SUNDAYS with old and new memories :D

One Day, I woke up with a little bump.


(At six weeks)

And God told me, the little bump is growing...


(At nine weeks)

After a few trips and some good shopping, the little bump is ready to come out! And i've learned it's a SHE. who will adore zara, shoes and dashing D!



When SHE finally did, I felt my heart leap. felt everything settle. AND I've witnessed my first miracle.


(Coco at 5 days old.)



I laugh when I first heard her giggle..



SHIVERED when I gave her her first bath, wondering how I would..



Watched her sleep, just watched her breathe..


(Coco at 2 months)



She learned to say coo, I cried when she first said Mommy. then out came the words: Tita, Titin, Lamie, Lola...









Then suddenly, she turns 7 months.



AND then started learning to walk..


(Coco at 10 months)

and going on road trips with moi and the family.







Then suddenly, I find this little girl, always running around:D




With her little head sprouting curls here and there



who loves to sing and dance



and make faces




.... And today, she's learned to run around the house with a new mantra. lolz
Still the baby in our family, the light of my life. I heart my little one.



Thanks baby bear for taking the old piks out, I love nostalgic Sundays!!

What a Beautiful, Beautiful Christmas!

Look who's hitting sleepy CDO in time for the holiday rush? OMG.

Add up my baby girl and her bear hugs, my lovely family, a strong circle of friends, laughter, some good read, a few letters in the mail, skype, strawberries and cream waffle... and maybe a chance to make it bigger in 2011 and what a beautiful, beautiful Christmas indeed!!

Smoke Freedom!!

I woke up when the world was still dark and everything was still still. I stood outside, taking in the beautiful morning, the cool breeze, the quietness with a cup of green tea in one hand and another in an empty pocket.

I've been out of smoke for about two weeks now, my colds are killing me, my cough isn't going away. But i'm almost there- my one month threshold. And I am on my way to smoke freedom!



It gets a bit trying to write without it. I know, ALL in the MIND. But if you've been accustomed to it, it's hard letting go.. but it's not impossible.

Today, I don't struggle much. But i'm almost sure this is gonna add up to the lbs that I need to lose. And so, despite the oral fixation this has got to be, I'm still gonna close my eyes every time I see green and black.

And everytime I feel like this isn't possible, I go over the reasons that I keen in my pocket and I get back on the track.

Just remember, I WANT to quit. and the WANT should be enough to make it.

Yey, beautiful Thursday and a lovely loooong weekend soon!

Solo Parents Rights

I've been a solo parent for about 3 years now. And though motherhood is rewarding, everyday has not exactly been a bed of roses.

The first time I came home, with this little baby in my arms, unsure of what the future holds for the both of us, I remember standing in the airport, waiting for a ride home and keeping the dam of tears in.

I held on to that facade until being strong was the only thing I know doing. I juggled jobs, motherhood, and writing in 24 hours. It wasn't easy before. And it isn't easy now. But being strong inside has become a part of my living that being the other way isn't really an option anymore.

The difficult times always come when little one gets sick and either I have just enough to buy medicine or just enough to pay the bills. And there's always the chance the boss won't allow you to take a leave. And of course, coming home to a conservative town doesn't always make it easy for solo parents like me to blend in.

And though I am still in some kind of a limbo, as my civil status has remained stuck somewhere in the grey areas, I am for a fact a solo parent.

The law protects the rights of solo parents and our legislators acknowledge our existence and the rights we have to better future, more opportunities and a loud voice in our society.

RA 8972 or the Solo Parents Act of the Philippines is a comprehensive act that provides benefits and privileges to solo parents and their children. It was signed into law in November 2000 and its implementing rules was approved in April 2002.

As defined by the Act:

A solo parent is any individual...among others, "Any other person who solely provides parental care and support to a child or children"

It provides us with:

* Solo parents can avail of the 7-day parental leave that is mandated by law. It is above the special day and mandatory leaves. Esp when parents need to attend to a child's needs.
* Flexible work schedule

A bill is being passed that enable solo parents to avail of discounts on child's clothing, medicine, milk and diapers. Though it has not been signed and put into effect just yet, this bill would surely help a lot of solo parents when it will be.

Solo parents are encouraged to obtain the Solo Parents ID from DSWD the soonest possible. The requirements would include Barangay Certificate of Residence, supporting documents (like annullment, ITR, etc), and if you are like me who's still in a kinda limbo, we can secure a certificate issued by the Barangay Captain indicating the circumstances of one's being a solo parent.

For more of this you can read on:

Apart from the assurance that the law is not sleeping on us, we know that no matter how minor solo parents can be in a staunchly conservative society, we still have a voice.

