Holiday Bum.

It's good to be back working late nights again. I kinda fried my brain sleeping day in and day out. Spent the day running around with Coco, picking up scattered toys, fixing foodies, running errands, baking cupcakes,nursing coco's fever and sleepinnnggg. And oh, don't forget holiday binge eating.

I've been a full time mom since the holidays started. Woke up early to fix breakfast and slept early after bedtime stories. Was on FB most of the day,Watched Barney, Dora and Barbie the whole day,pretended to be Santa and a mermaid with Coco and Christy in a span of an hour, barked: "stop it, get down, enough, no more, go to sleep" over and over for like the whole day, i totally feel exhausted.

Yet I am still awake, at this happy hour, and I am eternally grateful that my brain is a hundred percent un-sleepy. I need to work. My mind needs to write. And catch up on my articles. And then, I feel un-tired. More like, leaning on to "productive" :) The whole of December was a slow month for me, partly cuz of the festive atmosphere and partly cuz the bank job took a lot of my time. And now, I resolve to log in more hours into writing.

This is when I feel guilty for sleeping too much. Eating too much. and FB-ing too much. Sedentary for x number of days, and I swear I will totally fry. Tonight, I promise to work longer hours and write more articles. I promise to not eat too much or sleep too much. I resolve to do more in an hour... and the list goes on. I know. I needed that sleep. I could feel my body giving in to dreamland days after the last banking day of the week. But still. I KNOW.

Coco is sleeping beside me as I typed away the first few words of my first batch of articles. And I feel like a better mom if I play with her all day and work all night. Feels like I'm doing the right stuff. Seriously.

I mean, if the world has made me a single mom, I guess it's because I'll know no other way to live my life. When God decided to give me this challenge and responsibility, He whispered U Could DO IT. It amazes me, that this particular lifestyle was the top of my worry list on the onset of pregnancy. I was worried I could not work and be both mom and dad to Coco, and play at the same time. But right now, I feel like I am cut out for this. AND I can hear my little one snoring and sleepily telling me: Ure the best Ma. And so, I shall be.

If i had become a normal, plain housewife, with the picket fence, cupcakes and PTA meetings, would you think I'd play the role to the hilt? lol. i shudder to think.

Christmas Cleaning.

I spent most of last night cleaning out my closet. And i found lots of wardrobe that needs to be disposed of. Given away. Thrown out. And found lots that I've been looking for since like forever. And I found another one full of clothes I haven't even used.

Have you ever found yourself binge shopping for clothes and stuff only to find out you look stupid in them? I got lots of those. Shopping has always been my therapeutic friend. It has always been my solace during depression. Like a pain reliever, shopping has given me similar several doses of morphines and valiums and made all those pain, sadness, depressing thoughts go away. The fact that I've got closets full of useless stuff proves that I've gathered a number of those moments. LOL. Would it mean that since I forgot to do any good shopping this year, I am a whole lot happier?

I would hope so.

I forgot to get myself anything this Christmas. I realized it when i found I didn't have anything new for the Christmas Eve mass. And suddenly figured out that I only have about a few pairs of new shoes this year. As a shoe addict, that's like big ray of light to overcoming the addiction. But the question is, do I really wanna get over it?

I'm much happier this year, i must admit. I don't have that negative cloud hanging over me, following me wherever I go. My good friend Van told me that I have come out much stronger than I have hoped for. This year, I've realized that moving on with life is a choice we all have to make. And the path that we choose on how to do it is dependent upon our personal reasons and goals. I chose mine to follow DABDA. Not consciously choosing, but fortunately going through it step by step. Denial. Anger. Bitterness. Depression. and Finally Acceptance.

It took me almost three years to do it. And finally, as the year 2009 closes, I know I have accepted things. And I have truly moved on. And in the process, became a better person. I owe it mostly to Coco and my personal relationship with God, my saviour. I owe it to my sister and family. I owe it to my support group, of my crazy girls and close friends. And I owe it to writing.

Without these I would have still been a wreck. A lost sheep who'd never be able to find her way back. Without my Coco, I would have still been direction-less and empty.

