Holiday Bum.

It's good to be back working late nights again. I kinda fried my brain sleeping day in and day out. Spent the day running around with Coco, picking up scattered toys, fixing foodies, running errands, baking cupcakes,nursing coco's fever and sleepinnnggg. And oh, don't forget holiday binge eating.

I've been a full time mom since the holidays started. Woke up early to fix breakfast and slept early after bedtime stories. Was on FB most of the day,Watched Barney, Dora and Barbie the whole day,pretended to be Santa and a mermaid with Coco and Christy in a span of an hour, barked: "stop it, get down, enough, no more, go to sleep" over and over for like the whole day, i totally feel exhausted.

Yet I am still awake, at this happy hour, and I am eternally grateful that my brain is a hundred percent un-sleepy. I need to work. My mind needs to write. And catch up on my articles. And then, I feel un-tired. More like, leaning on to "productive" :) The whole of December was a slow month for me, partly cuz of the festive atmosphere and partly cuz the bank job took a lot of my time. And now, I resolve to log in more hours into writing.

This is when I feel guilty for sleeping too much. Eating too much. and FB-ing too much. Sedentary for x number of days, and I swear I will totally fry. Tonight, I promise to work longer hours and write more articles. I promise to not eat too much or sleep too much. I resolve to do more in an hour... and the list goes on. I know. I needed that sleep. I could feel my body giving in to dreamland days after the last banking day of the week. But still. I KNOW.

Coco is sleeping beside me as I typed away the first few words of my first batch of articles. And I feel like a better mom if I play with her all day and work all night. Feels like I'm doing the right stuff. Seriously.

I mean, if the world has made me a single mom, I guess it's because I'll know no other way to live my life. When God decided to give me this challenge and responsibility, He whispered U Could DO IT. It amazes me, that this particular lifestyle was the top of my worry list on the onset of pregnancy. I was worried I could not work and be both mom and dad to Coco, and play at the same time. But right now, I feel like I am cut out for this. AND I can hear my little one snoring and sleepily telling me: Ure the best Ma. And so, I shall be.

If i had become a normal, plain housewife, with the picket fence, cupcakes and PTA meetings, would you think I'd play the role to the hilt? lol. i shudder to think.

Christmas Cleaning.

I spent most of last night cleaning out my closet. And i found lots of wardrobe that needs to be disposed of. Given away. Thrown out. And found lots that I've been looking for since like forever. And I found another one full of clothes I haven't even used.

Have you ever found yourself binge shopping for clothes and stuff only to find out you look stupid in them? I got lots of those. Shopping has always been my therapeutic friend. It has always been my solace during depression. Like a pain reliever, shopping has given me similar several doses of morphines and valiums and made all those pain, sadness, depressing thoughts go away. The fact that I've got closets full of useless stuff proves that I've gathered a number of those moments. LOL. Would it mean that since I forgot to do any good shopping this year, I am a whole lot happier?

I would hope so.

I forgot to get myself anything this Christmas. I realized it when i found I didn't have anything new for the Christmas Eve mass. And suddenly figured out that I only have about a few pairs of new shoes this year. As a shoe addict, that's like big ray of light to overcoming the addiction. But the question is, do I really wanna get over it?

I'm much happier this year, i must admit. I don't have that negative cloud hanging over me, following me wherever I go. My good friend Van told me that I have come out much stronger than I have hoped for. This year, I've realized that moving on with life is a choice we all have to make. And the path that we choose on how to do it is dependent upon our personal reasons and goals. I chose mine to follow DABDA. Not consciously choosing, but fortunately going through it step by step. Denial. Anger. Bitterness. Depression. and Finally Acceptance.

It took me almost three years to do it. And finally, as the year 2009 closes, I know I have accepted things. And I have truly moved on. And in the process, became a better person. I owe it mostly to Coco and my personal relationship with God, my saviour. I owe it to my sister and family. I owe it to my support group, of my crazy girls and close friends. And I owe it to writing.

Without these I would have still been a wreck. A lost sheep who'd never be able to find her way back. Without my Coco, I would have still been direction-less and empty.

This year, I didn't make any wishlist. Simply because for the first time in my whole life, I feel like I have everything I need. The wants I made up for the christmas parties were all mundane but necessary: stockings for work, hand sanitizers, hand lotions, a pack of chocolates, coin purse to hold my endless coins, and the only one left: new earphones for my ipod. Ten days before the year will end, I tried making a new wishlist, just for the heck of it. But I ended up making my blessings list.

Ten days before Christmas, i got what I wished for. I got the call i've been waiting for, and the break i've always wanted. And I found Coco having a grand time at her first school Christmas party and realized she has learned the values of sharing, honesty, patience and thoughtfulness. She has understood team work and leadership and most importantly, winning and having fun. I got my writing jobs. And the fast realization that it's what I really do best. And the fact that I'm doing what I love to do and earning from it, makes it a whoooollleee lot greater.
Corie flying to Canada and fulfilling goal no. 1 is a good blessing. :) The rest of the gang flying out makes the whole new perspective taking place faster. And lastly, for the friends I have earned this year, the old ones that I have always treasured and the ones that I haven't met yet: my life is simply better with your presence.

Indeed, 2009 was great. But 2010 will be life-changing better :)

Hula. Destiny. Power of Prayer.

Just around the bend, you'll find Christmas morning and mistletoes hovering above. Now, it certainly smells like Christmas Blend brewing at every room. I still haven't really fully felt the holidays coming, until today when I couldn't get my presents gift wrapped. You would not believe the number of people rushing to get gifts, lining up for gift wraps and last minute shopping! And i thought it's a difficult year for the Pinoys. YET sll stalls are packed, most boutiques aren't even on Sale. And people clamoring to get to the cashier sure is a refreshing sight for our weakening economy.

I guess, no matter how streched our pinoy budgets can be, there will always be room for small trinkets and carefully wrapped presents under our trees. It's never really the shopping rush that keeps people coming back for more. But I'd place my bet that it's that one smile you're anticipating come 25 morning.

I know for sure that it's what I'm looking forward to. :)

My 2009 was such a bumpy ride. It was still kinda rough at the start. But I had sooo many unexpected pleasant surprises at some turns and I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. And we all get to think, how carefully planned out our year was by the only ONE who knows our lives past, present and future. And then, I think about the HULA. and I place X marks on the few revelations that have somehow manifested. And I place ?s on those that I still feel skeptical about. Do you believe in fate? Do you even believe that things happen because they're meant to? I do now. I understand now. And I know that the next big shift will happen partly cuz it's meant to. But because really, the universe has heard my little heart wanting this so much that it has conspired to make it happen.

