Wide Eye-Wonder

Over breakfast, Coco asked me if I would ever decide to get married.

I almost choked on my tea. And I asked her if she'd like to see me get married, wearing a wedding gown and all.

For a moment, I could not guess what's going through her mind.

And she said: Hmmm, Let me think. I don't want you to get married.

And I stifled a giggle. Why on earth would she think about me getting married?

So I said: I think I want to get married someday. But first, we both got to find mommie someone to marry. LOL

Coco: It's like window shopping ma, We can go to the mall later and find you a prince. Like us finding a puppy from the pet shop.

Me: But it doesn't work that way, Co. Sometimes there's just nothing in the mall.

Coco: Then we'll come back another day... (REALLY LONG PAUSE) But I think, Ma, I don't want you getting married, where will I go then?

And my heart broke. I told her she's stuck with me even until she doesn't want to be so. LOL

She laughed and let the issue go.

Grandma shook her head and was about to go on a litany when I said, Lola, I'm never getting married. It's just the way it is. And she let the issue go too.

BUT honestly, I wanna get married someday. Well, I wanna have a wedding someday :) With all the frills, the magic, the love, a blue-eyed prince (YII, someone like D!!).

If only finding the right man for you, finding that elusive prince is as easy as shopping. THEN Maybe, I got a chance to find that perfect moment.

Oh Well, That's a good Sunday dream.

sigh.

I hate questions I cannot answer.

You and I are just the same.

The most wonderful things with calling in sick come in calling in for mommie duty. The other day when I skipped work, I nursed my sickie tummy for a bit and went back to mommie job asap.

I made breakfast and Me and little one had hot chocolate made from classic tablea ("sikwati") and suman (rice rolls?) for breakfast. We brought out the china for sikwati, and lingered for a bit longer, exchanging stories, taking pictures. I wanted my mornings to be like that... slow. beautiful. simply lovely.






And Christy came on over early and lil one was giddy beyond belief.



I took Coco to school too and had the chance to see her interact with the other kids.




To see her shine.



To see her play.



To take in what a beautiful person my little one is.



I spent a chunk of my time there talking with other guardians and talking with Coco's teacher- which I found out is also a solo parent. And I think, what a beautiful surprise!

When Coco was about to attend school, I had a hard time finding the right one for her. Some schools here are biased against children from broken families, single parents, or unwed mothers. I guess, maybe the closed Catholic culture finds it difficult to broaden the perspective. But I don't take it against them. It's just the way they are.

The process of checking one school after another was a tad difficult and hurting for me. Because primarily, I feel that my child should not be discriminated against just because she carries my last name or has a N/A for a father. It hurt me to know that there are some institutions that still remain ,well, different - for lack of better word.

Then I found this school not far from where we live that embraces a Christian education and has welcomed me and my child because we are the same as any whole family out there.

And Coco's teacher has testified that statistics show a number of students coming from homes run by solo parents. This comforts me because I know teacher I will be careful with her words, be mindful of her lessons and would not look at my child with pity in her eyes-like most narrow-minded people I encounter.

What makes my child different from other "normal" kids is the fact that she is loved truly, hundred percent, without the need to have multiple parent figures. Because my love, and my family's love for her (also my friends) is more than what other people from "whole" families get.

That's a fact of life. :)

And I am happy to see the kids in her school are happy Christians. They do not treat her differently. They do not see her as different. Because precisely, she is not.

And neither am I.

Stay at Home Mommie

I'm cramming my second to the last article before dinner time. I NEED to submit this ten hours ago. OHMYS*** right?

I am so desperate for something new. I know that this decision to stay with where I am right now was not a hasty one. It was long thought over and long contemplated upon. I know this is the right decision.

But why the hell do I feel so not right? Like I made a huuuugggee ass mistake in doing so. It's all summed up in a few letters, 11 letters to be exact. And my boss is gonna be here again next week.

And as I spent my day at home nursing a bad tummy (SLLLLIGGGHTTT), going with Coco to class and spending time with her kind-hearted teacher and the other equally friendly guardians, drawing circles with lil one, writing articles, attending a healing mass, and cooking dinner - I realized how much I'd love it if I choose to be a stay at home mom.

Don't you ever get these days?

