Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

We have come a long way as a solo parenting household and I know it has been a long and tough road sometimes. But we have gotten through the ugliest parts, haven't we? And today, as we live out our days as the fluffy team, I look forward to sharing more laughter and love with you. And I will assure you that we will get through all days in the future with you and me together.

I know you already understand the set-up that we are in, but if one day will come when you get to ask yourself why, don’t ever doubt answering it with: why not? Always know that I have always loved you from the moment I first heard your heart beat, at 5 weeks in my tummy. Always know that there will never come a day that you will ever feel unloved. Or lacking.

Always remember that you are perfect in mommy’s eyes, and that I thank the Lord every single moment that I can for giving me the chance to take care of you, to love you and to cherish you. Never go on a day carrying the “what if’s” and “what could have been’s” for they are not yours. They are never yours to begin with. Leave it to the wind, as I have left mine the day I committed to being your mother. Know that I owe this life without burden to you.

Never forget that we have a beautiful family and a strong support system that have always been there for us in all the turns we took. 

As you grow and go on this journey of life, you will encounter many friends, and many un-friends. Choose the people you give your heart to, but be generous with your love, as you have always been. Never lose that twinkle in your eye, or that beautiful smile.

If one day you will wake up with a broken heart and tears in your eyes, always remember that mommy is an arm’s length away. And this beautiful family that we have will always come running to you; run back home, for you will always have a home to come back to.

Never doubt for a moment that you have blessed this home and our hearts with the love and bounty we can ever imagine.

I love you Co. The whole family loves you so much! 

And remember this day as the beginning of the days when you will never doubt this kind of love for a moment.

Love, Mommy

Thank You for August

August is a month of celebrations. For this brief moment in a year, I hold my reality in this state of fleeting abeyance and allow myself to savor every happy, raucous, chaotic days of eating sweets, drinking wine and spending both time and money in pampering thyself. (oh.no.)

Few days ago, I crossed into the third decade with the most unexpected beautiful surprises. The transition into this new phase has been fairly kind and a great deal awesome! The birthday well wishes started pouring in the last week of July and trickled well into the middle of this month. There was one surprise after another, and if I had known 30 is being this loved, I would have jumped and skyrocketed into this year!

So, I am ready for this next stage in my life and I am ,this year, yet again thankful for so many things:

* for my daughter who has grown into this amazing little lady. She has never failed to surprise me with her thoughtfulness, her sweetness and her lovable nature. She has also come to understand the many changes we have been encountering and we have both found ourselves in the middle of something new and beautiful.

* for my job, that never fails to surprise me with reasons why I keep doing this daily grind (and keeping a steady heart when I feel like throwing the towel in). I am mostly thankful for the people I work with. I am lucky to belong in a group where there is harmony and genuine caring. 

* for my family who has always been my number one support core. For always loving me and little girl, wholeheartedly and unconditionally. For celebrating our milestones and filling our transitions with so much love and happiness. I am thankful for this family who has held it together -- after all the storms and the hurdles, we have been blessed to find ourselves loving each other stronger than before.

* for my friends who have taken time to make me feel wonderful and loved, not just in this special occasion but for all the other days in between

* for M, who is the biggest surprise in my life. I am grateful to find our paths crossing at the least expected moment, and for making me feel this loved and special. I am thankful for the everyday I spend with him, for the many stories we tell, for the laughter that we share and for the fact that I find myself being this happy. 

I am thankful for God has provided me with a well-lived 20s, and has ushered in a new decade in such style and love! I am thankful for the so many answered prayers, for the little things that make us happy, and for the everyday that we get to live and find ourselves being able to love again, for hoping and having this unwavering faith that yes, life can indeed be beautiful.

Today, little girl is celebrating her 6th birthday, and the celebrations continue and will continue well into the coming weeks.

Thank you Lord, and dear friends for this wonderful chance of being able to do things in Your Grace.

Free Falling

I like someone.

And he likes me back.

Although it may not be IT, but it is something.

And for the first time, in such a crazy long time, I actually feel......

* that I am capable of loving another person other than my little girl.

And my immediate family.

And my closest friends.

* that the world is actually really colorful (LOL) and not just black and white

* that I am capable of truly discarding every ounce of bitterness left inside

* that there is a possibility of me actually free falling in love with someone... well, concrete.

So, most days recently, I find myself.......

*grinning

*being thankful for the days in between

*happy, loved, better

But in nights like tonight, I also find myself thinking about many things at once.

Taking in the reigns of caution and throwing most stars in the eyes to the wind.

Maybe, I am trying to rationalize so many feelings at once. Or maybe just putting a logical chain to my otherwise illogical heart.

And I get to think of my fears and apprehensions;

of my expectations and/or his.

of the options and considerations;

Maybe just something to burst this bubble and maybe, curb the emotions a bit.

But you know, I am not rushing.

We aren't rushing.

So there is no need to qualify things right away.

I have been alone for six years, four months and two days to waste all those days of contemplation with just another mistake.

But mistake or not, 

I will no longer deprive myself of feeling this happy.

And I will not stop myself from falling for someone who MAYBE can actually truly love me (like this) 

and who MAYBE i can actually truly love (like that)

So, I promise, to take it one day at a time.

One conversation at a time.

One happy moment at a time.

And allow myself to, not free fall, but maybe, if I am lucky, to fall in love. 

with someone who is truly a mountain at my back.

