My anchor to Life

There are a few things/people/events in this life that I hold most dear:

1. MY daughter, Coco.
2. My sister, Corie.
3. My constantly supportive family.
4. My few good friends.
5. My passion for work.
6. Philosophy and the beauty of discussions over a cup of coffee.
7. Writing. And the ability to communicate from the heart.
8. Beautiful Pictures of stolen moments.
9. The fact that people can change: Kind hearts and kind words.
10. Shoes that come in all colors, shape and designs.
11. Watching the sunset on a quiet beach, with only the sound of reggae and my the waves.
12. Hugs and Good Night Mommie from my only love.

Little one finished on top in her toddler class. yesterday, we had our first make-up session together. And she knew instinctively which eye palettes would go well with her dress. It was exciting for both of us and we spent an hour plus experimenting on hypoallergenic blush and lip gloss. (I was too ecstatic!!)

We wore matching pearls to compliment the dresses and we celebrated with some ice cream and spaghetti, a lot of stories and laughter with a few family and a humble prayer that we are lucky to be this blessed.

I am lucky to be blessed enough to witness the every day of my little one. Everyday, I wake up and sleep, and marvel on how fast she is growing up, how fast she is learning new things. I am lucky to be given the chance to teach her things and help her grow. We are lucky to be surrounded by people who give support, time and love. We are lucky to have so many people helping little girl to be the best that she could be.

As she finishes baby school and goes on to Nursery, with her saying she is now a Small ATE, I become mushy inside and wish I can keep this baby a baby forever. Every single day is a new revelation with this little girl. Everyday, I learn to become something I wasn't before.

As the famous thinker Sophocles once said: “Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life.”, This little one right here has anchored me to a life I never knew existed.

But thankful to have discovered.

Cheers little one, to more ribbons and success in the future. Mommie is indeed very proud!

Chasing Dreams

This week, I am a full time mother: Domesticated and all.

I wake up early to prepare Coco's cereal breakfast, make her milk, fix the bed, bring her to school and even take her to afternoon park visits and sit to play Barbie for an hour plus too.

This week, I dressed in rolled up jeans and whites, in flats and in ponytails. I ran around with little girl, spent hours lounging in bed with her reading stories and watching Tangled again and again.

Went to the mall without constantly checking the time. Went for train rides and pony rides with little one, ate ice cream and indulged in candy :) We baked pop tarts and chocolate muffins. Shopped for pretty dresses and framed pictures.

This week, I am free of any stress. I am free of any pressure. AND because I am a bit far from my scheduled trip, I am able to savor the week with little girl. I actually am able to.. relax. :)

I was also able to go for my long over due run too!

And this morning, after Coco's moving up practice, we went outside to take in that bit of sun and feel the grass beneath our soles.

As I watched her run around, I had that Life is so beautiful moment.

To be able to run with the wind. Without a care.


Chase after dreams. Laugh with abandon.


Believe in the beauty of innocence.


This snapshot reminds me so much of the younger days.

JUST letting go and running free.

Thank you little girl.

Growing Up

The past week had been a mess. I had been a mess.

I have never been humiliated, insulted, cheered on, inspired, tired, and completely out of sync - all in a matter of days. All in a week's time. All because of one resignation letter. One choice to finally move on.

All because I finally found the courage to break free.

A few days back, I decided to leave my comfort zone. Contrary to what most people think, and contrary to my old expectations, the decision did not come in difficulty. It was not a whim, it was well-thought out. But it was easy.

It was easy because I was lucky an opportunity came at the exact moment I needed one.

Perhaps, because it was the right time. It seemed everything in nature, everything in the world has agreed with my choice. Thus, the seemingly effortless shift.

The world has indeed conspired to make it all happen.

I am entering the last stretch of my personal banker life. And as much as I love my work, value my contribution to the team, my clients, my team mates, some people just make it difficult for me to remember this with a fond heart.

But I maintained my silence. I maintained my poise and I remained calm. I bit my tongue and pushed myself to give it one more chance. Push more til the end of the rope. I guess, when we grow older, we learn to curb our reactions. And I guess, I have finally learned to think twice before anything I do. Speak. Curse. Move. ETC.