When you just wanna kick off your stilettos and don a pair of flats?
Throw away your stockings and lounge in jeans?
Cook breakfast and afford to stay a minute longer cuz you're not rushing?
Wake up and not cram everything in few minutes, crazy multi-tasking of managing a conversation, putting on make-up and preparing your kid's backpack?
Take your kid to school and have mommy-talks with the other mommies?
Sit down for dinner with your little one?
Sit down for LUNCH with your family and watch your kid go around in circles on her bike?
Have really long and multiple reading-a-story times?


How much would I ever give, just to have that kinda life.

If I had the chance, I would grab it. With arms wide open, I'd welcome that change.

But before that bake me a cake picture, I'm guessing I need to come up with (bummer) reality check. And an action plan where I'd source my cashflow.

Makes me think of:

* holding a garage sale to sell all my shoes, except for my favorite Steve Madden.
* selling kwek2x!
* Selling all my bags!!
* become a part-time traffic aid during weekday mornings. lol, im sure manong traffic aid would wanna retire by now.
* get paid for surfing FB too much.
* offer make-up learning sessions for those who wanna look better
* stop eating, stop sleeping and write write write
* or earn from this too much blogging :)

OR I can pray for a miracle and hope that my family reads this and offer me a job at home.

LOL.sigh.

Praying for a Miracle

I stumbled upon a child's letter to God that said:

Dear God, I need a raise in my allowance. Could you have one of your angels tell my father? Amen (David, age 7)

Every day, I mutter the same prayer. or similar to it: Dear God, I pray for a raise in my salary. Can you please whisper a hint on my boss's ear?

I think my boss has heard it, but for the life of me, still hasn't given me that raise. lol

I have always believed in the power of prayer. My faith has allowed me to bend during a huge storm so I won't break. has made me see half full when all I could think was how empty I feel. and this time, the power of prayer has made me realize that all things happen for a good reason.

And as everyday, I struggle to make ends meet and struggle to create a happy second chance in life, I always find myself an answered prayer.

I never realized that prayers can move mountains; I don't expect people to understand or believe this kind of faith either. I think faith is a personal matter that we could not truly convey but we can truly share.

But for me, I am thankful for that line to heaven. Otherwise, I would be lost. and reduced to nothing every so often.

I am surrounded by a million miracles that testify God's existence. and the hundred more that glorify His name.

My twin J's sister C came out of the coma and can now move her left side, smile, talk and convey emotions we only dreamt of happening again.
My sister C has found hope in a promising career.
My friend V found another chance in her litttle baby R.
Good friend D, is getting married in about a month plus and love is just so apparent in this couple.
My little girl learns a few more tricks and everyday, she greets me with a new surprise.
I found answered little prayers when I checked my mail and employer I is needing more articles from me. And employer J has sold websites with the help of my articles.

Thank God for work and a hundred more opportunities. Imagine if we find nothing, get tired from doing nothing? Tired bones are better than bored ones.

Amazing right?

I cannot enumerate the many things that God provides for me and the many miracles we experience in our day to day. I am sure of by just wondering in amazement the joys of motherhood, the idea of rest, the fact of respite, the chances that we get, the feeling of pure love and simple happiness.. are only a few testaments of God's graces.

Happy, happy and blessed Sunday!

She turns two.11 :)

I've never believed in second chances.

I doubted that people ever get second shots in anything in this life. And it is with this line of thought that I built my life upon that it scared me too much to make any mistake or stumble and stray from a life completely and "perfectly" planned out.

Then one day, I woke up with everything broken and everything unfamiliar.

And the rest, as they say, is history....

Today, my little one turns 2.11 years old. In a month's time, my little one will grow a year older, a year wiser.. A year further from the time I carried this baby in my tummy. This year, Coco and I won't be throwing a party. Instead, we'll just bake some cupcakes, make some spaghetti and chicken and prepare some balloons for her play mates at playroom.

She said she just wants a new princess doll or a barbie. AND a kiss and a hug from her "bestest mommie".

AND I JUST WANNA BAWL. and hugged my little one the tightest ever!!!

You know, three years ago, as I sat in my grandma's wicker rocking chair holding this little baby in my arms, I wondered if I would ever get this far. Without a man. Without a plan. Without that radiant light of hope. Scared to death I was.

I still cry when I remember that exact moment. I just couldn't imagine, for the life of me, a day without this wonderful daughter that God has gifted me. And every single day after that day, I lived, I worked and built a life around this little girl named Coco.

