Where the heart is..

I don't trust my heart, it flips and flops and do somersaults in moments we least expect. AND we are always left to wonder WHY or HOW. and just speechless, just staring into space and do or think of nothing.

So, maybe tomorrow, when this has floated away, I would get to gather my thoughts and jar the emotions and store them in a safe place. ack.

Flying back to CD-oh, with a million memories from years back and snapshots along the way, my short Manila trip was packed with a bundle of happYness. A few good laughter, Harry Potter 7 (my first movie in years!), endless chatter and a bag of GOOD news: I felt like things are really falling into the rightful place.

My days were peppered with my snaps, my heart has never really left Los Banos. And has never really left Makati or Alabang too. But has found home in the arms of little one, right here in small town CD-oh.

Thus, I feel how loved I have been. AND Now, I know how loved I am :D

Me and J grabbed some goooood food from our fave place Chimara, munched on tofu chips and cheese popcorn, downed less sugar less everything green tea... then
discovered an english nook in the middle of Alabang, with stacks of great cheese and soy-free concoctions. Spent more time with good friends before heading back to the place I will always also call home.











Coming home to elbi was beyond any words that I could muster. It was surreal too. Too bad I got there at nightfall and raining, I couldn't get great pictures and was tooooo tired and too short of time to fully appreciate coming back.

I was surprised by how SLEX was weirdly un-congested, and even more surprised to see that the tollway took on a modern facade- as if boasting the years I have blatantly ignored coming back the SLEX way.

And I did feel my heart jump when I saw V arcade, with the strange presence of a ministop and a string of ATMs..







But as far as good friends and drinks are concerned, it was still the elbi that I knew. Oh, just a bit crappy that my isismates were nowhere to be found (on such a short notice and tight sched, it was IMpossible to get all of us in the crazy place), I wished I could have frozen time for a moment longer.







AND I went home to my old room, and found my old stuff in the exact places where they were. And unearthed my treasured treasures, and browsed through my heart kept inside a cardboard box.









I know, the whole everything occupies a chunk of my heart. AnD if I could go back to freshman year, I think I'd still pick everything just as I did before. BUT, I have also been thinking, If my friend M is right, if I had chosen differently, things might have been different too. Like, some sort of domino effect.

If you can only teach your heart, then I guess a bucketful of tears could have been avoided. OR well, maybe, added. Really hard to say if one thing would make a difference. or if nothing would ever change.

Sometimes, the choices that we make, in that split instance, the Angels above guide us. Like the soft voice within the never really leaves. or shuts up.

YES. I am happy with the way things turned out. Especially when I found this little girl waiting for me when I came back home:



Who gave me the tightest hug and the most wonderful feeling of being loved and the most beautiful role in the world: being a mommy :D

Remember the old days, looking forward to the future, oh, what a beautiful beautiful feeling indeed. With my lil bear, I think, wow, what beautiful years they have been and what amazing next years to come!!

Of noise and cheers

A week back, I couldn't stop writing. The words just kept pouring in, like rain showers on a rainy season, it's just bound to come around. Suddenly, I find myself staring at the monitor wishing for a drop. Thinking nothing, doing nothing, writing nothing.

Writing anything but something I badly wanna write about.

Tonight, I had dinner with two of my best friends in the whole world. It's been ten short years since we sat at the back row on agri class trying to hatch chicks and sneaking out to buy tempura and lots of coke. The four of us- B,K,Y and me cannot be any different than night and day or black and white. We are four crazies in different suits. But for the life of me, I couldn't imagine a life without them. And I feel overwhelmed by how blessed I am to have friends who know me by heart.

They love me for who I am and we love each other like blood sisters. Remember the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants? like that. Maybe even more. If you search a little more closely, you'll find a lot of shiny gems like BYK (and my sis C, cuz T,K), and my dearests A,J,M,R.. and the new ones I found along the way (D,B,R).

They were there when I struggled with my huge belly lost in the maze of M. Y did a week-end bed rest when my OB advised me to do so. They were there when I (or C) couldn't even begin to understand what being in the ICU means. K flew in from Amsterdam and C from Hongkong, straight into Med City when I couldn't cry anymore because I'm too scared. They were there when all I wanted to do was crawl in and die. They were there with a phone cradled on their shoulders frantically trying to spew words of advice oceans away.

They were there when I first held my little girl in my arms and thanked God for such a bundle of joy. They listened to me talk endlessly about lil one, loved her equally the same too. They gave her hugs and laughter and loved us like any family would welcome a new one.

They were there when my little one first learned to walk. first learned to talk. first learned to blow her birthday candle. first learned the meaning of love. first learned how to ride the bike. They were there in every single turn.

