10 Best of 2011

2011 is such a beautiful year for me, much has been done, much has changed, much has been said :) And much love this year has had!

Picking out the best 10 things this year is extremely difficult, as there are about a hundred events, a hundred things, a hundred people I wanna include. But as all things go, there are just a few occupying front row seats in my heart. So here goes.

10. Letting go of cherry red toenails. And finding time to pamper thyself. 2012 is going to more fun, more young, more carefree. Hello, bubblegum pink toes and cheers to sunshine yellows!

9. Memorizing Cogon Market like the back of my hand. When Sendong hit my city, and relief operations came in waves, finding the best deals to stretch donation money was our favorite option. As a result, I scoured the market for best deals and I have NEVER felt so at home in Cogon, as I have been the past days.

8. Paris. And yes, finally, I have learned to drive on my own!

7.  Starbucks Mocha Frappe. It's been 7 solid years since I've had my tall mocha frappe. South Super Highway days. Weeeelllll, it was one of the up there memories. And here I am, seven long years later, reunited with my first love: ice cold coffee.

6. Wheatgrass. Goodbye constipation forever!

5. Adele. She writes the most beautiful, sad love songs. I can play the album over and over and over... and never ever get tired. Classic, ranks among my Norah Jones favorites.

4. My new job. I love it and I love the people at work. Moving out of my old cubicle, and a few blocks down the street, I found happy change- just in time to save my sanity. AND  I found a new string of beautiful friendship and more along the way.

3. GOOD TIMES: Dahilayan with my college buds. MBB with my gorgeous gang. Bizu with soul sibs. Oceanpark. Elbi. Davao. UCC. Finding old friends in new places.Finding new ones in the old. In our UPs and Downs, we are together. Coffee, without coffee, beer, without beer. With each other. Love.

2. Presents. I love surprises. I know- it's weird. Never loved surprises but... the idea is just well, new and I find myself loving it now! :)

and most of all,

1. My hot chocolate mornings with my lil bear. No one in this world can ever replace the morning moments we have.


I can feel 2012 is going to be an even better year. Who knows, bubblegum pink will pave the way and finally, finally.. crazy love will FINALLY find me. ♥ 


yeeee!

Cheers to a great 2012! To beauty and love, and to happiness! Happy New Year, everyone :)

So sick of the mind games. And I hate that it gets to me.

Because it shouldn't.

Better Days

Sleepy town is still recovering, the skies are still overcast and only a few cars and trucks have started the hustle and bustle of the day- AND it's already 6am. It is weird and it's kind of depressing. I've never imagined, in my whole life, ever experiencing first hand a typhoon in this city. When Sendong hit CDO last Dec 16, it missed my town by just a few miles. But the effect is likewise traumatic.

Last night, we were kept awake by news about the river rising, and a tsunami coming (WTF), If these were practical jokes of some sick mind, they're by far, the lamest ever.

I have friends who lost their homes, who lost family members, loved ones missing and without a place to call their own this holidays. And the sick joke is just SICK. It's insensitive and callous, rude and everything shitty. I hope whoever initiated this whole crap would actually find himself in a manhole with all sorts of poo (EK)

Anyway. Such bad vibes on such an early Wednesday morning.

The good thing about the tragedy, though,  is that we get to take a second look on our lives. We get to re-set our priorities, become less urbanized and appreciate what are really and actually important; we find that we can do away with some material comforts, and actually battle the strangest fears to extend an arm and a limb for a friend.

we see family and friends, appreciate their presence in our lives and see that we can always work together better- systematically, automatically when the need arises.

I think it goes for all tragedies in our lives - there will always be the time when we go through the DABDA stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression then finally acceptance.

There will be the time when we just sit in denial, or in anger, just staring into space, questioning the circumstances. Sometimes, even questioning God. Pleading for the bad things to just go away.

Few days after the storm hit the city, we can see rich and poor alike, sitting on the streets, with what's left of their belongings just staring into space, with sad eyes and an empty air.

But then, there will be the time when we start picking things up, organizing the crap in us. Planning our way out of the tunnel. Sad to say though, at the time when we're all getting our acts together, this is also the time when people are quick to point fingers.

Then finally yes, eventually, we will come out of everything that scares us, scars us, even breaks us - alive and better.

Yes, we can't do it without our support groups. family. or friends. or prayers.
But certainly, we most can't do it without the conviction and the faith in ourselves.

We are actually tougher than we thought we really are. We are built for these crises, we are better than the circumstance.

And Maybe, just like all things, all bad events and bad people in our lives eventually fade in the background. I can't say there's always the forgiveness playing, but there certainly is acceptance.

The road to recovery may be a long and winding one, with a lot of road blocks on the way too. But all I know is, there will be better days. And the most comforting thought is that, certainly, there is an end to all this sadness. - and that, that makes all the difference.

L O S T

Everyone is entitled to have weighed down moments.

I am entitled to one or two, crammed in 15 minute timelines, before the sun rises or before the little girl wakes up. Sometimes, I would sit in the toilet with my lighted up candles and an unfinished, creased book by my side- just sitting, thinking, not thinking. just letting my mind wander and letting the emotions run wild.

This morning, I woke up with this sick feeling in my stomach- like warning bells of some sorts.
And it felt like the morning after, the down of the high, the crazy spiraling downward crap.

But I don't know anything wrong with me. Like this emptiness right smack in the middle of my everything.
And I'm not sure where this is heading, or where I'm going.
And I sure as hell don't understand why I am having this 'weighed down moment' in the first place.

Well, I know, but, it's kind of pathetic.

Maybe it's because of the questions.
of the plans that don't go as planned.
of the wishes.
that I don't want to wish.
Maybe it's because of the feeling of being not in control.
Of wanting so much more.
And feeling stuck.
Maybe it's because of impossible things.
Of feeling not right.
Or Maybe it's just the fact that we all want to be so much more
in such a little time.

And I just wanted to shrug IT off.

So this morning, I visited my favorite blogs, found inspiring quotes and posters that well, almost equal the clarity I get from being confined in this toilet corner. And I lighted candles and watched the sunrise. I listened to the sleepy town waking up and little girl softly snoring.

I woke up before my alarm, woke up to witness the quiet before the storm.
And it has always, time and again, given me the best 15 minutes of the day.

I will be in my 'weighed down moments' for some more time, well into the weekend I suppose.
But this time, I won't even pretend it's not HERE.

Today, I will not care if I am actually, in it.

And today, I won't mind feeling this LOST.

Ha!

Ten seconds of being

Frustrated.

Weighed down.

But not giving up just yet.

Even if being .. trying to be positive stinks sometimes.

TONIGHT is to be included in one of those moments when you just wanna crawl under the covers and curl and die.