And for 2.11 years, I have become a woman I never imagined I am capable of becoming.
I've learned to budget. to cook. to clean. to mop. to scrub floors. to multitask. to sing.

I've learned to prioritize. to speak slowly. to cry. to laugh. to be happy. to take care of my health.

I've learned to pray earnestly. to mind my manners. to watch my words. to have hope.

I've learned to appreciate every sunrise. to anticipate every sunset. to be more patient. to be loving. and nurturing.

I've learned to understand and believe in second shots in life.

I've learned to become a mother.

And I've my Coco to thank for the beautiful things that i've seen over the past two.11 years. For the lazy mornings and quiet gmorning mommy, for the read-me-books time,for the jellyace marathon, for the barbie fevers, for the tantrums, for the crazy conversations. for being the life of my every day existence.

Happy monthbirthday lil one, I surely have the best kinda daughter any singlemama can ever ask for.

Prince? Or something like that. LOL.

I spent a weekend out of town with a few close friends. Going back to the little island where I figured out I'm ready to write, blog, live again.

Last year, I went there with my little one and I realized how beautiful and serene life can be if we stay still. If we take out all the worldly things and look up to the sky, over the horizon and into our hearts, we realize that everything that we need, we already have. On that slow and sunny October afternoon when my little one hugged me, I got the only confirmation I needed to affirm my completeness.

I am no longer broken. I am no longer angry or hurt, or sad. I am at peace.

This time, the trip painted the world a shade of rose and some aqua clear blue.

Last Saturday, on our ferry ride to Camiguin, I met D. No, my friend initiated the conversation with D. And pushed me into the chitchat along. And for the life of me, I just sat there with a crazy ass worst tongue tie ever. With a few words and a million moments of silence. I was just uhm, not me.

Similar to like, being star struck, or the bolder "love" at first sight, it was just weird.

And the only thing I was able to blurt out was if he wanted some nerds. what a loser, I know!

And so, as my friend J tried to make the conversation rolling, getting up for some unusual "bathroom" break, D and I sat in silence, a few laughs and......

I've never felt butterflies in my tummy or felt like high school in soooo long, it was- no, it IS weird for me. But it was crazy beautiful..................

And gawd, does he have the most beautiful eyes ever.♥

Princess and the Star

Yesterday, Coco didn't want to go to school unless she wears her crown and princess dress. She's been sulking the whole first part of the morning, refusing to eat her cereals until I agree to her choice of wardrobe for the day.

I tried telling her about appropriate dressing.

And she said they don't have a uniform.

I tried telling her she's a princess but she needs to put on a disguise.

And she told me, is that lying?

I tried telling her her classmates won't wear crowns and frilly pink princess dresses to school.

And she said, Won't that be great then, I am different and gonna stand out?

AND I feel, I think, how the hell am I gonna argue with that???? And because, I was running late already, trying to put my own stockings and my make-up on while trying to reason with her, I got her the dress and zipped it on.

AND here she is, all cracked up. all smiles. all ready to go.









Then I thought, seeing her face light up and watching her dance around like a pixie, how can such a lil thing mean a world to this lil one? Well, seeing this one little moment means a world to me. sigh. :)

After school, she showed me her star. She said her teacher loved their artwork and gave them a red star each. They pasted orange patches on a huge carrot the teacher made. AND she told me that she told everyone, her mommie bakes a mean carrot cake, with little carrots on top. LOL



Then she whispered to me last night, I am obligated to bake carrot cupcakes for her teacher and classmates!

Coco told me that we are all princesses, and we should always remember to wear a crown every single day and I think she's right. We should always treat ourselves like princesses, deserving to walk with head held high. Of all the things Coco has taught me over the years, she has taught me the self-worth and pride I have lost a few years back.

I wonder, if I am a princess, where the hell is my prince? LOL.




Nonetheless, we single moms also deserve a big ass red star of excellent stamps for a job well done!!

Laughing off Embarassment

Coco's first week at school was fun for her. She loved running around the playroom, chasing the ball, folding art papers and singing nursery rhymes. And she learned to sit properly too :)

Yesterday, my lil one experienced her first embarassing moment. And as I listened to her yaya tell me about it over the phone, my heart pounded like a bird trapped in a cage. I was scared for my lil one!

Coco, with all the glee and laughter, kept running around until her shorts snapped and fell to her knees. And since it's her first time to not wear her diapers and she's way conscious of her undergarments, her eyes went wide with shock.