Thank you, God, for second chances in life.

Moms Vote

Being a mother is a choice we can make in a lifetime.

Some of us become birth mothers by circumstance, as I have become; some of us are thrust into the responsibility of motherhood without so much a thought or a warning.

But most women rise to meet the challenge of this world called Motherhood.

And as we stand up to the challenge, we become Mothers, in the true essence of the word; because, we become Mothers only by conscious choice.

In that moment of decision, we take that commitment to put our child before ourselves;

We actively make a choice to become not just birth mothers, but also nurturers and protectors for a lifetime.

Mothers are complicated creatures;

We are made of steel but with arms soft enough to give warm hugs. We are often the small constant voice in a household; but most likely the only word being listened to.  We are strict but fair; the sometimes annoying but mostly well-loved;

As mothers, we take in all the work that we can, burning the midnight candle to earn a living, and to provide for the basic needs of a child; Yet we also create time for bedtime stories and homework; 

We wake up early to put quick breakfast on mornings yet linger to talk about the day ahead ; we save for the rainy days so we can watch our kids sleep soundly at night, yet we can spare a peso for that extra scoop of gelato;

We make decisions in a blink of an eye, but out from a well-thought out plan. We think with a million reasons, yet we listen closely to what our hearts say. 

We keep order in the house, but find days of chaos-- of unkempt rooms with toys and books scattered, allowable.

Mothers are made of opposite poles, amazingly merged into compromise and understanding. We are complicated, but really, just quite simple.

Mothers are thinkers, more than emotional; we are foremost, creatures of reason. We think more than we feel; but we are not unfeeling. 

We fight for what is right and what is due, but we are often drawn to peace and harmony.

This weekend, the whole nation is in a pandemonium over the May 2013 elections. 

And as the cosmos would have it, it falls just a day short of Mothers’ Day.

So this year, as a mother, I will celebrate Mothers’ Day by casting my vote and choosing a leader who can be the voice of mothers: of women, and of children. 

As we enter the voting precincts and choose our leaders, remember to be a Mother.

Remember to choose a leader:

·         who will protect our children; to keep them from harm, abuse and exploitation; 

·         who will be able to fight for better health care: accessible and available to all;

·         who believes that women have the right for the basic reproductive and maternal health care;

·          who will fight for the rights of us women against discrimination and violence;

·         who will fight for our children to have the basic education;  to be able to learn and understand; to be able to reason and become our future learned leaders;

·         who will put our country, our interest and our children’s interest first;

·         who will understand and truly represent the voice of this marginalized sector.

This Monday, let us be the Mothers of our country.

Let’s choose wisely so our children can keep the freedom that we enjoy today.

Don’t sell your vote.

Make a conscious choice.

FREEDOM.

Wasting Time on Family

Unproductive.

I brought home a mountain of work the other night, hoping to cut some of my backlog by half. And as I sit here watching the sun set on this humid afternoon, the mountain pile of work remained untouched.

Un-turned.
Ignored.

And you know what, I think I'm just screwed.

But I'm still here, writing these words away; Staring at my manifesto; trying to write more chapters of the story that seems to be more difficult to pen each day;

And thinking: I loved how I spent today.

I loved that I was able to clear the clutter in Coco's workplace, wrote letters, drew pictures and painted flowers and skies with the little girl, played with her dolls and managed to whip some afternoon treats for her too.

Tonight, we promised to read the new book we bought and I will find the time to listen to her opinion about so many, so so many random things.

Now as I wait for the little girl to get her bath stuff together, I manage to squeeze in a few words here-- and a few more into the project I am still trying to finish. And I wonder if we get weekends in between work days-- one day reprieves like today, would banking days become more bearable?

I guess so. I believe so.

And I hope that we get to have weekends in between work days every now and then. Maybe squeeze all the work in four days-- and get three day weekends all the time, every week. I think of the so many things that I need to do, to accomplish, or words to write or read and I keep on wondering how my days would accommodate all and everything.

And I keep thinking that Little girl is growing up so fast, and I get scared that I will miss these kind of days. Maybe miss moments when she would do something incredible for the first time.

Sometimes I wake up to just watch her sleep. Or I just watch her in the middle of our conversations or painting sessions and I sit in amazement how time truly flies.

Tomorrow, when I wake up, she may already be off to university. with me just lounging in my beach chair, watching the sun set in a quiet, lazy beach town somewhere far.

So I tell her every moment that I can that I love her, and tell her of our dreams; listen to her I love you Mom's and her dreams and we hug each other just because we feel every moment together is just simply special. Because maybe one day, we'd both be too busy already that we might let one day go without a hello.

Can it be? I shudder just thinking of the possibility.

Whilst cleaning her work area this morning, I found her drawing in her Critical Thinking Workbook. And I found a picture of the both of us-- stick figures with long hairs and huge grins and words scribbled beside, describing the characteristics of the members of the family.

She wrote there, at the bottom, her name and an explanation that this is her family (Mommy and Me) and the one thing she described us was: Happy.

And you know what?

I feel like I've done the right thing, wasting so much time lazing with this little girl-- creating moments that she lovingly calls "our time".

And I feel like my unfounded fears of before, that this little one will find our "family" lacking, are now eons away.

I've never been so glad that I'm wrong.

Thank you, Heaven.

JOHARI and the things people think they know better

The beauty of living in transparency is that you leave no skeletons in your closet.