LOLZ

Not really die.

Maybe for an hour or two,

Drink. No.

Smoke! NOOOOOO

Like, just be NEGATIVE!

Wallowing.

Crazy.

The ten seconds of procrastination is up.

back to being, hello there positivity.

ack!

A Jar of Happiness. And everything else.

That's me and lil one, trick or treating. (Tita D is beside lil gurl, but not sure if I can post her here, lolz)

Halloween 2011 

I'm happy.

I don't get why most find it hard to believe that I am. 

I don't understand why people would think I am not.

I don't tell people that I am happy, but scared to be, yet thankful I am.

But I am happy.

Truly.

I love my lilGurl.

And I love that she loves me back unconditionally.

I am happy being a mother.

I am happy with my job.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am good with my single blessedness.

I am at peace with my solo parenthood.

I am truly in this state of tranquility.

Although my happiness do not equate to contentment, 

the NOW that I have is something that I am joyful about.

Joyful.

Thankful.

Grateful.

Yes.

I still dream of my happy ever after.

I pray for that day to come.

I still want to see Paris.

And watch the lights and listen to the beautiful Parisian noise

With this person who can actually understand me.

Love me.

Truly.

I still have those moments.

When I ask my what ifs;

When I wonder how I will handle things;

When I wish I can be better.

Have better,

Do better.

But I have more of those times 

When I laugh.

When I see the beauty of gray skies.

When I giggle at stupid jokes.

Or smile because I think things are good.

And I have this lilGurl.

Who loves me.

Whom I love more back.

And we are given these moments

of just wonderful bonding;

of carefree love;

of quiet understanding.

And I find myself in prayer,

in quiet thought,

and in acceptance

Of a number of things

from my past,from my now and even from my future.

And so I know.

I feel.

I truly am.

Happy :)

Ain't it just beautiful?

I thought I had it all figured out.

Just when I think I've got all the areas covered, LilGurl comes home from school with a homework about a family. They were asked to look for and paste pictures of their Moms and Dads and a family portrait.

She has always been proud of the fact that her mom is a 'single mommy'. She says it like single motherhood is synonymous with being a superhero. But this time, last night, wellll.... It was different.

She came to me with a question that bothered her most of the day. I hated to see that screwed up expression on her face as if all I'm saying is blabber. LilGurl says: Ma, You said you're both my mom and Dad. But Teacher says a father is a boy and you're a girl. So how can you also be a dad?

SO, How do you answer that?!

How do I begin to tell her that such stereotyping is already dead in this generation (DUH). I kept on running conversations, quotes and scrolling one-liners I prepared for this moment in my head to satisfy this little girl's wonder and bring down that eyebrow she's raising.

And so I stood there, with my hands covered with glue and my eyes welling up and she's still looking at me like i'm about to turn into a mushroom head.

At that exact moment, my options were:

One. Wring the teacher's neck!! I already told her about the WAY I teach the KINDS of families in this lifetime. Hello, whatever happened to the Parent-Teacher conversations we had?!

Two. I tell LilGurl: Geez, I'm the only one with the balls to raise her (UH, no, such bitterness! lolz)

Three: I tell her that I shift from girl to boy to girl in between hours? (Sounds weird)

Four: I tell her that she was given to me from the heavens or skies in a blanket, and it just so happened at that time that I am alone.. and site some mambo jambo from a fictional post. (THIS IS THE SHITTIEST)

OR Five. I just tell her the truth that I know. In a way that she understands.

Sometimes, there are just questions you cannot even begin to answer why or how.

Before bedtime, I told her, finally, that I am a girl. Therefore, I am a mother. BUT I am a single mother. A single Mommy. AND THAT gives me the chance, the gift to be the daddy also. I have the most unique spot of being allowed to be both the mommy and the daddy.

She then breaks a smile and says: OHH OWRIGHT. I forgot you're a single mommy!! So you're stronger than the normal mommies (UGH, as if there's a normal mommie). And she gives me that toothy smile, a high five and a hug.

And went on coloring her books.

I can feel her hug, ten thousand times. I know the question was never gonna stop there. And I know that the answer was kind of, a band-aid, a fallacy even. I know that she has this something inside, like she knows, or wonders, that something's missing.

I may not be a typical daddy, nor will I ever be a typical mommy. BUT I know that I am being the best parent for her right now.

You know, that KNOW with a conviction part, didn't come easy to me though. As I got up and pretended to wash the glue from my hands over and over whole she keeps her art supplies, I cried a bucket and one of tears without making a damn sound.

And then, I went back in the room with tears gone, moisturizer on my face and a ready good-night, tuck the lil bear kiss.

Sometimes, I think she's right, being a single mommy (Or a NORMAL mommy) is actually anything but normal.

Bright Kid, she is. Oftentimes, she's the one giving me the answers to my own questions that I can't even begin to understand.

Sunrise and Heart Secrets

Sunrise has always been magical for me.

The waiting for the sun slowly making its way back to the horizon gives me this beautiful feeling of acceptance. And peace and tranquility, And that spark of hope of a more beautiful future.

Last night, me and lil one spent time browsing through my new home design magazine. We pointed out which sheets we preferred and paintings that went well with the color themes. I have always loved looking at home designs, loved the feeling of actually having a dream house - with the kitchen and library I have vividly stamped in my mind.

AND last night, I learned that lil one loved doing the same thing too. She has the same bright eyes look when she finds something that picks her interest. The same beautiful wonder when she visualizes herself into the photographs. She was very quick to point to details- noticing even the things in the background. She noticed beautiful decors partially hidden by the angle which the picture was taken.

And that's a skill, a trait, a virtue? worth cultivating: Seeing the entirety of a picture.

This morning, as I sat and waited for the sky to turn bright, I let my thoughts wander. I sat with my heart open, and took in the silence of this beautiful world around me. And as I have come to terms with a number of things in my life, I found that lil space where I can come and sit comfortably every single day.

The little changes I have started doing seem like baby steps, but at least the first one has been made. Today, I offer my prayers and thanks to another day that can be spent for changing for the better.

Oh, the road to betterment is such a steep and difficult one. But I know, the climb will be worth it.

After this sunrise, I promise to:
Drink wheatgrass and honey before breakfast continuously
Drink more water
Build resolve to continue avoiding the stick
NO MORE Soda
Say Thank You more often
Add things to my bucketlist
Accept the line: What's wrong with being number 2? from Tuesdays with Morrie
Find a good book worth reading on a weekend
Start things rolling for the next big change

GOOD MORNING WORLD! :) Lil One is waking up now.

Through the Lonely to the Other Side

What they say about coming out at the end of the tunnel is true: it's always far better than we actually hoped for.

