Jumbled

Few things happened last Friday:

1. I got my targets for this year. I haven't seen the official numbers yet but I accept that the figures are exactly as they are, without changes.

2. I saw/crossed paths with my daughter's s donor (though he denies this vehemently) for the first time in almost six years.

3. I went on a pseudo-date.

4. I've gotten beautiful news that keep us hoping that things will eventually fall into place.

For most of the items above, my initial reaction was disbelief. Because frankly, I have no idea where the hell I'd get even half of those accounts to meet the targets and to see donor up close is quite unexpected.

So, as it seems to naturally happen, I have been in a daze the past days. The gloomy weather matches my apprehension for the year's goals and my need to laze in bed for some time.

But as the days rolled out, I get to stop and think and think some more.

The more I think about these things, the more I seem to understand how things happen at the right exact moments (not a day earlier or a day later), or why they happened (insert ten thousand reasons here); and then, finally, i get to reiterate to myself that all these worries about a number of things would always come to sort themselves out in a matter of time.

So last night, after a really long day and a glass of red wine, I slept a good slumber. And threw my worries in the air. I reminded myself that Tomorrow will be a better day, and tomorrow, I shall know what to do.

And true enough, I woke up (not with solutions or answers but) with a new resolve:

* to visit my developers more often (than the time I spent last year)

* accredit more projects

* forget the idea that donor will Man Up and at least look at me (I believe he should have at least looked at me see for himself -- I don't know what, but I feeeel that he should have met me in the eye)

* laugh at the memory of it 

* should not over analyze things (and emotions) emanating from a pseudo date, because(afterall)  it IS just a kind of date and liking someone is an entirely different planet from dating someone or going out for dinner..

Today, I put those resolutions into action.

I visited most of my developers; requested their support and listened to what they need from me and find some ways for me to fine tune the kind of process that I already have to maximize efficiency (LOL, seriously!). 

I understood that the crossing paths won't be the last and that it's usually only the first encounter that may seem to feel weird. So, I told myself to get over it.

I know that whatever comes from these going out/hanging out/whatever, I wouldn't try to figure. I have ten million issues that I need to resolve with myself first anyway. I need to come to terms with so many things, including but not limited to: commitment, loyalty or even understanding.

All I know, that with all of the above, as my good friends tell me, I should NEVER just settle. I should do the best and have the best.

So tonight, I will amend my power word and integrate BEST in the simplicity mantra I have been repeating to myself since day one.

Now, it the power word/s is BEST SIMPLICITY or SIMPLY (the) BEST. lol sounds like an outdated commercial ad!

Today though, despite the fever and crazy work appointments, I had lunch with RVN.



Happy thoughts.

Raindrops

It's been raining almost every day and every night for the past week, and as much as I love hearing the raindrops before I lose myself in my dreams, I kind of wished for a warmer sleep tonight.

Because I miss sitting out just to watch the stars, to feel the cool evening breeze against my skin and to whisper wishes to the night sky.;
Because I miss wearing shorts to sleep (LOL - been stuck wearing pajamas and doubled pairs of socks because little one loves to still put the AC on High);
Because I miss the silence of a sleepy town, as it collects itself from a pseudo-busy and uneventful day;

Or maybe, because of the incessant rains lately, I have more melancholic thoughts occupying my mind.

Despite these sad-like thoughts, I have always loved the rain.
Even if it gets my toes wet; and makes my knee hurt.

Rain has always struck me as romantic, (or tragic, thus romantic)--
It reminds me of walks under the rain with H, the one who got away; (and the fact that until now, I never found myself walking under the rain, with any other man)

It reminds me of that one rainy night, I decided not to show up at the coffee shop because I was too scared.

(scared of so many things and of the so many questions)

as comforting--

It reminds me of the days spent in hair salons and coffee shops with girl friends;
It reminds me philosophical conversations with strangers, over warm mugs of coffee;
It reminds me of my warm bed and the warm hugs I get from my little munchkin;

as enlightening--
It reminds me of the rainy afternoon when I understood that things have their own way of happening, besides my own planned version; And that the universe's version of things falling into place is better than my so-called master plan.

