 5 mins of sitting still and feeling things sink in or watching them fly around my head, makes it easier for me to structure the kind of days I want to live in and the kind of days I want my daughter to open her eyes to.

As the days go by, with beautiful blessings around me to remind me of how blessed I am, I get to realize what and who I consider important. And should I want to have that one thing, I should.....

I should... that, I still need to figure out.

But for tonight, I am gonna promise, that tomorrow, I will be different.

I made the first step today, and tomorrow I will continue to make it happen. Until one day, I am already there.

And it's a promise that I am wishing soooo bad to keep.

Driven for Change

I've always had the gift of writing. But writing things before they happened was never part of it.

Although lately, my sense of intuition has been heightened-- no, developed, after a series of mishaps. And so, I find myself writing, saying, linking words together and finding out that hey! I make sense! And hey, I was right!!

I know that not all of the things that come out of my mouth are pretty words, and more often than not they have been brutal. And with this realization, I told myself that the world is not about me alone. AND I should start understanding that it doesn't hurt to be nice.

And so, I did what I could manage: if there's one thing that I have managed to control is the way these words come out. (Give credit for it!)

Lately, (like for the past year) I have been making conscious efforts to clip my tongue when I have nothing OK to say or comment. And I have learned to always keep my words chewable, even sugarcoated so as when the time comes that I need to swallow em, they aren't sooo bitter.

And I find it really amazing that it is paying off :)

Earlier this year, I vowed to myself to:

* never strike back unless the pain is intolerable (and I have increased my pain tolerance level)
* swallow every hurtful word that comes my way even when I know I am right. The world is round, what goes around comes around.
* let things pass. I don't have to have the last word every time.
* lessons are learned, not shoved down one's throat. So if they don't understand, it's alright, they'll learn the hard way.
* it's not all the time that I need to have an opinion. I can keep them to myself.
* never lose sight of my principles and never doubt the kind of person that I am. I am way past HS and so I think the whiners and losers cannot dictate who I am now.

So if you would ever care to listen to what people like me would like to say, remember, that whatever advice that comes out from our mouths come from a thing called experience.

And from the fact that we have seen more of the world, its ugliest and darkest form, and once thought: Hey, Mom/Dad/Granma/Auntie- whoever, was right afterall.

Then maybe, take in a mantra that helps us better: Don't hurt people in anyway if you don't wanna find yourself hurting twice as much.

More like the golden rule huh. It's not so easy I know, but it gets better every single day.

Princess and the Star

Yesterday, Coco didn't want to go to school unless she wears her crown and princess dress. She's been sulking the whole first part of the morning, refusing to eat her cereals until I agree to her choice of wardrobe for the day.

I tried telling her about appropriate dressing.

And she said they don't have a uniform.

I tried telling her she's a princess but she needs to put on a disguise.

And she told me, is that lying?

I tried telling her her classmates won't wear crowns and frilly pink princess dresses to school.

And she said, Won't that be great then, I am different and gonna stand out?

AND I feel, I think, how the hell am I gonna argue with that???? And because, I was running late already, trying to put my own stockings and my make-up on while trying to reason with her, I got her the dress and zipped it on.

AND here she is, all cracked up. all smiles. all ready to go.









Then I thought, seeing her face light up and watching her dance around like a pixie, how can such a lil thing mean a world to this lil one? Well, seeing this one little moment means a world to me. sigh. :)

After school, she showed me her star. She said her teacher loved their artwork and gave them a red star each. They pasted orange patches on a huge carrot the teacher made. AND she told me that she told everyone, her mommie bakes a mean carrot cake, with little carrots on top. LOL



Then she whispered to me last night, I am obligated to bake carrot cupcakes for her teacher and classmates!

Coco told me that we are all princesses, and we should always remember to wear a crown every single day and I think she's right. We should always treat ourselves like princesses, deserving to walk with head held high. Of all the things Coco has taught me over the years, she has taught me the self-worth and pride I have lost a few years back.

I wonder, if I am a princess, where the hell is my prince? LOL.




