Growing Up

The past week had been a mess. I had been a mess.

I have never been humiliated, insulted, cheered on, inspired, tired, and completely out of sync - all in a matter of days. All in a week's time. All because of one resignation letter. One choice to finally move on.

All because I finally found the courage to break free.

A few days back, I decided to leave my comfort zone. Contrary to what most people think, and contrary to my old expectations, the decision did not come in difficulty. It was not a whim, it was well-thought out. But it was easy.

It was easy because I was lucky an opportunity came at the exact moment I needed one.

Perhaps, because it was the right time. It seemed everything in nature, everything in the world has agreed with my choice. Thus, the seemingly effortless shift.

The world has indeed conspired to make it all happen.

I am entering the last stretch of my personal banker life. And as much as I love my work, value my contribution to the team, my clients, my team mates, some people just make it difficult for me to remember this with a fond heart.

But I maintained my silence. I maintained my poise and I remained calm. I bit my tongue and pushed myself to give it one more chance. Push more til the end of the rope. I guess, when we grow older, we learn to curb our reactions. And I guess, I have finally learned to think twice before anything I do. Speak. Curse. Move. ETC.

Though I refuse to waver, refuse to break, I find myself breaking down from the insults, the sarcasm, the betrayal, the pressure, the stress... every single night.

It has taken a toll on me.

Until last night. When I rushed home to attend my daughter's presentation. She sang Heal The World on stage for a school affair.

Yesterday morning, she wanted me to stay home. Asked me to watch her sing too- she has never done that. Never asked because she knew I have to work.

So all through the stress of Friday, I decided to cut my work short and rush to little one's school. AND I have arrived, just in time to kiss her good luck before going on stage.

And you know, seeing her eyes light up when she saw me, in office heels and suit, with hair flying and phones ringing, rushing to see her sing.

It was my most MOMMY moment. I was so close to tears. AND She sang with so much passion, I wanted to tell everyone that's my kid right there. I think I kinda actually did that lolz




Indeed, that little girl standing on stage is my strength and my reason for all these choices. And that moment, I was reminded that all the work-related stres, all the work related sarcasm and insults could not bring me down.

Simply because, what matters in my life, is this little girl in a red chinese/tweety dress.



And I think, two more weeks of work hell, for sure. But who cares, bring it on. I have made the right choice of leaving the team.

Happy

Happy to find change :)

She's a girl no more

I sat there in the coffee shop, listening, answering questions thrown my way, ... Remembering things I have buried years ago.

And it was okay. I am okay.

When I heard those words, when I heard that denial, I admit it still hurt like yesterday.

I didn't flinch. I didn't move. I didn't react even.

BUT It hurt me. Pained me. Like how any mother will feel.

BUT you will not hear anything from me. Not a bit.

Because the woman who sat in that coffee shop is no longer the girl lost in M four years ago. That woman is no longer the scared one, who doesn't have a clue.

That woman is Little girl's mother. And even if it hurt me, straight in the heart, I held the damn tears in.

Because, this time, I've learned and I know better.

And this time, I know for a fact that I am not in the losing end. So no matter what you say, what every one thinks, my love for my daughter is enough.

Hearts Day :D

Just a few laughs.

A few more hugs.

A bit more of this and that.

Some good stories.

A star, a moon.

Some blooms and all.

Such is love.

Oh, what love :D

Last Day of Being a Bum

I feel sick in my stomach.

Some days, I get this- waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing. And I couldn't remember my dream or if I even had any.

I didn't get a good night sleep back until the sun rose.

Little girl went to school today, I stayed home doing work from my couch But it's such a beautiful morning to be cooped up inside. The sun is shining and the wind is cool, it feels like Monday on a run. There's so much life to my quiet little town. It's simply beautiful.

I brought my little chair outside, so I could a bit of sun and wish the dark circles under my eyes would dissipate in a timely manner. And as I continue with my bed rest, and being on the last day too, I feel like staying at home for good.

NOOOOOOOO. Not. Again.

I guess i've reached the maximum burn out level since I'm not actually wanting to sprint back to my bank job. I just want to stay nested in my old comfortable couch and run errands for little one.

The major change that I am wanting to happen is soon going to happen. And even if I try my best to suck it all up and pretend my feathers aren't ruffled, they actually are. Though I am at my best when changes happen, the actual anticipating of the change to occur always leaves me well, stressed out. Somehow.

I think too much, everyone says. And because I think about things, words, situations over and over, I anticipate changes more than the ordinary. And now, I feel like it's a bad thing.

So this morning, I'm just gonna sit here under the sun, with my laptop and research materials and I savor the quiet and peace. Without a care in the world. Without any pressure from the boss, from my clients, from my transactions..... Just waiting for little girl to come home from school so we can start making little muffins.

