Faith.Trust. AND Pixie Dust

I've been quiet for some time.

Apart from the almost too busy schedule, I wanted to savor the silence in me and the quietness that I feel around. But to keep mum about a lot of things and to not write down my thoughts for stretches of time seem to me a little strange. And to go on not writing about any thing seems a become more difficult as days go by.

Lately, I have been spending more time with little girl. Yes, at times I wish it could be like this every single day, if only I can work and take her with me along is possible... Yaya Inday has also taken an extended vacation, and I have been little girl's nanny and all around household help for the long holiday.

I remember how difficult it used to be for me. Like pushing a truck in an uphill and winding road, juggling chores, nanny duty, writing and office work always left me drained and exhausted.

But recently, I find it better. Not a breeze but much easier than before! As if I am born to do all things all at once and alone too. lolz I'm not so sure if lil girl and I have gotten past the stage of terrible twos and threes (though she's still, as she puts it: "three goyng fouh"), but she and I haven't been clashing head on for some time now. AND it IS GREAT!

She listens when I tell her so. Keeps quiet when silence is required; she manages to stow away her toys at the end of the day; she doesn't scream on top of her lungs when she doesn't get what she wants; she even remembers to brush her teeth and say her prayers, without me having to remind her all the time.

Suddenly, mommiehood is not soooo difficult. As if the whole universe has conspired to give me a break :D

Maybe because I have learned that in order to make things work:

1. I need to sleep early and wake up early to make time and energy for everything.

2. Practice a Coco and Mommie time and keep it on a daily basis. And we never fail to pray together.

3. Establish an effective communication channel with my daughter, that involves asking her opinion about things and listening to her observations- no matter how mundane.

4. Realize that by not giving in to her every whim and demand is possible and is actually good for the both of us!

5. Give her small roles: lil one is in charge of clearing out the table after meals and in straightening her bed before sleep. Making her part of the chores and tasks that I need to do entails me not having to keep on hollering "sit down", "behave" and "later"

6. Value the little moments when we can squeeze in fun and laughter.

7. Follow my own rules so lil one listens when I reiterate the house rules.

8. Injected the nice phrases like please, thank you and you're welcome every chance I get.

9. That in order to get my point across, never sugar-coat or scream. Tried logic, and everytime I get to answer her whys, she believes and does not give me a hard time.

10 And lastsly, a mother will always be the best nanny a child will ever have.

I am technically still a newbie to this motherhood thing. AND it is a learning process. As the days go by, I take in words of wisdom from different mommies out there, single or otherwise. But I think I can say I have adjusted beautifully :D Lil one is just amazing. She never fails to make me feel like a superstar.

So this 2011, we didn't really make resolutions. We mapped out dreams and plans instead. This year, we're going to spend a lot of time together travelling. And eternalize milestones by hanging the moments in our wall of love :D We both promised to be kind to each other when tantrums and mood swings set in (lolz) and to always remember that we are the best partners in crime in the history of mankind.

On NYE, little one asked me if we can ever find the "daddy" for the both of us. AND honestly, I wasn't to give her a decent answer. Cuz frankly, mommie doesn't know everything- this particularly! lolz Maybe I can get back to her in about five NYEs time.

You know, if our world is this quiet, this seemingly perfect, why would we need to rock our boat by adding someone in? Both of us get sea sick easy.

Anyhow.. as we quietly started the first few days of this year, we both spent it playing with her toys, reading her books and watching tinkerbelle over and over. We made cakes and cooked stews and made salads together too.

And yes, found a new weekend date in her too: Starbux and a movie with little one is the best. :)

I love you, Ma.

Today is All Saint's Day. And since tomorrow (All Soul's Day) is a working day, I honored my departed loved ones today.

I visited my mother's tomb early morning with my little one and we lighted pink and red scented candles, arranged fresh blooms and said our quiet prayer.