I am a part of one big play. And we are all part of one big, elaborate plan of our Maker. And we all have sonnets to recite, have lines to memorize and have moments worth raising curtains for and we all deserve standing ovations from our crowd. And as tragedy lures us into addiction, we find the next upward turn of the world. And then we all get to understand the past. the present. And eventually, we learn to embrace the future. Like little pearls scattered all around the room, one string making it all happen, making them all onto one long Moulin Rouge neck piece.

Few more shut eyes and we'd all be crossing over to 2010. Don't you just feel that it's gonna be a better year ahead??

Cross your fingers, squint your eyes. Don't forget the safety belts. It's gonna be another one award winning master piece.

Coming Home

I came back from the Cebu trip really exhausted. But then saw Coco's face as I was coming out of the car, I have never seen anyone light up that way for me. Never seen anyone anticipate my arrival so much! I wanted to cry. Cry cuz i'm overwhelmingly happy. Cry cuz I realize I really missed my Coco. I wanna Cry cuz I wanted to run from the garage to Coco's arms! Talk about drama. But it's true. I really seriously felt that way. And i've never felt so proud to be where I am right now.

When she saw the laptop, she couldn't stopped grinning. And she kept jumping up and down and shouting YEY! YEY! and before I can say let's wrap it up to put under the tree, she started asking if she could use it already. And so, i did let her. And chose the dora outfit as her christmas day present instead.

And you know what's better too? She exclaimed that she'd share her new toys with Christy and Ate Kelly. AND I beam more. My little girl is far from being a self-centered kiddo. And at two, who would believe she thinks about her playmates everytime.

One day, when you'll have a little girl like Coco, you'll understand the feeling. :) And you'll really understand why everything has happened. And how we all get to have the greatest rewards at the end of a really tiring day or week.

Thanks Cocobelle :) I'm really glad you love the presents. I hope you know Mommy loves you more than anyone ever could.

Because I Will it to be, it IS.

I don't like the feeling. I was half surprised of how I reacted and it took a bit of time to sink in. Or am I just being paranoid again? Like an emptiness pushed back into the recesses, it creeps up slowly. Only it transformed into more like of paranoia. no, anxiety. Anxoius about a lot of things that are possible. Anxious of what are the little could bes in the next years that is gonna be downright scary.

And I know, it's like being scared of being not in control again. Like bursting the bubble I have created around me. Like a few more steps, and it would be outside my comfort zone. Like finding a little hole in the fortress I have built. Like rocking our little boat, even though the water is calm as an old man sitting on the beachfront.

I know, a lot of you would think that stepping out of the box and onto what's beyond that high fence, is the only way to have a normal life. Normal in the sense that, it is going to lived to the fullest.

But how can I?

When you have gone through most of what I have, I think you might also consider building things again with a big shield around the things you value most. I know. But this is how I am. And I don't like the feeling- that infinite possibility that it might be. I like building my world like I want it to be. Please, i just don't want any kind of trouble. Nor I don't want any more of those hurts. It's not good. It's not nice. It's downright depressing.

I know, I'm just missing Coco. 1 more night, I'll be on my way back to my little one. Found the dora stuffs and the mike that she wanted. But her Lola Mommie keeps reminding me of finding her nice pajamas that will fit her. And i got her the laptop she always wanted.. :D So excited to see her grinning face on Christmas morning...

Next time I have these bouts of stupid anxiety again, I should remind myself of my
little darling and our little world.

IT IS BOUND TO BE PERFECT. SIMPLY BECAUSE I WANT IT TO BE.

Wake Me Up in 5 Hours.

This morning, I hopped into my cab, carrying my dance outfit, notebook and a lot of research material, with hair barely combed, flying another kiss to my little one and managing to say a small prayer of thanks to our God and I asked myself if all my mornings will be always be like this.

And I answered by ending my day just like the other nights.

I'm super tired. My eyes already sting and my joints ache like crazy. But i still couldn't sleep. Cuz I have like, a dozen articles, the first three chapters of a thesis, and tons of reports needed for the business planning due by Friday and weekend. I am really, absolutely tired. And almost in a panic. I don't really know how I could all finish them, all I know is just that I really have to. And I really badly want to.

Have you ever wished a day would consist more than 24 hours? and a week more than 7? Have you ever wondered if our bodies would constantly run on adrenaline and would only require rest for a maximum of two hours? Have you ever wondered what things you could do or places you could see then? Have you ever wondered if playing with your little girl a few hours a week, read her stories a few minutes each night, sing her lullabies a few moments every single day would ever be enough?

Have you ever thought about just sitting down with a cup of coffee, watching the sun rise and thinking about how lovely the morning is? I know I badly need to sleep. My bed feels empty for a really long time already. But I'm too worried I might over sleep and miss the deadline I set for myself. And I think i'm constantly hopping on from one thing to another I almost forget that I also need to stop for a moment and watch the lil green tea I planted has grown into a shrub. I need to seriously take a rest.

Coco has no more fever, and has already fallen asleep when I got home. BUT She woke up to greet me hello and I asked her how her day went. And she regaled me with stories and a yawn. My lil gurl is slowly growing before my very eyes. And with all the worrying that I do, and all the work that I try to finish, I ask myself, what if one day I'll be already bringing her to pre-school? Now I don't want the days to fly super fast anymore.

She said: Let's go to sleep na mom, and went on to say goodnight to her anak and dora. Before closing her eyes, and kissing me goodnight, she tells me in a matter of fact way, kantahi ko ma. And i did. Rock a bye Baby, lalala... I hope this will rock me to sleep as well.

Good night world. Wake me up in 5 hours please.

Roller coaster ride.

WEIRD COUPLE.

For the first time since I heard the show started on prime time, I stumbled upon PBB's weird episode last night. It was about courtship: Weird guy falls for weird girl. Weird guy asks big brother for a chance to speak with weird girl. And they equally fall for each other before the glaring audience. It was funny, that's why it's refreshing and different. It wasn't the usual super pa-cute. But it was still cute. In an un-corny, well not too corny, kinda way.

BABY.

Yesterday afternoon, my pregnant officemate, M, suddenly broke the Monday silence and routine by exclaiming: My water bag broke. And the office almost came to a panic. Calmly, she stood up and dialed her husband's number and her yayas at home to let them know of the news and she told us that she's gonna be having her baby girl like right now.It was just a matter of seconds when we helped her collect her things, said encouraging words, kissed her good luck and whispered congratulations then she was off to the hospital- which is just 3 minutes away. It was my first time to witness a water bag breaking. Cuz mine didn't break. LOL. Or if it had, i'm sure it did, I was too sedated I couldn't have possibly noticed it. My other officemate, T, cried. She cried cuz she knows it's hard to be in labor. And she cried cuz that feeling of pure happiness is there, right then. And maybe she cried cuz she also knows how it feels like to give birth. M was exceptionally calm, yes she was a bit anxious and was a bit flushed when things literally broke the silence, but she was outstandingly calm! D exclaims that she would have been in a frenzy, no in a panic attack if it were her.

