Thank You for August

August is a month of celebrations. For this brief moment in a year, I hold my reality in this state of fleeting abeyance and allow myself to savor every happy, raucous, chaotic days of eating sweets, drinking wine and spending both time and money in pampering thyself. (oh.no.)

Few days ago, I crossed into the third decade with the most unexpected beautiful surprises. The transition into this new phase has been fairly kind and a great deal awesome! The birthday well wishes started pouring in the last week of July and trickled well into the middle of this month. There was one surprise after another, and if I had known 30 is being this loved, I would have jumped and skyrocketed into this year!

So, I am ready for this next stage in my life and I am ,this year, yet again thankful for so many things:

* for my daughter who has grown into this amazing little lady. She has never failed to surprise me with her thoughtfulness, her sweetness and her lovable nature. She has also come to understand the many changes we have been encountering and we have both found ourselves in the middle of something new and beautiful.

* for my job, that never fails to surprise me with reasons why I keep doing this daily grind (and keeping a steady heart when I feel like throwing the towel in). I am mostly thankful for the people I work with. I am lucky to belong in a group where there is harmony and genuine caring. 

* for my family who has always been my number one support core. For always loving me and little girl, wholeheartedly and unconditionally. For celebrating our milestones and filling our transitions with so much love and happiness. I am thankful for this family who has held it together -- after all the storms and the hurdles, we have been blessed to find ourselves loving each other stronger than before.

* for my friends who have taken time to make me feel wonderful and loved, not just in this special occasion but for all the other days in between

* for M, who is the biggest surprise in my life. I am grateful to find our paths crossing at the least expected moment, and for making me feel this loved and special. I am thankful for the everyday I spend with him, for the many stories we tell, for the laughter that we share and for the fact that I find myself being this happy. 

I am thankful for God has provided me with a well-lived 20s, and has ushered in a new decade in such style and love! I am thankful for the so many answered prayers, for the little things that make us happy, and for the everyday that we get to live and find ourselves being able to love again, for hoping and having this unwavering faith that yes, life can indeed be beautiful.

Today, little girl is celebrating her 6th birthday, and the celebrations continue and will continue well into the coming weeks.

Thank you Lord, and dear friends for this wonderful chance of being able to do things in Your Grace.

Free Falling

I like someone.

And he likes me back.

Although it may not be IT, but it is something.

And for the first time, in such a crazy long time, I actually feel......

* that I am capable of loving another person other than my little girl.

And my immediate family.

And my closest friends.

* that the world is actually really colorful (LOL) and not just black and white

* that I am capable of truly discarding every ounce of bitterness left inside

* that there is a possibility of me actually free falling in love with someone... well, concrete.

So, most days recently, I find myself.......

*grinning

*being thankful for the days in between

*happy, loved, better

But in nights like tonight, I also find myself thinking about many things at once.

Taking in the reigns of caution and throwing most stars in the eyes to the wind.

Maybe, I am trying to rationalize so many feelings at once. Or maybe just putting a logical chain to my otherwise illogical heart.

And I get to think of my fears and apprehensions;

of my expectations and/or his.

of the options and considerations;

Maybe just something to burst this bubble and maybe, curb the emotions a bit.

But you know, I am not rushing.

We aren't rushing.

So there is no need to qualify things right away.

I have been alone for six years, four months and two days to waste all those days of contemplation with just another mistake.

But mistake or not, 

I will no longer deprive myself of feeling this happy.

And I will not stop myself from falling for someone who MAYBE can actually truly love me (like this) 

and who MAYBE i can actually truly love (like that)

So, I promise, to take it one day at a time.

One conversation at a time.

One happy moment at a time.

And allow myself to, not free fall, but maybe, if I am lucky, to fall in love. 

with someone who is truly a mountain at my back.

Thank you, God, for second chances in life.

Moms Vote

Being a mother is a choice we can make in a lifetime.

Some of us become birth mothers by circumstance, as I have become; some of us are thrust into the responsibility of motherhood without so much a thought or a warning.

But most women rise to meet the challenge of this world called Motherhood.

And as we stand up to the challenge, we become Mothers, in the true essence of the word; because, we become Mothers only by conscious choice.

In that moment of decision, we take that commitment to put our child before ourselves;

We actively make a choice to become not just birth mothers, but also nurturers and protectors for a lifetime.

