Of Weddings and Eternity

To the most fun couple we know

We thank you for allowing us to be part of this joyous occasion.

Cheers to Amour and Beth's beautiful wedding rites

and to a more fun-filled and laughter filled life together!

Moving from A to B and stuck in between

Wow.

Today, I won the Laziest Person Alive award.

It's the city's charter day and even though most are still reeling from the Independence Day Holiday (with all the Makibaka, Maki-isa activities), it meant nothing more to me than an additional day to make this weekend worthwhile.

What does Charter Day even mean in the first place?

Crap.

That's how utterly insignificant my political awareness has been lately.

Today, I spent 6 whole hours absolutely prostate in bed, without a shower, without a comb or a thought. lolz and it was the most relaxing, most liberating feeling in such a long time!

I have been feeling THIS tired the past weeks, for God knows what, and the thoughts of just lounging in the sun or making pancakes while Norah Jones is playing on an early morning (not rushing sunny side ups because I am running late for work again) keep running in my mind.

And I keep on re-drawing my plans, finding a way to move the "retirement" plans few years - no, few decades earlier!  Simply because, I feel like I want to stay at home and just make breakfasts.

I keep making multiple choices - re-arranging my long term plans and summing them all (or discarding the ones in place) with a few out of this world options:

A. Sell all my assets (what assets?!) and pay off all my financial obligations, take a backpack (and a lil backpack) and embark on a remarkable around the world journey with little one.

B. Invest - and resign from my job and take on a no-brainer, no effort  near the house kind of work and get paid minimum wage. At least, it's just a day - in, day out kinda thing.

C. Sell something, build a little house in the mountain, plant vegetables and corn, make pancake breakfasts and camote, and become a full time mom to lil gurl (so how do I pay her tuition again?!)

D. weellll. suck it up. Wait for my annulment to come out, get the stuff done, and embark on a new phase by the time I hit 3-0. (So far, I AM still on schedule! what's my problem again?)

Man, This has got to be past-quarter life crisis, I am sure of it.

So, in my attempt to discover the ISSUES that I keep coming up with, I tried a different approach this time.
I have traded the inner-self discussions with nothing; I switched from contemplating to just chilling; Overthinking to Just Letting Go.

And so today, on my first day of this really long journey, I wasted spent the entire day in Pajamas, watching Narnia with Coco and ate melted marshmallows over Koko Crunch.

Since Cuzn T is here for the long weekend, we also spent the day doing art projects - mixing water color paintings with cut-outs and drawings and lining them up against the garden wall just for the heck of it.

We ate overcooked milk pancakes and boiled sab-a, overly sour adobo, and of course, Jollibee Chicken Joy.

AND we re-discovered the art of palanay; It is freedom from all the stress, the self-imposed pressure and the never-ending must-do's;

It's being free from the worldly wants that keep multiplying exponentially; the timelines that we diligently follow, and frankly, it's also being temporarily free from the rat race we call a lot of things.

As the sun sinks at the horizon, I finally understood the main reason why the nation takes time to celebrate Independence Day and charter days - it's to give us overworked (lolz), underpaid (yes) laborers our much needed day-off :D

To collect ourselves that have seemingly spread thin trying to make ends meet

And maybe, in this short of a holiday, earn back a piece of that sanity we hold on to most dear too!

What gives?

I woke up in the middle of sleep last night, with a nightmare just hanging above my head. I rose to wash my face, and stared back at the person with the sad eyes - looking right back at me for a stretch of time.

I must have stayed there, staring back with the faucet still running and with my heavy heart in my throat.

Such a long time I had a dream like that. I didn't  know what to make of it.
But it left such sadness, such moments of regret or well, loneliness even, lingering.

Maybe because I was heart-breakingly sad, even in that dream.

Or maybe because, I was exactly who I was in that dream.
I still said the same lines, did the same things as if I were awake or sober.

And it's sad.

Because I know what is here, deep in this stone of a heart.

I know it for a fact. like a part of every fiber of my body.
A memory I just can't shake off.

But you know, when I wake up (or even in the dream), I still don't give myself the liberty to say the things I want to say. Or do the things I want to do.

Because, as much as I don't want to admit it, this is the way I am. Now. or before. or in the future.
I can't change it. and I feel like I will be chained by these emotions until I find the courage to actually do something unlikely.

Which is also unlikely to ever happen.