But you know that feeling? A baby on Christmas is just absolutely perfect. It was happiness in every Christmas-y kinda way!

COCO.

After a long practice of the MJ dance, I came home to Coco feeling a bit feverish. Spent the long night checking on her temperature, just to make sure it wouldn't reach panic levels. And thank God, it didn't. I still gave her ice baths when it reached 39. But it was just once, and she slept soundly after that. She woke me up this morning really early and told me her fever is gone. I turned to check and I know it's still a bit there. But she didn't look weak or sick. And it made me thank the heavens more. My little girl has g6PD: Glucose 6-Phosphate Deficiency. And she has special needs. Meaning, she has a lot of things to avoid, food and medicine in particular. IT's not an allergy which she could get over as she grows old. It's not a disease as well that would require therapy or medications. It is a deficiency, with a life time avoidance of food like soy, peanuts, mint, legumes, and beans. And she needs to avoid, menthol, camphor and moth balls. This condition would make any mother become paranoid. It would make any mother take an obsessive compulsive mode when it comes to things her child would come in contact with. Good thing with Coco, she knows how to say it's bawal. And she says it with conviction that you would be ashamed to insist on giving it to her.

CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

I got a really nice pair of steve maddens and a bag of coffeebeans in the mail yesterday. And you would not believe how happy, how ecstatic I had been receiving that package. It was super like Christmas morning already! Thank you. You know who you are. Thanks for the dora too- Coco loved it. And for always being there for me. Year in and Year out. It's just awesome. :D


***
Last night, I told myself as I started falling asleep, that no matter how crammed my days and nights are, there is always room for blessings. and unexpected giddiness too. And a lot of that happy people that I am blessed to have around me. Thank God for a rough yet super good 2008. I'm sure my 2009 is gonna be a better one. I just feel it.

What does the moon hold and keep?

Coco and I went stargazing last night. Actually, it was more of moon gazing since it was the biggest full moon we've both ever seen. On top of the hood, we sat there and just trying to make little conversations about why the moon is far, what gifts we want for Christmas, what we wish for and what kind of food do reindeers eat when they fly from the moon and back... I know I kinda told her Santa lives in the moon. And we tried counting the little stars we could see in between tree leaves and eating jelly ace all the while.

I've never gone stargazing in my whole life. I mean, if i ever had, i should have probably remembered such a thing right? It was like, clear sky, christmas air, full moon, christmas lights all around... something like, the most magical moment ever. No exaggeration. No cheeziness either. My lil daughter asked me a gazillion questions about the stars, and sang a hundred more twinkle twinkles until we both decided it's time to head back to our room.

And i felt like, for a moment, the world actually stood still to listen to what my little kid has to say. And what my little heart whispered...

I know, there are a lot of questions, you and me would ask on nights like those. Me and my kiddo don't have that perfect kinda life. I sure as hell don't have that, but you know, at that exact moment, I felt like we could fill our lives with little perfect moments. To make our lives, a one big compilation of perfection.

But for a change, I didn't come back from my quick stargazing stint, full of realizations. Sometimes, trying to analyze things that you already understand is just pointless. And that night, I felt okay not thinking about things, not scrutinizing situations or playing conversations in my head over and over. Like reading between the lines or painting words in shades I don't really see.

As i've read in my friend Bea's status: "When I don't say a word, it means there's a monologue going on in my head." And it's true. But this time, there's just no monologue going on. Not even as I am writing things down here.

Just as it is. And i'm fine with it. I think. LOL.

It is true, the moon holds our questions and locks our wishes away. But she doesn't reveal to us what we want to know. The moon holds back the answers that we seek. So we can find them ourselves in this place we call a lot of things.

It's like Smoking. I've quit it already.

I'm supposed to be writing about the seamaster chrono already. But I'm still writing on my blog cuz I feel like I need to write more. I feel like I need to write what I have to figure out. And it's killing me cuz I still couldn't figure a lot of things out.

Have you ever had those nights when you get to ask a lot of questions, map out resolutions, and plot some reasons and you still turn out empty handed? This is one of those nights. No. Not really. I'm not thinking at all. Just feeling. And I'm starting to feel, well, weird? And this, hands down, falls into the category of the shittiest days ever.

The agony is this one. Figuring things you cannot really figure. Sorting emotions you cannot really comprehend. Feeling a rainbow of emotions you can't really justify or rationalize. But then again, whoever said emotions can be quantified and labeled and analyzed? This. and This. don't go together. Like the one in Original Sin. In Message in a bottle. In Jerry Maguire. In Meet Joe Black. It sucks.

But we're right, love is like smoking. It's dangerous, cancerous and addictive. But we just can't really quit it. Haha I just had to say that here. It's a gooooood realization. :D

This is the outcome of a long weekend of classic cheezy sappy movie marathon. GRRR.
Seamaster time. Seriously.

Just in time for breakfast.

i'm flying to Cebu next weekend, for the annual business planning. And for the longest weeks, I couldn't even get myself to be a bit excited about it. I'm a little worried cuz I wouldn't be able to bring my lil one with me, though I'd be leaving her with good company here. I'm worried that she wouldn't be okay cuz I wouldn't be there to constantly check on her for two days. I'm worried that she might eat something that's bawal. I'm worried that she couldn't sleep at night cuz I couldn't sing her rock a bye baby. I'm worried that she'd be playing too much she'd get asthma attacks. I'm worried she might have tantrums. I'm worried that she'll miss me. Or that she wouldn't understand why I wouldn't come home after a day's work. I'm worried about me. cuz i know i'd be missing her sorely!

And I wonder if I'd be able to sleep at night when she's not beside me. Or when I couldn't sing her rock a bye until she falls asleep. And I wonder if she'll be able to eat her dinner or breakfast if i'm not there to make sandwhiches or even try cooking her favorite meals. And I wonder if she'd ever take a bath or go to the restroom by herself or would she allow the yayas to take her poops with duckie. I'm worried sick about missing her that I think I'd cry my eyes out the moment the plane leaves and land in Cebu. I know it. I just do. Cuz thinking about these now, I already miss her.

Coco is the love of my life. the center of my universe. the joy i keep in my heart. I don't know if she knows it. But she is seriously, really my life. And as cheezy as it may sound, i would be seriously lost without her.