This year, I didn't make any wishlist. Simply because for the first time in my whole life, I feel like I have everything I need. The wants I made up for the christmas parties were all mundane but necessary: stockings for work, hand sanitizers, hand lotions, a pack of chocolates, coin purse to hold my endless coins, and the only one left: new earphones for my ipod. Ten days before the year will end, I tried making a new wishlist, just for the heck of it. But I ended up making my blessings list.

Ten days before Christmas, i got what I wished for. I got the call i've been waiting for, and the break i've always wanted. And I found Coco having a grand time at her first school Christmas party and realized she has learned the values of sharing, honesty, patience and thoughtfulness. She has understood team work and leadership and most importantly, winning and having fun. I got my writing jobs. And the fast realization that it's what I really do best. And the fact that I'm doing what I love to do and earning from it, makes it a whoooollleee lot greater.
Corie flying to Canada and fulfilling goal no. 1 is a good blessing. :) The rest of the gang flying out makes the whole new perspective taking place faster. And lastly, for the friends I have earned this year, the old ones that I have always treasured and the ones that I haven't met yet: my life is simply better with your presence.

Indeed, 2009 was great. But 2010 will be life-changing better :)

Hula. Destiny. Power of Prayer.

Just around the bend, you'll find Christmas morning and mistletoes hovering above. Now, it certainly smells like Christmas Blend brewing at every room. I still haven't really fully felt the holidays coming, until today when I couldn't get my presents gift wrapped. You would not believe the number of people rushing to get gifts, lining up for gift wraps and last minute shopping! And i thought it's a difficult year for the Pinoys. YET sll stalls are packed, most boutiques aren't even on Sale. And people clamoring to get to the cashier sure is a refreshing sight for our weakening economy.

I guess, no matter how streched our pinoy budgets can be, there will always be room for small trinkets and carefully wrapped presents under our trees. It's never really the shopping rush that keeps people coming back for more. But I'd place my bet that it's that one smile you're anticipating come 25 morning.

I know for sure that it's what I'm looking forward to. :)

My 2009 was such a bumpy ride. It was still kinda rough at the start. But I had sooo many unexpected pleasant surprises at some turns and I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. And we all get to think, how carefully planned out our year was by the only ONE who knows our lives past, present and future. And then, I think about the HULA. and I place X marks on the few revelations that have somehow manifested. And I place ?s on those that I still feel skeptical about. Do you believe in fate? Do you even believe that things happen because they're meant to? I do now. I understand now. And I know that the next big shift will happen partly cuz it's meant to. But because really, the universe has heard my little heart wanting this so much that it has conspired to make it happen.

I am a part of one big play. And we are all part of one big, elaborate plan of our Maker. And we all have sonnets to recite, have lines to memorize and have moments worth raising curtains for and we all deserve standing ovations from our crowd. And as tragedy lures us into addiction, we find the next upward turn of the world. And then we all get to understand the past. the present. And eventually, we learn to embrace the future. Like little pearls scattered all around the room, one string making it all happen, making them all onto one long Moulin Rouge neck piece.

Few more shut eyes and we'd all be crossing over to 2010. Don't you just feel that it's gonna be a better year ahead??

Cross your fingers, squint your eyes. Don't forget the safety belts. It's gonna be another one award winning master piece.

Coming Home

I came back from the Cebu trip really exhausted. But then saw Coco's face as I was coming out of the car, I have never seen anyone light up that way for me. Never seen anyone anticipate my arrival so much! I wanted to cry. Cry cuz i'm overwhelmingly happy. Cry cuz I realize I really missed my Coco. I wanna Cry cuz I wanted to run from the garage to Coco's arms! Talk about drama. But it's true. I really seriously felt that way. And i've never felt so proud to be where I am right now.

When she saw the laptop, she couldn't stopped grinning. And she kept jumping up and down and shouting YEY! YEY! and before I can say let's wrap it up to put under the tree, she started asking if she could use it already. And so, i did let her. And chose the dora outfit as her christmas day present instead.

And you know what's better too? She exclaimed that she'd share her new toys with Christy and Ate Kelly. AND I beam more. My little girl is far from being a self-centered kiddo. And at two, who would believe she thinks about her playmates everytime.

One day, when you'll have a little girl like Coco, you'll understand the feeling. :) And you'll really understand why everything has happened. And how we all get to have the greatest rewards at the end of a really tiring day or week.