Birthdays always reminds me of the past that even go years back. And it also always reminds me of the better things ahead too. I remember feeling happy then feeling scared to be happy. Mostly because I felt that maybe one day, that happiness will be taken from me: In a form of betrayal, deception or just taken away, literally.

Then most of the time, the fear outweighs the feeling of actually FEELING the joy of things.

But you know, lately, the fear has seemed to dissipate over time. And for some time now, I have really begun to feel the happiness that I have long anticipated.

AND I'm no longer afraid too.

My family has been through a lot of things, a series of disappointments among those years too. But when I look at their smiling faces, hear my little girl's laughter and find the littlest of things making sense, I just find this.. this peace, quietly taking place in my otherwise troubled heart.

This morning, my morning paper carried an article on "what it takes to be a family".. And I felt validated. Maybe even vindicated too. But more of.. well, just happy. (I say that word A LOT these days, lolz) The author grew up in a single parent household, and she said that although she felt somewhat different, or distant, from her classmates and her community, she realized that she has turned out to be quite "normal" like her friends from "whole" families or even better.

The author also went on to say that the key to having this kind of confidence, this kind of achievement was that her solo parent household showered her with love, love and more love. And the feeling of being at home- comfortable in her own skin, own family, own friends..

AND you see, I think I'm completely normal too, to find myself almost crying in joy, when little girl tells me stories about her classes, about her thoughts, her feelings.. And when she tells me she loves me and that she knows I love her back too. Because I think, my fear of things going wrong may not be so anymore. Because, deep down, I know that I have done my best and for the first time in a really long time, I think my best has been good enough. OR even better. :)

Happy Birthday Month to both me and lil one. Cliche, but true, love always brings us through tunnels of our lives.

Complicating the Simple. Simplifying the Complex.....

If it isn't a bad dream that wakes me up in the middle of the night, it's the anticipation of a good one.

Life has always been tougher than usual with me, but lately, I find that it hasn't really been so. Maybe I was born a drama queen, or maybe, I over-think things too much that even the simplest become complicated.

This month, our birth month, is one big celebration of the simple complexity of our lives: Mine and Lil bear's. And for every weekend we spent blowing candles, eating cakes and just really lounging together is a testament to how the tough always gets the best things.

AND I feel, that hey, when life was hard before, this. THIS, right now is my reward.

We realize, that, when we marvel at the simple COMPLEXITY of things, we stand in amazement at how SIMPLY beautiful and wonderful our day to day is.

This year, we hope for our dreams to come true. AND we hope to do more better things for the people around us too.

Tonight, as I actually, weirdly, feel my heart skip a beat again, I take my good friend G's words as I sleep: Enjoy the feeling :)

Yes, that, I will do.

Ah, to be young again!

The Kind of Man

Ahhhh. I am always at a loss of words after.

and I couldn't help but sigh.

The sometimes good/sometimes bad kind of sighing- the one that entails daydreaming.

and smiling.

and wishing it could have been different.

But there, there lies the beauty of this thing they call so many names...

And the words the father has spoken in the movie, ADAM, reverberates clearly in my head.

Because what I cannot fully explain, he has spoken with such eloquence in ten words or less.

And I know, that the man he described so aptly is the same kind of man I want in my life- the kind of man that every woman deserves.

No need for more words from hereon.. because, Oh yes, I still dream about that kind of man and I know he exists (after all!)

Hello, 28.

Wow, i'm 28 now. :)

I seriously waited for midnight so I can actually savor what's left of my 27th. And as I snuggled beside lil one, with my laptop and one of my closest friend, R, on chat, I find that the last intriguing thoughts on the last few mins of my 27th year was of an ex.

LOLZ

And the fact that it's so weird to be even talking about the one from YEARSSSSSS ago. What's weirder? It's the actual consideration of me and him, after all the shit. Because THAT was from crazy, kiddy past. And it chills me to the bone. AND manages to get a giggle out from me.

EK.

Not a good thought on the first day of my 28th.

Anyhow.

This year, I only wish for one thing. and a gazillion other 'moments'. BUT tonight, I am just thankful that in my 27 years, I have met the people I would want to spend the next 27+++++ years of my life with.

Precisely, because, if there was one thing I wouldn't change in my past, it's the US that I have found along the way.

And you bet, right here, right now, I have those that matter most closest to my heart.

Thank you, God for another chance to experience another beautiful year of your Grace.

These great walls.

The worst thing about fighting for something is running into a solid, brick wall.
The kind that no matter the series of options that you present: over, under or around it,
the only acceptable option is the one that requires you to push THROUGH it.

And we wonder why we couldn't take the im in impossible.

A few months, years back, when i stumble into these great, brick walls, i exhaust everything- including
my energy and arguments to forge the other paths. But lately, i just take it as it is.

As such, my new mantra is: LET GO.

And suddenly, the worst thing has become anything just short of best and triumph.
It is quite effective in reducing the stress levels by significant portions.
.
Maybe it comes with ageing, we get tired of being aggressive. Of finding ways. Of arguments. But hopefully, never tire of critical thinking.

I doubt if we can ever shake off the frustration though. That we can just shrug and surrender to the idea that these effin walls will forever be WALLS- standing formidably tall longer than we expect or hope for.

I guess, the beauty of these walls are not entirely found in the actual head banging, crashing or pushing through them. But also in the process of finding and mind-picking the different creative options of getting past them.

In the end of the whole process, we see to realize, that these walls have their one true purpose-- to be just as they are.

So, as we sit from a distance, watching the entirety of these BRICKS from afar, we couldn't help but admire their outstanding, unwavering, marvelous presence.

What's life without them?

aha

I kinda like someone.

BUT I don't really want to think further than the kinda.

It's just that I think I really, kinda do!!!

Wouldn't it be NICE?

One of the things I pride myself in is that I always manage to do things on my own. Either with minimal supervision, qith little help or with nothing at all -all by myself for everything and anything.

I love to think myself independent and strong and all those pretty adjectives for the best solo parent ever. for the best solo SOLO.



But you know, sometimes, I also find myself in one of those moments when I wish I don't have to do it alone.

AND I always get this when I'm feeling sick, lonely or just really, really tired.

I think, Wouldn't it be nice if someone drives me and/or picks me up after a long day at work? Not that I mind getting to work\/ getting home myself.

BUT Wouldn't it be nice if I come home to not just one hug, but two?
Not that I mind getting two, three, four more from little one every so often.

BUT Wouldn't it be nice to have someone pour me a glass of lemonade when my throat feels like a frog has already taken residence?
Not that I mind squeezing my own lemons and making a pitcher of lukewarm calamansi juice.

BUT Wouldn't it be nice to sit close to someone have conversations over a cup of coffee, exchanging thoughts on random things?
Not that I mind snuggling with little girl with a warm cup of choco. Or writing down random thoughts here in my blog.