I started telling her about the trip months and months ago so she'd be able to understand that I'd be leaving for a few days for work. And she knows where I'm going, cuz she's been there. And everytime i remind her that I'd be going to ride the plane, she always makes these sad puppy eyes and pout and says: byaan ko nimu? Breaks my heart over and over. And I say my lines over and over: No. Mommy needs to work in Cebu for two days only. And she smiles when she hears the word pasalubong. And goes on to say her wish list. I promise i'll search the whole of Ayala for that neat doctor stuff and dora dvd. She already got the mike :)

Then my good friend Van pops into my screen and tells me she'd be in Cebu the same week. And for old times' coffee and food and talk and laughter and tears, I suddenly become excited to fly to Cebu. (And makes me rethink of bringing Coco along). And i tell myself, the two day stint will fly fast. After a few rounds of kwentos and tears (for sure), I'll be flying in really early sunday morning to come home to Coco, just in time for breakfast.

Thank You for choosing to be on the side of me.

I stumbled upon Corrinne May and discovered this one good song: On the Side of Me.
For now, I couldn't shake it off, kept playing in my playlist, kept playing in my head. She mostly sums up my life. Sums up the variety of emotions i've gone through.

...........Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
When its cold outside
And there's no place to go
Yeah, everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
But you......

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you. you've opened your heart
To show me what I'm worth
Cause you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me.........

It's the kind of song that you listen to one early, gloomy, rainy, morning.. and makes you think how blessed you have been.

The endless conversations. The hugs.

For feeling angry when I'm too weak and sad to be even mad. For feeling happy when i'm too overwhelmed to feel that lil happiness. For making me realize that life doesn't end.

For the hope. For the good times. For the bad ones. For taking the time to ask how I am. For making me feel that yes, I am not alone. For making me realize that no matter what, I'd always have a friend in you.

Thanks for sticking by me, you've made my roughest years easy.

When Coco Says the Craziest Things

Coco woke me up early this morning and exclaims that I’ve overslept again. Overslept and missed the early morning Sunday mass. She tells me this as if she’s the mom and I’m the daughter. And she says it with much conviction, and with a perfect imitation to my “I’m already exasperated and mad” look, that I couldn’t help but smile in my half asleep state. BUT this fully wakes me up from my 2 hour slumber.

Our conversations would usually go like two mini adults talking, no baby talk just pure and honest conversations between really point-driven individuals. She has her own opinion and she has her preferences, and she doesn’t blink an eye when she tells you honestly what you need to hear. I have about a hundred funny moments with her saying too frank stuff that causes others to be embarrassed but mostly, I have about a few (okay, a lot) that leaves me rolling my eyes.

1. Coco on my cooking skills:

This morning she insisted I cook her early breakfast. And informs me that she needs to eat now, her teddies (she calls them mga anak) are already hungry.

Coco: Ma, gutom na ko (Ma, I’m hungry already). Gutom na ako mga anak.
Me: Unsa imu gusto kaunun for breakfast? (What do you want to eat for breakfast?)
Coco: Unsa man imu kaya lutuon?? (What can you cook??)

And with this, I reached for a can of tuna and some eggs. I CAN cook breakfast.

2. On finding the right pair of shoes:

A month or so ago, we were searching for the perfect pair of shoes for her to wear at Tita Hana’s wedding. I insisted on something glittery so she could wear it with her other dresses. And she says she won’t wear something that hideous.

Me: Let’s buy this Co, it will look good on you.
Coco: Dili ko ganahan ug gold. Kakulba ana, kapangit.
Me: It’s nice, it’s like your dora gladiators, they’re gold too.
Coco: I Know.
Me: Good, so let’s get this one, It will look good on your other dresses too.
Coco: I’m not wearing the other dresses to the wedding. This wouldn’t look good on the wedding dress. (In her original version: Dili man ang uban na dress ako gamitun sa wedding. Dili ni bagay sa ako wedding dress)

And with this, we got her the peach one, with a nice big ribbon. At least we both agreed that ribbon is the way to go.

3. On Losing Weight:

Last week, I came home with a piece of tuna pie for my little one. As promised, I gave her the pie’s half and told her to eat the other half in the morning.

Coco: Nganu tunga ra? (Why only half?)
Me: Cuz you’re already big na, your tummy is big already
Coco: Oh? Nganu ikaw one whole man, ako half ra?

I’m telling you, my tummy is NOT that big…

4. On beauty and plastic surgery:

Coco: Ma, nagpalit ka ug liug? (Ma, did you buy a NECK?)
Me: HA?
Coco: Liug bah. Kai wala koy liug, palit nalang ta liug. (Neck. Cuz I don’t have one, pointing to her double chin, let’s buy neck nalang)

Yes. Blank stare. And a whole hour of laughter.

5. On finding the right guy.
Coco never really cared if the family pictures don’t consist of the usual family tree. She seems to understand that it’s mostly me and her. And tita Corie and the whole Lolo and Lola, Titas and Titos line up. But this one morning she asked me if I’d ever start looking for someone-anyone in my life.

Coco: Ma, ngita ka ug uhmmm?
Me: No. Nganu man?
Coco: Nganu man dili?
Me: Kai di mana gapangitaun. You and me are okay right?
Coco: Yeah. Pero if dili ka mangita, makakita kaha ka?

What the??? Where does she get these lines? I never taught her anything even remotely referring to my love life. Or lack of it. And she drops series of bombs and ending it with: Kakulba gud ana, Ma.

Talk about kids saying the most bizarre things. Have a small chit chat with my little one and you’ll roll over with her simple humor and straight to the point hard facts. Sometimes, I get to think, this little girl named Coco is actually my twin, my soulmate, my alter ego- trapped in a two-year-old’s body. Yes, she just turned two!

A bit of that falling star

Imagine the wishes!

Mayenne told me about the meteor shower that's happening tonight. Was super thrilled to even think about the possibility of seeing a falling, uhm, star that I rushed to see if maybe I could catch a glimpse of even just one. or yes, a few! Cold, scared, who cares? It is bound to be simply awesome :)

My good friend rafa is somewhere in our old place, wearing off that ICs coffee and waitin for the shower to begin. As he recounted some old LB stuff we did: Jackson Nights. LOL. Okrayan blues. The Walking along Grove. Thoooose. We both wished for another round of good ol LB dose. Oh. One wish! And then we decided now is a real good time to reach for the stars, and make that long awaited wishlist.

So here goes:

* a few cents and a cup of coffee at tordesillas, at isis, at bos. at wherever, with good friends and good music.
* a really good conversation. to tell you honestly why it is like this. then maybe.
* a few movie tickets to watch some good films.
* more weekend getaways for Corie and Ting- with or without me and Cocogurl! (lol) more more more funnn :)
* a bit of chimara and slow death with joanne and art.
* more writing jobs. more knock knocks. better year ahead.
* a chance to take Coco, Vanilla and Baby Bop out for one really fun weekend. without work. worries. or watchamacallits.
* some bit of that...
* and some more craziness with the whole gang.
* a slice of mudcake.
* a pretty head band... and a good hair day.

could ask for more. but will stick to these for a bit cuz some good things are just around the corner. with meteor shower shining down, we already know the wishes our little hearts make up every single night. Take a coin and ride the train that will take you there. Some days flowers grow from concrete. And rains don't come when we're expecting it. It's just the way our lives are supposed to be.