Though I refuse to waver, refuse to break, I find myself breaking down from the insults, the sarcasm, the betrayal, the pressure, the stress... every single night.

It has taken a toll on me.

Until last night. When I rushed home to attend my daughter's presentation. She sang Heal The World on stage for a school affair.

Yesterday morning, she wanted me to stay home. Asked me to watch her sing too- she has never done that. Never asked because she knew I have to work.

So all through the stress of Friday, I decided to cut my work short and rush to little one's school. AND I have arrived, just in time to kiss her good luck before going on stage.

And you know, seeing her eyes light up when she saw me, in office heels and suit, with hair flying and phones ringing, rushing to see her sing.

It was my most MOMMY moment. I was so close to tears. AND She sang with so much passion, I wanted to tell everyone that's my kid right there. I think I kinda actually did that lolz




Indeed, that little girl standing on stage is my strength and my reason for all these choices. And that moment, I was reminded that all the work-related stres, all the work related sarcasm and insults could not bring me down.

Simply because, what matters in my life, is this little girl in a red chinese/tweety dress.



And I think, two more weeks of work hell, for sure. But who cares, bring it on. I have made the right choice of leaving the team.

Faith.Trust. AND Pixie Dust

I've been quiet for some time.

Apart from the almost too busy schedule, I wanted to savor the silence in me and the quietness that I feel around. But to keep mum about a lot of things and to not write down my thoughts for stretches of time seem to me a little strange. And to go on not writing about any thing seems a become more difficult as days go by.

Lately, I have been spending more time with little girl. Yes, at times I wish it could be like this every single day, if only I can work and take her with me along is possible... Yaya Inday has also taken an extended vacation, and I have been little girl's nanny and all around household help for the long holiday.

I remember how difficult it used to be for me. Like pushing a truck in an uphill and winding road, juggling chores, nanny duty, writing and office work always left me drained and exhausted.

But recently, I find it better. Not a breeze but much easier than before! As if I am born to do all things all at once and alone too. lolz I'm not so sure if lil girl and I have gotten past the stage of terrible twos and threes (though she's still, as she puts it: "three goyng fouh"), but she and I haven't been clashing head on for some time now. AND it IS GREAT!

She listens when I tell her so. Keeps quiet when silence is required; she manages to stow away her toys at the end of the day; she doesn't scream on top of her lungs when she doesn't get what she wants; she even remembers to brush her teeth and say her prayers, without me having to remind her all the time.

Suddenly, mommiehood is not soooo difficult. As if the whole universe has conspired to give me a break :D

Maybe because I have learned that in order to make things work:

1. I need to sleep early and wake up early to make time and energy for everything.

2. Practice a Coco and Mommie time and keep it on a daily basis. And we never fail to pray together.

3. Establish an effective communication channel with my daughter, that involves asking her opinion about things and listening to her observations- no matter how mundane.

4. Realize that by not giving in to her every whim and demand is possible and is actually good for the both of us!

5. Give her small roles: lil one is in charge of clearing out the table after meals and in straightening her bed before sleep. Making her part of the chores and tasks that I need to do entails me not having to keep on hollering "sit down", "behave" and "later"

6. Value the little moments when we can squeeze in fun and laughter.

7. Follow my own rules so lil one listens when I reiterate the house rules.

8. Injected the nice phrases like please, thank you and you're welcome every chance I get.

9. That in order to get my point across, never sugar-coat or scream. Tried logic, and everytime I get to answer her whys, she believes and does not give me a hard time.

10 And lastsly, a mother will always be the best nanny a child will ever have.

I am technically still a newbie to this motherhood thing. AND it is a learning process. As the days go by, I take in words of wisdom from different mommies out there, single or otherwise. But I think I can say I have adjusted beautifully :D Lil one is just amazing. She never fails to make me feel like a superstar.

So this 2011, we didn't really make resolutions. We mapped out dreams and plans instead. This year, we're going to spend a lot of time together travelling. And eternalize milestones by hanging the moments in our wall of love :D We both promised to be kind to each other when tantrums and mood swings set in (lolz) and to always remember that we are the best partners in crime in the history of mankind.

