L O S T

Everyone is entitled to have weighed down moments.

I am entitled to one or two, crammed in 15 minute timelines, before the sun rises or before the little girl wakes up. Sometimes, I would sit in the toilet with my lighted up candles and an unfinished, creased book by my side- just sitting, thinking, not thinking. just letting my mind wander and letting the emotions run wild.

This morning, I woke up with this sick feeling in my stomach- like warning bells of some sorts.
And it felt like the morning after, the down of the high, the crazy spiraling downward crap.

But I don't know anything wrong with me. Like this emptiness right smack in the middle of my everything.
And I'm not sure where this is heading, or where I'm going.
And I sure as hell don't understand why I am having this 'weighed down moment' in the first place.

Well, I know, but, it's kind of pathetic.

Maybe it's because of the questions.
of the plans that don't go as planned.
of the wishes.
that I don't want to wish.
Maybe it's because of the feeling of being not in control.
Of wanting so much more.
And feeling stuck.
Maybe it's because of impossible things.
Of feeling not right.
Or Maybe it's just the fact that we all want to be so much more
in such a little time.

And I just wanted to shrug IT off.

So this morning, I visited my favorite blogs, found inspiring quotes and posters that well, almost equal the clarity I get from being confined in this toilet corner. And I lighted candles and watched the sunrise. I listened to the sleepy town waking up and little girl softly snoring.

I woke up before my alarm, woke up to witness the quiet before the storm.
And it has always, time and again, given me the best 15 minutes of the day.

I will be in my 'weighed down moments' for some more time, well into the weekend I suppose.
But this time, I won't even pretend it's not HERE.

Today, I will not care if I am actually, in it.

And today, I won't mind feeling this LOST.

Ha!

Ten seconds of being

Frustrated.

Weighed down.

But not giving up just yet.

Even if being .. trying to be positive stinks sometimes.

TONIGHT is to be included in one of those moments when you just wanna crawl under the covers and curl and die.

LOLZ

Not really die.

Maybe for an hour or two,

Drink. No.

Smoke! NOOOOOO

Like, just be NEGATIVE!

Wallowing.

Crazy.

The ten seconds of procrastination is up.

back to being, hello there positivity.

ack!

A Jar of Happiness. And everything else.

That's me and lil one, trick or treating. (Tita D is beside lil gurl, but not sure if I can post her here, lolz)

Halloween 2011 

I'm happy.

I don't get why most find it hard to believe that I am. 

I don't understand why people would think I am not.

I don't tell people that I am happy, but scared to be, yet thankful I am.

But I am happy.

Truly.

I love my lilGurl.

And I love that she loves me back unconditionally.

I am happy being a mother.

I am happy with my job.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am good with my single blessedness.

I am at peace with my solo parenthood.

I am truly in this state of tranquility.

Although my happiness do not equate to contentment, 

the NOW that I have is something that I am joyful about.

Joyful.

Thankful.

Grateful.

Yes.

I still dream of my happy ever after.

I pray for that day to come.

I still want to see Paris.

And watch the lights and listen to the beautiful Parisian noise

With this person who can actually understand me.

Love me.

Truly.

I still have those moments.

When I ask my what ifs;

When I wonder how I will handle things;

When I wish I can be better.

Have better,

Do better.

But I have more of those times 

When I laugh.

When I see the beauty of gray skies.

When I giggle at stupid jokes.

Or smile because I think things are good.

And I have this lilGurl.

Who loves me.

Whom I love more back.

And we are given these moments

of just wonderful bonding;

of carefree love;

of quiet understanding.

And I find myself in prayer,

in quiet thought,

and in acceptance

Of a number of things

from my past,from my now and even from my future.

And so I know.

I feel.

I truly am.

Happy :)

Ain't it just beautiful?

I thought I had it all figured out.

Just when I think I've got all the areas covered, LilGurl comes home from school with a homework about a family. They were asked to look for and paste pictures of their Moms and Dads and a family portrait.

She has always been proud of the fact that her mom is a 'single mommy'. She says it like single motherhood is synonymous with being a superhero. But this time, last night, wellll.... It was different.

She came to me with a question that bothered her most of the day. I hated to see that screwed up expression on her face as if all I'm saying is blabber. LilGurl says: Ma, You said you're both my mom and Dad. But Teacher says a father is a boy and you're a girl. So how can you also be a dad?

SO, How do you answer that?!

How do I begin to tell her that such stereotyping is already dead in this generation (DUH). I kept on running conversations, quotes and scrolling one-liners I prepared for this moment in my head to satisfy this little girl's wonder and bring down that eyebrow she's raising.

And so I stood there, with my hands covered with glue and my eyes welling up and she's still looking at me like i'm about to turn into a mushroom head.

At that exact moment, my options were:

One. Wring the teacher's neck!! I already told her about the WAY I teach the KINDS of families in this lifetime. Hello, whatever happened to the Parent-Teacher conversations we had?!

Two. I tell LilGurl: Geez, I'm the only one with the balls to raise her (UH, no, such bitterness! lolz)

Three: I tell her that I shift from girl to boy to girl in between hours? (Sounds weird)

Four: I tell her that she was given to me from the heavens or skies in a blanket, and it just so happened at that time that I am alone.. and site some mambo jambo from a fictional post. (THIS IS THE SHITTIEST)

OR Five. I just tell her the truth that I know. In a way that she understands.

Sometimes, there are just questions you cannot even begin to answer why or how.

Before bedtime, I told her, finally, that I am a girl. Therefore, I am a mother. BUT I am a single mother. A single Mommy. AND THAT gives me the chance, the gift to be the daddy also. I have the most unique spot of being allowed to be both the mommy and the daddy.