Wish and wish and wish for a whole lot more. And you'll see the good things right at your side. Meteor shower or one falling star, we get the idea.

Happy wishing guys. :)

Big Miracles. Small Miracles.

I badly need a miracle. Life Changing Mind Boggling Miracle.

Today was a heavy day for me. And as I sat there listening, I found my heart sighing and almost breaking. It's hard for me to not empathize. And it is harder for me to break away from the emotions too. I know, there is good in it, as there is always good in everything that happens. And as I say this to the people I spoke with, I tried convincing myself the same.

I don't want this heavy feeling. I don't want to be this sad or affected either. And so I think of snapping out of it and remember my usual day savers: Thank God for small Miracles.

Sometimes, we get too caught up in our own predicaments, that we fail to see others around us suffering also. Sometimes, we get too caught up in our mess that we fail to realize that we've had another day to make things right. Sometimes, we see changes as overwhelming and terrifying that we fail to understand that God has everything planned out.Sometimes, we just have to worry to feel like we are actually in control. Sometimes, we just don't see the little things, because we are too fixed on one huge emotion. But it's just okay. We are but humans, who are wired to think and make realizations and feel a variety of emotions.

Over the years, I have learned to just let go and allow things to unfold. Although this has been a thing for me since my last falling out, a little reminder is a good thing to have in your pocket. And then you'd learn to marvel at how moments lead to another, and see the dusts settle in time.

Praying has always been my source of strength and I hope it will be also for you. Faith is a personal relationship with your creator. Even if you just let your tears flow, no words are necessary to describe how you feel or what you think. He already knows.

Sometimes, trusting is just so hard. It feels like jumping into an abyss and not knowing for sure if you'll live or die. The being scared of the unknown part is more terrifying than the actual jumping. But the trust part comes when you just let go. And then you'll know that either He has taught you to fly, or He has prepared to catch your fall.Terrified, shaking scared, I know. But just let go.

My small miracle came to me tonight with Coco feeling way better and we snuggled in bed for some good night stories. And I gladly put my writing jobs aside and read marvels with my only one. And now looking back at that moment, I figured out why I was still able to sleep with not so much of a heavy heart. I have my Coco to constantly remind me of the Hands of God, i'm sure you also have your little miracles knocking and waiting.

My heart hasn't purely recovered from that conversation. But a good reminder has made it feel a bit better. And the fact that we have this writing thing that makes us realize over and over (TOO MANY realizations lately!), will make things better.

So, if ever you'd come across my blog, Cheer up, you know who you are :)

Curing Insanity: Dose by dose.

Lately, have been thinking too much. And have realized that there is just too much insanity in my life. too much craziness i think I have become a walking idiot. This is what happens when we have some free time. haha More of those I think, You think, Maybe, I know conversations result to this: realizations.

But that's just it, your hands are full of these realizations, both good and bad. And you're still in the process of sorting them out and throwing what must be thrown, and keeping what must be kept. But this process cannot happen overnight. In my case, it couldn't even happen over the weekend. Sometimes, there's just the later alligator factor. And you haven't really finally decided. But you know.

The signs are there! What other sort of epiphany do I need to see and want to witness before I finally say I KNOW NOW. But you know, the brain is a stubborn thing. The heart? More. Combined? Almost impossible.

All I know for sure is that some room for some more is kind of immaterial at the moment. Unnecessary even. And this conclusion, I found in Coco's medicine bottle: Administer every four hours until fever is gone.

This is what I need: a reminder every four hours until the insanity subsides.

Baby Bear getting better. :)

I came home from two jobs and found Coco with a fever. She was still smiley though when i arrived and informed me she was yayay... I brought kool fever on my way home, and some good night silent night to make her feel better. Her pedia says it's her colds and her cough. But nothing to be alarmed about. But for all the nights I spent before, watching over her get through fever after fever, I still could not get use to the sight of her in yayay... It breaks my heart. Breaks my heart to hear her say she's cold. Or see her cry cuz she wants to be carried. Or feel that she wants to sleep but couldn't cuz of clogged nose.

You'll never really get immune to these type of feelings. Despite the many fevers, stomach upsets, asthma attacks, or lbms you go through together. But I'm not in the panic mode anymore. When her temperature reached past 39, I didn't find myself crying or dialing her pedia's number. A year ago, I would have jumped on the next trip to the hospital. LOL.

Coco's fine now, she woke me up to say she doesn't feel cold anymore. Gave her ice baths the whole night to lower her temperature. And she kept crying and saying she doesn't want it. But finally, she was able to sleep around 3 in the morning, that straight kinda sleep. And finally, was able to sleep myself as well.

We'll drop by her pedia again this morning to see that she doesn't need further medications. We had to keep Vanilla (the puppy) outside so Coco wouldn't have any more of asthma attacks. Instead of giving vanilla away right?

I know Coco is feeling way better now, cuz she reached for the book i bought her last night and told me to read her the story. :) Silent Night. Better Night.

She helped me snap out of it. And finally put me back in track.

When I get weak, He is my strength.

I didn't ask for this. And I didn't want it. But it happened. And I'm tired of getting mad. Or getting even. Feeling sad. Or frustrated. Or tired of even feeling so tired. It's true, When something goes wrong, it's just one after another. Rolling down the hill like a huge snowball waiting to explode. And with all that has happened the past seven days, i kinda want to roll over and just die.

Have you ever been so mad you wanted to shout until all the anger is gone? But you can only cry so hard to make it all go away? It's how I feel. And it's something that I know no one can really understand. Some point, I can take it. This time, I don't hundred percent think I can. Not really. My heart says I want to give up. But I know I wouldn't. Not cuz I can't but I really don't want to.

And I remember, my little prayer book and flipping through the pages, i found Psalm 71:9 Do not forsake me when my strength is spent

He will provide what I lack. And will understand what I won't. My God, my personal saviour is my refuge. And it is because I believe in HIM that I do not want to be mad. And resigned myself to be unfeeling. Whatever it is going to be, somewhere,somehow, I know that His Will be done.

And for whatever the point of all the rolled up hurts, He will give me reason. And will give me light. And this will give me renewed strength.

Words for Others. Writing for Me.

Ghostwriters: that’s what they are; A whole new breed of underground society. These ghostwriters pull words from the sky and abyss and sling them together to make one, two, more masterpieces. They're like mercenaries, hired to pick their brains and contribute to a whole other world of stiff competition. They write for people needing to write. And they write for a price.

