Where the heart is..

I don't trust my heart, it flips and flops and do somersaults in moments we least expect. AND we are always left to wonder WHY or HOW. and just speechless, just staring into space and do or think of nothing.

So, maybe tomorrow, when this has floated away, I would get to gather my thoughts and jar the emotions and store them in a safe place. ack.

Flying back to CD-oh, with a million memories from years back and snapshots along the way, my short Manila trip was packed with a bundle of happYness. A few good laughter, Harry Potter 7 (my first movie in years!), endless chatter and a bag of GOOD news: I felt like things are really falling into the rightful place.

My days were peppered with my snaps, my heart has never really left Los Banos. And has never really left Makati or Alabang too. But has found home in the arms of little one, right here in small town CD-oh.

Thus, I feel how loved I have been. AND Now, I know how loved I am :D

Me and J grabbed some goooood food from our fave place Chimara, munched on tofu chips and cheese popcorn, downed less sugar less everything green tea... then
discovered an english nook in the middle of Alabang, with stacks of great cheese and soy-free concoctions. Spent more time with good friends before heading back to the place I will always also call home.











Coming home to elbi was beyond any words that I could muster. It was surreal too. Too bad I got there at nightfall and raining, I couldn't get great pictures and was tooooo tired and too short of time to fully appreciate coming back.

I was surprised by how SLEX was weirdly un-congested, and even more surprised to see that the tollway took on a modern facade- as if boasting the years I have blatantly ignored coming back the SLEX way.

And I did feel my heart jump when I saw V arcade, with the strange presence of a ministop and a string of ATMs..







But as far as good friends and drinks are concerned, it was still the elbi that I knew. Oh, just a bit crappy that my isismates were nowhere to be found (on such a short notice and tight sched, it was IMpossible to get all of us in the crazy place), I wished I could have frozen time for a moment longer.







AND I went home to my old room, and found my old stuff in the exact places where they were. And unearthed my treasured treasures, and browsed through my heart kept inside a cardboard box.









I know, the whole everything occupies a chunk of my heart. AnD if I could go back to freshman year, I think I'd still pick everything just as I did before. BUT, I have also been thinking, If my friend M is right, if I had chosen differently, things might have been different too. Like, some sort of domino effect.

If you can only teach your heart, then I guess a bucketful of tears could have been avoided. OR well, maybe, added. Really hard to say if one thing would make a difference. or if nothing would ever change.

Sometimes, the choices that we make, in that split instance, the Angels above guide us. Like the soft voice within the never really leaves. or shuts up.

YES. I am happy with the way things turned out. Especially when I found this little girl waiting for me when I came back home:



Who gave me the tightest hug and the most wonderful feeling of being loved and the most beautiful role in the world: being a mommy :D

Remember the old days, looking forward to the future, oh, what a beautiful beautiful feeling indeed. With my lil bear, I think, wow, what beautiful years they have been and what amazing next years to come!!

A very Long post... ;D

If losing someone or something is as easy as having it replaced by another in an exact same packaging, how do you think life is gonna be?

A few days ago, I bought lil one a Kitty Balloon. She carried it with her every where she went, treated it as one of her beloved Barbies, and even named it like Kitty Ming, her pumpkin of a cat. She sure loved that balloon, even if it floated in our bedroom like a ghost at night.

Then one day, she forgot to tie it to her dress. And as she skipped and danced and twirled like a ballerina on stage, Kitty Balloon floated high in the air. And she started to wail. And CRY like a heartbroken child. I haven't seen or heard hear sob like that since she lost Chingching, her puppy. And it broke my heart too.

If I could fly, I would have gotten back Kitty Balloon. If I could ask Inday to climb the tree to reach up to it, I would have hollered too. lolz If I could make one in an instant, I would have made an exact same balloon like a magician reaching for its stash. BUT. of course, it wasn't possible.

After the stories of KBalloon going to heaven and visiting Chingching, the assurances that it's okay, and mommie's promise of a Pony ride, she finally quieted down. But she still bought Kitty Balloon up whenever she could.

Later that night, as Booboo (her grandpa) knocked on our bedroom door, Kitty Balloon slowly crept in to say Hi. AND you should have seen her jump out of bed and into her grandfather's arms. It was a beautiful sight.

AND she told me, she shrieked: Look Ma, Booboo climbed the tree and brought Kitty Balloon back!! And hugged me as she told me that Kitty Balloon brought her puppy back too.

Well, Booboo and the rest of my family has done the exact same thing with me, every time I lost something. a Kitty Balloon or a hankie or an opportunity. Maybe, a time came when they too climbed trees to bring back my floater.

I'm not so sure what kind of realizations I've had over that incident, I just couldn't shake it off my head and so, I figured, I must write it down.

I guess, it wasn't the same exact thing that they brought me back: It was better though. And even if it wasn't all the time that they climbed uphill for me, they pushed me to reach up and find a better Kitty Balloon. And they've always managed to give me a good hug when I surely need one.

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NotYourAverageSingleMama awarded me with:



And as it is my first blog award, I thank her with all my heart! YEY! :D CC, as she is fondly called, is one of my many sources of inspiration and strength. As all single parents have, CC also has her story to share: one of a struggle and her amazing strength sustained her through it all. You can check her out at

http://www.notyouraveragesinglemama.com

And along this award, are seven random facts about yours truly:

1. I love red nails, and even if I shift to pastels sometimes, I always come back to red.
2. I pray every single day and am devoted to the Mother of Perpetual Help.
3. It irritates me when someone interrupts me when I'm in deep thought or writing, only to say the stupidest things ever. AND I respond by not responding.
4. I believe in the power of words, and that it could break or make people, build or destroy relationships and create or erase paths. It's God's gift in a pen.
5. I love eggplant dishes. Eggplant stew, pasta or salad. I don't care! haha
6. When I build my own dream house, the kitchen and the library is gonna be the heart of it all. :)
7. I love my job, and I surely love being a mother to my lil One- that I think, THIS is the best of both worlds.