On NYE, little one asked me if we can ever find the "daddy" for the both of us. AND honestly, I wasn't to give her a decent answer. Cuz frankly, mommie doesn't know everything- this particularly! lolz Maybe I can get back to her in about five NYEs time.

You know, if our world is this quiet, this seemingly perfect, why would we need to rock our boat by adding someone in? Both of us get sea sick easy.

Anyhow.. as we quietly started the first few days of this year, we both spent it playing with her toys, reading her books and watching tinkerbelle over and over. We made cakes and cooked stews and made salads together too.

And yes, found a new weekend date in her too: Starbux and a movie with little one is the best. :)

Travel Assignments and Firsts

My recent trip to the sleepy city of Butuan was one of the most productive trips I've ever done. It was also one of those riddled with "Firsts" and has ended with me bagging a lot of "Good Jobs", which I am really proud of.

Did you know that Butuan is a rich city, blessed with fertile soil, abundant water and a people built for hardwork? If I had imagined Butuan as quiet and slow, I was in for a big surprise to see a lot of similarities between my city and B. The beautiful landscape and the pesudo-busy streets provides a balance between work and leisure. There is life to the city, but just enough so as not to disturb the natural balance of things.

It was tranquility in a jar, almost serene.

This trip, I have:

1. Learned to ride the bus alone to a place I have never been to.
2. Memorized my schedule and store it in my head without mistake.
3. Found out that I can do my job without losing heart
4. Understood why I landed this job and is actually really loving IT
5. Observed that wherever I go, I end up ordering an eggplant dish for one meal the least.
6. Been wondering why my age is considered TOO YOUNG when I already feel like ALMOST TOO OLD. and wondering why being young is equated with being ignorant of the world. (TRY ME)
7. Realized that though I love the work, it will take me a while to get used to sleeping alone in hotels, eating take out or eating out with clients, and not having little within arms length.


BUT you know, as long as I keep my promises to little one, everything will work out great. Like a keeper of time, she did count the number of sleeps she did alone. AND just as I had promised, on the third night since I rode the bus, I am back home.

On my way back, Booboo texted me if I am on my way and when I asked why he replied with: Because little one is waiting for you.

And at that exact moment, in the middle of nowhere- riding the seemingly endless winding road, I KNOW that nothing will ever come close to the happiness or the amazing feat of being a mother. Because no matter how "proud" I was in my work accomplishments the days before, that very moment, the very image of little one quietly sitting and waiting is and will ALWAYS be the proudest in my life.

The spare afternoon I got today (from arriving early from my trip) was well spent. I went with little girl to school and watched her practice their routine for grandparents' day on Monday.

She is a natural dancer :D such grace!! such poise. I felt tears of joy well up. ( I know, drama!!)

SIGH. you know what Butuan has that CDO doesn't? Margie's- lttle girl's only wish for me to bring home.

So I did. A bagful of Margie's to my little girl's delight!

P.S. I found a classic butterfly sleeve blouse for a steal- an addition to my treasury of great finds :D pictures of the B trip and lil one's practice to follow... for now, some much needed shut eye!

Stay at Home Mommie

I'm cramming my second to the last article before dinner time. I NEED to submit this ten hours ago. OHMYS*** right?

I am so desperate for something new. I know that this decision to stay with where I am right now was not a hasty one. It was long thought over and long contemplated upon. I know this is the right decision.

But why the hell do I feel so not right? Like I made a huuuugggee ass mistake in doing so. It's all summed up in a few letters, 11 letters to be exact. And my boss is gonna be here again next week.

And as I spent my day at home nursing a bad tummy (SLLLLIGGGHTTT), going with Coco to class and spending time with her kind-hearted teacher and the other equally friendly guardians, drawing circles with lil one, writing articles, attending a healing mass, and cooking dinner - I realized how much I'd love it if I choose to be a stay at home mom.

Don't you ever get these days?