Bound by kings to not say a word about pieces, they are to never write and own. But write to contribute. write to give. write to let people who cannot- or does not have time- to write. To let them feel they have written something and call them as their own. In the end, they speak our words. absorb our ideas. work our values. They digest what we have written and internalize our beliefs.

Someone told my good friend that these kinda writers are becoming like robots-functioning only because it is necessary. Writing because some other people want to write something. Like an instant noodle, these so-called masters can now produce literary works, speeches, articles and even theses in a blink of an eye. And this someone said it like it left a bad taste in his mouth.

Writing requires skill. It requires talent and a whole lot of brain work. For us who regard ourselves as "some kind of a writer", we do not feel like robots functioning out of necessity. This is our passion. We write because we can. and we want to. Most importantly, we write because we love to catch words and live for sleepless nights. It is a writer thing.

Me and my 'some kinda writer' friend browsed through the web and found articles posted under my pseudonym and we both say: Wow. This is great. Uber. :) And we access some other links that posted my pieces that are already given away. And i didn't feel bad at all. More like, i was even proud. Is it just me? or Or is it really that I am twisted?? Not that I don't care about credits, who wouldn't give a s*** about that? But I have this. My blogspot. I'll get all the credits that I want and still live with that. LOL.

This friend of mine stood in the halls of a government office. And heard in amazement her words come to life. And it pinched her heart too. But she smiles. She knows she's good. She's a writer. Not anything else.

For every great politician, artist, designer, intellectual or webmaster is a brilliant ghost writer. Brilliant with a capital B. Don't ever forget that.

In some kind of limbo.

I was online with my really close buds from college, and we were talking about random things, past the hi how are u, and ended up discussing about how we are shaped with some choices we made in the past. and finally realizing that we all go back to our conversation at isis cafe many many many nights ago..

Like, if you are gay, single mommie, or single single and you find yourself in between this and that, lodged and stuck in a moment where specifications are not created, how do we stop the clock from ticking? more importantly, which buttons are we gonna push to make all IT happen? Stuck in some sort of limbo, yet still in control of how things will play out, the next few chapters that are gonna be added may involve another isis meet up. and a range of colors splashed in the most unlikely places.

Late bloomers. That's what we always call ourselves. Slow streak during the first year. And a crazy roller coaster ride on the last. And what do we do? Pray that God will make it happen NOW. Yet have you ever wondered about reaching for that one dream? that one wish? and when finally it's facing you, you realize, you don't really long for it anymore? Like an enlightenment of some sort? And have you ever had that feeling that you don't wish for anything more than this? That too many realizations have finally dawned, that you couldn't even make up a decent wishlist.

And so, we come to conclude, that as much as we wanted a picket fence kinda life. And that freshly baked pie smell. It's only gonna happen if fate allows it to happen. IF we allow it to happen. And somewhere along those lines, we all realized that there are a lot more than to that yearning. And I for one, have finally understood that life became full when i knew my worth. And my purpose. And the dreams etched in my brain is this, me living it half-fully. half making it there. IN other words, almost and close :)

Rafa asked: Where can gays stand when they reach their 30s? And I ask back. How will single mommies do when we reach the 30s?? Van told me, there is no tomorrow for her. BUT as we all started to say good nights, we all knew how the music will play out. And yes, it's still back to the isis coffee table. Coffee and Beer don't go together!
But a lot of the stories will hold the vodka in.

Oh well, Figure it out! We have a lifetime to do it. And I have the whole night to wish this effin colds away.

Gudnyt world :) Tomorrow is another one of those coffe.beer day.

Tree lights. And a present. :)

Coco and I finished setting up our tree last night. Feeling the Christmas spirit already! Looked for old stockings and santa heads that we'd be hanging on our windows and doors and she kept giggling as christmas balls fall from tree up high. It's what i really love most Christmas, seeing Coco light up everytime the tree lights go on. The yayas put on christmas lights on all the upstairs windows, so the whole house kinda lights up when night comes. This feeling is like nothing could be more perfect than this..

Tita Corie and Tita Ting ting would be far away this holidays, and i'm sure it wouldn't really be the same. Our house feels a whole lot quieter than the usual. With a whole less singing and chatter that you can hear, you can almost think this old big house is empty. If it weren't for Coco's gleeful screams and laughter,and of course, Lola's endless chatter, it would really be that.

Lil gurl got her first Christmas present last night. Brought home Chingching for real, and I tied a big red ribbon on her basket before showing her to Coco. And she asked me, what's your surprise Ma? and right then and there, ChingChing showed her head and peeked at the little . Talk about movie moments! :)

We got the first on our Christmas wish list already.. And might be drawing up the complete list anytime soon! LOL.

SUPERWOMAN. Or not.

I'm not a superwoman. I also get tired. and i also get mad. Sometimes I also get frustrated and I feel helpless! Most of the time, i'm collected. And composed. And even silly happy. And you may get to think that maybe I am a superwoman. Cuz sometimes, i force myself to believe that I am. But sometimes, i just wish... I could break apart. But not really.

Do you know how difficult it is to be a good single parent? Extremely. It's already difficult being a good parent, much more being single. LOL.

My day started real slow, it's Saturday. I'm supposed to bring Coco to the park. BUT I have an overtime request and a writing job to finish. And so I try to convince my little girl that we just watch YETI YETI before breakfast and I plan on starting to pound away on my notebook..I planned. But ended up watching movies with my little one. And reading her outrageous stories about toothache. Just cause my articles are about the topic. Haha :) Sometimes, when I have a few moments of free time, I get to think about our future. And the expenses that go along with good education. good life. good travel. good everythig. And then worry hits me. AND THEN i feel guilty that I spent my whole morning watching movies.... watching G-Force with Coco over and over.

But then again, I barely have time left for Coco.. Can one movie be sooo bad? No, i guess not! I finished all my articles faster than I could have imagined. Cleaned up the room faster than the usual. Computed the budget more efficiently the average... Talk about cramming. And keeping myself sane: we get to work more effectively, juggle time more efficiently. LOVE in between the minutes. And maybe finally convince myself and other people that Coco's mommie really is superwoman.

Coco came up to me this afternoon and told me she had a question to ask. I cringe at the thought that it might be that question again. And she popped it: Where is bochingching? (WHEW). I told her the same story about the little puppy we borrowed few days ago. Told her the truth, that ching ching had to go back to her mommie. and that she's still a baby. And guess what my brain of a kiddo told me, that's right mom, i don't want to be away from you/ i don't want you to leave me (IN Bisaya, "Ma, di ko ganahan byaan ko nimu and di ko ganahan tulog ko sa layu")

And that my dears, is precisely why i find it extremely hard to break apart. And i guess, there is just no need to. Everytime I feel like there is like too much for me to process. Or everytime I feel I'm sooo tired of living this 24 hour kinda life, Coco gives me those one liners that make me realize (DUH, ding, hello) that this is why I live a 24 hour kinda life. And she reminds me of the faith that keeps us going. (Ma, let's pray. and she makes the sign of the cross)

Superwoman? Who cares right? My Coco seems to think I am. :) So I GUESS I must be!