Thanks Cocobelle :) I'm really glad you love the presents. I hope you know Mommy loves you more than anyone ever could.

Because I Will it to be, it IS.

I don't like the feeling. I was half surprised of how I reacted and it took a bit of time to sink in. Or am I just being paranoid again? Like an emptiness pushed back into the recesses, it creeps up slowly. Only it transformed into more like of paranoia. no, anxiety. Anxoius about a lot of things that are possible. Anxious of what are the little could bes in the next years that is gonna be downright scary.

And I know, it's like being scared of being not in control again. Like bursting the bubble I have created around me. Like a few more steps, and it would be outside my comfort zone. Like finding a little hole in the fortress I have built. Like rocking our little boat, even though the water is calm as an old man sitting on the beachfront.

I know, a lot of you would think that stepping out of the box and onto what's beyond that high fence, is the only way to have a normal life. Normal in the sense that, it is going to lived to the fullest.

But how can I?

When you have gone through most of what I have, I think you might also consider building things again with a big shield around the things you value most. I know. But this is how I am. And I don't like the feeling- that infinite possibility that it might be. I like building my world like I want it to be. Please, i just don't want any kind of trouble. Nor I don't want any more of those hurts. It's not good. It's not nice. It's downright depressing.

I know, I'm just missing Coco. 1 more night, I'll be on my way back to my little one. Found the dora stuffs and the mike that she wanted. But her Lola Mommie keeps reminding me of finding her nice pajamas that will fit her. And i got her the laptop she always wanted.. :D So excited to see her grinning face on Christmas morning...

Next time I have these bouts of stupid anxiety again, I should remind myself of my
little darling and our little world.

IT IS BOUND TO BE PERFECT. SIMPLY BECAUSE I WANT IT TO BE.

Wake Me Up in 5 Hours.

This morning, I hopped into my cab, carrying my dance outfit, notebook and a lot of research material, with hair barely combed, flying another kiss to my little one and managing to say a small prayer of thanks to our God and I asked myself if all my mornings will be always be like this.

And I answered by ending my day just like the other nights.

I'm super tired. My eyes already sting and my joints ache like crazy. But i still couldn't sleep. Cuz I have like, a dozen articles, the first three chapters of a thesis, and tons of reports needed for the business planning due by Friday and weekend. I am really, absolutely tired. And almost in a panic. I don't really know how I could all finish them, all I know is just that I really have to. And I really badly want to.

Have you ever wished a day would consist more than 24 hours? and a week more than 7? Have you ever wondered if our bodies would constantly run on adrenaline and would only require rest for a maximum of two hours? Have you ever wondered what things you could do or places you could see then? Have you ever wondered if playing with your little girl a few hours a week, read her stories a few minutes each night, sing her lullabies a few moments every single day would ever be enough?

Have you ever thought about just sitting down with a cup of coffee, watching the sun rise and thinking about how lovely the morning is? I know I badly need to sleep. My bed feels empty for a really long time already. But I'm too worried I might over sleep and miss the deadline I set for myself. And I think i'm constantly hopping on from one thing to another I almost forget that I also need to stop for a moment and watch the lil green tea I planted has grown into a shrub. I need to seriously take a rest.

Coco has no more fever, and has already fallen asleep when I got home. BUT She woke up to greet me hello and I asked her how her day went. And she regaled me with stories and a yawn. My lil gurl is slowly growing before my very eyes. And with all the worrying that I do, and all the work that I try to finish, I ask myself, what if one day I'll be already bringing her to pre-school? Now I don't want the days to fly super fast anymore.

She said: Let's go to sleep na mom, and went on to say goodnight to her anak and dora. Before closing her eyes, and kissing me goodnight, she tells me in a matter of fact way, kantahi ko ma. And i did. Rock a bye Baby, lalala... I hope this will rock me to sleep as well.

Good night world. Wake me up in 5 hours please.

Roller coaster ride.

WEIRD COUPLE.

For the first time since I heard the show started on prime time, I stumbled upon PBB's weird episode last night. It was about courtship: Weird guy falls for weird girl. Weird guy asks big brother for a chance to speak with weird girl. And they equally fall for each other before the glaring audience. It was funny, that's why it's refreshing and different. It wasn't the usual super pa-cute. But it was still cute. In an un-corny, well not too corny, kinda way.