I have always been a public person. In as much as I wanted a share of exclusivity and privacy, belonging to an extended family leaves little room for such.

When my mother passed on, we moved to my grandmother's house where some of my dad's siblings (and their respective families) also lived. It was a big house, so it seems everyone created their own space to create some sense of independence. 

In the course of the many years after, we moved from this house and on to universities and eventually settled into the world of adulthood. My sister flew somewhere far to work and build a life of her own, and I guess have literally flung herself worlds away from where I am.

I, on the other hand, returned to the big house but fortunately, have also flung myself worlds away from the world I used to live in. 

I grew up. I matured. I saw things differently.

I feel like now, I am the person who went out of the cave and returned, and saw things in a different way.

Because I grew up living in a world where everybody (who thinks they're somebody) has a say in the way I dress, act, think or even speak and everyone seems to have an opinion of sorts, I don't mind hearing a variety of opinion.

So the other side of living in transparency is allowing people to label you with so many things -- palatable or otherwise.

I used to think that what people say about me are reflections of who I am-- the part in the JOHARI window which others can see, with which I cannot.

I used to think that some of these things they hurl at me are reflections of what I am as a person-- the part where I REFUSE to think I am not.

I used to think that I am the cause of their actions towards me; that I am the reason for all the crap they say. That maybe, after listening to years of their bad opinion, I felt like I have become the very bad opinion they say.

But over the years, I learned to choose my battles. I looked at the things they have to say about me, sift through the load of crap and end up with a realization that what ever comes out from their mouths, are not reflections of me. BUT reflections of who THEY ARE.

I am NOT the cause of the horrible things coming out of their mouths; they are THEIR words. They are THEIR actions. NOT MINE. so these things are the very core of their souls.

What the JOHARI window forgets to spell out to these kinda folks, is that whatever that comes out of their mouths, are the very parts of their being that THEY refuse to acknowledge.

I am not perfect, I don't claim to be. Though I try hard to be better. I try to do things the right way. I try to raise my daughter without the negativity.

I try to live my days without the heavy baggage of issues and to live each day with and for my daughter.

I used to think that because I have the right to opine, I have the right to say ANYTHING-- hurtful or otherwise. However, over the years, I learned that it isn't necessary to say hurtful things, despite the anger we feel. or the frustration. or in their case, the bitterness.

That it is always better to be the one who has nice things to say, even if others haven't.

It's always better to be on the better side of reasoning. Always better to be kind, even if others are not.

But sometimes, you just feel like, 'hey, I've had enough of your crap!'

So my dear tita X,

I don't know why you have so many bad things to say about me. But I sincerely hope you have a happy life. And that you're happy with what you're doing. Good Luck. 

With Love-- Your most hated niece,

Jell

And with that, I resolve to never shed a single tear more for these folks who refuse to be any better. Because, frankly, I am a whole lot better than they are.

And even if I have a million more crap to say about them, I won't. Because I don't even want to give them the benefit of a time wasted.

On Bended Knees

I have been away for some time -- traded my writing with stressful customer service communications.
Traded my me time with work; my tired days with the same sleepless nights.

But today, I am back again.

To continue where I have left off.
To push through the difficult days.
To come back to my first love of writing.

I stared at my notepad for a really long time, feeling as if I have lost the ability to catch words and form them into thoughts. Or thoughts and form them into ideas.

I have seemingly felt myself grasping in thin air, asking myself if I still have things to write about.
If I have moments maybe worth talking to myself with.

I start with reflections.
And then unfinished projects and correspondence.

And as I slowly typed my way to the end of the project I have been shelving for quite some time now, I realized that I am happiest when I am in the company of my thoughts.

(Apart from being with my daughter, of course)

And in the company of these beautiful words.

In this quiet moment with my self, I empty my mind with the worries that inhabit my life for days no end.
I empty my heart with the questions I never run out asking. I sit here with a quiet resolve -- to just write and feel the words in my finger tips.

And watch them become the thoughts I fear to think about. Or ideas I refuse to look squarely in the eye.

The four-day holiday is ending today. The Holy Week was spent in our town's church -- me and little one in prayer or in part of the local church activities.

I have never really been keen in attending these religious programs-- partly because I never believed in dogma. But as a Catholic, I have always been prayerful. And I believe in the power of my faith.

So this year, I wholeheartedly set aside my personal criticisms of age old tradition and focused on my quiet relationship with my God, my redeemer and my friend. I brought my little girl along, not to force her into the local folk's tradition, but also to experience the beauty there is in believing in Christ and the Mother.

For four days, we attended mass and said our prayers.
We fasted and participated in the events organized by the church.

And I did so with all the willingness I have, and am glad to find little girl happy with her budding relationship with God and the Mother, and her deeper sense of faith.

Today, I rest my worries with Christ.
And I rest my questions in His Hands.

I will quiet this noise in my head, because there are things in this life that are beyond my understanding.
And are beyond my control.

I should just sit back and watch the wonders unfold.

A few more months before i hit my 3.0. mark-- but I will be at peace with where I am.

Jumbled

Few things happened last Friday:

1. I got my targets for this year. I haven't seen the official numbers yet but I accept that the figures are exactly as they are, without changes.

2. I saw/crossed paths with my daughter's s donor (though he denies this vehemently) for the first time in almost six years.