Trick or Treat. Treats or Tricks.

I was supposed to bring Coco trick or treating yesterday. But a huge migraine stopped me from even functioning completely.

Attended my close friend Lot's dinner the other night and the four of us, less Cookie, finally had the long awaited get together. It was FUN. FUN. FUN. I never thought I could laugh that hard. talk so much. sing more loudly. or eat some more. But we all did. :) Loy, Lot and Yen and Me- again.. Like the good ol times! A bunch of crazies sharing a lot of shrimps. and a lot of horse. LOL! Cooks, you should have been there...

Never crossed my mind, how sorely i missed those guys. BalLot still yaks a lot. Yaks more than I do! haha Still holds a lot of ideas in a single moment. And shares more in a millisecond. How can your stories never seem to tire us?? Even a game of bejeweled blitz can't keep me from you sharing insights. opinion and more stories. No matter how hard i press the word count button, it just shows infinity. SIGH. :)Buloy, i know ure really serious. I am too. But you don't really have to worry. I know and get what you mean. Completely. lol! But the greatest surprise came in Yen. Haha I love her to death and i gotta admit, the boobs look really good! :p even more than her hair.

Surprises at every turn, we all loved where our individual lives are heading. It's something no one can really understand. Nor fully know. But i guess we found in each other the thing that you call home. No matter how many tricks halloweens allow us to go through. No matter how many pumpkins we'd meet, there's just one nice thing at the end. We all end up with treats more than we could ask for...

Migraine and some, Coco and I still went trick or treating at our own place. Dressed up in crazy costumes and asked Lola for some treats. We got a handful and my coco and i felt way better. Halloween is really something magical. For kids her age and for well, mine.

Strangers. Again and again.

I met an old stranger last night. I was surprised because it's been a really loooong time. But more surprised that the meeting lasted a fleeting second, and went really okay. No emptiness sitting on my heart. No heavy emotions needed to be sorted out.

It was almost pleasant. Uhm but not really.

When I woke up and saw Coco by my side, I half entertained the idea that someday he's gonna come looking for her. Sometimes though, if i know him right, he isn't gonna. But who knows how the days will turn out. And preparing for that inevitable moment should actually start now.

If i keep on dodging bullets from him, maybe the firing squad will stop.
Few years down the road, I hope things will finally settle down. I think I owe myself some peace of mind. And we both owe Coco that.

That's something he should also consider. That i think I already have.

Hopscotch or something like it.

My cousin Titin is here for the sem-break and she's staying at our room for hours no end, just playin with my Coco and exchanging stories with me. Kinda missing people too, the rest of the Tapulan Kids Inc aren't anywhere near. And so, the conversation turns to where our feet will lead us, few months or years down the road.

She's dead set in flying to Canada. Her plans all laid out like a hopscotch game: the goal is to get to HOME with one leg hop or two. And she tells me, and she asks me, the perennial question. And we know... we both know the answer.

Years ago when we were still covered with grime and a handful, we always play pretend that we live in this neighborhood outside PI. And then pretend we all come back to this same old house. same old town. With nuthin but good memories to look back upon.

Two. Three years ago, when all my laid out plans changed course drastically, I felt that lil girl holding that dream with her fellow Tapulan Kids Inc members letting go. Maybe it's fear. Or frustration. Or just dead set resignation. Maybe it's all of them combined. But I knew I was just lost in the maze and I couldn't figure out how to rearrange the house of cards again, to build it like the way we all wanted it to be. And as I moved from one day to another, with my little bear holding my hand firmly, I thought I felt the house of cards should be built here.

But after a very long thought. And after many sleepless nights. And after this really short conversation with Titin. And a quick realization, I knew the goal is still there. And I know, that long ago, under the santol tree, five kids decided to build a house a thousand hills far from this sleepy town.

One by one the kids left and flew oceans away. A few remain and a little bear and a Mayenne bear is added to the five bandits. But still, the dream lives on. And the decision still stands.

Along with my little bear, we start making sketches on the ground, building the hopscotch boxes and playing it one foot at a time.

Some room for some more..

Thank God weekend is coming up. I never felt this tired since.. I would wish I could lie in bed and just sleep the whole weekend away. But who am I kidding, it's just most certainly a wild notion that is as fleeting as fashion must haves today..

I read somewhere that the activity begets relevance. Like, if you fill your hours with toil, you get to feel some sort of importance in your life or for someone else's. And i get to think, is it just me being addicted to work? Or I am seriously missing out on something else here?

Maybe it's just random thoughts we get at this ungodly hour. But sometimes, it does cross my mind... Since when did insomnia became my best friend?? It is at this particular hour when you get to think about a million things, scrutinize a million feelings and reorganize a million goals too. Dreams and Wishes alike are rarely pulled out from hidden compartments now though. It's like, they belong to places where only sand and stars exist. But then again, I remind myself of my conversation with Coco at a small island days ago. Lest I forget, I got by my side, the main and the only reason why my dreams have pieced back together in the first place.

So who am i to complain? Why should sore necks and aching backs be even on my worry list. Right? BUT Sometimes, we need some TLC too. :) We're not superheroes where "tired" or "sad" or ... doesn't totally exist. It's just that most of the time, there is NO TIME, to think or feel such things and to entertain such thoughts. And too scared to feel those emotions again. Sometimes, there's just no more room for mistakes anymore. But few weeks back, i feel like there is room for something more. And it's bound to be one huge roller coaster ride, I bet.

NO Time. Little Time. Most of the Time. SIGH. :)

WORKAHOLIC

Why do i get the feeling that Coco now has a notion of what that word means... She woke up early this morning and saw me on my egg of a chair doing articles and cramming research. And she asked if i didn't sleep at all.. Imagine that! And i was floored. I tucked her good night and told her i'll sleep in a bit once I finish my research and she just nodded yes and kissed me goodnight. And imagine her surprise when she saw me the next day, still in my chair, typing like crazy..

But i did sleep. haha. If sleep comes like the wind, I must be superwoman already.
Sometimes though, I wish for longer hours. So i can have more time to sleep, more time to read her books, more time to play and watch Barney. But even if I do watch Barney with her, or play pretend, half of my brain is constructing phrases and stringing words together to make up an article.

I'm not saying I don't like the crammed hours though. Cuz, i think I actually live for it. It's just that sometimes, I get to feel and wonder how is it if me and Coco could have 24 hours of daily bonding and with me just writing and writing in between?
Must be heaven..