She then breaks a smile and says: OHH OWRIGHT. I forgot you're a single mommy!! So you're stronger than the normal mommies (UGH, as if there's a normal mommie). And she gives me that toothy smile, a high five and a hug.

And went on coloring her books.

I can feel her hug, ten thousand times. I know the question was never gonna stop there. And I know that the answer was kind of, a band-aid, a fallacy even. I know that she has this something inside, like she knows, or wonders, that something's missing.

I may not be a typical daddy, nor will I ever be a typical mommy. BUT I know that I am being the best parent for her right now.

You know, that KNOW with a conviction part, didn't come easy to me though. As I got up and pretended to wash the glue from my hands over and over whole she keeps her art supplies, I cried a bucket and one of tears without making a damn sound.

And then, I went back in the room with tears gone, moisturizer on my face and a ready good-night, tuck the lil bear kiss.

Sometimes, I think she's right, being a single mommy (Or a NORMAL mommy) is actually anything but normal.

Bright Kid, she is. Oftentimes, she's the one giving me the answers to my own questions that I can't even begin to understand.

Sunrise and Heart Secrets

Sunrise has always been magical for me.

The waiting for the sun slowly making its way back to the horizon gives me this beautiful feeling of acceptance. And peace and tranquility, And that spark of hope of a more beautiful future.

Last night, me and lil one spent time browsing through my new home design magazine. We pointed out which sheets we preferred and paintings that went well with the color themes. I have always loved looking at home designs, loved the feeling of actually having a dream house - with the kitchen and library I have vividly stamped in my mind.

AND last night, I learned that lil one loved doing the same thing too. She has the same bright eyes look when she finds something that picks her interest. The same beautiful wonder when she visualizes herself into the photographs. She was very quick to point to details- noticing even the things in the background. She noticed beautiful decors partially hidden by the angle which the picture was taken.

And that's a skill, a trait, a virtue? worth cultivating: Seeing the entirety of a picture.

This morning, as I sat and waited for the sky to turn bright, I let my thoughts wander. I sat with my heart open, and took in the silence of this beautiful world around me. And as I have come to terms with a number of things in my life, I found that lil space where I can come and sit comfortably every single day.

The little changes I have started doing seem like baby steps, but at least the first one has been made. Today, I offer my prayers and thanks to another day that can be spent for changing for the better.

Oh, the road to betterment is such a steep and difficult one. But I know, the climb will be worth it.

After this sunrise, I promise to:
Drink wheatgrass and honey before breakfast continuously
Drink more water
Build resolve to continue avoiding the stick
NO MORE Soda
Say Thank You more often
Add things to my bucketlist
Accept the line: What's wrong with being number 2? from Tuesdays with Morrie
Find a good book worth reading on a weekend
Start things rolling for the next big change

GOOD MORNING WORLD! :) Lil One is waking up now.

Through the Lonely to the Other Side

What they say about coming out at the end of the tunnel is true: it's always far better than we actually hoped for.

Birthdays always reminds me of the past that even go years back. And it also always reminds me of the better things ahead too. I remember feeling happy then feeling scared to be happy. Mostly because I felt that maybe one day, that happiness will be taken from me: In a form of betrayal, deception or just taken away, literally.

Then most of the time, the fear outweighs the feeling of actually FEELING the joy of things.

But you know, lately, the fear has seemed to dissipate over time. And for some time now, I have really begun to feel the happiness that I have long anticipated.

AND I'm no longer afraid too.

My family has been through a lot of things, a series of disappointments among those years too. But when I look at their smiling faces, hear my little girl's laughter and find the littlest of things making sense, I just find this.. this peace, quietly taking place in my otherwise troubled heart.

This morning, my morning paper carried an article on "what it takes to be a family".. And I felt validated. Maybe even vindicated too. But more of.. well, just happy. (I say that word A LOT these days, lolz) The author grew up in a single parent household, and she said that although she felt somewhat different, or distant, from her classmates and her community, she realized that she has turned out to be quite "normal" like her friends from "whole" families or even better.

The author also went on to say that the key to having this kind of confidence, this kind of achievement was that her solo parent household showered her with love, love and more love. And the feeling of being at home- comfortable in her own skin, own family, own friends..

AND you see, I think I'm completely normal too, to find myself almost crying in joy, when little girl tells me stories about her classes, about her thoughts, her feelings.. And when she tells me she loves me and that she knows I love her back too. Because I think, my fear of things going wrong may not be so anymore. Because, deep down, I know that I have done my best and for the first time in a really long time, I think my best has been good enough. OR even better. :)

Happy Birthday Month to both me and lil one. Cliche, but true, love always brings us through tunnels of our lives.

Complicating the Simple. Simplifying the Complex.....

If it isn't a bad dream that wakes me up in the middle of the night, it's the anticipation of a good one.

Life has always been tougher than usual with me, but lately, I find that it hasn't really been so. Maybe I was born a drama queen, or maybe, I over-think things too much that even the simplest become complicated.

This month, our birth month, is one big celebration of the simple complexity of our lives: Mine and Lil bear's. And for every weekend we spent blowing candles, eating cakes and just really lounging together is a testament to how the tough always gets the best things.

AND I feel, that hey, when life was hard before, this. THIS, right now is my reward.

We realize, that, when we marvel at the simple COMPLEXITY of things, we stand in amazement at how SIMPLY beautiful and wonderful our day to day is.

This year, we hope for our dreams to come true. AND we hope to do more better things for the people around us too.

Tonight, as I actually, weirdly, feel my heart skip a beat again, I take my good friend G's words as I sleep: Enjoy the feeling :)

Yes, that, I will do.

Ah, to be young again!