Chasing Dreams

This week, I am a full time mother: Domesticated and all.

I wake up early to prepare Coco's cereal breakfast, make her milk, fix the bed, bring her to school and even take her to afternoon park visits and sit to play Barbie for an hour plus too.

This week, I dressed in rolled up jeans and whites, in flats and in ponytails. I ran around with little girl, spent hours lounging in bed with her reading stories and watching Tangled again and again.

Went to the mall without constantly checking the time. Went for train rides and pony rides with little one, ate ice cream and indulged in candy :) We baked pop tarts and chocolate muffins. Shopped for pretty dresses and framed pictures.

This week, I am free of any stress. I am free of any pressure. AND because I am a bit far from my scheduled trip, I am able to savor the week with little girl. I actually am able to.. relax. :)

I was also able to go for my long over due run too!

And this morning, after Coco's moving up practice, we went outside to take in that bit of sun and feel the grass beneath our soles.

As I watched her run around, I had that Life is so beautiful moment.

To be able to run with the wind. Without a care.


Chase after dreams. Laugh with abandon.


Believe in the beauty of innocence.


This snapshot reminds me so much of the younger days.

JUST letting go and running free.

Thank you little girl.

SUNDAYS with old and new memories :D

One Day, I woke up with a little bump.


(At six weeks)

And God told me, the little bump is growing...


(At nine weeks)

After a few trips and some good shopping, the little bump is ready to come out! And i've learned it's a SHE. who will adore zara, shoes and dashing D!



When SHE finally did, I felt my heart leap. felt everything settle. AND I've witnessed my first miracle.


(Coco at 5 days old.)



I laugh when I first heard her giggle..



SHIVERED when I gave her her first bath, wondering how I would..



Watched her sleep, just watched her breathe..


(Coco at 2 months)



She learned to say coo, I cried when she first said Mommy. then out came the words: Tita, Titin, Lamie, Lola...









Then suddenly, she turns 7 months.



AND then started learning to walk..


(Coco at 10 months)

and going on road trips with moi and the family.







Then suddenly, I find this little girl, always running around:D




With her little head sprouting curls here and there



who loves to sing and dance



and make faces




.... And today, she's learned to run around the house with a new mantra. lolz
Still the baby in our family, the light of my life. I heart my little one.



Thanks baby bear for taking the old piks out, I love nostalgic Sundays!!

Happy = Boring

Okay, I get it. I am a bore when I am happy.

I couldn't even write STUFF when I am happy and you will be perpetually greeted by a smile on my face you're actually gonna ask if I'm Okay.

I even have to slap myself twice when in the middle of an article or a proposal and I find myself staring at space. just actually staring and SMILING. Crazy I know.

But I am. And as surprising and out of line as it sounds in my life, I think my heart has finally hit the enough bS button and has settled in nicely. I think this is gonna last until the year goes out and a new one comes in. I'm hoping the feeling stays :)

I think I like this feeling better than anything else. So I am thinking of keeping it, locking it and living with it day in and day out.

Not cuz I don't mind not writing much. Or not talking much. But cuz, i have discovered that smiling takes a lot less of an effort than a frown.

Ha!

Take it all in. Cuz the "niceness" that I have hanging around recently is not gonna expire until end of the month. I have a strong feeling it's gonna last way longer than end of the year too.

Yey! Happy thought :D

Deleting Unwanted Vibes.

I had the longest afternoon naps in the past months. I woke up with my lil one shaking my shoulders and proclaiming she needed to go to the restroom. Hearing her hushed voice still brings a smile to my face.

I've been really tired this week. I'm always tired when my boss is in town. Maybe cuz he always manages to squeeze in a lot more extra work than needed and would require us to haul ass twice more than usual. I'm also tired of dealing with the B**** in our team, I'm tired of hating her this much and wanting to wring her neck so. I'm tired of her childish attitude and her equally immature partner. I'm tired of taking in negative vibes from both of them. AND i'm seriously tired of having to put up with their unacceptable behavior.

I told myself that this has got to stop. I mean, it could only affect if I would let it right? I don't know what is the DEAL with her, but every time that I find a little thing worthy of being happy about, she just finds some needle to blow everything up.

But Enough already. I owe it to myself to be free from this excess baggage. She isn't even worthy of this space in my blog. She definitely does not deserve a place in my world.

AND So,

I promise myself to not say anything about her (of course, they're all bad LOL).
I promise not to bitch.
I promise not to mind her.
I promise to let her bitchiness roll down my shoulders.
I promise to stay in my personal space.
I promise to block her from my view, my work, my life.
I promise to take deep breaths and count one to ten when I feel like punching them both.
I promise to let ugly sidekick be, and to not make her feel like she does look like Petrang Kabayo whenever I could. Afterall, it really isn't her fault she was born ugly.