When you just wanna kick off your stilettos and don a pair of flats?
Throw away your stockings and lounge in jeans?
Cook breakfast and afford to stay a minute longer cuz you're not rushing?
Wake up and not cram everything in few minutes, crazy multi-tasking of managing a conversation, putting on make-up and preparing your kid's backpack?
Take your kid to school and have mommy-talks with the other mommies?
Sit down for dinner with your little one?
Sit down for LUNCH with your family and watch your kid go around in circles on her bike?
Have really long and multiple reading-a-story times?


How much would I ever give, just to have that kinda life.

If I had the chance, I would grab it. With arms wide open, I'd welcome that change.

But before that bake me a cake picture, I'm guessing I need to come up with (bummer) reality check. And an action plan where I'd source my cashflow.

Makes me think of:

* holding a garage sale to sell all my shoes, except for my favorite Steve Madden.
* selling kwek2x!
* Selling all my bags!!
* become a part-time traffic aid during weekday mornings. lol, im sure manong traffic aid would wanna retire by now.
* get paid for surfing FB too much.
* offer make-up learning sessions for those who wanna look better
* stop eating, stop sleeping and write write write
* or earn from this too much blogging :)

OR I can pray for a miracle and hope that my family reads this and offer me a job at home.

LOL.sigh.

Laughing off Embarassment

Coco's first week at school was fun for her. She loved running around the playroom, chasing the ball, folding art papers and singing nursery rhymes. And she learned to sit properly too :)

Yesterday, my lil one experienced her first embarassing moment. And as I listened to her yaya tell me about it over the phone, my heart pounded like a bird trapped in a cage. I was scared for my lil one!

Coco, with all the glee and laughter, kept running around until her shorts snapped and fell to her knees. And since it's her first time to not wear her diapers and she's way conscious of her undergarments, her eyes went wide with shock.

And the room went quiet for a bit and her classmates erupted in laughter.

I could have fainted. I was sure she would cry. I was sure she's not gonna come back to the playroom. I was sure she'd wail like a baby. I was about to panic.

But I was wrong.

She gathered her shorts, held it at her hips and stuck out her tongue to each of her classmates.

And she went to her teacher to have her shorts fixed. And she grinned and went back playing.

I laughed. I was relieved. I was happy.

The second time she ran around squealing and her shorts snapped again, she gathered it again and exclaimed, "nahulog nasad bah.." (it fell off again) and laughed. Her classmates laughed with her. AND she fixed it herself.

Talk about overcoming embarrassing moments gracefully!

When I got home, I didn't want to ask her about it but she did share it with me and recounted the story just as her yaya narrated it to me. And she said it with so much laughter in her eyes, I swear it didn't leave a trace of trauma for her. LOL

And as I listened to her, watched the lil mermaid for the nth time with her last night, I knew my lil one is stronger than I am.

Because she can fight, can stand up for herself. can laugh at situations. can get over like a bouncing ball.

That Friday moment, I realized how blessed my little one is.

She is blessed with so much love, there isn't any room for insecurities. She is blessed with so much happiness, she can laugh at mistakes and fool around small tumbles.

And I am so blessed to have such a wonderful daughter, who I know will be ready for anything. At such a young age, this lil girl can take on the world, chase after her dreams and stand up high on a mountain with the stars on her hand.

THIS has got to come rolling with the other poud mommie moments I have!

Of noise and cheers

A week back, I couldn't stop writing. The words just kept pouring in, like rain showers on a rainy season, it's just bound to come around. Suddenly, I find myself staring at the monitor wishing for a drop. Thinking nothing, doing nothing, writing nothing.

Writing anything but something I badly wanna write about.

Tonight, I had dinner with two of my best friends in the whole world. It's been ten short years since we sat at the back row on agri class trying to hatch chicks and sneaking out to buy tempura and lots of coke. The four of us- B,K,Y and me cannot be any different than night and day or black and white. We are four crazies in different suits. But for the life of me, I couldn't imagine a life without them. And I feel overwhelmed by how blessed I am to have friends who know me by heart.