It has been 18 years since she passed away and it still feels like she just left. The emptiness, the sadness and the longing for a mother don't really leave. It might fade, but it never really goes away...

In a moment there, as I said my quiet prayer, I kinda groped around that hollowness inside again. But this time, I told my mom how I have come full circle- i'm a mother now to a child as old as I was when she taught me my first Marian prayer.

And I think my mom would be happy to see me and lil one this happy. Finally, after all the hardships, me and little girl are in bliss.

There are a lot more things to go through, I know. But if there's one thing I learned from my mom, it's the miracle of a mother's love. The fact that a mother-daughter bond can never break: No matter what. And it's the mother's love that will always be the HOME we all come back to.

When little one was in the restroom a few moments ago, the rain suddenly poured heavily. Thunder and lighting in chorus. And my little one cried out: Mommy! Mommy! I literally jumped out of my chair with my heart beating at the palm of my hand.

She has always been scared of thunder. AND just as she saw me and hugged me, she stopped bawling. And I know, that this is being a mother is all about. Being the source of comfort and the big bear hug that will envelope us when we are just scared witless.

Today, say a short prayer for the mother who has always been there for me and my sister, C. For the grandmother that my lil one will always know by heart.

Prayer for Deceased Parents
O God, Who hast commanded us to honour our father and our
mother,
in Thy mercy have pity on the souls of my father/ mother,
and forgive them their trespasses,
and make me to see them again in the joy of everlasting
light.
Through Our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Son,
Who liveth and reigneth with Thee in the unity of the Holy
Ghost,
God, world without end.

Amen.


And for all the mothers in the world, single or otherwise, Thank God.

Racing to WIN

I ran my first kilometer in months!

and as i feel the wind, my foot on solid ground, i felt my lungs burn, my muscles move and my mind race. and i've never felt so alive. never felt this good too.

Been so long since I ran, I forgot how much I love it.

Lil one went with me and watched me as I go lap after lap and cheered me on like a pro squad: "go for the gold, ma" she screamed and screamed lolz the little rascal always, always supported me in my every endeavor. :)

And we walked the cool down laps together, baby steps, hand in hand and we talked about how beautiful it is to be just outside. She told me about the stars she saw during Science Day and described in detail how they twinkle and create pictures in the sky.



I told her about constellations and the planets far away and she too started her story about fungus in barbieland.. and how it's just a figment of MY imagination-- made me realize how much she has grown!

My baby isn't a baby anymore!! Well, she will always my baby... the same little bundle I cradle at night. BUT she's just growing and growing everyday.

I have NORMAL conversations with her. She voices out her opinion. rarely throws fits for no reason anymore. has learned to draw stick people (with my fave: Mom and Coco with curly hair hihi). She doesn't wear her diapers anymore, refuses to eat pork cuz she says it's not healthy...

Tonight, she told me she doesn't wanna use duckie anymore. Cuz she could sit on the toilet seat without falling into it. AND it just hit me!

You see, the world really doesn't stop, and this lil baby I have is my only reason why things are moving forward.

I am lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. I am lucky to be a mother. And I don't wanna waste any moment of this beautiful luck, because my very existence is defined by being a mother to Coco.

It is because of this luck, I want to continuously improve myself and the life that me and my daughter have. I know it's a bit too early for resolutions but I have made my headstart for 2011 just cause I want to start it better.

This year, I've had a million surprises. A handful opportunities and an infinite number of blessings.

As I want the luck to go on until next, I am taking my faith and hope in my palm and hold my heart for my God to keep.



And I told myself, this crazy ass positive change that I want to happen is really trying. But by just remembering that it is for this lil hand that clasps mine, I have to TOUGH it out.

Did you know that the best things in life happen after you stumble? And that the best aren't always what we have planned out but have accidentally discovered?

Well... tonight, I don't feel so alone anymore. AND I feel like I understand why things happened. All i KNOW is that yes, I am happy. I am not just trying to be a good mother.