Yesterday, me and lil gurl watched a movie and grabbed a pizza with a friend of mine.
I won't deny that I have always been exclusive and I have always been particular to keeping the personal space personal.

But recently, I'm actually letting someone tag along.

And although it is kinda scary, I feel quite okay with it. And most importantly, lil gurl is okay with it too.

Weird. But it's nice :) Nice. But scary.

All the possibilities, and making things happen

There is something beautiful in mornings like today.

Like expecting a lot of things.
Anticipating a million moments.
And just sitting here, taking all in the silence - the peacefulness of my life.

This year brings a number of major changes.

* We're building a new kitchen, creating a sun room and having a place to grill and sit and have beer on lazy weekends.

What originally was a "dollhouse" kitchen became a project of love. We started adding more designs, more plans. Creating more room for the Sundays we spend together cooking and baking.

And we started buying worthless stuff for the shelves (decorations :p) and more pretty casseroles, baking pans and table napkins. My sister kept scouring the kitchen section at their mall and looking for silicone kitchen ware - cuz she thinks it's kinda weird to have pure steel kitchen stuff.

My cuzn T is actually inspired and has started drawing plans for her own kitchen renovation.

Most of the floors are tiled now, just waiting for the splash of citrus and the shelves to be mounted. I'm positively excited of the outcome!

* Lil gurl is moving up to kindergarten and she's started doing math drills and singing more lovely songs.
She's started playing the Piano and has been able to play the first song I learned too.
We're all just speculating of sending her to music school so she can learn to play more songs and perhaps, the violin too.

* Lil gurl is losing a tooth, having us checking on it every day. She isn't a bit scared - more excited to finally meet the tooth fairy. and tell her stories from the land of fairytopia (REALLY!!)

* My new help is the best I had in years. Everything is spotless, odorless and absolutely organized! Every morning, when I sit out to read or write, she brings me coffee (in cup and saucer and a teaspoon of brown sugar) and some boiled camote or saging to nibble on. How LOVELY is that?

And last night, I asked THE lawyer for an update on my annulment case. And for the first time in months, it was in a positive note. With a definite timeline. and laughter in his voice. (so, laughter in mine too!)

Everyday, I prayed for this and this year, it's finally going to happen. There is beauty in the waiting, you know, but I think the beauty is magnified in the way we look at the waiting and when we are finally seeing the end.

Finally, this year, I think (I FEEL) that maybe, it is possible to find someone who CAN love me.
love Coco.
Accept my life.
Accept my priorities.
Accept this.

And I feel that maybe, it's possible to actually fall in love with him too.

A grateful heart is a contented heart

God, sometimes my drama is excruciatingly sickening.

lolz

The first thing that greeted me this morning was my post about feeling crappy. I know, some days, I just feel like in the dumps. But on my normal days, i don't think I actually, really am. :)

I know for a fact that I am blessed more than I appreciate that I am.

So, I chuckled when I read the post.

Although the crappy feeling was real, I am thankful that a handful, pail-full of tears and a box-full of tissue solved the never-ending drama in my life.

The crying always works.

Today, I met a woman who had a chip on her shoulder.
We talked and I learned of the blacks and blues.
And the things that I have been spared of.
And I realize, that despite my challenges and my drama,
I should be just thankful instead.

So.

I am thankful for every night I snuggle with lil gurl.
For the mornings that greet me beside her.

I am thankful for the laughter that we laugh.
The tears that we cry.

I am thankful for the quaint tea shop my Cuzn T introduced to me.
And for the life conversations we have with people we don't likely expect.
I am thankful for weekends with my little one.
For the 'moments' that we have.
I am thankful for the stories I can tell.
And for the lessons we learn.
I am thankful for my friends who always know when to call, what to say or what not.
For hugs that transcend even great distances.
I am thankful for my job - that keeps me busy and feeling productive.
For something that has made everything tumble into place.

I am thankful that I am building my own little kitchen.
And the idea that I can start baking again.

I am thankful for my dreams.
For my plans of the future and the fact that there will always be hope.
I am thankful for my faith that never wavers despite everything.
For the prayers that we say.
I am thankful for the words that always come tumbling out
laying my feelings and thoughts down.

I am thankful for the everyday learnings.
And realizations.
And the strangers that we meet everyday.

I am thankful for the fact that I feel beautiful most of the time.
(REALLY!!)