BUT Wouldn't it be nice to have someone lovingly (LOVINGLY) reminding me of my medicines, giving me a back rub, or darn, or just giving a glass of water when i'm feeling sickie.... sickie like a baby?
Not that I mind writing my own TO Do's and posting a thousand post its on my fridge.

SOMETIMES, what we can do by ourselves, what I can do on my own, can somehow be... well, a bit better IF I didn't have to do it solo.

As my good friend G shared the exact same thoughts with me a few days back, I completely feel for her, with her...

Nonetheless, I am still thankful, just the same.

I may not have a PARTNER IN CRIME, BETTER HALF, etc. BUT I realize, I will settle (AM OKAY) with a great yaya who helps me in all of the above. And of course, for MANANG, who never fails to give me the traditional Pinoy massage when I badly want one.

That's not so bad, huh? LOLZ

As always, God really provides :D

And for a good read this week, I've stumbled upon 'The Single Mother's Survival Guide', by Patrice Karst.

Tonight though, I am searching high and low for a copy of this book.. It's just beautiful. wonderful. full of heart.......



So, you know, after seeing this picture and reading the synopsis of this children's book, I KNOW, I wouldn't trade my being a solo mommie for anything else.

EVER.

Kung Fu Panda wisdom

Me and lil one stayed up late watching Kung Fu Panda, and we laughed, giggled and cried a bit the whole time.

She couldn't understand, though, how Tai Long became bad, and that how can Master Turtle leave in the middle of something great.

We discussed how the bad heart come to be but I couldn't truly discuss Master Turtle's departure as fully or as profoundly as I want to.

I couldn't fully understand the latter either. But we find comfort that whenever someone leaves, someone worthy takes the place. As Master Rat took up the stick and started believing in Po, the best has started to materialize.

Our favorite part of the movie was Po learning Kung-Fu. Cocobear loved it because Po was able to prove himself, and worked hard to become what he is destined to be. (YES, Cocobear really told me this and in her own words, PO became a good Kung Fu student because he worked hard). I loved it because it allowed me to realize that there are many approaches to learning and teaching. "I realized that I cannot train you the way I have trained the others" and Master Rat took out the dumplings to encourage Po.

I have been struggling with teaching Coco her letters, and as I feel like she is WAY behind her lessons, I am told that kids her age should only learn phonetics, and some. I, on the other hand, wanted her to be more.

Lil girl had this attitude that when she refuses to learn, she would barely lift a finger. She wouldn't look at you, repeat after you, or even listen to what you have to say. AND it gets me frustrated.

But lately, I find her taking out her flash cards herself and asks me to quiz her. AND beautifully enough too, she is able to get the first 5 letters right. I guess, being patient in teaching her things, and finding the right approach to capture her interest are the only ways to get her to maximize her potential.

And my own study habits and.or techniques may not be the best for her too. (I finally get it, and I don't beat myself too much)!

So this Sunday Morning, we take a rest from letter drills and the shapes and the writing. We'd spend it watching Kung Fu Panda again and laugh as hard when Po defeated Tai Long using his big belly.

LOLZ

Such a beautiful movie.

One more good thing about Kung Fu movies? This particular one is packed with words of wisdom. And as it was repeatedly said in the movie: There are No Accidents.

Indeed, everything is meant to be.

Mommiehood and love

One cold, cloudy, Saturday afternoon, me and little girl snuggled watching cartoons, browsing the net for cute stuff and more shoes.

And I stumbled into these images:








And all the words about motherhood, my relationship with my daughter and the relationship of all the mothers with their children all over the world is summed up in these three beautiful images.

Sometimes, we take for granted the simple roles we have in this life, opting and filling our moments fighting for a place in the corporate world; when really, we have already achieved the most wonderful position anyone could ever dream of.

But, of course, it doesn't hurt to be a successful working mommy :)

Happy, beautiful Saturday :)

I'm gonna be a size F O U R

Ever since I turned 25, my body couldn't seem to process the sugar and the fats as fast as it did around 10 years ago. Now that I am turning near the station 30, my metabolism has certainly taken the slower lane.

Although I have been struggling with the weight gain, I have ironically come to love my body as it is now. Yes, I'm still cutting back on the rice intake, the sweets and the chips. I have started going with the more greens diet and less of anything hard to digest. I have started drinking water in litres too. lolz

I have even started taking green tea again in the mornings. Less coffee, less milk and whip cream :D

But I am THROUGH the stage of letting people push me and pressure me by making nasty, nasty comments! It's funny now though, when I look back on it, I should have known better than to listen to their opinion. Much more letting it affect me. Aside from the fact that it is laced with malice and intent to belittle my self-esteem, these people making the comments are those who LIVE to belittle people and raise themselves in the process. Ironically too, these very same people are no beauty experts themselves. tsk!

Now that I am fitting well into size 6 and can squeeze my way to size 4 (LOLZ), and losing the beer, errr, baby belly is actually liberating.

And I realize that losing the fats, the belly, the crazy ass depression over weight gain is something that I deserve. It's something that helps me gain control of my weight, my life, my moods, my decisions and even my market. lolz

So, the next uphill battle is to convince this big ass of mine to actually start running again. And take control of my health.

And speaking of health, God help me on finally quitting smoking, for good.

For real.

i know such a man.

There's a lot of drama in most of our lives.
There are people who choose to ignore the beauty of drama.
And there are those who live in the drama of it all.

I belong to the many who live within the beautiful scenes of the play and watched it unfold act after act. The only difference here is that I find it more profound to write things and thoughts and chronicle most of it down.

Yesterday, a thought came to me: that i can never be in a relationship when i want it to be so badly, impossibly perfect. But do we strive to attain a perfect relationship by finding the perfect formula? Or is it in the events? In the choices we make?

Or is it in perfecting ourselves?

Or in finding the perfect man?

Ah, the perfect man!

The perfect man is someone who can tolerate my worst and even love me for it. I know such a man. But i am not sure if fate understands our existence.

The perfect man is someone persevering. Constant in his actions and in his words. And even in his ambitions to better himself. I know such a man. But i am not sure if i am ready to love him.

The perfect man is someone who is perfectly my yin to my yang. The shrimps to my olio, the missing puzzle to my otherwise perfectly crafted life.

I know such a man but i don't think we can ever be.

And that marks the perfect man spelling out the perfect relationship an utter impossibility.

Surprise, surprise the world isn't all too bad

I have THAT again- waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back to sleep. I don't know if it has to do with age and stress. Or with age and age.

Not even facebook helps.

Do you ever get this?