My first promotion. My crazy ass achievements. My twisted writing stints. my first attempt in baking and cooking.

My best friends - We bickered, we bitched, we could even scratch out each other's eyeballs sometimes but we were always the four peas in a pod, the four-leaf clover in a sea of grass. We still are plainly,simply us- like the same four lil girls in sailor uniforms struggling to balance physics, literature, pressure and dreams.

Single motherhood surely has the bad days- when tired, sad, lonely, overwhelmed has just been mashed up so you couldn't tell the difference. I have always believed that losing and winning is just the same - like the one from glee: the cheers and the boos are both the same, they're just noise. The only difference is the attitude on how we take them in.

Yeah, I have been in a long bumpy ride more than I have anticipated, and not every turn has been great. But strapped beside me is my little one, plus my four best friends, a loving sister, a string of beautiful heart-ed friends, my whole crazy beautiful family and my faith- and I know that however bumpy this road is gonna be, I'll get there.

One day at a time.

One turn at a time.

Coming Home to Elbi

I've been missing elbi lately. I miss the place. I miss the people there. I miss Dairyville and the winding little roads. I miss going to St. Therese and the 5.30 mass. I miss my old dorm and the isaw and kwek kwek at Raymundo.

I miss hanging out with M,Rf,Rl,G and more. I miss my baby PCE and the old, big tree in the center of humanities. I miss my PCE family more. I miss walking hary and chasing raindrops. I miss crazy ass mernel's cake. and I miss having my hair done by Cecil at Metrohair. I miss my aTe L and B, and maybe ate Alma too. I miss my roomie S more.. and the rest of the CNY gals. I miss KA where I realized I love carrot cakes. And everytime I baked, I remembered how I searched and practiced til I got the almost replica of that one.



I miss waking up to the sound of silence and a few barking dogs. I miss the daily dose of fresh milk from DTRI. I miss the cows with holes on their sides. I miss riding the pedicab. I miss jogging around campus and wondering why I never liked running in the Oval.



I miss my classes. picking up classcards during this time. I even miss working for Ms T and slaving away at the social sciences dept. I miss sitting at vega watching people go by. I miss the sizzling sisig more at Indio's (GAWD I REMEMBER!) and maybe Bugong more. and oh, papu's how can i ever forget.

I remember the yakisoba and peanut butter and jelly me and M love. The Buko Pie And the Cafe where we always order the same dish. I miss IRRI lib, and the real long walks going there.



Because I am going back to elbi this year that I suddenly miss it so. :D Finally, finally, a clearer picture and timeline of the trip. AND so, I am excited to see my friends over at Makati and meeting my elbi-now-based-somewhere friends in old ELBI- maybe remembering the crazy stuff we did. And eating at grove again soon. And just taking in the lovely lovely lovely elbi! AND introducing my Coco to the wonders of lovely, vast, green space.

And I'm thinking, would my lil one love the place as much I love it? We'll see ;p



**images found on web

Banana Pancakes mornings :D

Woke up real early to a cold, beautiful morning. It finally rained last night. The sound of raindrops on our rooftops was a welcome distraction. And with the AC on med, me and Coco snuggled under the covers and slept soundly.. My lil gurl is still in dreamland, with a bit of snoring and some singing in between (yes, she sings in her sleep!)

I crammed my almost last of this batch of articles before the sun comes up and I still feel like writing more. AND that surprised me. I guess, some days, we just get full of ideas and write continuously. Some just dry spells.

The beautiful weather always makes me smile. Something that will always make me feel better than yesterday. better than ever. I don't know where last week went, but I know our weekend was a blast. (thanks, B) and though I try to patiently wait for the stuff, I am just really excited I can't stop talking about it!

And so, I am on my third day of grinning and anticipating! whew.. I should really, really, really be patient!!

But because of all these going on, I realized that I live for:

* rain on dry, hot nights!
* a weekend at the farm with my lil one and the beautiful farm kids
* McDonald's drive through
* Crazy ass lasagna and some ginamos
* unlimited internet connection
* big events to look forward to (like mine and coco's pik, H's debut, J's wedding, D's engagement party, wedding, Coco's birthday, Lola's grand bday- she's turning 92 and yes, Christmas!)
* thirty-minute phone conversations with my lil sis
* beautiful old friends who inspire me, make me laugh and feel blessed
* amazing new ones who inspire me, make me laugh and feel blessed
* seeing my lil girl's face light up everytime I walk into a room
* snuggling in my usual egg of a chair, with a comforter, a cup of hot choco and my laptop for some writing on a beautiful, cold morning
* waiting for great stuff. I love it!