I will let these mundane things go, let every small thing and day pass, and I will keep my promises simply because I want to delete her from my world. and I want to be untired.

And I must remember, that the last person who has made me feel THIS tired and this fed up isn't actually lounging on her laurels. Must say, karma comes and when it does, it bites you in the ass. So, go on, bitch on for all I care. You definetely won't be having the last laugh.

Embrace only the beautiful, accept only the Happy. -- This weekend's reaffirmation.
RADIATE only LOVE. And attract only Love. sigh :D

BTW, my framed pictures look absolutely great!- happy thought :D I love LOVE!! yeee!

Banana Pancakes mornings :D

Woke up real early to a cold, beautiful morning. It finally rained last night. The sound of raindrops on our rooftops was a welcome distraction. And with the AC on med, me and Coco snuggled under the covers and slept soundly.. My lil gurl is still in dreamland, with a bit of snoring and some singing in between (yes, she sings in her sleep!)

I crammed my almost last of this batch of articles before the sun comes up and I still feel like writing more. AND that surprised me. I guess, some days, we just get full of ideas and write continuously. Some just dry spells.

The beautiful weather always makes me smile. Something that will always make me feel better than yesterday. better than ever. I don't know where last week went, but I know our weekend was a blast. (thanks, B) and though I try to patiently wait for the stuff, I am just really excited I can't stop talking about it!

And so, I am on my third day of grinning and anticipating! whew.. I should really, really, really be patient!!

But because of all these going on, I realized that I live for:

* rain on dry, hot nights!
* a weekend at the farm with my lil one and the beautiful farm kids
* McDonald's drive through
* Crazy ass lasagna and some ginamos
* unlimited internet connection
* big events to look forward to (like mine and coco's pik, H's debut, J's wedding, D's engagement party, wedding, Coco's birthday, Lola's grand bday- she's turning 92 and yes, Christmas!)
* thirty-minute phone conversations with my lil sis
* beautiful old friends who inspire me, make me laugh and feel blessed
* amazing new ones who inspire me, make me laugh and feel blessed
* seeing my lil girl's face light up everytime I walk into a room
* snuggling in my usual egg of a chair, with a comforter, a cup of hot choco and my laptop for some writing on a beautiful, cold morning
* waiting for great stuff. I love it!

Oh, don't you feel that it's just gonna be a really beautiful week? Love love on Tuesday!

Beautiful Friday is made up of YOU

I can't believe it's already FRIDAY! YEEEEYY!

Today, I'm gonna be doing mommy stuff and taking time for some "ME time off". Today I'm gonna:

* Bake a layer of carrot cake and deliver at 12noon
* And possibly meet with A
* Make box for cake
* Go for some much needed waxing and nail spa!
* Pick up Coco's new shoes and outfit
* Pick up my paycheck:)
* Write two articles
* Pack for tomorrow's shoot
* Confirm appointment with the make up artist/hairdresser
* Bring Coco for some gelato and horse ride!

And at this hour, I have already:

* Had a long chat with my sister,Corie about everything and anything!
* Chose and prepared lola's outfits and Coco's dresses
* Had crazy breakfast with my lil one
* Had new Zara (YEY!!!)
* learned that cuzn A and Tita O will buy me new cupcake sets and icing pipes. (DOUBLE YEEYYYY)
* chatted with a friend who always makes me laugh ;)

Happy, happpy Friday! Be back soon!!

When Science explains the Dream

Did you know that the ability to switch perspectives and shifting your life is under a scientific and technological break through called Neuro Linguistic Programming?

My employer assigned these keywords to me about two weeks ago. And because of its complex sounding title, I kept shrugging off and pretending that the vacation and hotel articles are of more interest to me. When I finally ran out of other simple ones to run my mind through, I stalked wikepedia for the simplest meaning of NLP.

And lo, and behold, it is something we all want to read and know about.

Neuro Linguistic Programming or NLP, is a system that works with logic and linguistics to identify programs and mind-behavior relationship. With these tools of logical analyses, a shift in perspective for attainment of one's goal is called NLP.

Simply put, identifying a half empty glass and shifting to interpret it as half full is exactly what NLP is about.

A few years back, when I was in my lowest of low, I grieved and mourned and cried like the pain was too heavy to bear. that I'm too broken to move forward. Too empty to dream. Too everything. Then one day, with my bulging belly and all, I walked towards the chapel I frequented, I decided to put an end to my misery. I decided to look at the situation as a chance to prove i'm stronger than most people think I am. I decided to shift my words from I CAN'T to I CAN.