Mothers are complicated creatures;

We are made of steel but with arms soft enough to give warm hugs. We are often the small constant voice in a household; but most likely the only word being listened to.  We are strict but fair; the sometimes annoying but mostly well-loved;

As mothers, we take in all the work that we can, burning the midnight candle to earn a living, and to provide for the basic needs of a child; Yet we also create time for bedtime stories and homework; 

We wake up early to put quick breakfast on mornings yet linger to talk about the day ahead ; we save for the rainy days so we can watch our kids sleep soundly at night, yet we can spare a peso for that extra scoop of gelato;

We make decisions in a blink of an eye, but out from a well-thought out plan. We think with a million reasons, yet we listen closely to what our hearts say. 

We keep order in the house, but find days of chaos-- of unkempt rooms with toys and books scattered, allowable.

Mothers are made of opposite poles, amazingly merged into compromise and understanding. We are complicated, but really, just quite simple.

Mothers are thinkers, more than emotional; we are foremost, creatures of reason. We think more than we feel; but we are not unfeeling. 

We fight for what is right and what is due, but we are often drawn to peace and harmony.

This weekend, the whole nation is in a pandemonium over the May 2013 elections. 

And as the cosmos would have it, it falls just a day short of Mothers’ Day.

So this year, as a mother, I will celebrate Mothers’ Day by casting my vote and choosing a leader who can be the voice of mothers: of women, and of children. 

As we enter the voting precincts and choose our leaders, remember to be a Mother.

Remember to choose a leader:

·         who will protect our children; to keep them from harm, abuse and exploitation; 

·         who will be able to fight for better health care: accessible and available to all;

·         who believes that women have the right for the basic reproductive and maternal health care;

·          who will fight for the rights of us women against discrimination and violence;

·         who will fight for our children to have the basic education;  to be able to learn and understand; to be able to reason and become our future learned leaders;

·         who will put our country, our interest and our children’s interest first;

·         who will understand and truly represent the voice of this marginalized sector.

This Monday, let us be the Mothers of our country.

Let’s choose wisely so our children can keep the freedom that we enjoy today.

Don’t sell your vote.

Make a conscious choice.

FREEDOM.

Wasting Time on Family

Unproductive.

I brought home a mountain of work the other night, hoping to cut some of my backlog by half. And as I sit here watching the sun set on this humid afternoon, the mountain pile of work remained untouched.

Un-turned.
Ignored.

And you know what, I think I'm just screwed.

But I'm still here, writing these words away; Staring at my manifesto; trying to write more chapters of the story that seems to be more difficult to pen each day;

And thinking: I loved how I spent today.

I loved that I was able to clear the clutter in Coco's workplace, wrote letters, drew pictures and painted flowers and skies with the little girl, played with her dolls and managed to whip some afternoon treats for her too.

Tonight, we promised to read the new book we bought and I will find the time to listen to her opinion about so many, so so many random things.

Now as I wait for the little girl to get her bath stuff together, I manage to squeeze in a few words here-- and a few more into the project I am still trying to finish. And I wonder if we get weekends in between work days-- one day reprieves like today, would banking days become more bearable?

I guess so. I believe so.

And I hope that we get to have weekends in between work days every now and then. Maybe squeeze all the work in four days-- and get three day weekends all the time, every week. I think of the so many things that I need to do, to accomplish, or words to write or read and I keep on wondering how my days would accommodate all and everything.

And I keep thinking that Little girl is growing up so fast, and I get scared that I will miss these kind of days. Maybe miss moments when she would do something incredible for the first time.

Sometimes I wake up to just watch her sleep. Or I just watch her in the middle of our conversations or painting sessions and I sit in amazement how time truly flies.

Tomorrow, when I wake up, she may already be off to university. with me just lounging in my beach chair, watching the sun set in a quiet, lazy beach town somewhere far.

So I tell her every moment that I can that I love her, and tell her of our dreams; listen to her I love you Mom's and her dreams and we hug each other just because we feel every moment together is just simply special. Because maybe one day, we'd both be too busy already that we might let one day go without a hello.

Can it be? I shudder just thinking of the possibility.

Whilst cleaning her work area this morning, I found her drawing in her Critical Thinking Workbook. And I found a picture of the both of us-- stick figures with long hairs and huge grins and words scribbled beside, describing the characteristics of the members of the family.

She wrote there, at the bottom, her name and an explanation that this is her family (Mommy and Me) and the one thing she described us was: Happy.

And you know what?

I feel like I've done the right thing, wasting so much time lazing with this little girl-- creating moments that she lovingly calls "our time".

And I feel like my unfounded fears of before, that this little one will find our "family" lacking, are now eons away.

I've never been so glad that I'm wrong.