3. I went on a pseudo-date.

4. I've gotten beautiful news that keep us hoping that things will eventually fall into place.

For most of the items above, my initial reaction was disbelief. Because frankly, I have no idea where the hell I'd get even half of those accounts to meet the targets and to see donor up close is quite unexpected.

So, as it seems to naturally happen, I have been in a daze the past days. The gloomy weather matches my apprehension for the year's goals and my need to laze in bed for some time.

But as the days rolled out, I get to stop and think and think some more.

The more I think about these things, the more I seem to understand how things happen at the right exact moments (not a day earlier or a day later), or why they happened (insert ten thousand reasons here); and then, finally, i get to reiterate to myself that all these worries about a number of things would always come to sort themselves out in a matter of time.

So last night, after a really long day and a glass of red wine, I slept a good slumber. And threw my worries in the air. I reminded myself that Tomorrow will be a better day, and tomorrow, I shall know what to do.

And true enough, I woke up (not with solutions or answers but) with a new resolve:

* to visit my developers more often (than the time I spent last year)

* accredit more projects

* forget the idea that donor will Man Up and at least look at me (I believe he should have at least looked at me see for himself -- I don't know what, but I feeeel that he should have met me in the eye)

* laugh at the memory of it 

* should not over analyze things (and emotions) emanating from a pseudo date, because(afterall)  it IS just a kind of date and liking someone is an entirely different planet from dating someone or going out for dinner..

Today, I put those resolutions into action.

I visited most of my developers; requested their support and listened to what they need from me and find some ways for me to fine tune the kind of process that I already have to maximize efficiency (LOL, seriously!). 

I understood that the crossing paths won't be the last and that it's usually only the first encounter that may seem to feel weird. So, I told myself to get over it.

I know that whatever comes from these going out/hanging out/whatever, I wouldn't try to figure. I have ten million issues that I need to resolve with myself first anyway. I need to come to terms with so many things, including but not limited to: commitment, loyalty or even understanding.

All I know, that with all of the above, as my good friends tell me, I should NEVER just settle. I should do the best and have the best.

So tonight, I will amend my power word and integrate BEST in the simplicity mantra I have been repeating to myself since day one.

Now, it the power word/s is BEST SIMPLICITY or SIMPLY (the) BEST. lol sounds like an outdated commercial ad!

Today though, despite the fever and crazy work appointments, I had lunch with RVN.



Happy thoughts.

Raindrops

It's been raining almost every day and every night for the past week, and as much as I love hearing the raindrops before I lose myself in my dreams, I kind of wished for a warmer sleep tonight.

Because I miss sitting out just to watch the stars, to feel the cool evening breeze against my skin and to whisper wishes to the night sky.;
Because I miss wearing shorts to sleep (LOL - been stuck wearing pajamas and doubled pairs of socks because little one loves to still put the AC on High);
Because I miss the silence of a sleepy town, as it collects itself from a pseudo-busy and uneventful day;

Or maybe, because of the incessant rains lately, I have more melancholic thoughts occupying my mind.

Despite these sad-like thoughts, I have always loved the rain.
Even if it gets my toes wet; and makes my knee hurt.

Rain has always struck me as romantic, (or tragic, thus romantic)--
It reminds me of walks under the rain with H, the one who got away; (and the fact that until now, I never found myself walking under the rain, with any other man)

It reminds me of that one rainy night, I decided not to show up at the coffee shop because I was too scared.

(scared of so many things and of the so many questions)

as comforting--

It reminds me of the days spent in hair salons and coffee shops with girl friends;
It reminds me philosophical conversations with strangers, over warm mugs of coffee;
It reminds me of my warm bed and the warm hugs I get from my little munchkin;

as enlightening--
It reminds me of the rainy afternoon when I understood that things have their own way of happening, besides my own planned version; And that the universe's version of things falling into place is better than my so-called master plan.

And finally, rain has always struck me as a sign of all things promising--
It reminds me of this one night recently, when I, amazingly, surprisingly, realized that I may have come to like someone. Period, without a but, or maybe or if. Just that.

And I don't really care if he likes me back. or if there is something to look forward to. or all of the other things that can complicate the right now.

It's like standing in the rain, just feeling the drops on you. And you just stand there, for the moment. Not thinking about yesterday. or the things you need to do or forgot to do. or about tomorrow.

And just thinking about that, tonight's rain make me smile.

I hope you're having a warm, rainy night tonight :)

Nightmares

Woke up from a nightmare. And as I couldn't get back to sleep anymore, I tried surfing and writing a bit of material. I ended up here (trying to write something). -- with a few words and a million thoughts swimming.

When it's raining outside, and the morning is too cold to allow us to move early, I always end up settled in this old couch with a mug of hot chocolate I hastily made for warmth and comfort. As I sit here, read some emails and wondered about a number of things, I see the framed photographs of little girl from day 1 to today, and the gloomy mood seems to have easily lifted.

My little girl, in all her laughter and coziness, is my constant source of happiness. 

She is, after all, the unconditional love that I have been gifted.

The world is such a lonely place without people to love and care for; and it's a much lonelier place without people loving you back.

And perhaps, I am lucky enough to be not in that kind of nightmare.

Better thoughts to squelch the depressing thoughts from the depressing dream.

I hope you're having a better Thursday :)

Of Chaos and Simplicity

Over a slice of cold pie and a freshly brewed coffee, I listened to my best friend lament about her "past quarter life crisis".

