Happy Birthday, Ma.

It was my mom's birthday yesterday. Coco and I woke up early to go to church and light a candle for her. It's been 18 years since she passed away but I've never really gotten used to the fact that she's really gone. I don't think you'd ever get over losing a mother. I don't really remember much of her, cuz she passed away when I was still young. But I could remember vividly the bits and pieces that I could.

Now that I am older, those bits and pieces fit the whole puzzle and a bigger picture was built. I got to know my mom based on what I originally perceived her to be. And I got to know her through the pictures me and Corie have. When we were little, I remember asking my dad stories about mom. It was our way of coping with her death. But I remember him shutting himself in his room for hours, and days. And I really couldn't remember anything he told us about her except that she was a good woman. Well, that was his own way of coping.

I still think about things being different if she were alive. Cuz I still miss her. And now that I have Coco, I want my daughter to learn more about her grandmother too. And her passing away always reminds me that we are all transits in this lifetime. We all get to pass once and we don't really know at what station we'd get off. So it's always better to make the most of anything. Every year, her birthday reminds me of the things we should be thankful for.

With the short time I spent with her, she has taught me everything a mother should know and taught me everything a woman should be. Like what D said, I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be.

I miss you mom, I know you're happy now. You'd be happy to know that me and Corie have grown to be better persons. Know that you will always be loved and that you are missed every single day.

We reap what we sow.

It was the first day of this year's sweet corn harvest. And despite the gloomy climate forecast for the year, the yield is double the expected. Need not saying that God must have heard our plea for a better harvest this time, I felt that my stars have aligned. And when Coco goes with my deliveries, I usually sell everything at a very good price. Everything sold out too. Indeed, she has always been my lucky charm.

As I count my sales for the day and the little coins that will go back to the working capital, I finally heave a sigh of relief that this year is going to be better. I really hope it's gonna be a better year for all of us. And as I teach Coco the value of savings, and hard work, I am amazed at how quickly she picks up.

I grew up blessed, with my relatives never failing to give me the right support that I need. But contrary to what most people believe in, I did not grow up being spoon fed, much more with a silver spoon. I work hard for what I think what is duly mine, and I work hard for what I have now. And I really want Coco to grow up this way too.

And I see that in Coco, yes, at an early age of two. My little girl is not greedy. She knows that one is enough, and she understands the value of money. She already knows how to choose between what is necessity and what is luxury. She has had her share of tantrums and 'I want this mom' but she never wants anything more than one. She also understands: We don't have money now, for that Co.

When I got home last night, I saw Coco playing cashier in a grocery store. She exclaims that she's the owner and that everything is for sale at FOUR HUNDRED. She instructs her yaya to push her grocery cart and pay for the cereals. When her yaya tried to haggle for the prices, she haggled back. I couldn't help grinning like crazy, and flashing a thumbs up to my lil one. Haggle back for a really good price. And she smiled and said: the coins will go to her piggy.

And as we close our shop today, she tells me, it was a good day to sell sweet corn. :D

I agree Cocobear. It was a good day. Another one tomorrow! And it's gonna be a great year for us working hard and working more.

Day 1: Farm

We went home to a sumptuous lunch yesterday, with Ninuy J's Kare-kare and version of Pinakbet. M brought her version of sansrival and my Coco showed off her toys to lola and Lola chattering over and over that we should have visited her relatives in Davao. Then Sunday felt so complete and the family lunch was the weekend's crowning glory and the perfect ending to a really good weekend.

Coco went on her first roadtrip..


Day 1 of the trip went OK, with only an hour from the city, Coco handled the drive really well. Sleeping most of the way, we got to the farm before she even asked for her first Papap of the day.

Stayed a night at there, chased raindrops and chickens and discovered guinea pigs and yellow flowers. Like my little girl, the farm will always hold a special place in my heart. With soft singing of the wind, and the quiet murmurs of the river below, it was good to be home.











Coco brought a lot of energy for the weekend get away, spent her days counting, singing and laughing with her equally mischievous cousin K. I brought a lot of ideas for work and writing, brought my notebook for a possible phrase or two even, but ended up laughing and playing with my little gurls the whole time.

Ginamos, pistachios and a lot of stories kept the farm day really far from stress. Day 1 of the road trip just started.