Now, don't you think being a chicsinglemommie rocks?! :D

Keep your head up, love. The world hasn't gone too heavy just yet and Atlas still hasn't shrugged!

Happy = Boring

Okay, I get it. I am a bore when I am happy.

I couldn't even write STUFF when I am happy and you will be perpetually greeted by a smile on my face you're actually gonna ask if I'm Okay.

I even have to slap myself twice when in the middle of an article or a proposal and I find myself staring at space. just actually staring and SMILING. Crazy I know.

But I am. And as surprising and out of line as it sounds in my life, I think my heart has finally hit the enough bS button and has settled in nicely. I think this is gonna last until the year goes out and a new one comes in. I'm hoping the feeling stays :)

I think I like this feeling better than anything else. So I am thinking of keeping it, locking it and living with it day in and day out.

Not cuz I don't mind not writing much. Or not talking much. But cuz, i have discovered that smiling takes a lot less of an effort than a frown.

Ha!

Take it all in. Cuz the "niceness" that I have hanging around recently is not gonna expire until end of the month. I have a strong feeling it's gonna last way longer than end of the year too.

Yey! Happy thought :D

Life is a book...

This weekend, when lil one took her afternoon nap, I snuggled to catch up on my reading. As I take out the paperbacks, I re-read my favorites, with their creased pages and outlined passages. And I read my hours away.

AND as expected, it was full of thoughts. Random as they are, recurring as always.

Sometimes, what you read in novels is exactly how it is in real life.

The only difference is that the ending will depend on what the market prefers. and the fact that the characters will always do the expected.

But in real life, we are left with the questions they never ask. and the wonders of it all.

Years and years from now, When I die of old age, I will have a luggage of questions that I probably take with me to my grave.

Or maybe, I will live more years to tell the tale.

Then maybe, it will be a novel like 100years of solitude- encompassing lifetimes. encompassing the maybes.

********************************************

As part of my project change, I have come to watch the ME time materialize. And with this beautiful weekend, moments with lil one, the beach, dvd and a few good books are among the best that came with this kind of wanting to be better :) Makes us all wish for more long weekends and makes me think that THIS is going as it should.

Tonight, I combed lil one's curls until she fell asleep. AND as cheezy as it sounds, I have never felt so serene in my whole life.

It is true that one of life's greatest pleasures is having one's hair combed. And ALSO, in having the opportunity to comb your precious one's curls.

Beautiful Sunday night :)

Racing to WIN

I ran my first kilometer in months!

and as i feel the wind, my foot on solid ground, i felt my lungs burn, my muscles move and my mind race. and i've never felt so alive. never felt this good too.

Been so long since I ran, I forgot how much I love it.

Lil one went with me and watched me as I go lap after lap and cheered me on like a pro squad: "go for the gold, ma" she screamed and screamed lolz the little rascal always, always supported me in my every endeavor. :)

And we walked the cool down laps together, baby steps, hand in hand and we talked about how beautiful it is to be just outside. She told me about the stars she saw during Science Day and described in detail how they twinkle and create pictures in the sky.



I told her about constellations and the planets far away and she too started her story about fungus in barbieland.. and how it's just a figment of MY imagination-- made me realize how much she has grown!

My baby isn't a baby anymore!! Well, she will always my baby... the same little bundle I cradle at night. BUT she's just growing and growing everyday.

I have NORMAL conversations with her. She voices out her opinion. rarely throws fits for no reason anymore. has learned to draw stick people (with my fave: Mom and Coco with curly hair hihi). She doesn't wear her diapers anymore, refuses to eat pork cuz she says it's not healthy...

Tonight, she told me she doesn't wanna use duckie anymore. Cuz she could sit on the toilet seat without falling into it. AND it just hit me!

You see, the world really doesn't stop, and this lil baby I have is my only reason why things are moving forward.

I am lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. I am lucky to be a mother. And I don't wanna waste any moment of this beautiful luck, because my very existence is defined by being a mother to Coco.

It is because of this luck, I want to continuously improve myself and the life that me and my daughter have. I know it's a bit too early for resolutions but I have made my headstart for 2011 just cause I want to start it better.

This year, I've had a million surprises. A handful opportunities and an infinite number of blessings.

As I want the luck to go on until next, I am taking my faith and hope in my palm and hold my heart for my God to keep.



And I told myself, this crazy ass positive change that I want to happen is really trying. But by just remembering that it is for this lil hand that clasps mine, I have to TOUGH it out.

Did you know that the best things in life happen after you stumble? And that the best aren't always what we have planned out but have accidentally discovered?