A few days back, I have been asked if I were happy. And for a moment, I was tongue-tied, stammering, dumbfounded too. Maybe because it has been TOO long since I have been asked such and maybe because, I frankly don't know the answer yet.

Happiness is something very personal for me. It's not just the laughter that I am able to laugh now, or the smiles I give out every single day. I'm not even sure if it's just the contentment in work, stability in finances or the peace of my family home. Maybe, happiness is the whole of everything.

Or maybe Happiness is the thrill of chasing it all.

And being asked such is usually something that comes within my personal space. But it didn't, so I was surprised. And maybe pleasantly so.

It got me thinking too, and realized that there are still people - almost strangers- who are sensitive enough to ask a question.

And it's a welcome change to an otherwise jaded perspective. :)

Well, surprise, surprise.

I got myself a SOLO PARENT ID

Today, I finally got my solo parent ID.

And after much putting off, I finally had the nerve to do the DSWD interview. Not that I was apprehensive of the questions that they will throw my way, I was more scared of the looks my small town folks would give whenever I make the rarer than rare appearances.

The fact that I am a solo parent in this small town still raises some eyebrows.

But, thankfully, I have gotten used to it and I have learned that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing shameful in being a single mother. In fact, I am a proud solo parent. Not everyone can be a good parent. And certainly, not everyone can be a proud SOLO one too.

Why should Solo Parents get this ID? Because RA 8972 has outlined a number of benefits for solo parents that could help us juggle our duties wonderfully. Although solo parents who are considered above poverty level (all of us working solo parents) could not avail of the education, housing and medical appropriations, we are entitled to:

* Additional 7 Days Leave provided that we have (1) rendered at least one (1) year of service; (2) given notice to the employer within reasonable time frame andl (3) presented our SOLO PARENTS ID.

* No Work Discrimination.
* Flexible Working Hours

The Senators of this country are still debating whether to give solo parents the MUCH NEEDED discounts on medicines, hospitalization, diapers, milk, and other baby needs, but hopefully, soon, the SOLO PARENTS ID will have as much power as the SENIOR CITIZENS ( a whopping 20% off on everything necessary!)

I wish we also get some slack in our tax payables.

The SOLO PARENTS ID can be claimed from your DSWD Office, with the following requirements to be presented:

1. Barangay Certification (Proof of Residency and Testament of Solo Parenting)
2. Certificate of Employment/Income Tax Return(Proof of Income)
3. 2 1x1 ID pictures (Proof of existence, lolz!)

We are to fill up this form that contains some questions like: Solo Parents Needs? and Solo Parents Family composition. And then proceed to the signing of the form and then, finally the ID.

I don't really get it too, but it feels good to have this one in my wallet. :)

To Read more on the act:
THE RA 8972 or Solo Parents Welfare Act


Republic Act No. 8972 or the “Solo Parents’ Welfare Act of 2000”is the Philippine law on single parents. It was promulgated on November 7, 2000.

The law provides comprehensive program of services for solo parents and their children to be carried out by the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD), the Department of Health (DOH), the Department of Education, Culture and Sports (DECS), the Department of the Interior and Local Government (DILG), the Commission on Higher Education (CHED), the Technical Education and Skills Development Authority (TESDA), the National Housing Authority (NHA), the Department of Labor and Employment (DOLE) and other related government and non-government agencies. (Sec.2, RA 8972)

You are considered a single parent if you are:

[1] A woman who gives birth as a result of rape and other crimes against chastity even without a final conviction of the offender: Provided, That the mother keeps and raises the child;

[2] Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood due to death of spouse;

[3] Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood while the spouse is detained or is serving sentence for a criminal conviction for at least one (1) year;

[4] Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood due to physical and/or mental incapacity of spouse as certified by a public medical practitioner;

[5] Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood due to legal separation or de facto separation from spouse for at least one (1) year, as long as he/she is entrusted with the custody of the children;

[6] Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood due to declaration of nullity or annulment of marriage as decreed by a court or by a church as long as he/she is entrusted with the custody of the children;

[7] Parent left solo or alone with the responsibility of parenthood due to abandonment of spouse for at least one (1) year;

[8] Unmarried mother/father who has preferred to keep and rear her/his child/children instead of having others care for them or give them up to a welfare institution;

[9] Any other person who solely provides parental care and support to a child or children;

[10] Any family member who assumes the responsibility of head of family as a result of the death, abandonment, disappearance or prolonged absence of the parents or solo parent.

A change in the status or circumstance of the parent claiming benefits under this Act, such that he/she is no longer left alone with the responsibility of parenthood, shall terminate his/her eligibility for these benefits.

Who are considered as “children” under RA 8972?

The term “children” refers to those living with and dependent upon the solo parent for support who are unmarried, unemployed and not more than eighteen (18) years of age, or even over eighteen (18) years but are incapable of self-support because of mental and/or physical defect/disability.

*THE GOVERNMENT AGENCIES

A comprehensive package of social development and welfare services for solo parents and their families will be developed by the DSWD, DOH, DECS, CHED, TESDA, DOLE, NHA and DILG, in coordination with local government units and a nongovernmental organization with proven track record in providing services for solo parents.

The DSWD shall coordinate with concerned agencies the implementation of the comprehensive package of social development and welfare services for solo parents and their families.

What are included in this package of services for single parents?

The package of services will initially include:

(a) Livelihood development services which include trainings on livelihood skills, basic business management, value orientation and the provision of seed capital or job placement.

(b) Counseling services which include individual, peer group or family counseling. This will focus on the resolution of personal relationship and role conflicts.

(c) Parent effectiveness services which include the provision and expansion of knowledge and skills of the solo parent on early childhood development, behavior management, health care, rights and duties of parents and children.

(d) Critical incidence stress debriefing which includes preventive stress management strategy designed to assist solo parents in coping with crisis situations and cases of abuse.

(e) Special projects for individuals in need of protection which include temporary shelter, counseling, legal assistance, medical care, self-concept or ego-building, crisis management and spiritual enrichment.

*FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULE

It is the right granted to a solo parent employee to vary his/her arrival and departure time without affecting the core work hours as defined by the employer. Under Section 6 of RA 8972, the employer shall provide for a flexible working schedule for solo parents: Provided, That the same shall not affect individual and company productivity: Provided, further, That any employer may request exemption from the above requirements from the DOLE on certain meritorious grounds.

What about the issue of work discrimination, in terms of job assignments or promotion?

Section 7 of RA 8972 provides that no employer shall discriminate against any solo parent employee with respect to terms and conditions of employment on account of his/her status.

*EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES

The DECS, CHED and TESDA are mandated to provide the following benefits and privileges:

(1) Scholarship programs for qualified solo parents and their children in institutions of basic, tertiary and technical/skills education; and

(2) Nonformal education programs appropriate for solo parents and their children.