They love me for who I am and we love each other like blood sisters. Remember the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants? like that. Maybe even more. If you search a little more closely, you'll find a lot of shiny gems like BYK (and my sis C, cuz T,K), and my dearests A,J,M,R.. and the new ones I found along the way (D,B,R).

They were there when I struggled with my huge belly lost in the maze of M. Y did a week-end bed rest when my OB advised me to do so. They were there when I (or C) couldn't even begin to understand what being in the ICU means. K flew in from Amsterdam and C from Hongkong, straight into Med City when I couldn't cry anymore because I'm too scared. They were there when all I wanted to do was crawl in and die. They were there with a phone cradled on their shoulders frantically trying to spew words of advice oceans away.

They were there when I first held my little girl in my arms and thanked God for such a bundle of joy. They listened to me talk endlessly about lil one, loved her equally the same too. They gave her hugs and laughter and loved us like any family would welcome a new one.

They were there when my little one first learned to walk. first learned to talk. first learned to blow her birthday candle. first learned the meaning of love. first learned how to ride the bike. They were there in every single turn.

My first promotion. My crazy ass achievements. My twisted writing stints. my first attempt in baking and cooking.

My best friends - We bickered, we bitched, we could even scratch out each other's eyeballs sometimes but we were always the four peas in a pod, the four-leaf clover in a sea of grass. We still are plainly,simply us- like the same four lil girls in sailor uniforms struggling to balance physics, literature, pressure and dreams.

Single motherhood surely has the bad days- when tired, sad, lonely, overwhelmed has just been mashed up so you couldn't tell the difference. I have always believed that losing and winning is just the same - like the one from glee: the cheers and the boos are both the same, they're just noise. The only difference is the attitude on how we take them in.

Yeah, I have been in a long bumpy ride more than I have anticipated, and not every turn has been great. But strapped beside me is my little one, plus my four best friends, a loving sister, a string of beautiful heart-ed friends, my whole crazy beautiful family and my faith- and I know that however bumpy this road is gonna be, I'll get there.

One day at a time.

One turn at a time.

Anything but THAT

The other night, I got home from a long day's work and found my little one burning with fever.

And I almost panicked and wondered aloud how can she still have 38 temp when she's already got medicine for her asthma, for her fever, for her cough... AND I found her sitter with grandma's sitter, watching soap after soap, forgetting she also needs Paracetamol besides the cold baths. Forgetting that the medicine sched, my numbers, the emergency phone pasted on the fridge is there for a reason. I keep calling every two hours for a reason: DON't give me the "SHE's OKAY" when my little girl isn't!

I almost went ballistic.

I was way over my head mad. But I didn't say a word. Because I cried. Out of frustration, out of tiredness, out of despair.. I'm not quite sure. I cried because I feel like I just couldn't take it in anymore.

30 Minutes after I gave Coco the fever meds, and a few ice trays and bowls of cold water later, her temperature went back to 36.8. And finally, my little girl was able to sleep.

Someone told me that I was mad at myself more than at the yaya. And that I should not pass on my responsibilities to the sitter because primarily, I should be the one at her bedside.

AND that STING. Still makes me cry to hear it reverberate in my head.

Because if I had not been out working, trying to stay financially afloat, providing for my little one's future, THEN I deserved to be told that. If I had been wasting a minute sitting somewhere and letting the yaya administer care alone, then I deserved to be slapped with the word irresponsible.

BUT I wasn't.

I was out 14 hours because I have a dayjob, a second marketing job and a crazy ass schedule of sprinting from the farm,to the bank, to the marketing stint and back home. AND in between those hours, I've taken my little girl to her pulmo, bought medicines, nebulized or in Coco's better days, getting her a new bike or taking her out to lunch. AND at night, I don't even sleep because I administer medicine and cold baths. Or writing because we have bills to pay and savings to keep!

She thinks my life is easy and laid-back. Just because I hired two sitters to ensure the safety of my little one does not mean I am not a hands-on mom. Just because I don't look pauper-ish doesn't mean I have no financial troubles. Just because I am always in control doesn't mean that things don't go spinning.

Just because I can afford to bark orders and have multiple jobs doesn't mean that I am less of a mother.