BABY.

Yesterday afternoon, my pregnant officemate, M, suddenly broke the Monday silence and routine by exclaiming: My water bag broke. And the office almost came to a panic. Calmly, she stood up and dialed her husband's number and her yayas at home to let them know of the news and she told us that she's gonna be having her baby girl like right now.It was just a matter of seconds when we helped her collect her things, said encouraging words, kissed her good luck and whispered congratulations then she was off to the hospital- which is just 3 minutes away. It was my first time to witness a water bag breaking. Cuz mine didn't break. LOL. Or if it had, i'm sure it did, I was too sedated I couldn't have possibly noticed it. My other officemate, T, cried. She cried cuz she knows it's hard to be in labor. And she cried cuz that feeling of pure happiness is there, right then. And maybe she cried cuz she also knows how it feels like to give birth. M was exceptionally calm, yes she was a bit anxious and was a bit flushed when things literally broke the silence, but she was outstandingly calm! D exclaims that she would have been in a frenzy, no in a panic attack if it were her.

But you know that feeling? A baby on Christmas is just absolutely perfect. It was happiness in every Christmas-y kinda way!

COCO.

After a long practice of the MJ dance, I came home to Coco feeling a bit feverish. Spent the long night checking on her temperature, just to make sure it wouldn't reach panic levels. And thank God, it didn't. I still gave her ice baths when it reached 39. But it was just once, and she slept soundly after that. She woke me up this morning really early and told me her fever is gone. I turned to check and I know it's still a bit there. But she didn't look weak or sick. And it made me thank the heavens more. My little girl has g6PD: Glucose 6-Phosphate Deficiency. And she has special needs. Meaning, she has a lot of things to avoid, food and medicine in particular. IT's not an allergy which she could get over as she grows old. It's not a disease as well that would require therapy or medications. It is a deficiency, with a life time avoidance of food like soy, peanuts, mint, legumes, and beans. And she needs to avoid, menthol, camphor and moth balls. This condition would make any mother become paranoid. It would make any mother take an obsessive compulsive mode when it comes to things her child would come in contact with. Good thing with Coco, she knows how to say it's bawal. And she says it with conviction that you would be ashamed to insist on giving it to her.

CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

I got a really nice pair of steve maddens and a bag of coffeebeans in the mail yesterday. And you would not believe how happy, how ecstatic I had been receiving that package. It was super like Christmas morning already! Thank you. You know who you are. Thanks for the dora too- Coco loved it. And for always being there for me. Year in and Year out. It's just awesome. :D


***
Last night, I told myself as I started falling asleep, that no matter how crammed my days and nights are, there is always room for blessings. and unexpected giddiness too. And a lot of that happy people that I am blessed to have around me. Thank God for a rough yet super good 2008. I'm sure my 2009 is gonna be a better one. I just feel it.

What does the moon hold and keep?

Coco and I went stargazing last night. Actually, it was more of moon gazing since it was the biggest full moon we've both ever seen. On top of the hood, we sat there and just trying to make little conversations about why the moon is far, what gifts we want for Christmas, what we wish for and what kind of food do reindeers eat when they fly from the moon and back... I know I kinda told her Santa lives in the moon. And we tried counting the little stars we could see in between tree leaves and eating jelly ace all the while.

I've never gone stargazing in my whole life. I mean, if i ever had, i should have probably remembered such a thing right? It was like, clear sky, christmas air, full moon, christmas lights all around... something like, the most magical moment ever. No exaggeration. No cheeziness either. My lil daughter asked me a gazillion questions about the stars, and sang a hundred more twinkle twinkles until we both decided it's time to head back to our room.

And i felt like, for a moment, the world actually stood still to listen to what my little kid has to say. And what my little heart whispered...

I know, there are a lot of questions, you and me would ask on nights like those. Me and my kiddo don't have that perfect kinda life. I sure as hell don't have that, but you know, at that exact moment, I felt like we could fill our lives with little perfect moments. To make our lives, a one big compilation of perfection.