Nonetheless, we single moms also deserve a big ass red star of excellent stamps for a job well done!!

Two Simone's?

Is it abnormal to imagine having twins?

D posted piks from iPhoto with Coco having oodles of fun making funny faces and seeing double. Lil one spent that day playing hide and seek with my friends D and D, and signing and dancing and twirling. LOL. I could not imagine a work life with my lil one around! There's just so much fun when she's around, no one wants to actually sit and down and just pound words away.

Then my friend G, posted, that she loved the agua.bendita picture, and if I could imagine if I had twins?

TWINS!



I paused for a bit and I know, it would just be super dooooper double the fun!

I remember the fortune tellers who have told me that I am destined to become a mother to twins. And maybe, after hearing this piece of fortune from two different persons may have actually seeded in my unconscious the desire to become a mom to twin babies... LOL. Gosh, that gives me the goosebumps!! But if Lil One is Agua.Bendita; two beautiful kiddos; twins... it would really be double the love, double the blessings :) Imagine,

Two princesses twirling in front of my mirror.

Two I love you, Mommies before shut eye.

Two tight hugs in a single embrace.

Two dreams merging with my own...

Everything in two. Everthyting twice as much. Everything more.



BUT before I go into the expenses portion, which would undoubtedly blow up the stars in my eyes, I know that with Lil One, it's just double the everything even if she's just one.




There will always be this only one person who holds my heart. Only one little soul that will always make me feel the craziest blessed woman on this side of the planet.

SIGH.

Baby gurl is growing up fast. She'll be turning 3 in a couple of months, and tonight, she started making reference to drinking milk from a glass instead of her bottle. And she didn't wear diapers to sleep tonight too. During the afternoon short walk we did today, we went to cross the bridge and back and lil one asked me why there are people living under the bridge. And as I search for a meaningful answer to say, I just couldn't, for the life of me, understand it either. And suddenly, I felt lil one is really growing up before my eyes.

Lil One is snoring her way to dream land now. And I should be pounding words away about my topic for the week. And quit this daydreaming. LOL.

Investing Time

I'm watching my daughter play pretend and do role playing with her friend, C. And I could not help but marvel at how absolutely beautiful my lil one is. She's such a sweet person! A loving, funny, thoughtful daughter who never fails to make the people around her feel important. She always makes it a point to give me a hug and a warm embrace or two, for no particular reason. And I feel like I am the most blessed person on earth.

Just before breakfast, we called up my lil sister, Tita C, to just talk about anything. At this early, we start cooking lil one's birthday party. So we began talking about party favors and Coco's preferences. We always have these "conference calls", to just talk about mundane little things.

Yes, I am a firm believer in a little bit of effort goes a long way. And investing time on people that matters to you is investing in solid relationships.

My friend T, who recently broke up with her beau, found herself being called demanding for wanting to spend some Q time in between work days. In my opinion, the man didn't deserve to be even loved by her. Such a waste of precious emotion and precious time!

You know, EXBF M, if you aren't willing to invest a bit of time on my friend T, then you are not worthy of being invested some bit of emotion. Whattajackass!!

But you know, he may have his reasons. For whatever they may be, I still don't wanna hear the stupidity of all of it. LOL He should try searching responsibility and breeding in the dictionary, and while at it, maybe try to absorb the meaning too.

On the lighter note, here are a few Coco one liners that made me feel really good: laugh when:

* Coco demanded that i GOOGLED her favorite lullaby, and that it's in YouTube and that I should "Search it Bahhh"
* She said at night she becomes the little mermaid, with long flowing hair. And that I transform to being Cinderalla. (Wowwwww- I wonder if my pumpkin of a prince will show up at the ball)
* She made puking sounds when I told her we have fish paksiw (in native vinegar) for breakfast.. And i quickly stifled a laugh knowing that she got this aversion towards the smell and taste of vinegar from me. LOL
* Last night, she off handedly called me "Super Mommie"
* Lola Grandma gave her two slices of papaya yesterday, and she left one in the ref cuz she saved it for me.. (aww) Coco: para maka poops ka ma. LOL
* She laughed before closing her eyes. AND I asked, what's so funny? Coco said: Tawa nalang ko Ma, kai sige lang ka trabaho. (WOOOOOHH)

And my most favorite realization for today came from Coco:

THAT we should spend some bit of our time with the people who matter most to us. Otherwise, the relationship is not as important as we would like to claim.