Coming Home

I woke up early today: much earlier than I wanted. It would have been nicer to stay in bed until breakfast, and give these joints a much needed rest. But I guess, writing never seems to leave my system. And writing stories and articles in the middle of the night has always been my habit. Always been the best time to pound words away. And i would bet, that this will have to stay.

I never really dreamed of becoming a writer, but as I grew older, I figured that I really wanna be a writer. the real one, with the published books and all. Where my work could get better and people would get to read what I think. And believe in what I believe in. But until the day that I find what it is that I am searching for, as long as I haven't really found what it is that I am searching within, the book will never be finished. nor even begun. The words are there, all above me, with a few within my reach but the whole picture hasn't been painted yet.

Thus, everyday, i dream of the house by the lake, where I could one day write my very moving book. I dream of the little boat and the red swing and the humming of the trees. I dream of the quiet life, with a dash of contentment and a sporadic dose of adventure and fun. I am like this, I crave for change but I always retreat to the solitude of home.

Do you know that I finally found home in this little city of mine? I finally found peace with my decision to come back here, because now, I get to wake up and not wish to go back to the big city. I guess, I am a farm girl by heart. and a small town girl forever. I yearned to be in the big city, where the cars, the pollution, the fashion, and the high life are. But after all has been done, after all the shopping, I decide that I always find home in my bukid..

Two years ago, I did not think this possible. But today, I know, with all honesty and with all sincerity, it really is. With my little girl by my side, baking cookies and cakes, chasing cats and chickens on weekends. Peppering my days with writing, Barney, banking and some more. I figured, the good life is here.

Yes, it is. So Come home.

Welcome Metal Tiger!

I had super fun today. It was the usual family Sunday Lunch, and as we gathered round the table, we had only light, positive and happy conversations. They were equally happy for me, and all are happily positive about the Metal Tiger. Much more than Vday, our family gathered to "celebrate" the coming of the Metal Tiger. This year, we feel that it's gonna be a good one. The year of metal tiger is marked by heightened senses- so we should be observant of our environment and spot opportunities in an instant, should be met with cunning and hard work, and most of all, it is marked by great success stories.

And as the Year of the Ox bids us goodbye, we welcomed the Metal Tiger with hard work to encourage cash inflow, a lot of cooking for a healthy and bountiful year, a lot of laughter to invite happiness into our home and yes, wonderful stories to mark the beginning of a fruitful year.

Two days ago, we got a fax from one of the renowned Chinese Store in our city. It was a list of forecasts for the Year of the Metal Tiger. Mine simply said: SURPRISE YEAR. With a good career flow, love life (?) and a money windfall. POSITIVE year for me, but marked with digestive ailments. And so, my dear friends, I am now more conscious to log in more working hours for all my jobs (writing, official bank, agency, farming-and baking too) and to avoid carbonated drinks, to eat more leafy vegetables and to get enough sleep. :D

It's always hard to create the perfect healthy dish for me, and most especially for Coco. Since there are almost a thousand things my daughter could not eat, finding a way to give her something tasty and something healthy is almost a gargantuan task.

But today, I discovered the best spice for my steak. And for tonight's hearts day dinner with my little one, I prepared well done steak with salsa on the side. :D And I credit this perfect recipe to lifestyle's healthy appetite. Apart from the balsamic vinegar with which I had to take out cuz of its ingredient: Soy sauce, everything from the show's recipe was quite great.

Red wine and some moldy cheese, I think I got myself a perfect red day dinner. And tje most important thing here, is that wonderful and healthy dishes can be created without soy, nuts or anything Coco could not eat.
***
Simone turned two and a half yesterday, and everyday, she's looking more like me (don't argue) and she's slowly growing to be a beautiful lady.

Flair for Drama. My Simone at 2.5

Yellow Roses, carrot cupcakes on hearts day

Coco turned 2 and a half today. And so we decided to celebrate. I baked her carrot cinnamon cupcakes with cute lil carrot candies on top and lil hearts to acknowledge Hearts day too. Got ice cream cones for the quezo real and made some salad- it kinda feels like her birthday already.