But for a change, I didn't come back from my quick stargazing stint, full of realizations. Sometimes, trying to analyze things that you already understand is just pointless. And that night, I felt okay not thinking about things, not scrutinizing situations or playing conversations in my head over and over. Like reading between the lines or painting words in shades I don't really see.

As i've read in my friend Bea's status: "When I don't say a word, it means there's a monologue going on in my head." And it's true. But this time, there's just no monologue going on. Not even as I am writing things down here.

Just as it is. And i'm fine with it. I think. LOL.

It is true, the moon holds our questions and locks our wishes away. But she doesn't reveal to us what we want to know. The moon holds back the answers that we seek. So we can find them ourselves in this place we call a lot of things.

It's like Smoking. I've quit it already.

I'm supposed to be writing about the seamaster chrono already. But I'm still writing on my blog cuz I feel like I need to write more. I feel like I need to write what I have to figure out. And it's killing me cuz I still couldn't figure a lot of things out.

Have you ever had those nights when you get to ask a lot of questions, map out resolutions, and plot some reasons and you still turn out empty handed? This is one of those nights. No. Not really. I'm not thinking at all. Just feeling. And I'm starting to feel, well, weird? And this, hands down, falls into the category of the shittiest days ever.

The agony is this one. Figuring things you cannot really figure. Sorting emotions you cannot really comprehend. Feeling a rainbow of emotions you can't really justify or rationalize. But then again, whoever said emotions can be quantified and labeled and analyzed? This. and This. don't go together. Like the one in Original Sin. In Message in a bottle. In Jerry Maguire. In Meet Joe Black. It sucks.

But we're right, love is like smoking. It's dangerous, cancerous and addictive. But we just can't really quit it. Haha I just had to say that here. It's a gooooood realization. :D

This is the outcome of a long weekend of classic cheezy sappy movie marathon. GRRR.
Seamaster time. Seriously.

Just in time for breakfast.

i'm flying to Cebu next weekend, for the annual business planning. And for the longest weeks, I couldn't even get myself to be a bit excited about it. I'm a little worried cuz I wouldn't be able to bring my lil one with me, though I'd be leaving her with good company here. I'm worried that she wouldn't be okay cuz I wouldn't be there to constantly check on her for two days. I'm worried that she might eat something that's bawal. I'm worried that she couldn't sleep at night cuz I couldn't sing her rock a bye baby. I'm worried that she'd be playing too much she'd get asthma attacks. I'm worried she might have tantrums. I'm worried that she'll miss me. Or that she wouldn't understand why I wouldn't come home after a day's work. I'm worried about me. cuz i know i'd be missing her sorely!

And I wonder if I'd be able to sleep at night when she's not beside me. Or when I couldn't sing her rock a bye until she falls asleep. And I wonder if she'll be able to eat her dinner or breakfast if i'm not there to make sandwhiches or even try cooking her favorite meals. And I wonder if she'd ever take a bath or go to the restroom by herself or would she allow the yayas to take her poops with duckie. I'm worried sick about missing her that I think I'd cry my eyes out the moment the plane leaves and land in Cebu. I know it. I just do. Cuz thinking about these now, I already miss her.

Coco is the love of my life. the center of my universe. the joy i keep in my heart. I don't know if she knows it. But she is seriously, really my life. And as cheezy as it may sound, i would be seriously lost without her.

I started telling her about the trip months and months ago so she'd be able to understand that I'd be leaving for a few days for work. And she knows where I'm going, cuz she's been there. And everytime i remind her that I'd be going to ride the plane, she always makes these sad puppy eyes and pout and says: byaan ko nimu? Breaks my heart over and over. And I say my lines over and over: No. Mommy needs to work in Cebu for two days only. And she smiles when she hears the word pasalubong. And goes on to say her wish list. I promise i'll search the whole of Ayala for that neat doctor stuff and dora dvd. She already got the mike :)

Then my good friend Van pops into my screen and tells me she'd be in Cebu the same week. And for old times' coffee and food and talk and laughter and tears, I suddenly become excited to fly to Cebu. (And makes me rethink of bringing Coco along). And i tell myself, the two day stint will fly fast. After a few rounds of kwentos and tears (for sure), I'll be flying in really early sunday morning to come home to Coco, just in time for breakfast.