AND i'm forwarding the award to a few good friends and some bloggers too (7 blog friends, but mine dusnt reach 7!LOLZ) who have inspired me with their stories.

the cool teacher: http://motsmots.blogspot.com/
the coolest boho mom: http://bohemiansinglemom.blogspot.com
the most artistic mother I've seen: http://paintedhouse52.blogspot.com/
the storyteller: http://twitter.com/odchimar

And as to letting them know of their awards, i'm getting there!!

Hooray Wednesday!

Laundry Day on a workday?

I am sooo lazy. I feel too lazy to get up and get ready for work. Some days, I just have that. I feel like I wanted to sleep in, waste my time on the net, read books with little one or do my laundry.

Ha! I'm doing my laundry now. lolz

I figured I can save much if I'd let manang go and do the laundry myself. Additionally, it's gonna be something that's gonna push me to becoming close to being domesticated. Working Domesticated Single Mommie!

AND so, I get to do it on weekends, in between days and nights and end up feeling really tired. And i am about to re-think my decision and maybe throw in the white towel.

BUT not yet. The hurdle is only during the first few weekends right? then it's gonna be smooth sailing laundry. :D

Coffee and a Read

The other night, powerbooks sent me a newsletter of the new books to read for the long holiday break. And from those listed, I've come up with a few of my MUST BUY MUST READ selection:

* Paulo Coelho: The complete collection - it includes all 11 books with my most fave, the Zahir, and Brida right smack in the middle. It doesn't really cost much too :D yey!

* The Boleyn Inheritance (Philippa Gregory) - If you loved the movie The Other Boleyn Girl, you must love this book as well. With the way the synopsis is written, you can already say it's one helluva melodramatic history.

* The Story of Edgar Sawtelle (David Wroblewski) - is a tale about a born mute who has lived within his comfortzone, with loving parents and a loyal friend. When life's tragedies befall, he was forced to flee his home, grow up and returns homeward a changed man: strong and determined. MUST READ!

* One Day at a Time (Danielle Steel) - my choice romance novel, just to complete my picks lolz

I've made some room renovations and have put up a nook for me and Coco to snuggle and read a good book- a window seat with a nice book shelf on the side. Will post pictures soon when I finish painting them!

Do-it-Yourself things, love.

Sleepless in Autumn

I have always been in awe of autumn. Though I live in a place where it's either warm or cold, I have always dreamed of lying on a bed gold and brown leaves. Never mind the itch or the uneasiness of it, the idea of just lying there, without a care in the world, with all the love in the heart is simply heart warming.

There's just something romantic about it.

Earlier tonight, as I tucked little one to bed, the thought suddenly hit me. Like an epiphany of some sort of how things would be. I felt the cool air run through and I shivered involuntarily.

A thing came to my mind:

If I should find the right man, I would wish for someone who loves the last quarter wind and the cool breeze as much as me and lil girl do; for someone who will lovethe beautiful fall, and wouldn't mind as we gather the leaves of time.

It is wonderful. Like, being in a state of transition from the beautiful summer to a wonderful winter. Being suspended and embraced by the mere possibility and quiet predictability of the days to come. Like, just being together underneath a beautiful canopy of life.

One day soon, when little heart has finally recovered, maybe. just maybe.

For now, I don't mind much with just watching the leaves fall from my little white bench. and sitting and feeling my days play out.

With this little one rolling down the hill with me, sometimes I forget that One day, the autumn I have always dreamed about have already turned back to spring.

By then, my One day might finally arrive. And we would then all believe in being in awe of autumn again.

I love you, Ma.

Today is All Saint's Day. And since tomorrow (All Soul's Day) is a working day, I honored my departed loved ones today.

I visited my mother's tomb early morning with my little one and we lighted pink and red scented candles, arranged fresh blooms and said our quiet prayer.

It has been 18 years since she passed away and it still feels like she just left. The emptiness, the sadness and the longing for a mother don't really leave. It might fade, but it never really goes away...

In a moment there, as I said my quiet prayer, I kinda groped around that hollowness inside again. But this time, I told my mom how I have come full circle- i'm a mother now to a child as old as I was when she taught me my first Marian prayer.

And I think my mom would be happy to see me and lil one this happy. Finally, after all the hardships, me and little girl are in bliss.

There are a lot more things to go through, I know. But if there's one thing I learned from my mom, it's the miracle of a mother's love. The fact that a mother-daughter bond can never break: No matter what. And it's the mother's love that will always be the HOME we all come back to.

When little one was in the restroom a few moments ago, the rain suddenly poured heavily. Thunder and lighting in chorus. And my little one cried out: Mommy! Mommy! I literally jumped out of my chair with my heart beating at the palm of my hand.

She has always been scared of thunder. AND just as she saw me and hugged me, she stopped bawling. And I know, that this is being a mother is all about. Being the source of comfort and the big bear hug that will envelope us when we are just scared witless.

Today, say a short prayer for the mother who has always been there for me and my sister, C. For the grandmother that my lil one will always know by heart.

Prayer for Deceased Parents
O God, Who hast commanded us to honour our father and our
mother,
in Thy mercy have pity on the souls of my father/ mother,
and forgive them their trespasses,
and make me to see them again in the joy of everlasting
light.
Through Our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Son,
Who liveth and reigneth with Thee in the unity of the Holy
Ghost,
God, world without end.

Amen.


And for all the mothers in the world, single or otherwise, Thank God.