She has these all sorts of fears dangling from every corner of her world and she has enumerated ten thousand different things, and I heard only a few dressed in my own opinion:

Afraid to stop;

Afraid to be normal and boring;

Afraid to be make mistakes and not be able to UNDO things;

Afraid to stay at one place;

Afraid to like the stuff that I do (the normal and the boring);

Afraid to have so many things the world is offering;

Which can be translated into and deduced into the following:

A. Afraid to understand that she deserves all these great shit that go into the package of entering the third decade.

B. Normal, Boring and Monotonous are the evil synonyms of simplicity, purity, and tranquility.

C. When all the noise has died down, the greatest argument that we need to settle score with is the silence of our hearts and the silence of our dreams.

I can't help but smile as I listen to her. Yes, her fears are real. They shake her to the core too. But I feel that whatever fears that have her chained into this 29th year and 11th hour of her crossroads, she has already managed to chain, spar with and won over.

She knows, deep in her heart, that despite the conventional set-up of things, hers would always have a mark of the free-spirited, the passionate and the insight of the learned. And that (surprise, surprise!!) it is possible to merge the kind of world that I see with the kind of world that she envisions.

Sometimes, it's not really about choosing one from the other; or choosing to be bound or to be free. Because, as I have learned from my endless search for things beyond what IS, things can live in harmony despite the polarity of points.

And things have their way of finding their equilibrium in spite of the chaos of all that there is.

I never really put a lot of thought into this year when we turn into 30th avenue of existence. Although, I admit that I also kinda felt the pressure there.

But contrary to all the plans and the kind of life she pictured, I figured, I still want mine to be boring, monotonous and normal. (Really!)

Seriously.

I feel that I have had so much drama during the first quarter of my life. I think a little boredom (no, a little more of the boredom that I have now) will tame the wild wind and the endless noise in me. And I also feel that with the kind of predictability, I am saving myself from a number pains, tears and a whole crap-load of drama.

So I told her that the next 30 years of my existence will be built around a few tenets in life. And to start it off, this year has claimed one power word:

Simplicity.

In everything that I would do, I would plan and strive for, I will only reap the simplicity of everything. I will take all the add-ons and exchange them for the purity of the days, the ideas, the emotions.

For the past five years, my daily mantra is Let Go.

Let go of all the fears.

let go of all the pain.

the doubts.

the plans.

the worries.

And instead, let things flow. (And Let God.)

And so after my Let Go for the number of X years, this year will start off with Simplicity.

As such, I have redefined most of my aspirations to be as above.

Simple, without all the complications my mind and my heart would always come up with.

What's your year's power word?

KEEP CALM AND MEDITATE- Coco Style :) .

2012 and the end of the world

2013 is going to be an awesome year.

Not because we won't have challenges along the way, they are to be expected, but because we claim it to be a year of strength, perseverance, faith, hope, blessings and breaking free.

So, at the onset of this new and eventful year, me and little one will spend the last day of 2012 preparing for new beginnings.

This year has been a fairly good one. My little family has had a good share of troubles, tears and worries and a number of unexpected turn of events and challenges in our path to a better life. But in God's Grace, we ended the year with a little triumph in our hearts, big smiles plastered on our faces and stronger hope that we will have an even better year next year.

From these trying moments, I have learned so much and discovered so many things.
Among the important ones, I know that we should always:

* Keep the faith. With hope burning, we allow ourselves to witness miracles.
* Keep calm and stay in the presence of a Higher Being and in Him rest our doubts and worries. This will allow this inexplicable sense of serenity to take over.
* Remember that we have everything we need to become better persons.
* Never forget to tap our inner selves;
* And spend a few minutes of contemplation each day- find the fate that was carved out for us and achieve what we are born to achieve.
* Value family even more. Because at the end of the day, the home we come home to is just an empty shell without the love and laughter we share with closest to the heart.
* Appreciate true friends - who never leave your side even if you clam up and see or feel nothing.
*Sift through the important and non-important; valuable and invaluable; and de-clutter your days with unnecessary emotions.
* Identify 'gangrined' people and choose to cut off relationships that do not serve the purpose well. There will always be those claiming to be friends but stand by your side with envy and a quiet wish for your to fail.
Such is a reality difficult to understand, but nonetheless true. We don't need these so-called friends.
* Feel the generosity of kindred spirits. And feel the appreciation of people we have helped one way or another from the days, months or years passed. Just as we try our best to appreciate people who stayed with us through trials and triumphs.
* Remember to open our windows each morning to let the sunshine and the cool morning breeze in. This will allow all negative emotions from yesterday to flow out and allow the new rays of light to flow in.
* Never forget our manners, in every thing we do. Say Thank you, I'm sorry, Please because these magic words go a long way.

* Always choose to do what is right -- even if there is an option to do otherwise.

Most importantly, we should always:

* Bask in gratitude. Always give thanks for the days that seem to be difficult, because we know we still have strength to fight; for the mornings that wake us up each day, because we know that we still have hope to have better days; for random moments of simple happiness, because we know, by heart, that we are happiest with the simplest things in life.


This year, I have found what I have struggled finding for more than two decades of existence.

I found myself, and the courage and confidence to affirm the purpose of my existence.

Indeed, 2012 is my year of transformation.

An epic year where I shed off old skin, old pains and faced the difficulty of evolution.
And from this difficult moments, I emerged to be the better Me, on the way finding the best part of my being.