Well... tonight, I don't feel so alone anymore. AND I feel like I understand why things happened. All i KNOW is that yes, I am happy. I am not just trying to be a good mother.

I am DOING the little steps. For the little hand that clutches mine, I have all my reason to tough it out. Yes, go for gold.

Pressing Restart.

I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately. About goal resetting, values reorganizing- about everything in my life.

And the whole thing is messing my whole thoughts sooo much that I still am clearly in the middle of it all.

A good start though, I know what I want now. And I know that there are a lot of things that I need to eliminate, issues to process and even emotions to really sort out and throw out.

But for sure, I know this is for the better.

And as I spend more ME time scattered through out the day, just 5 mins of sitting still and feeling things sink in or watching them fly around my head, makes it easier for me to structure the kind of days I want to live in and the kind of days I want my daughter to open her eyes to.

As the days go by, with beautiful blessings around me to remind me of how blessed I am, I get to realize what and who I consider important. And should I want to have that one thing, I should.....

I should... that, I still need to figure out.

But for tonight, I am gonna promise, that tomorrow, I will be different.

I made the first step today, and tomorrow I will continue to make it happen. Until one day, I am already there.

And it's a promise that I am wishing soooo bad to keep.

What If?

i give up.

i give up trying to be cynical. or nonchalant about things. or even insensitive.
i give up trying to appear to be less of a hopeful or a defeated hopeless romantic.

cuz honestly, i'm not. really.

i still love sappy movies.
and i still believe in destiny and second chances.
i still wish to get married someday.
and see my friends marry their soul mates.
i still want to go to rome, greece, and now verona too!
and believe that it's always nice to one day have that proposal under the moon.
i still believe that the thing called love exists.
maybe now or fifty years in between or even a lifetime after.

"If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now?"
- letters to juliet



Makes us think, that hey, it's possible! whether it's the ending we want or not, whether it sounds too much of a fairytale or not, we always get to write the ending that we always would love.

WHAT IF?

It's always nice watching pretty movies like these on weekends. Watch it, it's good for the jaded soul :)

......and so, i give up.

But I haven't.

It's been so long since anyone has even asked if I already had my dinner, or has even remembered to greet goodmorning or goodnight, or has asked if I am okay.

It's been so long since i've had to sit and have a cup of coffee. or have endless conversations over dinner.

It's been so long since i've even tried in believing that this COULD happen again.

Been so long, that I almost forgot. ALMOST.

But gladly, I haven't.

It's not really it, I know. But it feels okay, close to what we think it should be. Maybe what makes it right is that there's just no way the past or the future could dictate whatever this is right now.

And I realize, yes, finally, I am okay.

No, better. :)

Driven for Change

I've always had the gift of writing. But writing things before they happened was never part of it.

Although lately, my sense of intuition has been heightened-- no, developed, after a series of mishaps. And so, I find myself writing, saying, linking words together and finding out that hey! I make sense! And hey, I was right!!

I know that not all of the things that come out of my mouth are pretty words, and more often than not they have been brutal. And with this realization, I told myself that the world is not about me alone. AND I should start understanding that it doesn't hurt to be nice.

And so, I did what I could manage: if there's one thing that I have managed to control is the way these words come out. (Give credit for it!)

Lately, (like for the past year) I have been making conscious efforts to clip my tongue when I have nothing OK to say or comment. And I have learned to always keep my words chewable, even sugarcoated so as when the time comes that I need to swallow em, they aren't sooo bitter.

And I find it really amazing that it is paying off :)

Earlier this year, I vowed to myself to:

* never strike back unless the pain is intolerable (and I have increased my pain tolerance level)
* swallow every hurtful word that comes my way even when I know I am right. The world is round, what goes around comes around.
* let things pass. I don't have to have the last word every time.
* lessons are learned, not shoved down one's throat. So if they don't understand, it's alright, they'll learn the hard way.
* it's not all the time that I need to have an opinion. I can keep them to myself.
* never lose sight of my principles and never doubt the kind of person that I am. I am way past HS and so I think the whiners and losers cannot dictate who I am now.

So if you would ever care to listen to what people like me would like to say, remember, that whatever advice that comes out from our mouths come from a thing called experience.

And from the fact that we have seen more of the world, its ugliest and darkest form, and once thought: Hey, Mom/Dad/Granma/Auntie- whoever, was right afterall.

Then maybe, take in a mantra that helps us better: Don't hurt people in anyway if you don't wanna find yourself hurting twice as much.

More like the golden rule huh. It's not so easy I know, but it gets better every single day.