For the first time in sooo many years, I don't dread Vday anymore. lol. I figured, I have always placed my personal happiness on the hands of some other person. Always have had expectations of one kind and found myself being disappointed one event after another. Always have been dependent on the existence of some significant other. Always had. But recently, I realized that I can live for myself and by myself. And I have stopped having expectations simply because I feel at peace with being alone. I guess this is cuz I have found the unconditional love that I have been searching year in and year out. I found it in motherhood; I found it in my little girl's tight hugs. And this time around, I feel it is enough.

It's not true that man live alone. If my memory serves me right, Rousseau thought that we are social beings and that we live by being with other people. We thrive because of other people's existence. But I know that we do not exist because of others. We live because of ourselves alone. But we live for others too.

It is the paradox of man. We strive to live on our own, by ourselves, for ourselves yet we constantly come home to someone, or to a group of people we would like to call family. Because we only feel complete when someone very special comes to share everything with us.

But for now, we make do with baking cupcakes and scattering bouquets of yellow roses around the house. Sigh. It's a lovely sight, with the sunshine shining through, hearts day is actually pretty.

Happy Hearts Day everyone, we single parents also have a space on this couples only day. LOL.

Thank you, God.

As I was cleaning my desk and preparing to go home, my phone rang. I answered without the intention to fully listen to what G, our team secretary, is gonna say. But in the middle of the gibberish, she told me something that I have been dying to hear in ages! And I told her, "don't joke G, Please make sure cuz I'm really about to jump!!"

And she replied "You don't sound happy"

I said; "I'm scared to be happy, are you sure about this? Cuz if you are, I really am gonna scream."

And G said, with laughter in her voice: "You can be happy now"

And so I screamed. And I thanked her. And thanked T- who also got the same news. Screamed with D and T and screamed some more. And I texted my boss. With which he replied: "What Good News?" LOL.

Me, T and D got the same good news. And I couldn't remember feeling this happy in my whole stint in the bank. I am so happy, I forgot that I was already going home. We had our string of congratulations, and you guys deserve it, and finally's!! And as the excitement slowly died down, I found myself immersed in amazement of how God answers our prayers.

I sent a number of people text messages informing them of the good news. And as I moved my way onto the busy Friday Night Cafe crowd, waiting for my usual cab, I said a silent prayer of thanks. God has never left me, and has never let me down. AND He has always given me what is rightfully mine in the best time, in His time. I asked for a clearer sign to which road I should take, and he has given me answer that could not be any clearer than this. And I could only say: Thank you, God. Thank you.

I have never doubted the power of prayer, because God has taken me and my Coco in when no one else in the world would. When I found myself alone in EDSA, on that one night my dreams fell apart, only God walked with me from EDSA to Baywalk then back to my place. Only God stuck with me when all my tears have run dry and even crying would not take my pain away. Only God and my sister has given me the support that I would ever need to get back on my feet.

Only God understands my pains, knows the emptiness inside me and provides answers to my never-ending questions. SIGH. I woke up so early today to start writing before I go to church. And as I gaze at my little girl, to whom all my hardwork is for, I could not help but cry. Tears of joy, I am sure.

This is my first victory, and this is for my God who never fails to amaze me, for my daughter Coco who has made me a whole new better person and for my sister, who has never left my side. And of course, for you Ma, who has been my source of solace all the way from heaven.

There is a reason why it's called the devil wears Prada

Gossip, controversy and issues have always followed me like a stray cat following a lead. Ever since I was a child, I knew I was not some ordinary person. Humility aside, I knew my life is meant to be complicated. That's why it is this colorful. That's why you are so freakin glued. And so, even if I am not some worthy actress deserving of such attention, I am surrounded by people who just can't keep their tongues from wagging and their mouths from gossiping. And of course, among the headlines and the top topics for discussion is yours truly.

GOSSIP. Makes the world go round. Or at least, that's what most workplaces's got tucked underneath. It has taken over most of our waking moments and has occupied most of our lunch breaks, restroom breaks and even coffee breaks. Where has etiquette gone?

It doesn't surprise me, in fact, I've always kinda expected that. LOL. But for heaven's sake, should you talk about me, talk about facts! Take down notes, speak about reality, or at least, hold conversations similar to the truth. Making false accusations and harsh judgments are really deductions of a pea-sized brain and an even smaller ego. SHAME ON YOU!

If you do not like me, there is a greater chance that I don't even care about you. I am pretty nice if you are pretty nice to me too. And I can keep my head buried in my transactions until I've had enough your taunting. Please, do not wait for me to get up and smack the little bee on the forehead. It certainly ain't a pretty sight. If you have been campaigning against me, thank you. I have never imagined I am worth such a waste of time.