It was, aptly put, an end of a world I once knew and an end to the self that I have always maintained to know.

The changes manifest.
And if you are close to me, you will also see and feel the difference of this person standing in front of you from the one that you have known from years before.

As I end this year, I can tell with greatest surety, that I am already a different being. Not just because I can feel it, but also because I know it now.

And I am happy.
Happy with this realization,
for the start of new adventures,
for the new perspective in life.

Happy that as I enter 2013 and (my 30th birth year), I know, with utmost confidence that this year is going to be an event of epic proportions.

Tomorrow, on the first sunrise of 2013, let us write our hopes and plans and allow them to fly to the heavens.

Claim it. For our hopes and dreams are always ours.
As someone wise once told me, our year is what we make of it.

Happy New Year, folks! :)

In all Things, Let us give thanks.

I am thankful for the food that we have on our table, for the dresses that make us glow, for the warmth of a home.

I am thankful for the gift of family, for the unconditional love we give and receive, for the quiet moments we spend together.

I am thankful for friends who make our days count, for filling our days with laughter and cheer.

I am thankful for my work that gives me the chance to become who I want to be, for the sense of fulfillment and for the challenges that harness skills and talent that our Creator has given me.

I am thankful for the simple messages received, that make me smile and ponder on things that matter most in life.

I am thankful for Christmas carols and the joy the songs bring our little home.

I am thankful for rest that allows my tired bones and weary soul seek respite.

I am thankful for my sister, who never fails to amaze me.- whose strength is far more than mine.

I am thankful for the days that seem to be difficult, for it is when we feel our faith the strongest.

I am thankful for better days, because it is the rainbow after the rain. the light of our darkness. the hope that Christmas is all about.

I am thankful for my daughter, who has filled my days with love and happiness. For the times we spend together. For the thoughts and jokes and lessons that we share. For allowing me to become a mother, and to continually grow to be a better person.

I am thankful for the gift of motherhood -- because it is when I have become a mother myself that I am able to appreciate my Womanity and the very essence of selflessness.

I am thankful for forgiveness, because of which, I am free.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

We wish you love, peace and prosperity this beautiful and happy holiday season.

We are blessed with more things we can count and much happiness we can ever keep. May the spirit of Christmas fill our lives and all our days hope and gratitude for all blessings received.

Cheers to a bountiful year ahead!

Aging

5 sure signs of aging:

1. Craving turon, bibingka or halo-halo for merienda. I used to look for sweets or junk food during coffee breaks, but lately the taste has evolved into something closer to my age bracket. It makes me feel that I have aged, because these choices seem to coincide with my mom's. And she admits to being old.

2. Enjoying household chores. Did I really hate it, hate it with a passion? Sure, I can arrange stuff, fix the bed, and the usual but I would have always preferred reading a book or going out with lil gurl than doing the cooking or the dishes. But lately, since I lost the nanny to some flimsy excuse, I realized I can actually break a back working chores. And surprise, surprise, I find that it isn't so bad. I now find myself cooking real breakfast, washing the dishes, mopping the floor, etc. etc.. And lil gurl exclaims "Mama na gyud ka, Ma." LOL (fake pala ako dati?!)

3. Hoarding plastic bags and plastic containers. LOL We used to joke about my grandma keeping a whole drawer of plastic bags and plastic containers, saying she's keeping junk in her closet. But now that I have reached a certain age, I find that I do the same- and keep one in my tote too (OMG) ! Why? Because you'll never know when you're going to need a good plastic bag for random moments (for puking, for extra goods that won't fit your market basket, for soiled slippers, for wet clothes, etc).

4. Your Christmas Wishlist looks like everything can be bought from Handyman or Our Home. I started drawing my wishlist two months ago and in lieu of the perfume and new dresses, the first things that came into my mind were a new fridge, new sheets, sweets tray, new set of beautiful dishes, a tool kit, new bathroom rack, and OMG, a new griller.

5. You'd rather celebrate beautiful moments with a few good friends and loved ones than being in a crowd. Maybe it's just me, but I find that conversations are far better when shared by a couple of time-tested friendship and relationships over a quiet cup of coffee. Wow, i've let go of my hed khandi days like it was just yesterday. lolz

**

My friend K tells me that we aren't so old, and in fact, she's not giving up her youth that easily.
So, by being the way that I am now and having new choices, am I giving up my youth already?
Sounds a bit scary, the way I see it.

But you know, I have always felt like an old soul anyway so I have no problem embracing the "oldness" that I feel. Because recently, this new kind of "aged" feeling makes me feel more at ease with myself - at peace with my decisions, enjoying the pace of my life and looking forward to a number of laid-back adventures with the little girl and closest friends.

I tell K that she's my dose of youth, so when we are together, despite the "oldness" that I feel, I will be reminded how young we truly are. :)

And Of course, lil girl will always remind me that I am not so much older than she actually really is.
Even though she's also this old soul trapped in a five-year old kid's body.

Do you feel this kind of old too?

Insanity

Wow, this whole writing an ebook thing is more difficult than I thought.

I've been stuck on a page for days. Adding stories, deleting lines. Re-writing everything and ending with a blank page with the cursor blinking back at me.

I thought, if it was my story to be told, how can it be so difficult to write?

But you know, even if the memories are etched and carved into your soul, the words don't just come tumbling out.

Like a blotted ink from a really old pen, the memories seem like REALLY old fiction residing in my head. And I have trouble in picking one, and make an apple pie out of it.