*HOUSING BENEFITS

Solo parents shall be given allocation in housing projects and shall be provided with liberal terms of payment on said government low-cost housing projects in accordance with housing law provisions prioritizing applicants below the poverty line as declared by the NEDA.

*MEDICAL ASSISTANCE

The DOH shall develop a comprehensive health care program for solo parents and their children. The program shall be implemented by the DOH through their retained hospitals and medical centers and the local government units (LGUs) through their provincial/district/city/municipal hospitals and rural health units (RHUs).

To my Cocobear, my chokeroo...

My Dearest Coco,

I had the most wonderful time tonight. It was amazing helping you dress up in your school uniform for a 'dress rehearsal', arranging and re-arranging your notebooks and pencils, slicing biscochos and watching you march around the house (with your pink trolley and umbrella in tow), knocking on Booboo's door and Lola's room because you wanted to show off that you're really ready for the big school.

But as I watched you pose wacky for Auntie Titin's camera, and as I watched Booboo tie your necktie for you, I suddenly felt a bit selfish that I wanted to keep you a child forever.

OH You're growing up too fast!

As happy and excited I am as you are for the BIG first Big school day, I kinda feel scared too.

I feel like there will be those nights when we won't be reading baby stories, or counting sheep, or painting our nails red- because you'll be spending more time on the laptop like I do. Or God forbid, on your mobile phone.

I know deep in my heart, though, that you will remain sweet to me, your mommie dearest; you never are selfish with your hugs and I love you, Mommies.

And I wish for you to always remember how you always manage to light up everybody's lives whenever you smile, you giggle, you walk into a room... with your mere presence. Because mommie will always have the open arms to embrace back or the I Love Yous to say to you too. And because you are a SPECIAL, special person always remember, especially when you're feeling a bit low, or lonely,that there are US who have become happier because of you.

Now that you'll be in BIG school, I wish for you to remember to be always kind, to never speak an ill word against anybody and to be a good SMALL ate to the new toddlers- just like what you tell me everyday. Because Mommie will continue TRYING to be a better person in every single way.

I wish for you to retain that wild-eye wonder, to constantly ask mommie and teachers, and auntie and lolamie the never-ending questions you always have. Because mommie and your family will never tire trying to answer those questions.

I wish for you to be constantly aware of your efforts, to practice writing your numbers just because you want to write them beautifully. Because Mommie will never tire of filling the fridge door with these "works of art".

You will never fully know, Co, how much you've changed me as a person, or how you have taught me to love truly, unconditionally, purely. Or how much you have put meaning into sooo many people's lives. But I hope you that one day, you will understand how much I really, truly love you. and how much you are truly loved by everyone in the family.

Tonight, Sleep tight and dream those beautiful dreams, baby girl, for there are still a million and one nights for us to do dress rehearsals and to paint our nails- or to listen to the songs and to chase after dreams. There will be more to come, and I promise you, I will always be here to hold you hand. or your trolley, or your umbrella. Or even your pumpkin of a cat.

I love you, baby girl. And that will never, ever change.

Love always,
Mommie

The Reader. And the water Jug

Today was really stressful. Scary stressful.

I have never really been scared this way- shaking and wanting to cry but couldn't.

Panic filled my insides but I kept a firm and stern appearance. Like warrior in a battlefield. Like a mommy in a kangaroo court. Like a customer who walked in on a robbery and got stuck in a lock down.

Yes, I got stuck in a lock down, with policemen harassing everyone through intimidation. The 'victim' of the pickpocket screamed robbery and the guards appeared and the metal doors went down with a heavy clang. I stood there with my hand barely touching the priority number and half of my foot under the metal doors. I have always been claustrophobic so when the metal doors rolled down, and I stuck in this lil space of a corner, I was almost going to hyperventilate. After an hour of CCTV examination, frisking, screaming clients and a nagging feeling that a frame up can happen. Or worse, that the pickpockets may have guns, we were finally let out.

I shudder at the thought. I have never really been so scared. :(

On our way home, we got into a cab from hell, who threatened us and pushed me to hysteria. I had the wits to jot down the plate number, and cab company, and threatened the cab driver back. I was not about to cower and show this shit of a driver that I was almost gonna panic. And of course, my shrieking worked this time.

And I reported to the police.

The end: I got a really bad tummy and an insomnia that I couldn't shake off.

But before those, the day was beautiful.

The wedding.

The playtime.

The dinner.

Focusing my energy and my thoughts on the happier ones now. And pushing the negative events out. Life is soooo precious, sooo unpredictable. So beautiful because we make it so.


(BUT, I don't really support this campaign, I happen to think the RH Bill is right on time)







After the wedding, lil one and I skipped the reception and traded it for a dinner of pizza and shakes, then went on to have some play fun.








Tonight, as I watch my little girl sleep soundly, I thank God she hasn't understood the panic in my voice, when we were in the cab. I thank God she was in the playhouse when I went down to buy that reader, and she wasn't with me when I was stuck in that lock out. I thank God that my one bar mobile phone worked and allowed me to call the nanny and the house so my family would know.

I thank God for keeping my wits intact, and for keeping me alert and for finally, bringing us home safe.

Sweet Dreams..

Me and little girl had a few laughs before hitting bed. Coming home to this wonderful daughter of mine is the best thing at the end of every single day. And the very best thing at the very beginning too.

Friday is rolling home soon!

Like No Other ♥

Wow, this morning I greeted sunrise with Adele playing and a cup of wonderful choco. sat for a while, just listening to the a sleepy town waking up. Listened to the sound my heart beating, the thoughts swimming in my head and a little voice from the heavens, telling me how beautiful life is. If only I remember to stop, sit a while and just feel.

It has been ages-- centuries! since I have done this. It's always that I have been so busy or so tired to wake up early and sit out in front- with my thoughts and my heart in the palm of my hand. That's me doing my thing, participating in the rat race.

But today, it's different. I feel like I have settled in nicely into my new job. The people are wonderful, to say the least. The workload is manageable and the whole consumer lending thing is a relief to my tired old, working self.

And it's a bit of a strange feeling. Strange, but really peaceful- really similar to this early morning feel.

Ever since I have decided to jump into this, it has always been me jumping from one place to another; always been me squeezing minutes, dragging proposals; it has always been a mixture of pressure to deliver, unnecessary worry and a constant nagging feeling that I should just relax. AND after much much prodding, I did.

I let go. I sat back a bit, took it a day at a time, a week at a time. And then, I found myself on track. Well, on my way lolz.

I found that there is actually a weekend for me and lil one. There is actually more of that beautiful time together.

