Christmas Cleaning.

I spent most of last night cleaning out my closet. And i found lots of wardrobe that needs to be disposed of. Given away. Thrown out. And found lots that I've been looking for since like forever. And I found another one full of clothes I haven't even used.

Have you ever found yourself binge shopping for clothes and stuff only to find out you look stupid in them? I got lots of those. Shopping has always been my therapeutic friend. It has always been my solace during depression. Like a pain reliever, shopping has given me similar several doses of morphines and valiums and made all those pain, sadness, depressing thoughts go away. The fact that I've got closets full of useless stuff proves that I've gathered a number of those moments. LOL. Would it mean that since I forgot to do any good shopping this year, I am a whole lot happier?

I would hope so.

I forgot to get myself anything this Christmas. I realized it when i found I didn't have anything new for the Christmas Eve mass. And suddenly figured out that I only have about a few pairs of new shoes this year. As a shoe addict, that's like big ray of light to overcoming the addiction. But the question is, do I really wanna get over it?

I'm much happier this year, i must admit. I don't have that negative cloud hanging over me, following me wherever I go. My good friend Van told me that I have come out much stronger than I have hoped for. This year, I've realized that moving on with life is a choice we all have to make. And the path that we choose on how to do it is dependent upon our personal reasons and goals. I chose mine to follow DABDA. Not consciously choosing, but fortunately going through it step by step. Denial. Anger. Bitterness. Depression. and Finally Acceptance.

It took me almost three years to do it. And finally, as the year 2009 closes, I know I have accepted things. And I have truly moved on. And in the process, became a better person. I owe it mostly to Coco and my personal relationship with God, my saviour. I owe it to my sister and family. I owe it to my support group, of my crazy girls and close friends. And I owe it to writing.

Without these I would have still been a wreck. A lost sheep who'd never be able to find her way back. Without my Coco, I would have still been direction-less and empty.

This year, I didn't make any wishlist. Simply because for the first time in my whole life, I feel like I have everything I need. The wants I made up for the christmas parties were all mundane but necessary: stockings for work, hand sanitizers, hand lotions, a pack of chocolates, coin purse to hold my endless coins, and the only one left: new earphones for my ipod. Ten days before the year will end, I tried making a new wishlist, just for the heck of it. But I ended up making my blessings list.

Ten days before Christmas, i got what I wished for. I got the call i've been waiting for, and the break i've always wanted. And I found Coco having a grand time at her first school Christmas party and realized she has learned the values of sharing, honesty, patience and thoughtfulness. She has understood team work and leadership and most importantly, winning and having fun. I got my writing jobs. And the fast realization that it's what I really do best. And the fact that I'm doing what I love to do and earning from it, makes it a whoooollleee lot greater.
Corie flying to Canada and fulfilling goal no. 1 is a good blessing. :) The rest of the gang flying out makes the whole new perspective taking place faster. And lastly, for the friends I have earned this year, the old ones that I have always treasured and the ones that I haven't met yet: my life is simply better with your presence.

Indeed, 2009 was great. But 2010 will be life-changing better :)