Because primarily, I am a mother. Above all else, I am Coco's mom. And I am also her dad. Have you ever tried being both? Tell me how easy it is.

Above all else, my little girl comes first. In everything I do, Coco comes first. One day, when Coco wakes up and asks who the hell I am and I wake up not knowing ever inch and every smell of my little girl, then maybe I can be called irresponsible.

BUT today, don't call me that. Because I may be a lot of things but I certainly am not that. Never that.

My Mother is A Princess in a Superhero Costume

I always get sentimental on Mother's Day. But this year, it's a bit different. My little one spent it with the whole family, with the usual family Sunday Lunch- we took out our pyrexes from the cupboards and filled the room with fresh flowers in transparent vases. Each mom (except for lola grandma who is the Queen Bee) zapped a few secret recipes that deserved the ahhhs and ooohhs and brilliant comments from everyone. :)

It was a lovely lunch on such a humid day.

Afterwards, me and my cuzn T went on a tagalog movie marathon, with all the corny lines, pinoy dances and crazy love plots, we were actually, anything but puking. I happen to actually like it (Ssssshhh!! I'd never admit this in public! LOL) and maybe planning to get more of the classic Sharon Cuneta dvds. LOL When my little one woke up from her afternoon nap, I took her to visit my mom's tomb. Brought flowers and scented tea lights and with my little one in tow, I said a few prayers of remembrance. And I told Coco some stories about mommie's mommie.

I spent my third mother's day going back to my roots and loving the complicated family I am blessed with. As a solo parent, i'm taking all the credit for raising such a beautiful child (nyahaha) but I also give this honor to my lil sister, C, who has been Coco's second mom. And to all my aunts, and of course, queen bee Lola who throw in some good and strong love in between.

I've read somewhere that a mother is the place where we will always run to in times of happiness, success, sadness or fear. Our mothers will always be the only person who will understand and whose love will always endure. I will always be the Home Coco will always come back to, with a grin, a laugh or even tears on her eyes.

I'm not sure if my Coco has any idea what today is, nor did I really feel the hype of the day much, BUT today is such a special day. I know I am happy today, to realize that my little one has always treated me special in all my ordinary days.

She always brings me yellow flowers when she finds and happens to pick one.
She gives me tight hugs every single chance she gets and especially on days I feel so overwhelmed and so alone. She knows how to say "I'm Sorry" and mean it. She knows her manners, helps in my cooking and baking and looks at me lovingly like i'm some kind of hero. She always assures me that I am the best mom in the world... Most importantly? She makes me feel that I am right in giving all my love to this one little person who makes me her whole life too.

I am a woman capable of loving whole heartedly, unconditionally.. I am a woman raised to become independent, strong willed and strong hearted. I am also a woman born and molded into becoming a mother of love. All these, thanks to my beautiful mother whose love transcended heaven and earth and has unceasingly watched over me and my sis, C. And of course, to the many pseudo moms who have endured on raising and straightening a lil brat as me hihi

Motherhood is never easy. But it certainly is the most rewarding.

Happy Mommie's Day, all. Love to all the mothers! Indeed, we are all SuperWomen. :)

This thing we call L O V E

I woke up in the middle of the night to see photographer B's link.. and I knew I couldn't sleep back anymore. It's really, serious, the most beautiful i have seen... It is everything I want the pictures to be! Invokes a lot of feelings and it tells a lot of how we really are as a family.

And the part I love most? There's a shot of me and Coco that I am reminded of my mom.

Sigh. It was mom's death anniversary yesterday. And as I went about my usual tasks for the day, I keep think about how there's always a nagging feeling and wonder if I still have her by my side. I miss her. I still miss her every single day. And though I know she is happy in heaven, I also wish that her time here could have been a bit longer.

I wish she could have seen Coco. I wish she could have held her in her arms, hear Coco tell stories, her her laugh.. I wish she could see me being a mom too.

Sometimes, I think, my being a good mom stems from the fact that I had a good one. And that despite the short stint she had in this lifetime, it was all the time it took for her to make me and corie feel very loved.