I can swim through them, paddle my way across certain scenes and end up on the shore-- empty handed.

Where have the words gone?

Little one was busy playing with the building blocks and gave me this half hour respite. It was almost bath time, so I went to prepare our bath stuff and her pajamas. I ran the water slow and waited for her to finish and for me to finally begin mommy duty.

So, I lit about twenty candles in my bathroom. And I sat there for a good half hour, I watched the lights flicker and listened to Adele. I sat on the toilet seat, with my creased journal and really old pen, I tried to get that much needed Me Time and maybe some lines to add to the story I am trying to recreate.

I sat there for a really long time, and I found myself just thinking.

That moment, I wondered what it's like to have a husband. I wondered how it is to have someone with me in all of this.

Usually, before I allowed myself to cross into that thin ice of a thought, I shake my head and ask if I even need one. Thereby, stopping whatever thoughts that will come dancing through.

Today though, it was different.

After the wondering, I actually wished for someone who I can actually love.
And take care of. (Shit, really!)

Insanity.

My daughter seemed to have sensed it, and stood in the bathroom door with a smirk on her face.
She was covered with chocolate, and her building blocks are swimming in a bucket of home made cocoa.

LOLZ.

She is a bundle that needs a lot of TLC.

I smiled and told her the bath is ready- just in time to get that chocolate covered face look bright and decent again.

So much for husband thoughts.

Name Calling and Maturity

Over dinner tonight, little girl told me that we should just be eating bread for breakfast or for dinner.

Why? I asked.

"So we would lose weight."

I told her, I may have to lose more weight but I don't really fancy giving up great meals.
Besides, I didn't think she needed to have "weight issues" at this age. So I dismissed the suggestion, but I probed a little deeper.
I asked her what made her think about going on a diet.

She spilled:

On her way home this afternoon, a classmate kept calling her "Tambokikay!" (fat-so) over and over.
And though she bit back with a stingy "Stop It!" The other girl didn't seem to care and continued with the name-calling.

I asked her, "So what did you do?"

She replied: "Nothing. I asked myself if I am fat. My mind whispered I am not. Do you think I'm fat Ma?"

I told her she isn't fat. She already lost that round tummy right? The last thing we need right now is planting seeds of insecurity.
Besides, even if she were fat, no one in the right mind should be telling her that and worse, do the name calling!!

All the while she was explaining and relaying the events, my mind was racing. I mean, hell, who the F this classmate think she is, right? I mean seriously?! I'd pound this creature this moment!! But I continued to listen to her story, pretending it's just all everyday stuff to me. (And that I'm not reaaaalyyyyyy affected)

I asked her to tell me everything.

So, I also learned that her nanny, thankfully, did not intervene. (I believe that my daughter needs to address this kind of bullying herself.) The nanny just told my daughter to not mind the other girl and not to dawdle so they can just go home right away.

Apparently, my daughter who was very bothered and also very mad at the idea that she's being called fat, went home with a lot of steam.

She told me she kicked "some" little rocks in the garage, even if she was still in her school uniform. She would have wanted to throw fits right then, I knew. After all, she IS my daughter, I would have done the same. LOLZ

She also told me that she told the Manangs when she got home, and they told her to talk back at the classmate, call her names too: Pangit (Ugly), Payatot (Reed thin) and Way Batasan (No Manners).

And that this made her laugh. She can't believe she's being given the permission to say mean things! Haha

She also told me that she shouted back that she'll tell her mommy if the other girl won't stop the "tambokikay".

I grinned at the thought of being her superhero.

So I said: What do we do with this classmate of yours?

And because we are both born with mean bones, we seem to have a lot of mean things running in our minds at that exact moment.

So we looked at each other, said nothing and laughed like what the hell is so funny.

I wanted to tell her to say those things too!
I wanted her to yell back all the crap she thinks that little bully is.
I wanted her to kick the classmate in the face!
I wanted her to put that girl in her place - i mean, no ONE bullies us. ever!!

But you know, this five year-old daughter of mine, after she was done with her complaints, and whining and venting, she said this with finality in her voice:

"I don't know why she said those mean things, Ma. I mean, she's my friend. I even helped her with the clay project earlier. I let her borrow my stuff too. But I guess, she's just being mean and bad and hurtful. I just don't understand why."

Oh little one...., I hugged her. This is one of the many, many questions you will ask yourself as you grow older.

I told her: Some people are just mean and they say bad things at you, or about you. But always remember to never say the same about them. No matter how badly people act, remember that your mom taught you that and that you were raised right. And that you are a good person who never says bad things about anyone.

HA! I rolled my eyes as I listened to my piece of advice. I mean, really, I wanted to tell her: Punch her in the face!!

Yet, I said that because I truly believe my little girl can grow up to be kind and honest, and better than I was. She will not bully another human being in this planet! So even if I wanted her to bully the other girl back, my 'mature mommy side' won.

My little girl won't fight meanness by meanness. Because I tell myself, she's better than that!

I asked her what she's going to do tomorrow, if the other girl does the same thing again.

She said: "I'll tell her to stop calling me that. Because it's not nice and it's disrespectful. And because it makes me 'feel' Mad."

I swear, I could have stood and shouted bravo that very instant!

She's better at this diplomacy and respect BS I bookish-ly try to teach her, than I am. Hahaha Buti nalang.