Last Sunday was extra special, we celebrated Mothers' Day with a few dvds, some junk food and a whole Sunday at the mall with family. We had sundae and fries, rode the ponies, took a lot of pictures, and went around shopping for little girl's school stuff.

A lot of times, in the middle of US shopping, I found myself wondering where has the three years gone. My baby is already this little girl running around with her pink trolley, choosing nice shoes and water jugs. And being the sweetest girl that she is, she never forgets to throw in a hug, a smile or two my way.

It's the best Mommie's day ever.

And as I sit here and wonder where we will be 20, 30 years from now, I grin on the thought that life is so wonderful when we fill it with beautiful moments.









God has been indeed wonderful to me. ♥

Thoughts on Lent

This Lent, lil one and I stayed home. We spent most of the Holy Week attending our local church activities and watching Bible Stories re-runs. We spent more time at the park, running around the green grass that's become a small patch of green.

Though little one could not truly comprehend the meaning and essence of the Passion of Christ, I am thinking that to witness from such a young age would allow her to appreciate the beauty and humility of sacrifice. As I could not truly understand the whole meaning of it too, at my age now, I am hoping that my little girl can get a bit of that meaning of unconditional love, sacrifice and forgiveness.

For the past days, I sat long hours at our church's pew to listen to Christ's Seven Last Words, said the Lent prayers, my Novena and tried to search the relevance of the Passion in my life. I sat there searching for answers to my questions, and trying, trying, trying hard to understand, accept, and eventually forgive.

But, How can we forgive if forgiveness was not asked from us? How can we understand other people's offensive behavior or vision or character and accept the trivial things as they are? And finally understand that things that happen on this world are only little dots that connect to a bigger picture set by a Higher Being?

As my sister C has told me in one of our conversations, "God really plans all things according to His Time" and we just don't realize the logic until the right time has finally come.

The right time for some things have finally come, that I finally understood the logic behind some of the questions that I hold in my heart. But for most of my perennial issues, I still have those questions and bent up anger too.

But you know, as I ask forgiveness from God, for still not coming to terms with my issues, I have realized that I cannot take the world upon my shoulders and stand to be blamed for the issues other people have. I refuse to be dragged down by issues that aren't mine in the first place.

Because, as much as I'd like to be the best person in the world, one must understand that for one to have good children, one must be a good parent; For one to understand things, one should seek to understand.

And as I seek to understand, accept and maybe forgive the shortcomings of certain people, I have finally accepted that whatever that was never provided, will never be provided; whatever was forgotten to impart, will never be imparted; whatever role that was not played, will never be played.

And if being this kind of person to a person like that will forever put a deep rift between two people, then I guess, it is just the way things are.

Seeking forgiveness for someone who never even asks for it, because he never sees his faults, then is really a question that I would need to address, for yet many Lents to come. And though, a few more hours in the pew could not just erase the twenty years of tears I carried in my heart, maybe at the end of this Lenten Season, MAYBE, I can come close to that acceptance that God knows I much need.

Strawberry. But who cares anyway?

What's good about frozen margarita is that it takes me back a few years without me puking all over the place.

Eleven years ago, I met a few souls in the green grounds of the famed state university. And after a few bumps here and there, after tears over worthless fs, larger than life problems, well earned medals and a series of crazy shit, we have actually managed to stay stuck together like glue.

But the kids that were, have already traded beer bongs for a cup of peppermint tea.
And some good margarita in between. We have changed a lot. But have remained the same.

My best friend M was as deep in a mess anyone could ever be the past x number of .... She was not just sad, she was more than it. She was more than broken, she was shattered to pieces. She was hurting and we were all scared she couldn't pull through.

But as R and I met up with her tonight for some good old coffee-beer conversations, we found M back to her old self AGAIN. Honestly. Truly. The M we knew years back. Like waking up from a horrid dream, she finally found the courage to pick up the pieces and start moving on. And frankly, I am relieved.

I know it's not easy to bounce back. But it isn't impossible either. There still may be times that the lingering emptiness will manifest and would feel as if it could swallow you whole. There will still be moments when all you could do is just sit, and want to cry but no more tears will flow.

There will be those times when the scales just move from left to right, and the twix bar just don't run out of stock.

But there will be more moments of just happy laughter. Just because.

You know, I have always had the trouble of moving forward completely. And as I have repeatedly told myself that without little girl, and the important people in my life, I wouldn't have even made it to the first step.

But here I am, now.

Right here, fairly far enough to go past the clanging heavy gates.
Right here, more comfortable in my own skin.
Right here, having accepted the dysfunctional-ity of my life.
Right here, finding my worth and holding the pride I have lost along the way.
Right here, happy. on track. moving forward.

Right here, right now.

I am back again.

My anchor to Life

There are a few things/people/events in this life that I hold most dear:

1. MY daughter, Coco.
2. My sister, Corie.
3. My constantly supportive family.
4. My few good friends.
5. My passion for work.
6. Philosophy and the beauty of discussions over a cup of coffee.
7. Writing. And the ability to communicate from the heart.
8. Beautiful Pictures of stolen moments.
9. The fact that people can change: Kind hearts and kind words.
10. Shoes that come in all colors, shape and designs.
11. Watching the sunset on a quiet beach, with only the sound of reggae and my the waves.
12. Hugs and Good Night Mommie from my only love.

Little one finished on top in her toddler class. yesterday, we had our first make-up session together. And she knew instinctively which eye palettes would go well with her dress. It was exciting for both of us and we spent an hour plus experimenting on hypoallergenic blush and lip gloss. (I was too ecstatic!!)

We wore matching pearls to compliment the dresses and we celebrated with some ice cream and spaghetti, a lot of stories and laughter with a few family and a humble prayer that we are lucky to be this blessed.

I am lucky to be blessed enough to witness the every day of my little one. Everyday, I wake up and sleep, and marvel on how fast she is growing up, how fast she is learning new things. I am lucky to be given the chance to teach her things and help her grow. We are lucky to be surrounded by people who give support, time and love. We are lucky to have so many people helping little girl to be the best that she could be.

As she finishes baby school and goes on to Nursery, with her saying she is now a Small ATE, I become mushy inside and wish I can keep this baby a baby forever. Every single day is a new revelation with this little girl. Everyday, I learn to become something I wasn't before.

As the famous thinker Sophocles once said: “Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life.”, This little one right here has anchored me to a life I never knew existed.

But thankful to have discovered.

Cheers little one, to more ribbons and success in the future. Mommie is indeed very proud!

Chasing Dreams

This week, I am a full time mother: Domesticated and all.

I wake up early to prepare Coco's cereal breakfast, make her milk, fix the bed, bring her to school and even take her to afternoon park visits and sit to play Barbie for an hour plus too.