As she has loved me, I will love my daughter as much also, and even more. I miss you ma, and I love you ever day of my life.

www.bonaserios.com

Happy Birthday, Ma.

It was my mom's birthday yesterday. Coco and I woke up early to go to church and light a candle for her. It's been 18 years since she passed away but I've never really gotten used to the fact that she's really gone. I don't think you'd ever get over losing a mother. I don't really remember much of her, cuz she passed away when I was still young. But I could remember vividly the bits and pieces that I could.

Now that I am older, those bits and pieces fit the whole puzzle and a bigger picture was built. I got to know my mom based on what I originally perceived her to be. And I got to know her through the pictures me and Corie have. When we were little, I remember asking my dad stories about mom. It was our way of coping with her death. But I remember him shutting himself in his room for hours, and days. And I really couldn't remember anything he told us about her except that she was a good woman. Well, that was his own way of coping.

I still think about things being different if she were alive. Cuz I still miss her. And now that I have Coco, I want my daughter to learn more about her grandmother too. And her passing away always reminds me that we are all transits in this lifetime. We all get to pass once and we don't really know at what station we'd get off. So it's always better to make the most of anything. Every year, her birthday reminds me of the things we should be thankful for.

With the short time I spent with her, she has taught me everything a mother should know and taught me everything a woman should be. Like what D said, I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be.

I miss you mom, I know you're happy now. You'd be happy to know that me and Corie have grown to be better persons. Know that you will always be loved and that you are missed every single day.

If this isn't love, I don't know what Love is.

It's funny that no matter how tired we are, when we see the little girl's face light up and feel her warm embrace, we always find more time and more energy to do more things. Tonight when I got home, with my office bag, notebook and cake cardboard boxes in tow, my little girl's arms came flying to give me the warmest and tightest embrace. And I know, with my Coco in my life, it ought to be enough. It ought to be complete.

When I am sad, I write. When I am worried, I clean the room over and over. When I am resolved to feel better and lighter and happier, I bake. And so for the past days, I baked and baked and baked. and wrote and wrote and wrote. I do this when my head is too cluttered with a lot of things and I feel like things are just too hazy for me understand. Sometimes, I just wanna cry. And I wish I could tell myself that it's alright to feel this worst. But since I don't want to wail and cry or admit that I also take bullets and feel the pain, I made carrot cinnamon cakes and chocolate moists. And I spent my nights painting and drawing with Coco. And watching Barney too.

She made me a litlle card you know. With a heart and small circles and big circles. And she made me draw Barney with a heart and flowers on the inside. And she said, help me write my name mom. And don't forget: I love you, Mommie on top. AWWW...





If this isn't love, I don't know what love is.

If I could freeze the moment and keep it in a locket, I'd bring it everywhere so i would be reminded that there is this one little person who loves me purely, unconditionally, whole heartedly. .. And for this, I believe in hearts day.

When the night is deep and the noises have died down, I only pray that I will be a good mom to Coco and be all that a parent should be. For my childhood and hers, I think and I pray that I would be.

Baked Spaghetti and Grilled Garlic Chicken for the sad heart

Tonight, I baked Coco some good spaghetti and made grilled garlic chicken on the side. Since my little gurl couldn't eat the usual mushroom sauce on top, I made it with fresh non-fat milk. It was still good, but you know something is missing. Three hours after chopping, mixing, cooking and baking, dinner was ready. She was sitting in her usual place, napkin on one hand, her fruitina juice on the other. When I took out the baked spag from the oven, she grinned her award winning grin and told me She's super hungry.

I told her, it's not super great, that I think there is something kulang.. but she went on to help herself a spoonful and raised two thumbs up. And no matter how tired I was, trying to fix a perfect dish, I felt like i've just made some award winning dish. lol

If you're having a bad day, a bad week or a bad month, try whipping up comfort food to make you feel better.