Oh, don't you feel that it's just gonna be a really beautiful week? Love love on Tuesday!

Life is like RHUM Raisin. And some traditional strawberry.

I love weekends.

When I hit Wednesday and mark the middle of the week, I find myself giddy with waiting for Friday to come. I live for the weekends where I can write, dream, bake, swim, paint.. (OH YES all with my lil one in tow!) and watch movies and endless string of CSI dvds (while Coco is busy taking naps!).

The past week:

I worked hard. And spent a night out with friends.



Last night, I have affirmed that Friends are like sporadic pools water in the middle of a desert. They're hard to come by, and when you find friends like these, you should know how lucky you are. :) I am a very lucky woman.

I watched my Coco swim and dream in her inflatable pool, grinning like crazy



I realized I am so blessed to have a lovely little girl. And that our simple life, filled with simple joys and laughter are enough.

I baked my first Birthday Cake and Cuppycakes order. Ariel and the little cupcakes.



And I realized that I will keep this dream of a cupcake house burning. As I feel little butterflies in my heart flutterin and waiting as I put on the hearts, the shells, the colors one by one. We'll never forget our first attempt :)

I wrote my first article in weeks.. "Introduction to Neuro Linguistic Programming" And I found myself travelling back to senior year, writing and reading dissertations and attempting to comprehend the thoughts and tenets of linguistic philosophy.

I received a good note.memo in my mail. And as I treated my work mates with some good home baking, I feel so lucky to have a wonderful work team (minus the B**** who salivates with envy), and thankful that so far, I think I have made a good decision.

Today is a beautiful Saturday. My little one and her bestfriend Christie are in our small makeshift pool, pretending to be mermaids. We're almost done with our painting obra, and because it's such a beautiful weekend, we're heading for Missy Bon Bon for some yummy ice cream treat.

Oh, don't you just love the beautiful life? ♥

One More Chance

My friend D posted this on M's FB wall: the second chance we gave to the same undeserving person could have been the chance with your Mr. Right....

I'm the kind of person who always gives second chances. ALWAYS. And as well-meaning my intentions are, I seldom end up thinking I made a good decision and most often bawling like a kid. As I spent many nights pondering on chances, and thinking, maybe it's worth one more try, this wakes me up into a whole new perspective.

Why give second chances when we can always make firsts with someone better, someone more? Sigh.

If life. slash love. is this easy, One More Chance would have flopped.

But D, she could have not said it any better.

Goofin with my gurls. during audit. LOL

Finally, the week is almost over and weekend is just about to start :D We had our audit this week. It was not as difficult as I expected but it was equally draining. This week, i resolved to think only of happy thoughts. And so, i will no longer expound on the others. D brought her macbook to work yesterday. And we spent most of our lunch break hammin it up. I love my gurls :D Only happy thoughts :D

Friends make the World complete.

I came home from Lot's birthday dinner-slash-drinks. And i feel totally at peace. A bottle of vodka and two more mudshakes left us on a good laugh trip and some sober conversations. It was a good night with my girls. When I'm feeling empty, too sad, too whatever, these girls always come around. For one reason or another, being with Lot, Yen and Cookums always feels like home.

No matter the days or years, short distance or oceans apart, it never changes. it's always good to come home to a really good set of friends.No crazy conversations required. Just being there. sitting across each other, exchanging old tales and new dreams, I felt so much better. I feel sooo much better.

Thank you God, for giving me these people, whom I hold dear. For the times they've kept me sane, talked me through crazy situations, or for simply sharing dreams together. My life is better because of them.

And I wish for more nights like these. AND tomorrow, is another good one. Au revoir Lot, your send off will undoubtedly be the best.

Hundred Guba. and More! Tonight, I'll sleep a good night sleep, with my Coco tucked under the covers and some good writing, shut eye isn't too far away tonight. Good morning sunshine, good night Mr. Moon.

Tomorrow will be a beautiful day.

I miss you guys so...

I miss my AMEX family. I miss the whole gang, the stories, the lunches and dinners, I miss the people who made my Makati stay so much fun. I even miss my job that required working hours no end. And on weekends. LOL. Cuz it gave me days without soo much work too. :D I even miss my boss.

Jean came home from NY to attend to some medical needs, and gathered the whole gang for a dinner at John and Yoko. They've asked us out of towners to come down to Manila for a meet up. But sad to say, we all could just long for the next flight...

Great food. Great place. Great Friends. I love these people to death.



Photo grabbed from Edj's fb album. I just have to post it here. SIGH

See you soon guys! I miss you all soooo much!