This week, I dressed in rolled up jeans and whites, in flats and in ponytails. I ran around with little girl, spent hours lounging in bed with her reading stories and watching Tangled again and again.

Went to the mall without constantly checking the time. Went for train rides and pony rides with little one, ate ice cream and indulged in candy :) We baked pop tarts and chocolate muffins. Shopped for pretty dresses and framed pictures.

This week, I am free of any stress. I am free of any pressure. AND because I am a bit far from my scheduled trip, I am able to savor the week with little girl. I actually am able to.. relax. :)

I was also able to go for my long over due run too!

And this morning, after Coco's moving up practice, we went outside to take in that bit of sun and feel the grass beneath our soles.

As I watched her run around, I had that Life is so beautiful moment.

To be able to run with the wind. Without a care.


Chase after dreams. Laugh with abandon.


Believe in the beauty of innocence.


This snapshot reminds me so much of the younger days.

JUST letting go and running free.

Thank you little girl.

In the gift of NOW

Last week went like a blur. It went so fast, I couldn't digest everything in one sitting. When I got home from almost a week-long stay in Butuan, my closest friends in the bank gave me a very heartwarming send off and I truly wished, I wouldn't have to leave them behind. They have really made my stay worthwhile. :(

And though it is a bit painful to walk away from something that has been my home for more than 3 years, I guess, as D said, we all have to move on to something better. AND well, the friendship that we have do not end with my short stint in this bank.

I'll miss the laughter that we share, the food, and even the pranks of P. I'll miss the team the most, D of course, for I have never found anyone whom I care about and who cares about me as genuinely as this woman. Like a real sister, D has never ever given me a piece of bad advise. AND as she and her husband K go through a new stage in their lives, I am hundred percent excited as they are. And I will also love their little one on the way, as much as they would.

I'll miss B and D - the angels from the different lot, for they have managed to stay true and honest and pure, despite the stress and the issues. I'll miss the couples too for in them I have seen that I guess, true love exists. D- i will always have a soft spot for you. ALWAYS!

I'll miss my baby M, who looks a lot like my daughter. lolz For I am in awe of how mature this little woman is. I'll miss baby P, because for me, he will always be a baby. ;P the innocent guy we trained to do LA work, who turned out to be the youngest AO. lolz Trixie star and all- I don't care.

I'll miss you too R- my coffee mate. yosi mate. Break free-mate. I'll miss your partner C too haha because, this girl sure has her way of cracking me up.

I'll miss my work. The stress. The pressure. The crazy accounts that I handle. I love the job, as much as I can ever describe. And I will forever save a space in my heart for the combank experience.

I'll miss the team mates who have played major roles in shaping my career. Despite the issues, the lows, and the understated chaos of everything, I am truly thankful I have met such brilliant people.

I will miss my boss - who hates me so much right now. Because once upon a time, we were a great team. And I fervently hope that he will understand why I have to leave.

I will miss Ate C- because she understands me and I understand her in a way only both of us get.

I am thankful for the memories, for the friendship. AND I am hoping that the distance between my new work and my old would truly be just a block away. I hate to lose the friendships forged to mere memories.

Today is my first day officially out of work. AND I spent it as Coco's Mom. :D I attended her (and mine's first) Parent-Teacher Meeting and I was glad that all things fell into the right schedule.

Little one finished first in her class, she's confident and is ready to move up to the next level. As I sit here, waiting for the fish to cook, I thank God for giving me the chance to become better: a better friend, a better worker, a better sister. AND of course, a better mother.

It's always beautiful to go through life changes. Because we see the beauty of the futre, and appreciate the wonders of our past.

I am ready. AND i'll see you all soon. Here or There. ;p

Break Off

I hate riding the bus for long trips. I hate the idea of having to sit with a complete stranger for hours no end and of having to endure the stops.

I hate the smell and the noise. And the tiredness that seem to cling to me after.

But you know, it hasn't always been like this. I love to travel; to see new places; to find new things and discover new perspective. I used to love long bus rides too, because it allowed me to think. and maybe dream.

Perhaps, lately, the crazy work schedule and the anxiety of shifting jobs have made me more of a grouch.

AND that, I hate more.

Today, I woke up before the sun rose. And I started my day with a prayer that this week will go better than the last two. I hope, with all my heart, that the condescending boss that I have will stop assembling an execution crew and for a moment, just forget that he disapproves my decision.

My word today is RELAX. I need to learn to just go with the flow and let things go as they should. For the past two weeks, I have been crazy running after a schedule, crazy working, crazy planning... crazy exhausted.

This week, I need to relax. I need to give these bones some much needed rest and to give my mind and heart a much needed respite. This week, I will have to time to watch the sun rise, to see my little girl's works of art, to cook some pasta or bake some cupcakes; This week, I will have time to sit for long hours, reading stories with little one, teaching her to play the piano and make more drawings.

This week, I will empty my mind of worries, shake my heart and pour out resentments and a bit of that anger and open my palms to a whole new future. This week, I will be moving forward, remembering always but never looking back.

Little one is waking up now, and as I master the art of wrapping things up quickly, I stick another post-it on my forehead: RELAX.

Strangers with Wings and a PHD

Today, I took little girl shoe hunting. And as we both love shoes, we spent most of our afternoons gazing, checking, scrutinizing the perfect pair for this picky little one.

And thankfully, we stumbled upon the perfect one- and it came at half the original price too.

On our way home from shoe sale, little one and I took the cab with the most talkative driver ever. And as I sat there listening to this stranger blab about how beautiful life is, I wonder what kind of blessing he must have stumbled upon to be this positive -- and to think, it's already towards the end of the day. While Coco dozed and I stuck pretending to be even comprehending his words, and lost in my own thoughts...

BUT Did you know that the most effective therapists come in the form of cab drivers?

For one, they are strangers looking from a third perspective. They see things from an angle that we couldn't. More often than not, their observation on things are more thorough than ours, they don't leave out what we normally ignore.

Then, these cab drivers are usually old-- not really- but they seem to have the right words all the time, at the exact moment we need them.

Or sometimes, when all we want is a moment of peace, a quiet break where we can just cry for a few minutes, they just drive in silence. Taking the extra patience to sit in a traffic jam, to allow us to sift through emotions and wipe the tears off upon stepping out. Good as brand new.

I guess, we are given some life light bulbs in the form of strangers - like this cab driver, or this guard in our office who I know to always remember to say good morning, thank you, goodbye; or this manang who gives me extra grape Frutos, just cuz she knows how much I love them.

As we drive through the streets, my little girl in my arms, Manong humming a happy tune and telling me that I must have the luckiest partner: to have such happy family, AND I think, I am indeed a truly blessed one.

And this "luckiest partner" that I have yet to meet is, uhm will be, indeed the luckiest! ;)