Superheroes and Villains out to save mankind

My good friends, R and M, used to tell me to stop trying to save mankind. Because it simply does not work. And tonight, I am reminded of this important piece of advice as I sat on my way home and realized that the many relationships I have maintained stemmed from the same premise: I can change the world and I could save mankind.

Though I never really vocally or consciously adhere to this, I have seen the record. And I could not argue with the statistics. I am such a poor fan of being the hero.

I found a new friend today, T. She's also a single mother for the past x number of years. But her kids are all grown up now and she's almost there living the gypsy kinda life. And a few of the topics we have touched over dinner was finding the right answers to the numerous, never ending questions- which turned out to be more or less similar to those I hold close to my heart. And also, figuring out the unconscious preferences we have buried deep down.

And I, I have discovered that I should stop trying to save mankind. Because I can not. It's not possible. It just doesn't happen. And in truth, I would realize that most of the time, I am the best as a villain. LOL

That's the common denominator in all of them, and in every puddle I found myself stuck in. I am always the champion for the underdogs, sucker for the bad and the ultimate gubby. sigh. so?

But can we ever do paradigm shifts and alter what we have always been accustomed to doing? Can we ever be truly happy once we deviate to our usual, normal, predictable choice?

My greatest problem is that when I listen to my heart, I begin to think with my heart. Like, the whole of the red thing goes up to my head and fills up and occupies the space where my brain used to sit. My decisions, judgememnts, what have yous, are never really hundred percent logical. Almost always, they're laced with stars in the eyes and stupid grins and a hundred justifications/excuses for everything.

And so, could I ever stop from trying to save mankind? Or would I just continue the fight, and maybe one day, come full circle. And actually save mankind?

How can we argue with the Divine Plan?

The sermon yesterday was about being contented as success is not measured by worldly wealth. The priest went on to say that money is a source of security, a source of hope and the focus of everyone in town. We are always wishing for a bigger house, more cars, further vacation spots.. it never ends.

We must remember, he continued, that money can buy a house but not a home. It can buy medicine but not health. Books but not knowledge. Bed but not sleep.

What are we without God?

For someone like me who continually works for financial freedom, for a house we can call our own and for books for my little one to read, how will I know that it is already enough? I dream of bigger things for me and my little one. But I know that all my planning and hardwork is nothing if it isn't in God' plans.

Yes, I believe in the Divine Plan, with His Divine work and planning in motion. I realized this before, watched my laid out plans and dreams shattered like no more. And now, as I watch the broken pieces of that once a dream, I ask myself: Why do I no longer feel broken?

Because in the middle of my long winding road now, I found the beauty of sunrise, a family and true love in my daughter Coco, and simplicity in the life we lead.

Am I contented? Not really. Because I still dream. I still want more. I still work for more. But I know where I stand in this universe of ours. I am thankful that I have sleep, knowledge, health.. I am thankful that God agrees with my current plans.

For about three years, when I told myself I have to be strong because there is no other option, I discovered how strong I really am. When I found it difficult to face the future, I told myself to take it one day at a time.

And I have gotten far, haven't I?

Last night, when Coco and I had finished dinner, I turned on my laptop to start writing again. Coco came to me and said: "You're always working, Ma.."

I replied: "I know, Mommie needs to work so we will have money."

And she said:"But we've already prayed to Jesus for money."

How can we argue with that?

Life is like RHUM Raisin. And some traditional strawberry.

I love weekends.