I'm just gonna sit here and figure out how to make Misua seem like not Misua for lunch. lolz

Word for the day: EVAH (Everrrrrr)

Lil gurl and I are huddled in bed, watching tangled for the Nth Time and I sit here with my laptop, I pretend i'm watching.

She keeps an eye of what I'm doing and screams: "You're not watching!" everytime the keyboard makes the slightest sound.

And so, suffice to note, I am the most quiet keyboard handler/encoder/writer EVAH.
lolz

The mother/witch in Tangled says that with much class: EVAH and little one has been waiting for that cue, and injects the word in every sentence she could, to put emphasis on her point. EVAH. And I'm just like: whatttt?

During dinner earlier tonight, little girl was quick to point out we've been having noodles for the past N days, and she's sick of it:

C: Ma, misua again?
Me: What's wrong with Misua?? I added real tomatoes this time.
C: You said no more Noodles.
Me: We're still sick, so we eat noodles. Tonight, we eat Misua.
C: THINKS for a really long time and says: So all Chinese are sick most of the time?


GREAT.

C: I'm having Bangus instead. Pla-pla made me fried bangus, without To-yo..
Me: Ok, But you're still having Misua (I'm not letting this go!!)
C: Fine. But you will have to promise not to serve Misua EVAH EVAH EVAH

LOLZ, with both of us rolling our eyes, i conceded. I will never let Misua go anyhow!

So after dinner, we sprinted back and I asked her if we can brush teeth before watching Tangled. And she shrugged and said: NEVAH.

At least, that's an added N to the classy EVAH.

Sigh. Raising a smart daughter is like a never-ending word-fight. And she's just three!

BUCKET LIST of sorts

X - Watch an international artist's concert LIVE - Y's bucket list, with a huge X on the side.

We're off to watch Bruno Mars this summer, and this summer, we're going on a road trip :) Me and the gang are heading out to some good fun, beach and sun. and some! So, as we get busy reserving our tickets, booking flights and finding places to stay in, we just couldn't help but be over the top excited about it.

Well, I know I am. Been grinning like a Chesire cat for the past days, grinning without really caring to know why. OR Grinning cuz I KNOOOOW a lot nowadays. lolz

Anyhow, with all the talk on bucket lists and life goals, it got me thinking, maybe it is time I create a new one. Add up new things, delete some old, maybe make it a more creative and daring.

I wanted to take a peek into Y's list, (so, L, you're right, I wanna compare it to mine!) and as she started rolling her list to me: sky dive, bungee jump, MARRY, travel... I don't know if I can like actually cheat here.

Sky Dive?
Marry?

ULK.

So this year, my bucket list looked like this:

10. Visit our good friends L and C, and spend a whole day shopping. and talking. and just being surrounded by years of solid friendship.
9. 30 Years from now, hold my granddaughter/grandson in my arms and watch the little family I have, knowing I have raised my little girl well.
8. Create my dream kitchen, where one can always find a cup of hot chocolate and banana pancakes.
7. Sit in a corner cafe in Paris, sipping espresso and taking in the beautiful sun.
6. Buy myself a Kate Spade. and throw in another gucci!!!!!!!!!!
5. Conquer my fear of heights: do a canopy walk LOLZ (safe!)
4. Hold little one's hands as she takes on her first graduation march, flies away to College, takes her first diploma, wins her first competition, walks down the aisle, looking radiant and beautiful... I want to be there in all her FIRSTS.
3. Retire as a VP of a bank. (LOLZ, honest!!)
2. Write and publish a book (chicsinglemommie OMG!)

and of course, ULK indeed,

1. Get married to a wonderful guy, who will love me and accept me for who and what I am, and who will love little girl as his own.. and whom I will love equally back. :)

How does your bucket list look like now? Let me know! :D

ACK

The only good thing about being sick is I get to lose weight.lolz
I lost 4kgs in a matter of days, which would have normally allowed me months to lose.
And I'm hoping i'm gonna fit back into four, and keep my normal work-out routine at a minimum.

I have been feeding on nothing but Lugaw. And Malunggay. And a bit of pansit here and there.

Although normally, I would have retained a healthy appetite, the last few days were a struggle to get anything in. Or to keep anything in. And even if I slept and slept for hours, I couldn't get rid of the dark circles under my eyes.

Ack. What a sight.

I need an extreme make-over. Like a hair color. A facial. A trim. A pamper. A bubble bath. A luxurious massage...

I need a pretty day-off... sigh.

Getting Ready for a Leap: Views from the sick bed

My doctor has confined me to a five-day bed rest with only a few hours allowed on the laptop with absolutely zero work involved. And I wonder if I should really take it all, I'm thinking I can't afford to lose much time.

BUT I have never been this sick in my entire life either. I swear.

