Because I Will it to be, it IS.

I don't like the feeling. I was half surprised of how I reacted and it took a bit of time to sink in. Or am I just being paranoid again? Like an emptiness pushed back into the recesses, it creeps up slowly. Only it transformed into more like of paranoia. no, anxiety. Anxoius about a lot of things that are possible. Anxious of what are the little could bes in the next years that is gonna be downright scary.

And I know, it's like being scared of being not in control again. Like bursting the bubble I have created around me. Like a few more steps, and it would be outside my comfort zone. Like finding a little hole in the fortress I have built. Like rocking our little boat, even though the water is calm as an old man sitting on the beachfront.

I know, a lot of you would think that stepping out of the box and onto what's beyond that high fence, is the only way to have a normal life. Normal in the sense that, it is going to lived to the fullest.

But how can I?

When you have gone through most of what I have, I think you might also consider building things again with a big shield around the things you value most. I know. But this is how I am. And I don't like the feeling- that infinite possibility that it might be. I like building my world like I want it to be. Please, i just don't want any kind of trouble. Nor I don't want any more of those hurts. It's not good. It's not nice. It's downright depressing.

I know, I'm just missing Coco. 1 more night, I'll be on my way back to my little one. Found the dora stuffs and the mike that she wanted. But her Lola Mommie keeps reminding me of finding her nice pajamas that will fit her. And i got her the laptop she always wanted.. :D So excited to see her grinning face on Christmas morning...

Next time I have these bouts of stupid anxiety again, I should remind myself of my
little darling and our little world.

IT IS BOUND TO BE PERFECT. SIMPLY BECAUSE I WANT IT TO BE.