Thank you, Heaven.

JOHARI and the things people think they know better

The beauty of living in transparency is that you leave no skeletons in your closet.

I have always been a public person. In as much as I wanted a share of exclusivity and privacy, belonging to an extended family leaves little room for such.

When my mother passed on, we moved to my grandmother's house where some of my dad's siblings (and their respective families) also lived. It was a big house, so it seems everyone created their own space to create some sense of independence. 

In the course of the many years after, we moved from this house and on to universities and eventually settled into the world of adulthood. My sister flew somewhere far to work and build a life of her own, and I guess have literally flung herself worlds away from where I am.

I, on the other hand, returned to the big house but fortunately, have also flung myself worlds away from the world I used to live in. 

I grew up. I matured. I saw things differently.

I feel like now, I am the person who went out of the cave and returned, and saw things in a different way.

Because I grew up living in a world where everybody (who thinks they're somebody) has a say in the way I dress, act, think or even speak and everyone seems to have an opinion of sorts, I don't mind hearing a variety of opinion.

So the other side of living in transparency is allowing people to label you with so many things -- palatable or otherwise.

I used to think that what people say about me are reflections of who I am-- the part in the JOHARI window which others can see, with which I cannot.

I used to think that some of these things they hurl at me are reflections of what I am as a person-- the part where I REFUSE to think I am not.

I used to think that I am the cause of their actions towards me; that I am the reason for all the crap they say. That maybe, after listening to years of their bad opinion, I felt like I have become the very bad opinion they say.

But over the years, I learned to choose my battles. I looked at the things they have to say about me, sift through the load of crap and end up with a realization that what ever comes out from their mouths, are not reflections of me. BUT reflections of who THEY ARE.

I am NOT the cause of the horrible things coming out of their mouths; they are THEIR words. They are THEIR actions. NOT MINE. so these things are the very core of their souls.

What the JOHARI window forgets to spell out to these kinda folks, is that whatever that comes out of their mouths, are the very parts of their being that THEY refuse to acknowledge.

I am not perfect, I don't claim to be. Though I try hard to be better. I try to do things the right way. I try to raise my daughter without the negativity.

I try to live my days without the heavy baggage of issues and to live each day with and for my daughter.

I used to think that because I have the right to opine, I have the right to say ANYTHING-- hurtful or otherwise. However, over the years, I learned that it isn't necessary to say hurtful things, despite the anger we feel. or the frustration. or in their case, the bitterness.

That it is always better to be the one who has nice things to say, even if others haven't.

It's always better to be on the better side of reasoning. Always better to be kind, even if others are not.

But sometimes, you just feel like, 'hey, I've had enough of your crap!'

So my dear tita X,

I don't know why you have so many bad things to say about me. But I sincerely hope you have a happy life. And that you're happy with what you're doing. Good Luck. 

With Love-- Your most hated niece,

Jell

And with that, I resolve to never shed a single tear more for these folks who refuse to be any better. Because, frankly, I am a whole lot better than they are.

And even if I have a million more crap to say about them, I won't. Because I don't even want to give them the benefit of a time wasted.

On Bended Knees

I have been away for some time -- traded my writing with stressful customer service communications.
Traded my me time with work; my tired days with the same sleepless nights.

But today, I am back again.

To continue where I have left off.
To push through the difficult days.
To come back to my first love of writing.

I stared at my notepad for a really long time, feeling as if I have lost the ability to catch words and form them into thoughts. Or thoughts and form them into ideas.

I have seemingly felt myself grasping in thin air, asking myself if I still have things to write about.
If I have moments maybe worth talking to myself with.

I start with reflections.
And then unfinished projects and correspondence.

And as I slowly typed my way to the end of the project I have been shelving for quite some time now, I realized that I am happiest when I am in the company of my thoughts.

(Apart from being with my daughter, of course)

And in the company of these beautiful words.

In this quiet moment with my self, I empty my mind with the worries that inhabit my life for days no end.
I empty my heart with the questions I never run out asking. I sit here with a quiet resolve -- to just write and feel the words in my finger tips.

And watch them become the thoughts I fear to think about. Or ideas I refuse to look squarely in the eye.

The four-day holiday is ending today. The Holy Week was spent in our town's church -- me and little one in prayer or in part of the local church activities.

I have never really been keen in attending these religious programs-- partly because I never believed in dogma. But as a Catholic, I have always been prayerful. And I believe in the power of my faith.