I started choosing happy thoughts only and refused to wallow in tears for more than an hour the most.

And though my healing and moving forward is a work in progress, I would like to think that I have gotten a few ribbons and stars along the way. NLP is about being better. being stronger. being more.

Yes, obviously, I am amazed at the whole concept. I didn't know that such mundane self-induced decisions such as shifting of perspectives can actually have a fancy term. And a whole string of courses too.

LOL.

Makes me bring to a confession: I have always wanted to be a life coach.

OH watch out Dr. Phil. No, watch out Wittgenstein. :D


Never stop thinking: One of my most favorite images of all time.

Remembering why it's half full when we're feeling half empty

I hate waking up in the middle of the night. Precisely why I hate the 6-11 black out shifts with a passion.The feeling of waking up into darkness, or even, waking up to see the lights back on and having to get up to put out the candles and stow away emergency lights are not routines I would like to get used to.

And I will never get used to this feeling sitting on my chest. It feels empty but heavy. Like waking up after an afternoon nap and discovering that sunset is almost over. And nightfall is a few seconds away. The mere timeframe. the mere picture of sunset upon waking up. The mere sad colors splashing all over the sky. THAT makes me feel this. And I know this feeling is anything but happy.

I am sad. sigh.

But over the years of feeling this kind of emotion, I have mastered the art of getting over it. Well, actually, more like the art of shoving it aside. And tonight, as I lay here fully awake and thinking of whipping icing on the Ariel cake, and worrying some endless worries, I try so hard to practice the art of shoving it aside.
And finding it a bit difficult than usual.

And as I encounter a single mommie's reality blog, and reading some of her worries/thoughts/frustrations makes me feel, well more sad. But I feel like despite everything lacking in my life, I feel blessed. And I feel for S.M. cuz I KNOW how and what she's feeling... And knowing how empty and how abyss like frustration must weigh on her little heart makes me feel sad for her, with her too. But I also feel fortunate as I realize the many things I should be thankful for.

So tonight, instead of ranting and nurturing this useless case of blues I will list down some of the beautiful things of today. And in my everyday existence:

*I've perfected the carrot and butter cuppycakes.
*I've managed to eat zero pork today, which means I am well on my way to realizing my losing weight.
*I've failed utterly in creating a sumptuous squash cake, but made an amazing squash and carrots soup for dinner. :)
*I've discovered that it is good to spend a few hours of lounging on bean bags with my little one, reading stories and sharing stories.
*I spoke with my little sister and had another reality check conversation.
*I realized that my lil one and me are fortunate to still afford ballet class, purchase cake supplies, grab a pizza and ride horses just for the heck of it.
*My lil one's nanny is heaven sent. And despite of my constant worrying that she might decide to leave when school starts (She wants to go back to school) I am still trying desperately to figure a way of accommodating her dream of joining Sunday School program to finsih high school. Gosh, could I afford sending her to schoooool???
*I still have my writing job despite days of slack and writer's block.
*Thank God for one Day at a Time mantra.

And when I have these nights that I feel that the glass is half empty, I always remind myself that half empty is half full. And shifting my perception and remembering what has gotten me this far always works in making me feel better. hopeful. optimistic. THANKFUL.

Yeah, with all the s*** i've been through, being thankful every single day will always make things easier to take. Making life easier at one day at a time.

What are you thankful for?

One More Chance

My friend D posted this on M's FB wall: the second chance we gave to the same undeserving person could have been the chance with your Mr. Right....

I'm the kind of person who always gives second chances. ALWAYS. And as well-meaning my intentions are, I seldom end up thinking I made a good decision and most often bawling like a kid. As I spent many nights pondering on chances, and thinking, maybe it's worth one more try, this wakes me up into a whole new perspective.

Why give second chances when we can always make firsts with someone better, someone more? Sigh.

If life. slash love. is this easy, One More Chance would have flopped.

But D, she could have not said it any better.

Good Night Mr. Moon, I had an awesome weekend.

When I tuck Coco in, we usually talk about the day's events and recount the new things she learned today and point out our favorites. And as we sang lullabies tonight, she told me she likes Didi from American Idol and went on to render her own version of what's the song. And she tells me firmly: I want to be a singer when I grow up. And I gotta atdmit, Coco sings way better than I do! (i really can't sing at all!)