I persisted and asked her: And if she still won't stop?

My little girl replied: "Then I will make her worry about things that concern her other than my being tambok. After all, she is just Medyo Gwapa, you know (Just slightly pretty) and tiny. Maybe she should worry about that more, Ma."

With this, I smiled my smile of victory. Way to go, little girl!
Always start with diplomacy. But if all else fails, give them crap they would never forget!!

If It Makes You Happy

I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

***
If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

***

We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?

***

You gotta love Sheryl Crow - it's a lovely Wednesday morning. Was able to write 1,000 words last night, before hitting the sack. Woke up to the alarm and was able to write 500 more. Amazing! Few more pages, (okay a lot more) I just might beat the deadline.

I've had three weeks of being stuck in the beginning. About a chapter worth of first few pages and introductions, and deleting. and starting over again.

Brick wall. Eyebags. Almost panic.

Finally, last night, I got the introduction I want.

It's almost perfect. well, it's acceptable to get the ball rolling.

I'm not letting this momentum go. So far, it's been the most honest and most raw writing i've ever done. And it's out for real writing too.

So John, I'll be able to submit on time :) Soon.

Say, what?

The best time to receive roses is at the moment when you least expect it. 

Dear (name),

Thank you.

Just when I thought I can't feel this feeling anymore, you always manage to make me smile.

You are, in a way, my miracle.

94.

94 Years. 

Can you imagine what 94 years could bring to your life?

Must be awesome to reach this stage and be surrounded by children, grandchildren and great grand children.

And to be able to laugh.

Love.

Cry tears of joy.

To be able to live to almost a hundred years of a life well-lived.

Makes you think of classic books like One Hundred Years of Solitude.

Or maybe curl up with the classic Love in the Time of Cholera.

If you sit with Lola and listen to her stories, 

We will know that life has never been easy for her as it will never be for any one of us.

But the life with all its trials and triumphs make the 94 years worth re-living.

She is 94 today.

She has had 94 years of Ups and Downs.

And she plans to live on to a hundred and more.

We hope to share more years with her.

And make each day count.

For the dreams.

For the past that we lived through.

For the present that never fails to inspire us all.

Cheers!

We love you Lola Donya.

I hope one day, when I am old and grey, I would also get to tell a million amazing stories to my daughter (s)(and sons), grand children and great grand children!

I hope one day soon, I'll be able to find my own Florentino too.

My Breaking Dawn

Yesterday, I had the chance to stand in court and testify to the nullity of the marriage that barely existed.
My legs were literally shaking when I was called to the stand.

It didn't help that the room was full of people I don't recognize, because these people are about to hear one of the most private moments in my life.

It didn't help  that I was the only woman (apart from this one lady lawyer) not wearing slacks, because it made me feel like either the dress made me look like a stuck up or a snob. or simply out of place.

It didn't help that no matter how I kept my head down, there is always this one person who would look at me and make me feel like they know.

It didn't help that I had to say my name- and explain my relation to the person who performed the marriage civil rights. It made all things complicated.

But shaky legs, shaky hands and heartbeat pounding in my ears, I swore to tell the truth. And nothing but.

So I did.

(No matter how embarrassing it was.)

It was a good hour of non-stop questions, from the most obvious to the confusing.
Some questions made my hands shake like a leaf, some just drew blank stares from me.
Other questions made me relive the past, the others made me smirk (ok, maybe laugh a bit inside).

The drill went from:

Lawyer: In the Marriage Contract presented to this court, do you recognize the name (*****)?
Me: Yes.
Lawyer: What is your relationship with (name)?
Me: Silence. (I'm thinking, what IS my relationship with this man? I barely know him!)
Lawyer repeats the question.
Me: Husband? (me rolling my eyes in confusion and of course, in my mind only)

And the judge managed to smile. (LOLZ) - maybe inwardly smirk like me too. haha!

To

Lawyer: Is (name) your first boyfriend?
Me: (what's the relevance of this question again?) No.
Lawyer: Compared to your other boyfriends, how was he?
Me: (Seriously?!! How do you want me to answer that? LOL at crazy thoughts) SILENT.
Lawyer raises an eyebrow.
Me: He's okay. (SAFE!)
Lawyer: Okay what?
Me: (WTF.) Okay, in the sense that we didn't quarrel much. (Really. lolz)

To the clincher:

After asking the counsels to sit, the judge turns to me and motioned for me to stay put on the stand.
Judge: So, the reason for your separation is (*****)
Me: Yes. (And so many other things omitted)
Judge: Did you love him?
Me: (Wow, I haven't paused about this for a really long time already) Yes, I did.

Judge: Do you still love him now?
Me: (Without a doubt, or maybe for just a nano second there, I asked myself how I really feel now and then finally blurted a phrase I've always wanted to say honestly) Not anymore.

And that, my friends, I believe is my own breaking dawn.

I am no longer trapped in the wheel of my what if's and regrets. Five years worth of tears, now simply broken down and laid out to me in about 8 pages of petition and testimony. And all questions I kept repeating to myself have seemingly been answered by a 5 page report of a medical expert.

The process has not really broken dams of truth or enlightenment, but the whole procedure, the whole testifying and telling my honest side (okay, a part of my side) of the story to a bunch of strangers is, surprisingly liberating.

And as I walked out of that courtroom, I, for the life of me, am finally, truly, really sure of my NOT Anymore.

Thank you, Heaven.