A Jar of Happiness. And everything else.

That's me and lil one, trick or treating. (Tita D is beside lil gurl, but not sure if I can post her here, lolz)

Halloween 2011 

I'm happy.

I don't get why most find it hard to believe that I am. 

I don't understand why people would think I am not.

I don't tell people that I am happy, but scared to be, yet thankful I am.

But I am happy.

Truly.

I love my lilGurl.

And I love that she loves me back unconditionally.

I am happy being a mother.

I am happy with my job.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am good with my single blessedness.

I am at peace with my solo parenthood.

I am truly in this state of tranquility.

Although my happiness do not equate to contentment, 

the NOW that I have is something that I am joyful about.

Joyful.

Thankful.

Grateful.

Yes.

I still dream of my happy ever after.

I pray for that day to come.

I still want to see Paris.

And watch the lights and listen to the beautiful Parisian noise

With this person who can actually understand me.

Love me.

Truly.

I still have those moments.

When I ask my what ifs;

When I wonder how I will handle things;

When I wish I can be better.

Have better,

Do better.

But I have more of those times 

When I laugh.

When I see the beauty of gray skies.

When I giggle at stupid jokes.

Or smile because I think things are good.

And I have this lilGurl.

Who loves me.

Whom I love more back.

And we are given these moments

of just wonderful bonding;

of carefree love;

of quiet understanding.

And I find myself in prayer,

in quiet thought,

and in acceptance

Of a number of things

from my past,from my now and even from my future.

And so I know.

I feel.

I truly am.

Happy :)

Ain't it just beautiful?

I thought I had it all figured out.

Just when I think I've got all the areas covered, LilGurl comes home from school with a homework about a family. They were asked to look for and paste pictures of their Moms and Dads and a family portrait.

She has always been proud of the fact that her mom is a 'single mommy'. She says it like single motherhood is synonymous with being a superhero. But this time, last night, wellll.... It was different.

She came to me with a question that bothered her most of the day. I hated to see that screwed up expression on her face as if all I'm saying is blabber. LilGurl says: Ma, You said you're both my mom and Dad. But Teacher says a father is a boy and you're a girl. So how can you also be a dad?

SO, How do you answer that?!

How do I begin to tell her that such stereotyping is already dead in this generation (DUH). I kept on running conversations, quotes and scrolling one-liners I prepared for this moment in my head to satisfy this little girl's wonder and bring down that eyebrow she's raising.

And so I stood there, with my hands covered with glue and my eyes welling up and she's still looking at me like i'm about to turn into a mushroom head.

At that exact moment, my options were:

One. Wring the teacher's neck!! I already told her about the WAY I teach the KINDS of families in this lifetime. Hello, whatever happened to the Parent-Teacher conversations we had?!

Two. I tell LilGurl: Geez, I'm the only one with the balls to raise her (UH, no, such bitterness! lolz)

Three: I tell her that I shift from girl to boy to girl in between hours? (Sounds weird)

Four: I tell her that she was given to me from the heavens or skies in a blanket, and it just so happened at that time that I am alone.. and site some mambo jambo from a fictional post. (THIS IS THE SHITTIEST)

OR Five. I just tell her the truth that I know. In a way that she understands.

Sometimes, there are just questions you cannot even begin to answer why or how.

Before bedtime, I told her, finally, that I am a girl. Therefore, I am a mother. BUT I am a single mother. A single Mommy. AND THAT gives me the chance, the gift to be the daddy also. I have the most unique spot of being allowed to be both the mommy and the daddy.

She then breaks a smile and says: OHH OWRIGHT. I forgot you're a single mommy!! So you're stronger than the normal mommies (UGH, as if there's a normal mommie). And she gives me that toothy smile, a high five and a hug.

And went on coloring her books.

I can feel her hug, ten thousand times. I know the question was never gonna stop there. And I know that the answer was kind of, a band-aid, a fallacy even. I know that she has this something inside, like she knows, or wonders, that something's missing.

I may not be a typical daddy, nor will I ever be a typical mommy. BUT I know that I am being the best parent for her right now.

You know, that KNOW with a conviction part, didn't come easy to me though. As I got up and pretended to wash the glue from my hands over and over whole she keeps her art supplies, I cried a bucket and one of tears without making a damn sound.

And then, I went back in the room with tears gone, moisturizer on my face and a ready good-night, tuck the lil bear kiss.

Sometimes, I think she's right, being a single mommy (Or a NORMAL mommy) is actually anything but normal.

Bright Kid, she is. Oftentimes, she's the one giving me the answers to my own questions that I can't even begin to understand.