I am DOING the little steps. For the little hand that clutches mine, I have all my reason to tough it out. Yes, go for gold.

My Mother is A Princess in a Superhero Costume

I always get sentimental on Mother's Day. But this year, it's a bit different. My little one spent it with the whole family, with the usual family Sunday Lunch- we took out our pyrexes from the cupboards and filled the room with fresh flowers in transparent vases. Each mom (except for lola grandma who is the Queen Bee) zapped a few secret recipes that deserved the ahhhs and ooohhs and brilliant comments from everyone. :)

It was a lovely lunch on such a humid day.

Afterwards, me and my cuzn T went on a tagalog movie marathon, with all the corny lines, pinoy dances and crazy love plots, we were actually, anything but puking. I happen to actually like it (Ssssshhh!! I'd never admit this in public! LOL) and maybe planning to get more of the classic Sharon Cuneta dvds. LOL When my little one woke up from her afternoon nap, I took her to visit my mom's tomb. Brought flowers and scented tea lights and with my little one in tow, I said a few prayers of remembrance. And I told Coco some stories about mommie's mommie.

I spent my third mother's day going back to my roots and loving the complicated family I am blessed with. As a solo parent, i'm taking all the credit for raising such a beautiful child (nyahaha) but I also give this honor to my lil sister, C, who has been Coco's second mom. And to all my aunts, and of course, queen bee Lola who throw in some good and strong love in between.

I've read somewhere that a mother is the place where we will always run to in times of happiness, success, sadness or fear. Our mothers will always be the only person who will understand and whose love will always endure. I will always be the Home Coco will always come back to, with a grin, a laugh or even tears on her eyes.

I'm not sure if my Coco has any idea what today is, nor did I really feel the hype of the day much, BUT today is such a special day. I know I am happy today, to realize that my little one has always treated me special in all my ordinary days.

She always brings me yellow flowers when she finds and happens to pick one.
She gives me tight hugs every single chance she gets and especially on days I feel so overwhelmed and so alone. She knows how to say "I'm Sorry" and mean it. She knows her manners, helps in my cooking and baking and looks at me lovingly like i'm some kind of hero. She always assures me that I am the best mom in the world... Most importantly? She makes me feel that I am right in giving all my love to this one little person who makes me her whole life too.

I am a woman capable of loving whole heartedly, unconditionally.. I am a woman raised to become independent, strong willed and strong hearted. I am also a woman born and molded into becoming a mother of love. All these, thanks to my beautiful mother whose love transcended heaven and earth and has unceasingly watched over me and my sis, C. And of course, to the many pseudo moms who have endured on raising and straightening a lil brat as me hihi

Motherhood is never easy. But it certainly is the most rewarding.

Happy Mommie's Day, all. Love to all the mothers! Indeed, we are all SuperWomen. :)

This thing we call L O V E

I woke up in the middle of the night to see photographer B's link.. and I knew I couldn't sleep back anymore. It's really, serious, the most beautiful i have seen... It is everything I want the pictures to be! Invokes a lot of feelings and it tells a lot of how we really are as a family.

And the part I love most? There's a shot of me and Coco that I am reminded of my mom.

Sigh. It was mom's death anniversary yesterday. And as I went about my usual tasks for the day, I keep think about how there's always a nagging feeling and wonder if I still have her by my side. I miss her. I still miss her every single day. And though I know she is happy in heaven, I also wish that her time here could have been a bit longer.

I wish she could have seen Coco. I wish she could have held her in her arms, hear Coco tell stories, her her laugh.. I wish she could see me being a mom too.

Sometimes, I think, my being a good mom stems from the fact that I had a good one. And that despite the short stint she had in this lifetime, it was all the time it took for her to make me and corie feel very loved.

As she has loved me, I will love my daughter as much also, and even more. I miss you ma, and I love you ever day of my life.

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