Just make sure that one day, when I have had enough of this BS and I come up to you, make sure you fight me head on. Because I will make it my personal mission to crush the insect to the ground. When I begin to open my mouth, you will not like what you will hear. And if you scare me by blackmailing me by some FU fiction you got somewhere, surprise surprise, I got a few skeletons of yours tucked in my lil Chanel purse.

Good Night Mr Moon, it was a lovely day until that moment. When I rise to greet Mr. Sun tomorrow and smell my freshly baked carrot cinnamons and chocolate moists, I hope the wagging has ended and people has gone back to minding their own business.

Otherwise, it's gonna be the red heels in a prada suit.

Where God wants me to be

I am where I am and I will be where I will be, where God wants me to be.

After the papers and stones, and signs and clues, and the pros and cons, it is still a draw. The most difficult parts in life's journey are the crossroads, wherein you have to decide which way to take. With only the hope in your heart that it is the road less traveled, we move on to take one path. I haven't made a decision yet. As I am still nearing the intersection, I feel like I am almost losing gas and my wipers aren't working best. And that nagging feeling that I might not make the best decision when I hit the path, is well, scary.

I sat for hours, asking myself if it isn't what I wanted. No, it's more of asking myself why i don't seem to want it. When logically, it was a sound offer. An ALMOST assurance that I will provide for Coco's real school expenses, household expenses, almost a comfortable life. But, it will be the same banana on a different ship. Would the moolah really make the move worth it?

If I stayed, would I be able to provide Coco the best in the years to come? If I moved, would my career growth become faster? Would I have the chance to move up or find the same excuses like the ones in my old ship?

Sometimes, things become so frustrating. BUT I have my faith in my God. That He knows more about my future than I do with my present. With that as the only reason why I am able to sleep soundly at night, I remind myself that God will lead me to the right path, set up signs along the way and tow my truck when I run out of gas or get stuck on a puddle.

God, you have led me and walked with me this far, help me find the right path where I could provide my daughter only the best. If it is a choice between my happiness and personal advancement and my Coco's well being and future, I will always give up the earlier, without a second of doubt. I just need good help to discern which is which.

If this isn't love, I don't know what Love is.

It's funny that no matter how tired we are, when we see the little girl's face light up and feel her warm embrace, we always find more time and more energy to do more things. Tonight when I got home, with my office bag, notebook and cake cardboard boxes in tow, my little girl's arms came flying to give me the warmest and tightest embrace. And I know, with my Coco in my life, it ought to be enough. It ought to be complete.

When I am sad, I write. When I am worried, I clean the room over and over. When I am resolved to feel better and lighter and happier, I bake. And so for the past days, I baked and baked and baked. and wrote and wrote and wrote. I do this when my head is too cluttered with a lot of things and I feel like things are just too hazy for me understand. Sometimes, I just wanna cry. And I wish I could tell myself that it's alright to feel this worst. But since I don't want to wail and cry or admit that I also take bullets and feel the pain, I made carrot cinnamon cakes and chocolate moists. And I spent my nights painting and drawing with Coco. And watching Barney too.

She made me a litlle card you know. With a heart and small circles and big circles. And she made me draw Barney with a heart and flowers on the inside. And she said, help me write my name mom. And don't forget: I love you, Mommie on top. AWWW...





If this isn't love, I don't know what love is.

If I could freeze the moment and keep it in a locket, I'd bring it everywhere so i would be reminded that there is this one little person who loves me purely, unconditionally, whole heartedly. .. And for this, I believe in hearts day.

When the night is deep and the noises have died down, I only pray that I will be a good mom to Coco and be all that a parent should be. For my childhood and hers, I think and I pray that I would be.

Baked Spaghetti and Grilled Garlic Chicken for the sad heart

Tonight, I baked Coco some good spaghetti and made grilled garlic chicken on the side. Since my little gurl couldn't eat the usual mushroom sauce on top, I made it with fresh non-fat milk. It was still good, but you know something is missing. Three hours after chopping, mixing, cooking and baking, dinner was ready. She was sitting in her usual place, napkin on one hand, her fruitina juice on the other. When I took out the baked spag from the oven, she grinned her award winning grin and told me She's super hungry.