And most importantly, I am thankful for the someone who constantly thinks I am.
Despite the lbs, the pimples or stress. or the attitude.

I am thankful for the fact that I have friends who still believe in fairytales.
because of them, I feel like I can have mine :)

Ah the Questions we CAN answer

I thought I was gonna lose my mind last week. But thankfully, things worked out quite well.

Some nights ago, while I was brushing lig gurl's hair before bedtime, she told me:

"Ma, I have a bad Daddy."

And I asked her, "Who told you that?"

"Just in my mind," She said and further explained "Because he doesn't take care of us."

How does she manage to chain these kind of thoughts together? And how do you refute something that is the just the Truth? How do you change the way she thinks or feels about her non-existent father, when you can't teach her or give her things that are not there in the first place?

When lil gurl was born, I told myself I will raise her alone, in the best possible way I know how.
And I will not let her grow up feeling lacking, just because her biological father is quite - well, something not great. And I will make sure she won't hear a single bad thing about him - so I decided to keep my otherwise unpalatable opinion of him to myself.

Afterall, no matter how many times he will deny my daughter's existence, the fact will remain that she is his offspring. The Daughter he did not deserve and will, ironically, never be his.

As much as I'd like to tell her there is NO Daddy in the picture, I opted to say the right thing:

So I told Lil Gurl: "Your Daddy is not bad. He just made choices in his life that me or you are not part of. And that does not make him bad, it's just how we go about life."

I'm not sure it was enough of an explanation but lil gurl said: "It's okay that he did not include me or you, or us. You take care of me. I have the best mommy in the whole world!"

And she said this with a hug for me that you can't even begin to imagine!

So, if you were in my place, how do you keep the damn tears from falling? Most difficult, i tell you. But you know, when you see this little kid trying to figure out things that most kids don't even think about at her age, you just can't cry and break down.

You just have to put on your strong face and tell her things are just Normal. perfect, even.

All things dissected and discussed, I told myself that whatever we think about so often, and whatever we say, usually happens and usually comes back to us.

And whatever we sow today, we will surely reap tomorrow.

So I constantly reminded myself the whole of last week of the Law of Attraction.

And it is still right that I keep my mouth shut. At the end of the day, I didn't tell my little girl bad things about him. The fact is we don't talk about him at all - except in some moments as these, and always in general perspective.

Today, I woke up with all things in perspective.

What's wrong if it's just me and her?

That's not enough to bring me down, sucker.

Lil gurl has been nagging me about getting a mocha frappe for twenty-one days now.

And I tell her: When we have enough money, we'll get those expensive treats.

For now, we need to save money because we don't have so much and because we have a big project.

One of the nights I cried silently, crying those two-minute sobs - just because I feel like crap, lil gurl tells me

"Ma, even if we don't have so much money, I still think we have the best life right now"

AND I tell myself: What in the world did I do to deserve such a wonderful daughter?

Who knocks me to my senses when I'm in the brink of losing it.

Okay, I admit, I'm such a DQ.

Though I have been feeling more of half-empty nowadays, I told myself I will see things as half-full. After all, what could possibly be wrong in my life that I couldn't handle, right?

I spent the five days of holiday just doing nothing - just driving around, eating out with Coco, staring at my ceiling at night and asking myself all those gazillion questions I have. And I awake with with the same answer: nothing, and just more questions.

As I realize that the people who are constantly bringing me down are the very same people I care deeply about is just another fact of life that I need to swallow whole - with all the bitterness and anger in.

And if I couldn't find the logic in everything that is happening, or if I couldn't accept whole-heartedly the things I have or hear, or even feel, I must overcome them. 

At that moment, I had a choice: to let it get to me or to rise above it.

And today, right now, I choose to rise above it.

I will stick with my plan. I know I am on track and within timeline.

I will keep my mouth shut. No matter what!

I will take the insults and turn them into a challenge.

I will accept that there are things in this life that will never sit well with me. And I shouldn't care.

I will understand that my life is not normal to begin with and it will never be.

AND I will, from this day forward, count my blessings as they come.

I am blessed in more ways than one. If I need to remind myself of that every chance I get, I will. 

I will believe in myself even if it's just me who's left believing.

So, if they think, a few insults here and there, some bullying and more hurtful actions will bring me down, well, too bad, it ain't enough.