Baked Spaghetti and Twists

Olive Oil
Half kg ground meat
A kilo spaghetti noodles
2 huge packs tomato and cheese
1 small tomato sauce
half block cheddar cheese
a stalk of broccoli and some potato halves, diced finely
onion, garlic, and salt to taste
three cups non-fat milk
cornstarch to thicken (two tablespoons)
dash of Parmesan cheese and some good loving

Sautee onion and garlic, with ground meat
Add the vegetables and some of the white pepper and garlic powder
Mix well with the tomato and cheese and tomato sauce,
Include some good stories and hearty laughter
Allow the sauce to simmer and grate the cheddar onto the mixture
Mix thoroughly and
Dash a bit of salt and a grin or two
Add the drained pasta and allow the sauce and pasta to mix
Set the pasta onto your baking pan
Top with the milk/white sauce mixture and parmesan cheese
Set your oven at a good enough temperature, cover with a bit of hope
Bake for half an hour, with a small prayer and quiet patience

I'm far from being the perfect cook, but my dishes are quite edible :D My Coco loves them! I guess, our world isn't a perfect one. But in the eyes of one person or two, it is. Let's not stop thinking that one day, we'll understand its perfection through non-rose coloured glasses.

Tonight i learned that everything happens because they are meant to. Even if we primarily think a step was a mistake. Wait a little longer, a few more minutes or so. I realized I should always remember that we are all worth the wait. I am worth the wait. SIGH.

Comfort food for the needing-comfort heart. Never fails. Enjoy the dish everyone. It is best if served with a lot of happy thoughts, a lot of hope and oh, don't forget lots of ice.

Luckiest Girl in the Whole Wide World!

I spent the night playing Barbie and House with Coco. She even brushed my hair, pretended to put make up on me and even agreed to take silly pictures with me. :D As she sleeps soundly and I start pounding words away, I feel I'm the luckiest person on this side of the planet.

She shared her Dora stickers with Christy this morning, greeted Christy with the brightest good morning Ting i've ever heard and led her to her stash of stickers, toys and more. And as I watched them play, goofed around and laughed hard, I could only thank God for giving me such a wonderful kid.



She knows how to say i love you mommie now, without me having to say i love you coco first. :) i mean, she has always been a sweet kid. always hugging and touching my face ever since she learned how to. But nothing beats the I love you mommie with a great big hug and a kiss from her.



She truly is the sunshine of our lives here. She's the laughter you'll hear at first sunrise. And the heavy snoring at night lol.

Tripping over her toys and cleaning up walls of crayon paintings, and spending numerous sleepless nights watching over her is all worth that one smile from my little gurl.

Aren't I really lucky? :D

Coco musings

I spent the day cleaning my files. Deleted old, useless documents and photographs and emptied my trash bin. My PC has been lagging like a tired old lady. SIGH. And I as I browsed through folder upon folder, I came across Coco's baby pictures and I felt mommy moment on the rise. Sniff. I KNOW.

Almost three years ago, I gave birth to a fragile little girl who weighed only 4.7lbs. Straight out from ICU, both of us fought for what and how we are today. She was sooo small then, you can't really feel her weight when you carry her. I didn't cry when I first saw her, the anesthesia got the best of me. After counting her toes and fingers, off I went to dreamland and into the recovery room.

My little Coco bear at few days old could drink only an ounce of milk, she barely cried and waited patiently for mom and nurses to attend to her.



Spent the next few weeks arranging our trip home, from M to where we are now. She never cried, never pooped to make the cabin air smell bad, never threw fits.

She instantly became my sister Corie's favorite. She loves Coco like I do, takes care of her like I do, and will defend her like everyone else in our clan would.



We spent a million days at the farm, just lounging and having fun. She learned to walk there and say her first straight sentence. She learned to laugh at the outrageous chicken dance and made red her favorite color.







Spent her first two Christmases with a lot of wishes and presents, and a lot of love. This morning, as I cooked breakfast for her, she exclaimed I'm her most favorite person in the whole world. And goes on to enumerate a long list of people and dogs. And I feel my heart beam. And I grin like crazy.

She looks up to me with that wide eyed amazement, like she's watching some spectacular firework show.



Every laughter. Every giggle- I'd always save a space in my heart.



And I know, Coco will always be my number one fan. As I will always be hers.
Always hand in hand, mommie and Coco, i definitely started my year right with her. :)