For the last two days, I was surrounded with a box of tissue, water, medicines and my Cocobear lovingly putting an icepack on my burning forehead and telling me if I squirm or even try to avoid the cold pack, she's calling her pedia. lolz

And because I have never felt so helpless or tired ever too, I did not resist even a bit.

Yesterday, I went to the office to finish off audit, settled a few transactions and informed my boss that I think I'm taking a time off. Ten minutes later, I collapsed in the cab with the highest grade fever ever. It scared me a bit.

So, as I re-think the numerous options I have been listing and re-listing, yesterday was kind of a show-stopper for me. Or a lighted bulb im my mind. Or a good bang in the head.

My working so hard, my showing up for work despite the feeling of almost fainting, the trying-hard to excel isn't really just for me, myself and I. However, It certainly isn't for my boss (haha). It's actually for my daughter's future. Nothing BUT.

But you know, when I push too hard and find myself in bed for days at a time, risking the only wealth I own, I feel like this isn't what really little one deserves.

I cannot be sick precisely because little one needs me 24/7. No sick days off.
And though I know getting sick is like a given, being totally incapacitated- with the burning fever and an acute pneumonia is too scary and frankly, too much for even this single mommie.

And as I sat there yesterday, watching but not completely hearing my boss talk to me about work and the new KRA, budget, acccount movements, etc. I kinda had the epiphany that he might not really have it in his heart that I am sick as sick could be.

And that he could just replace me when i can no longer give a hundred and ten percent. Losing me wouldn't be too much of a big loss for his dream team.

So, here I am in bed, justifying why I should start looking for another job: A job that is about 80% less the pressure and the demand or a job that is kinda in that level but pays double and a plus.

I'm taking my chances on the latter since I know I can take on whatever pressure (whatever budget) you throw my way. Either way, it's something different from where I am standing now.

Hope in a Mug of Milk Chocolate

I have always believed in miracles. Just as I have always believed in the power of prayer.

Yesterday was a manic Monday for me, it started almost all wrong. The rain never stopped pouring, It's still kinda wet and cold today. Mr. Sun is nowhere to be seen. Little girl was feverish and it was a month-end that left me with a disheveled do and a faded blush. My boss arrived from C yesterday too, just as our auditors happen to arrive one after another too. In between multiple transactions, meetings, client calls, audit reviews and the like, I got an unexpected phone call in the middle of my rainy afternoon.

And just like what my personal M told me, it was what it was.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, it was just like in my prayers dating from Day 1: The day has finally arrived. My long wait is almost over. And the long sadness, that seesaws from a variety of emotions brought by being plunged from that memory back and forth, the whole circus... And the lingering questions that NEVER stopped pouring in.. It's almost on the end of the line.

I imagined IT a thousand and one times in my head. I imagined how I would feel, what will I say, what will I hear, how will I react... How the other end will play out... And it wasn't really what I hoped for. It was GOOD- no, better actually.

I sat there in the T room for a full half hour, just trying to let it all sink in. Trying to comprehend what just happened. Trying to feel SOMETHING. I imagined feeling hurt all over again, but no, unbelievably, it was anything but that. Of all the things I have felt (or expected to feel), I only felt happiness AND relief. Relief that finally, the whole thing is going to an end. Believe it or not. I am happy.

The chapter will be closed. finished. ended. ETC!! :D

I know, it is FAAAAAR from over. But we're getting there. And the sheer idea of it rolling now, I feel like a detainee waiting for the whole fiasco to end.

I'm almost there.

Last night, I came home tired but hopeful. I carried with me in the rain a box of Coco's milk, anti-biotics and fever medicines and a whole lot of optimism in my bag. She's my baby girl, the first miracle I have witnessed in the last four years.

And last night, it was my other HUGE miracle. It was one thing I have prayed for so bad. Because you know, there's peace in mind. Peace in my heart. Peace in his heart.
It was one thing I prayed and prayed for me and little girl. Because when I became a mother to this child, my only wish is to live a peaceful life and to be able to raise my daughter the best way possible.

Little girl and I snuggled in our little couch, clutching warm milk chocolate mugs and watching the rain drops and talked about little things that dot our little world. This is our world, me and little girl and we both find it perfect. We are at peace with this and we are happy. This is all I can ever want in my life: a quiet night with my only little girl, my only love of my life.

One thing I learned, as I sat in bed watching little girl sleeping soundly, waiting to see her fever break, I have learned to forgive myself for all the "mistakes" I have inadvertently taken. And I feel that forgetting will soon happen. And soon, it's just going to be a portion of a colorful past. Only a past in a memory somewhere.

For the first time in four years, I slept with a hopeful smile. I slept knowing that miracles like this still happen, and will continue to happen. Just have faith.

Thank you, God. Thank you for this wonderful break and for the chance to re-live life again. For a second chance in everything and starting fresh, starting different. I hope this will continue rolling until we reach the end.

Hopeful. Nothing but. ♥