So this year, I wholeheartedly set aside my personal criticisms of age old tradition and focused on my quiet relationship with my God, my redeemer and my friend. I brought my little girl along, not to force her into the local folk's tradition, but also to experience the beauty there is in believing in Christ and the Mother.

For four days, we attended mass and said our prayers.
We fasted and participated in the events organized by the church.

And I did so with all the willingness I have, and am glad to find little girl happy with her budding relationship with God and the Mother, and her deeper sense of faith.

Today, I rest my worries with Christ.
And I rest my questions in His Hands.

I will quiet this noise in my head, because there are things in this life that are beyond my understanding.
And are beyond my control.

I should just sit back and watch the wonders unfold.

A few more months before i hit my 3.0. mark-- but I will be at peace with where I am.

Jumbled

Few things happened last Friday:

1. I got my targets for this year. I haven't seen the official numbers yet but I accept that the figures are exactly as they are, without changes.

2. I saw/crossed paths with my daughter's s donor (though he denies this vehemently) for the first time in almost six years.

3. I went on a pseudo-date.

4. I've gotten beautiful news that keep us hoping that things will eventually fall into place.

For most of the items above, my initial reaction was disbelief. Because frankly, I have no idea where the hell I'd get even half of those accounts to meet the targets and to see donor up close is quite unexpected.

So, as it seems to naturally happen, I have been in a daze the past days. The gloomy weather matches my apprehension for the year's goals and my need to laze in bed for some time.

But as the days rolled out, I get to stop and think and think some more.

The more I think about these things, the more I seem to understand how things happen at the right exact moments (not a day earlier or a day later), or why they happened (insert ten thousand reasons here); and then, finally, i get to reiterate to myself that all these worries about a number of things would always come to sort themselves out in a matter of time.

So last night, after a really long day and a glass of red wine, I slept a good slumber. And threw my worries in the air. I reminded myself that Tomorrow will be a better day, and tomorrow, I shall know what to do.

And true enough, I woke up (not with solutions or answers but) with a new resolve:

* to visit my developers more often (than the time I spent last year)

* accredit more projects

* forget the idea that donor will Man Up and at least look at me (I believe he should have at least looked at me see for himself -- I don't know what, but I feeeel that he should have met me in the eye)

* laugh at the memory of it 

* should not over analyze things (and emotions) emanating from a pseudo date, because(afterall)  it IS just a kind of date and liking someone is an entirely different planet from dating someone or going out for dinner..

Today, I put those resolutions into action.

I visited most of my developers; requested their support and listened to what they need from me and find some ways for me to fine tune the kind of process that I already have to maximize efficiency (LOL, seriously!). 

I understood that the crossing paths won't be the last and that it's usually only the first encounter that may seem to feel weird. So, I told myself to get over it.

I know that whatever comes from these going out/hanging out/whatever, I wouldn't try to figure. I have ten million issues that I need to resolve with myself first anyway. I need to come to terms with so many things, including but not limited to: commitment, loyalty or even understanding.

All I know, that with all of the above, as my good friends tell me, I should NEVER just settle. I should do the best and have the best.

So tonight, I will amend my power word and integrate BEST in the simplicity mantra I have been repeating to myself since day one.

Now, it the power word/s is BEST SIMPLICITY or SIMPLY (the) BEST. lol sounds like an outdated commercial ad!

Today though, despite the fever and crazy work appointments, I had lunch with RVN.



Happy thoughts.

Raindrops

It's been raining almost every day and every night for the past week, and as much as I love hearing the raindrops before I lose myself in my dreams, I kind of wished for a warmer sleep tonight.

Because I miss sitting out just to watch the stars, to feel the cool evening breeze against my skin and to whisper wishes to the night sky.;
Because I miss wearing shorts to sleep (LOL - been stuck wearing pajamas and doubled pairs of socks because little one loves to still put the AC on High);
Because I miss the silence of a sleepy town, as it collects itself from a pseudo-busy and uneventful day;

Or maybe, because of the incessant rains lately, I have more melancholic thoughts occupying my mind.

Despite these sad-like thoughts, I have always loved the rain.
Even if it gets my toes wet; and makes my knee hurt.

Rain has always struck me as romantic, (or tragic, thus romantic)--
It reminds me of walks under the rain with H, the one who got away; (and the fact that until now, I never found myself walking under the rain, with any other man)

It reminds me of that one rainy night, I decided not to show up at the coffee shop because I was too scared.