Wishful Thinking

Lil one woke up to christmas carols this morning, with the cold ber breeze blowing and the puto and palitaw mornings, it kinda gives you a pretty heads up for the holiday season.

Don't you feel it just yet? :)

So, lil one and I sat together after breakfast and drew up a list of projects that we want to embark on before the year ends and it included giving our sofa a pretty make-over: a promise that no more peeing and spilled milk, juice or water, changing her bike's training wheels since it's really really broken, hang more picture frames, learning to bake brownie fudge with soy lecithin or nuts for the holidays.

And we're thinking of celebrating the holidays differently this year. I'm not so sure yet as to how, but I think it's gonna be more of just me and lil one spending time together.

Of course, we didn't forget to draw up a wishlist. But as we sat there and talked about things we wanna buy (the realistic ones) we both ended up laughing cuz we couldn't really think of anything to buy!!

It's either we couldn't afford it. Or we already have it.

So for the wishful thinking list, we both agreed that we want and crossing our fingers that maybe a few Christmases from now we'd be really able to get one:

* a huge tree house (or a lil tyke play house) with the kitchen set!!
* a flat screen TV that plays Mr. Bean (ughhh!!) and a lot of chuggington (and CNN)
* a new car that's automatic and has beige interiors (my choice) and barbie seat belts (lil one's)
* matching gucci flats with cute ribbons or a flower (both of agreed on this right away!)
* a weekend trip to ocean park!!

Sigh. I wanna add iphone to the list but lil one couldn't relate and raised an eyebrow. As if telling me, how is she gonna benefit from it!

So there. For every lil thing that we want this holidays, we both wanted one thing (and it's possible too): to have matching dresses for the Holiday mass.

Happy, Happy Sunday everyone!

Nothing Better

Nothing would ever beat the feeling of being in a big bear hug with my little one.

When I got home yesterday afternoon, so tired from all the running around, catching planes and waiting and waiting for a delayed flight, my lil one shrieked when she heard me pulling up the drive way and all the TIRED feeling evaporated.

And she ran with arms wide open and embraced me the tightest hug ever. With all the toykingdom bag, laptop, krispy kremes in tow, moi dropped them all and hugged lil one tightest I could!!

AND i swear, my world stood still for a while.

We spent the rest of the night just talking, playing with her new barbie and ken dolls that Titas and Titas gave as presents. We slept early though, me being really tired and lil one being a bit sick.

As I wake up this morning, I thank my boss for giving me a day off to attend to reality. and spend time with lil one.

Today, my TO Do is a mess.

*write articles
*do groceries
*pay overdue bills!! arghhh!!
*bring coco to her pulmo-pedia
*balance checkbook
*write thank you notes
*liquidate
*sort the laundry
*sleep, rest, play with Cocobelle

I still have the big city hangover, but it feels good to be sleeping in a familiar bed, with my lil gurl sleeping soundly beside me. I'm gonna miss my best friends much, miss the idea of living in M with all the lights, the shopping and the craziest group. For a moment there in the past two weeks, I was kinda contemplating of making the big move.

Afterall, the offer is still there. The opportunity is still alive. And the little reasons why I loved it there always keep popping up. Like, my love-hate relationship with M traffic, the chaos, the noise, the starbucks and gb nights.. the people!!

Missing the place and a lot of people (including you), But you know, G, you're right. I change my mind.

There's nothing in this world better than home sweet home.♥

Out of Reach. Out of Touch.

The craziest thing I ever did for love was to build my world around one person and still feel the same kind, the same amount, the same everything of love even if I saw my world falling apart.

I was walking down A Avenue, trying to find the elusive mooncake and I found myself actually missing this chaotic city I once called my home. I have always been a fan of late night walks and walking and walking on this avenue on an almost lonely Monday night made me realize that the crazy things I once did happened for a reason.

Just like all the other things that I inadvertently blurt out, all the other decisions that I've chosen, and all the other reasons and situations I create are purely accidents and, well, case in point, insensitive.

And I actually, really feel bad.

Someone once told me that I was so out of reach, mainly because I always have my own world. And for the past two three four weeks, I have been told the exact same lines by geographically, philosophically, insanely different people.

And I admit, I find it so hard to really digest those words.
But I know, it's the truth too.

Maybe I am just that one lone star in the sky, meant to be blinking alone for the rest of eternity. Not because no other stars beside or not even the moon or sun can shine with it. But most probably because the star just can't stop shining for anyone else other than the earth.

Or for the reason that it just couldn't shine for anything more.

Out of reach. Out of touch.

Have you ever found yourself doing crazy things for this thing they call love?

Sucks.