I told her, it's not super great, that I think there is something kulang.. but she went on to help herself a spoonful and raised two thumbs up. And no matter how tired I was, trying to fix a perfect dish, I felt like i've just made some award winning dish. lol

If you're having a bad day, a bad week or a bad month, try whipping up comfort food to make you feel better.

Baked Spaghetti and Twists

Olive Oil
Half kg ground meat
A kilo spaghetti noodles
2 huge packs tomato and cheese
1 small tomato sauce
half block cheddar cheese
a stalk of broccoli and some potato halves, diced finely
onion, garlic, and salt to taste
three cups non-fat milk
cornstarch to thicken (two tablespoons)
dash of Parmesan cheese and some good loving

Sautee onion and garlic, with ground meat
Add the vegetables and some of the white pepper and garlic powder
Mix well with the tomato and cheese and tomato sauce,
Include some good stories and hearty laughter
Allow the sauce to simmer and grate the cheddar onto the mixture
Mix thoroughly and
Dash a bit of salt and a grin or two
Add the drained pasta and allow the sauce and pasta to mix
Set the pasta onto your baking pan
Top with the milk/white sauce mixture and parmesan cheese
Set your oven at a good enough temperature, cover with a bit of hope
Bake for half an hour, with a small prayer and quiet patience

I'm far from being the perfect cook, but my dishes are quite edible :D My Coco loves them! I guess, our world isn't a perfect one. But in the eyes of one person or two, it is. Let's not stop thinking that one day, we'll understand its perfection through non-rose coloured glasses.

Tonight i learned that everything happens because they are meant to. Even if we primarily think a step was a mistake. Wait a little longer, a few more minutes or so. I realized I should always remember that we are all worth the wait. I am worth the wait. SIGH.

Comfort food for the needing-comfort heart. Never fails. Enjoy the dish everyone. It is best if served with a lot of happy thoughts, a lot of hope and oh, don't forget lots of ice.

Of fortune telling and destiny.

I wish I could say I never believed in tarot card readings or plain panghuhula. I wish I could say I make my own destiny and the future unfolds, only as I see it. BUT I couldn't. Over the years of my existence, I never sought these manghuhulas or fortune tellers. I never sought them out or craved for them like a fish out of water. But they find me like the evening find its way after the sunset. And I am enamored, and their words would keep playing in my head that I feel like it's me doing a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Years ago, my cousin and I went to this fortune teller in the outskirts of Laguna. We went there because my tita bumped into him and told her of our fortunes. Because we are mostly curious, and partly naive, we went to seek him out. When we found him, we were like moths driven to the light. Yet once inside, we wanted to run. I wanted to run. And not hear our future, lest it's not something we agree on. But we stayed, I stayed. Like children stuck on a candy store window, we pressed our noses closer to the candy jars to fully see what lies beyond the glass panes.

And i saw mine. And now I remember clearly that the fortune teller told me what's gonna happen at least two years down the road. And now that my two years already played out, with the scenes taking place just as he said, i remember clearly.

Last year I told you about the fortune teller I met accidentally. And yes, she told me everything that happened years ago, and told what's gonna happen years down the road. Much isn't clear, partly because she speaks as if in riddles. Now that I am in the middle of everything, I remember her choice of words. And I think she is right.
I find everything she says in the decisions that I make, the emotions that I feel, the strange reactions I give and the crazy circumstances that I find myself into.

And i keep my eyes shut, and ask my Personal Saviour, my path that I should choose. Is it so bad to have this timely gift of friendly fortune tellers? I have often worked my way and ventured my way finding signs. I have always sought them out. Now that I am feeling lost by the minute. or sadder by the second, the signs escape me. And her words vibrate like church bells in the middle of the night.

I know what I should do. It's the most logical thing to do so. But is it worth it? That, my friends, I would leave to destiny. Signs. Or no signs. Fortune teller or otherwise.

Goofin with my gurls. during audit. LOL

Finally, the week is almost over and weekend is just about to start :D We had our audit this week. It was not as difficult as I expected but it was equally draining. This week, i resolved to think only of happy thoughts. And so, i will no longer expound on the others. D brought her macbook to work yesterday. And we spent most of our lunch break hammin it up. I love my gurls :D Only happy thoughts :D