And finally, rain has always struck me as a sign of all things promising--
It reminds me of this one night recently, when I, amazingly, surprisingly, realized that I may have come to like someone. Period, without a but, or maybe or if. Just that.

And I don't really care if he likes me back. or if there is something to look forward to. or all of the other things that can complicate the right now.

It's like standing in the rain, just feeling the drops on you. And you just stand there, for the moment. Not thinking about yesterday. or the things you need to do or forgot to do. or about tomorrow.

And just thinking about that, tonight's rain make me smile.

I hope you're having a warm, rainy night tonight :)

Nightmares

Woke up from a nightmare. And as I couldn't get back to sleep anymore, I tried surfing and writing a bit of material. I ended up here (trying to write something). -- with a few words and a million thoughts swimming.

When it's raining outside, and the morning is too cold to allow us to move early, I always end up settled in this old couch with a mug of hot chocolate I hastily made for warmth and comfort. As I sit here, read some emails and wondered about a number of things, I see the framed photographs of little girl from day 1 to today, and the gloomy mood seems to have easily lifted.

My little girl, in all her laughter and coziness, is my constant source of happiness. 

She is, after all, the unconditional love that I have been gifted.

The world is such a lonely place without people to love and care for; and it's a much lonelier place without people loving you back.

And perhaps, I am lucky enough to be not in that kind of nightmare.

Better thoughts to squelch the depressing thoughts from the depressing dream.

I hope you're having a better Thursday :)

Of Chaos and Simplicity

Over a slice of cold pie and a freshly brewed coffee, I listened to my best friend lament about her "past quarter life crisis".

She has these all sorts of fears dangling from every corner of her world and she has enumerated ten thousand different things, and I heard only a few dressed in my own opinion:

Afraid to stop;

Afraid to be normal and boring;

Afraid to be make mistakes and not be able to UNDO things;

Afraid to stay at one place;

Afraid to like the stuff that I do (the normal and the boring);

Afraid to have so many things the world is offering;

Which can be translated into and deduced into the following:

A. Afraid to understand that she deserves all these great shit that go into the package of entering the third decade.

B. Normal, Boring and Monotonous are the evil synonyms of simplicity, purity, and tranquility.

C. When all the noise has died down, the greatest argument that we need to settle score with is the silence of our hearts and the silence of our dreams.

I can't help but smile as I listen to her. Yes, her fears are real. They shake her to the core too. But I feel that whatever fears that have her chained into this 29th year and 11th hour of her crossroads, she has already managed to chain, spar with and won over.

She knows, deep in her heart, that despite the conventional set-up of things, hers would always have a mark of the free-spirited, the passionate and the insight of the learned. And that (surprise, surprise!!) it is possible to merge the kind of world that I see with the kind of world that she envisions.

Sometimes, it's not really about choosing one from the other; or choosing to be bound or to be free. Because, as I have learned from my endless search for things beyond what IS, things can live in harmony despite the polarity of points.

And things have their way of finding their equilibrium in spite of the chaos of all that there is.

I never really put a lot of thought into this year when we turn into 30th avenue of existence. Although, I admit that I also kinda felt the pressure there.

But contrary to all the plans and the kind of life she pictured, I figured, I still want mine to be boring, monotonous and normal. (Really!)

Seriously.

I feel that I have had so much drama during the first quarter of my life. I think a little boredom (no, a little more of the boredom that I have now) will tame the wild wind and the endless noise in me. And I also feel that with the kind of predictability, I am saving myself from a number pains, tears and a whole crap-load of drama.

So I told her that the next 30 years of my existence will be built around a few tenets in life. And to start it off, this year has claimed one power word:

Simplicity.

In everything that I would do, I would plan and strive for, I will only reap the simplicity of everything. I will take all the add-ons and exchange them for the purity of the days, the ideas, the emotions.

For the past five years, my daily mantra is Let Go.

Let go of all the fears.

let go of all the pain.

the doubts.

the plans.

the worries.

And instead, let things flow. (And Let God.)

And so after my Let Go for the number of X years, this year will start off with Simplicity.

As such, I have redefined most of my aspirations to be as above.

Simple, without all the complications my mind and my heart would always come up with.

What's your year's power word?

KEEP CALM AND MEDITATE- Coco Style :) .