When I hit Wednesday and mark the middle of the week, I find myself giddy with waiting for Friday to come. I live for the weekends where I can write, dream, bake, swim, paint.. (OH YES all with my lil one in tow!) and watch movies and endless string of CSI dvds (while Coco is busy taking naps!).

The past week:

I worked hard. And spent a night out with friends.



Last night, I have affirmed that Friends are like sporadic pools water in the middle of a desert. They're hard to come by, and when you find friends like these, you should know how lucky you are. :) I am a very lucky woman.

I watched my Coco swim and dream in her inflatable pool, grinning like crazy



I realized I am so blessed to have a lovely little girl. And that our simple life, filled with simple joys and laughter are enough.

I baked my first Birthday Cake and Cuppycakes order. Ariel and the little cupcakes.



And I realized that I will keep this dream of a cupcake house burning. As I feel little butterflies in my heart flutterin and waiting as I put on the hearts, the shells, the colors one by one. We'll never forget our first attempt :)

I wrote my first article in weeks.. "Introduction to Neuro Linguistic Programming" And I found myself travelling back to senior year, writing and reading dissertations and attempting to comprehend the thoughts and tenets of linguistic philosophy.

I received a good note.memo in my mail. And as I treated my work mates with some good home baking, I feel so lucky to have a wonderful work team (minus the B**** who salivates with envy), and thankful that so far, I think I have made a good decision.

Today is a beautiful Saturday. My little one and her bestfriend Christie are in our small makeshift pool, pretending to be mermaids. We're almost done with our painting obra, and because it's such a beautiful weekend, we're heading for Missy Bon Bon for some yummy ice cream treat.

Oh, don't you just love the beautiful life? ♥

Realizations from the Oven

Why am I addicted to Baking?

For a series number of days, I have spent most of my free time in the kitchen, scribbling new recipes, trying out old ones, adding twists and reinventing a whole new line of cuppycakes. This summer, I have made it my mission to create a fruity cup line up. It started with strawberries, followed by lemon and oranges. Today, I’ve made mango cake and cups.

Mango is an overrated summer fruit here in our place. LOL. As it has always been equated to summer, spending your days at the beach without the classic mango slush or the to-die-for mango floats are major summer mistakes. Our garage is full of them, it came in boxes, in all shapes and sizes! At our local market, the pretty ones sell at P50 per kilogram.

For whatever reason, I decided to surprise cuzn T tomorrow with a big star-shaped mango cake. Of course, my lil one helped me bake it. (I’ll post piks tom, she might come across the blog and discover the surprise hihi)

Sitting here thinking about today’s slow turn of events, I have discovered that:

• Baking Powder has a one is to one ratio with Cake Flour

• Thinly slicing mango is better than finely dicing them

• Mango puree is a best alternative to the mango flavorings claiming its organic origin

• My lil one couldn’t help getting icing on her face and clothes and she couldn’t resist getting one cup from the cooling rack and I couldn’t help BEAMING.

• I love baking and cooking almost as much as I love writing

• I want a Kitchenaid for my birthday.. 

• I will one day build a house with a kitchen located at the heart.

• Life is similar to unsalted butter. It is best thawed at room temperature where it softens nice and slow, rather by heating it on a pan and turns into a pool of lard.

• My past is like the strawberry cups I made last Thursday- it’s not perfect but it’s still pretty. And my present is like the mango cake I did today, it’s almost perfect but needing more of a bit of sugar. Nonetheless, it’s by far the best I’ve made. AND my future is like the fondant cake I’m dreaming in my sleep. It’s still far way down my calendar, but I will get there. And when I do, I’ll be ready for the big world!

• That I will realize my dream to build a cupcake house. Where I could sell cupcakes with silly names like Jumping Jack, Cosmic Berry, Lemon cake instead of Lemonades, Sugar Shush….

• That I still love… baking more than anything else in this world! Well, next to Coco and next to writing.


Oh Weekends, how quickly you fly by! If I could wish for days to consist of weekends, I would make the world a one huge kitchen. AND I will host a never ending breakfast and tea parties for you my dear friends. Happy happy happy Saturday!