And the room went quiet for a bit and her classmates erupted in laughter.

I could have fainted. I was sure she would cry. I was sure she's not gonna come back to the playroom. I was sure she'd wail like a baby. I was about to panic.

But I was wrong.

She gathered her shorts, held it at her hips and stuck out her tongue to each of her classmates.

And she went to her teacher to have her shorts fixed. And she grinned and went back playing.

I laughed. I was relieved. I was happy.

The second time she ran around squealing and her shorts snapped again, she gathered it again and exclaimed, "nahulog nasad bah.." (it fell off again) and laughed. Her classmates laughed with her. AND she fixed it herself.

Talk about overcoming embarrassing moments gracefully!

When I got home, I didn't want to ask her about it but she did share it with me and recounted the story just as her yaya narrated it to me. And she said it with so much laughter in her eyes, I swear it didn't leave a trace of trauma for her. LOL

And as I listened to her, watched the lil mermaid for the nth time with her last night, I knew my lil one is stronger than I am.

Because she can fight, can stand up for herself. can laugh at situations. can get over like a bouncing ball.

That Friday moment, I realized how blessed my little one is.

She is blessed with so much love, there isn't any room for insecurities. She is blessed with so much happiness, she can laugh at mistakes and fool around small tumbles.

And I am so blessed to have such a wonderful daughter, who I know will be ready for anything. At such a young age, this lil girl can take on the world, chase after her dreams and stand up high on a mountain with the stars on her hand.

THIS has got to come rolling with the other poud mommie moments I have!

Of noise and cheers

A week back, I couldn't stop writing. The words just kept pouring in, like rain showers on a rainy season, it's just bound to come around. Suddenly, I find myself staring at the monitor wishing for a drop. Thinking nothing, doing nothing, writing nothing.

Writing anything but something I badly wanna write about.

Tonight, I had dinner with two of my best friends in the whole world. It's been ten short years since we sat at the back row on agri class trying to hatch chicks and sneaking out to buy tempura and lots of coke. The four of us- B,K,Y and me cannot be any different than night and day or black and white. We are four crazies in different suits. But for the life of me, I couldn't imagine a life without them. And I feel overwhelmed by how blessed I am to have friends who know me by heart.

They love me for who I am and we love each other like blood sisters. Remember the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants? like that. Maybe even more. If you search a little more closely, you'll find a lot of shiny gems like BYK (and my sis C, cuz T,K), and my dearests A,J,M,R.. and the new ones I found along the way (D,B,R).

They were there when I struggled with my huge belly lost in the maze of M. Y did a week-end bed rest when my OB advised me to do so. They were there when I (or C) couldn't even begin to understand what being in the ICU means. K flew in from Amsterdam and C from Hongkong, straight into Med City when I couldn't cry anymore because I'm too scared. They were there when all I wanted to do was crawl in and die. They were there with a phone cradled on their shoulders frantically trying to spew words of advice oceans away.

They were there when I first held my little girl in my arms and thanked God for such a bundle of joy. They listened to me talk endlessly about lil one, loved her equally the same too. They gave her hugs and laughter and loved us like any family would welcome a new one.

They were there when my little one first learned to walk. first learned to talk. first learned to blow her birthday candle. first learned the meaning of love. first learned how to ride the bike. They were there in every single turn.

My first promotion. My crazy ass achievements. My twisted writing stints. my first attempt in baking and cooking.

My best friends - We bickered, we bitched, we could even scratch out each other's eyeballs sometimes but we were always the four peas in a pod, the four-leaf clover in a sea of grass. We still are plainly,simply us- like the same four lil girls in sailor uniforms struggling to balance physics, literature, pressure and dreams.

Single motherhood surely has the bad days- when tired, sad, lonely, overwhelmed has just been mashed up so you couldn't tell the difference. I have always believed that losing and winning is just the same - like the one from glee: the cheers and the boos are both the same, they're just noise. The only difference is the attitude on how we take them in.

Yeah, I have been in a long bumpy ride more than I have anticipated, and not every turn has been great. But strapped beside me is my little one, plus my four best friends, a loving sister, a string of beautiful heart-ed friends, my whole crazy beautiful family and my faith- and I know that however bumpy this road is gonna be, I'll get there.

One day at a time.

One turn at a time.