(scared of so many things and of the so many questions)

as comforting--

It reminds me of the days spent in hair salons and coffee shops with girl friends;
It reminds me philosophical conversations with strangers, over warm mugs of coffee;
It reminds me of my warm bed and the warm hugs I get from my little munchkin;

as enlightening--
It reminds me of the rainy afternoon when I understood that things have their own way of happening, besides my own planned version; And that the universe's version of things falling into place is better than my so-called master plan.

And finally, rain has always struck me as a sign of all things promising--
It reminds me of this one night recently, when I, amazingly, surprisingly, realized that I may have come to like someone. Period, without a but, or maybe or if. Just that.

And I don't really care if he likes me back. or if there is something to look forward to. or all of the other things that can complicate the right now.

It's like standing in the rain, just feeling the drops on you. And you just stand there, for the moment. Not thinking about yesterday. or the things you need to do or forgot to do. or about tomorrow.

And just thinking about that, tonight's rain make me smile.

I hope you're having a warm, rainy night tonight :)

Nightmares

Woke up from a nightmare. And as I couldn't get back to sleep anymore, I tried surfing and writing a bit of material. I ended up here (trying to write something). -- with a few words and a million thoughts swimming.

When it's raining outside, and the morning is too cold to allow us to move early, I always end up settled in this old couch with a mug of hot chocolate I hastily made for warmth and comfort. As I sit here, read some emails and wondered about a number of things, I see the framed photographs of little girl from day 1 to today, and the gloomy mood seems to have easily lifted.

My little girl, in all her laughter and coziness, is my constant source of happiness. 

She is, after all, the unconditional love that I have been gifted.

The world is such a lonely place without people to love and care for; and it's a much lonelier place without people loving you back.

And perhaps, I am lucky enough to be not in that kind of nightmare.

Better thoughts to squelch the depressing thoughts from the depressing dream.

I hope you're having a better Thursday :)

Of Chaos and Simplicity

Over a slice of cold pie and a freshly brewed coffee, I listened to my best friend lament about her "past quarter life crisis".

She has these all sorts of fears dangling from every corner of her world and she has enumerated ten thousand different things, and I heard only a few dressed in my own opinion:

Afraid to stop;

Afraid to be normal and boring;

Afraid to be make mistakes and not be able to UNDO things;

Afraid to stay at one place;

Afraid to like the stuff that I do (the normal and the boring);

Afraid to have so many things the world is offering;

Which can be translated into and deduced into the following:

A. Afraid to understand that she deserves all these great shit that go into the package of entering the third decade.

B. Normal, Boring and Monotonous are the evil synonyms of simplicity, purity, and tranquility.

C. When all the noise has died down, the greatest argument that we need to settle score with is the silence of our hearts and the silence of our dreams.

I can't help but smile as I listen to her. Yes, her fears are real. They shake her to the core too. But I feel that whatever fears that have her chained into this 29th year and 11th hour of her crossroads, she has already managed to chain, spar with and won over.

She knows, deep in her heart, that despite the conventional set-up of things, hers would always have a mark of the free-spirited, the passionate and the insight of the learned. And that (surprise, surprise!!) it is possible to merge the kind of world that I see with the kind of world that she envisions.

Sometimes, it's not really about choosing one from the other; or choosing to be bound or to be free. Because, as I have learned from my endless search for things beyond what IS, things can live in harmony despite the polarity of points.

And things have their way of finding their equilibrium in spite of the chaos of all that there is.

I never really put a lot of thought into this year when we turn into 30th avenue of existence. Although, I admit that I also kinda felt the pressure there.

But contrary to all the plans and the kind of life she pictured, I figured, I still want mine to be boring, monotonous and normal. (Really!)

Seriously.

I feel that I have had so much drama during the first quarter of my life. I think a little boredom (no, a little more of the boredom that I have now) will tame the wild wind and the endless noise in me. And I also feel that with the kind of predictability, I am saving myself from a number pains, tears and a whole crap-load of drama.

So I told her that the next 30 years of my existence will be built around a few tenets in life. And to start it off, this year has claimed one power word:

Simplicity.

In everything that I would do, I would plan and strive for, I will only reap the simplicity of everything. I will take all the add-ons and exchange them for the purity of the days, the ideas, the emotions.

For the past five years, my daily mantra is Let Go.

Let go of all the fears.

let go of all the pain.

the doubts.

the plans.

the worries.

And instead, let things flow. (And Let God.)

And so after my Let Go for the number of X years, this year will start off with Simplicity.

As such, I have redefined most of my aspirations to be as above.

Simple, without all the complications my mind and my heart would always come up with.

What's your year's power word?

KEEP CALM AND MEDITATE- Coco Style :) .