Years down the road, I should be able to be a full time mother. Working and Playing should mean the same thing, don't it? For now though, I gotta juggle a day job, a writing job, family business, personal business, MOTHERHOOD and sleep and play-- all in twenty plus freaking hours.

I should be giving up one, I know. But for now, i'll just toast to day jobs that pay the rent and add up coins to mine and my Coco's endless future adventures.

Nice. Don't you think so too?

Panic Attacks on Children

I was doing some articles for my writing job and I stumbled on a topic that revolves around Children and their stress level. Sharing some helpful ideas about what factors contribute to our kids anxiety and stress, causing their panic attacks:

Title: What Causes Panic Attacks in Children
Angelica R. Casino
October 19, 2009

Children are the least we thought to be affected by anxiety disorders, and the least to experience panic attacks. However, this notion should be discarded as anxiety disorders affect everyone, including children as young as five years old. And the possibility of panic attacks increase when our young ones start to hit adolescence.

Anxiety is a sense of despair, apprehension and fear. These anxiety attacks, or most commonly known as panic attacks, affect school-age children and teenagers, yet are often simply dismissed as attention seeking tactics. The lack of verbal inability to fully communicate their emotions is one of the primary reasons why panic attacks happen in our children. The multiple emotions on varying experiences overwhelm them and a sense of foreboding manifests.

Peer, family, academic and social pressures are contributing factors that affect children and teenagers. Kids these days are no longer living in world of Peter Pans and candies, they are driven and motivated to be better, wiser, and stronger. What was a healthy competition before, the idea of “sibling rivalry” was introduced firstly between direct siblings and then between cousins and close peers. The desire to be better than the other is an innate aspiration of man. Thus, competitions among our fellows are always welcome.

The pressure brought about by competition coupled with problems in family and peer relationship can cause a certain increase in stress level our children can handle. Due to minimal outlets of expression, our kids tend to bottle up their thoughts and emotions. And the build up engulfs our youngsters and eventually cause panic attacks.

Sometimes, our problems within the family also affect our kids. Financial worries, relationship problems, and even work-related conflicts may affect our children in ways we seem to dismiss as impossible. These kids are sponge-like in nature, they take in what they see, hear and feel within our homes. And they do get affected as much as they do understand the situation. More often, they perceive things in a different way, and if they see the parents or older people in the household worrying, they tend to worry also. In cases where a parent or an immediate family member faces or experiences job loss, a scrimping in the budget, depression and higher temper levels among family members contribute mainly to stress level increase.

Other causes of panic attacks in our children are results of a traumatic experience. Issues ranging from divorce, separation, sudden movements from one town to another to physical and emotional abuse directly contribute to panic attacks in our children.

What adults have to remember is that our youngsters are fully capable of understanding and are perceptive of their surroundings. They are also capable of feeling what we adults also feel. The mistake we often take is that we underestimate our kids to be detached from our reality when we happen to cultivate in them, more often than not unknowingly, the sense of competition, drive, and awareness to our surroundings and an introduction to our known reality.

The more we learn on helping them understand our world and reality would help them in coping with daily pressures. We also need to learn to help our kids communicate their thoughts and emotions frequently and precisely.

Panic attacks in our children can be avoided if we start taking care of our issues at hand immediately and take time to discuss thoughts with our children. Though these communication lines are open, let us not however forget, that our children cannot fully understand the situation and problems. Thus, we need to remember that our kids are not adults that are supposed to carry our pressures with us. Nor are they ignorant that we shield them from the reality.


** Will try to post more of health-related articles when allowable :)

Good Night World..

I hate reading old posts. Reading some makes me remember exactly how I felt then. Sometimes, that old painful feeling just never leaves. Just hides somewhere. Like a really old furniture tucked away in the attic, it's worthless but it's there.

And you get to ask, how many spring cleanings one need to do before all the junk is thrown out? Jeezz...

But it isn't so bad, not as bad as I thought. They're just like old pictures.Some are just really ugly, and should be taken out of the album. But then again, those watermarks, picture marks would just stay. Might as well let them be in place. I remember my sister telling me, we got no option to delete memories. But in the end, as long as we have saved ourselves from the quicksands we stumbled into, the trip was well worth it.

And how can we say that we are who we are now if not of those old roads we took on our way here?

I saw an old one about my first OB trip, my first glimpse of Coco. and i remember the moment as if it's just yesterday. And i could still feel the cold AC on the waiting area and smell the strong antiseptic seeping into the walls. haha And i remember how ecstatic I felt when I first saw her yawn, hiccup and wave. Coco was always a brilliant kid. She has always been my new source of strength. Makes reading old posts a bit better :)

And it never fails to amaze me how two years has gone by. How fast she has grown up. Before tucking her bed tonight, we watched her Barney videos again. And she's memorized all the lines in that video, i could only smile. She prompts me what's gonna happen next and I feel like this kid of mine sure knows her stuff.

My lil gurl is fast asleep now. and im still cramming my second article due in about 3 hours. But then again, i always work best under time pressure. LOL!

It isn't easy being a single mom: Juggling work and little time. But the reward of being called Mommie and hearing your daughter say Good Night Mommie, I Love You like I love barney (haha) is simply the best.

No greater feeling in the world than to see your kiddo look at you as if you're simply the best.

And then, you get to realize, that old furniture in attics, are just there for memories sake. Cobwebs or not, it's still okay. But they couldn't be brought down to where cakes are served anymore.

Stars Out of the Sky

Two and a half years ago, i never thought bouncing back was even remotely possible. No, I thought it would be impossible to feel this good again. But strange as it may sound, I even feel happier now than all of my twenty-something years combined.

Is it possible that the level of contentment changes as we go older?

I went to Camiguin, with Coco in tow, for some business opportunities-hoping for a bit of that much needed rest and bonding with my little one. I brought with me tons of workload, more insomnia, some worries, questions and more. And the idea that there's a bit of that thing called relaxation in between plannings and brainstorms. And guess what, somewhere along the trip, I left those worries and work behind: boxed them in at the dock, temporarily archived and waiting to be forgotten... And found the sleepy island waking me up into a whole new perspective.

Coco came to me yesterday, with a little shell in her hand and an eyes full of amazement, and told me how pretty the stars look in the blue waters. I looked up and started to tell her you can only find stars at night, when it's dark and the sun is sleeping already. But as I gazed across the white sand and onto the clear beach, you could really, literally see stars glistening in the middle of brunch.

Two and a half years ago, i felt like there's no such thing as simple happiness. Nor have I even imagined that life, my life, can be as peaceful as my quick trip with my little one. I realized (yes, i realized something haha) that stars do rest on blue waters. And maybe the sky is the mirror of the little lights, to tell us not to look too far for dreams once making up the whole meaning of wishing.

As if on queue, Coco sings her wishbear song: What's wrong with wishing... hmm..