And as Coco starts sleeping soundly, I recount my Coco highlights of the week. I had a few of Coco antics and Coco funny moments when she started feeling better. And because of these moments, I found myself actually laughing honestly:

1. Coco learning role playing and pretending to be Jesus. Imagine her, in white pajamas, white sando, curly hair and big tummy with her Barney blanket around her waist and her arms outstretched. I found it real funny, albeit, it was a bit disrespectful in retrospect. But I don't think Jesus would mind, after all, it was not a mockery. If she wasn't the one kneeling to pray, she was Bro listening to our prayers. ")

2. Coco wrapping my towel around her and holding in her outstretched arms the latest falshlight we bought and exclaiming: Darna. Oh. Huge Pause. Superman. Then she frowns, thinks for a moment and exclaims: Ako si Dragona! (oh my, where on earth did she learn that? WHO IS DRAGONA???!)

3. At lunch, when we were still at the table discussing stuff and all, Coco went to play with her yaya. And they both started singing: Apir Tayo, Sumakit Ulo Ko.. (Sexbomb song! OMG!!! I totally wanna wring the nanny's neck)

4. This morning when I was busy working on my articles, Coco takes out her laptop and mimics my actions. She tells her favorite doll Dora, to shush, cuz she's working. I pretended to be engrossed with what I was doing, keeping one eye open and one ear alert, and I saw and heard Coco: "Busy ko Dora ha, don't disturb. Ngita ko money. Later na ta magplay." LOL

5. As I was coming out from the shower, I heard Coco barking orders at our yaya. She was giving out instructions on what to have for lunch and what medicines to give Dora. I peeked out to see Coco (to my utter amazement) in my bank's skirt uniform, my black flats, her dora sling bag and giving out orders like I do. The clincher: Dali na Inday kai late nasad ko ani. LOL Oh my Gawd, do I sound like that every freakin morning???

I know that this has got to be the best form of flattery. AND finding my little girl acting like me is downright funny. But a bit scary too. LOL wake up call for me though, sometimes, the mommy guilt takes over. I might be working too much and working too hard that I often mistake Coco's play time to be work time.

I've read somewhere that it's the single parent's syndrome. Wherein we solo parents overcompensate the other's absence by providing too much, loving too much, protecting too much, working too much.. But well, I guess too much may be better than too less.

Happy Sunday everyone, workweek starts in a few hours. Cherish the weekends with your little ones and the rest of the great family.

xoxo!

Worries vs Happy Thoughts.

Why does my two year old kid act like a brat sometimes? Why do I keep on repeating things for people to understand? Why is our world full of skeptics, pessimists and angry people? Will I ever get rid of the habit of worrying? Where would we be five years from now? Will I be able to send Coco to a good school? Would I be able to meet my boss’ deadline? Will I continue writing until my fingers have grown numb from arthritis and old age? Would painting my toenails red be better than painting them bottle green? Until when are we going to suffer from these daily black outs? When will we realize that loving is never measured, for it is meant to be unconditional? What if I can’t raise the money? What if I don’t get into the training by next week? What if? What if? What if?

On a usual weekend, my mind continually goes on about the many worries my little heart holds. And instead of actually worrying them, I’m writing them down. My mind never stops working, and I’m thankful for that. For where would I be if I would stop thinking for even just a second? Ugh.

And so, after writing my worries down, I resolve to think only about happy thoughts. About things I look forward to this year, of the plans I draw for me and my little girl and for the little things that bring joy to my everyday existence. And so, here goes my happy thoughts for the week and the weeks therafter.

Coco snoring.
Red toenails.
Sunday Lunch with my family.
My sister gathering the courage to push through with her panel interview.
Writing endlessly about a number of keywords.
Hot chocolate.
Pineapples.
Adobo spareribs.
AC working.
Puppies.
Cakes.
Coco Shopping for toys and clothes.
New juicer and that beautiful Bulova watch.
Swimming.
Coco’s third birthday with Dora, Barney and the Disney Princesses.
A possible raise.
Gift Certificates.
Educational Plans.
Canada.
Ocean Park.
Christmas.
July, August and September.. wheee!
D’s bridal shower, wedding and more.
Writing projects.
Articles, articles, articles.
Blogging.
Making picture frames and postcards.
Baking cupcakes, tarts and more pineapple squares.
Balloons.
Flowers in full bloom.
Praying sincerely and whole-heartedly
Love. Love. Love.
That made me feel so much better. Anticipating the best and praying for God to help us with the rest is the best way over worrying much. And so, for this month of March, I resolve to lessen the worrying and increase the praying.

Keep the faith, everyone. Life is wonderful when we place it in our Father’s hands.