I met an old stranger last night. I was surprised because it's been a really loooong time. But more surprised that the meeting lasted a fleeting second, and went really okay. No emptiness sitting on my heart. No heavy emotions needed to be sorted out.
It was almost pleasant. Uhm but not really.
When I woke up and saw Coco by my side, I half entertained the idea that someday he's gonna come looking for her. Sometimes though, if i know him right, he isn't gonna. But who knows how the days will turn out. And preparing for that inevitable moment should actually start now.
If i keep on dodging bullets from him, maybe the firing squad will stop.
Few years down the road, I hope things will finally settle down. I think I owe myself some peace of mind. And we both owe Coco that.
That's something he should also consider. That i think I already have.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Hopscotch or something like it.
My cousin Titin is here for the sem-break and she's staying at our room for hours no end, just playin with my Coco and exchanging stories with me. Kinda missing people too, the rest of the Tapulan Kids Inc aren't anywhere near. And so, the conversation turns to where our feet will lead us, few months or years down the road.
She's dead set in flying to Canada. Her plans all laid out like a hopscotch game: the goal is to get to HOME with one leg hop or two. And she tells me, and she asks me, the perennial question. And we know... we both know the answer.
Years ago when we were still covered with grime and a handful, we always play pretend that we live in this neighborhood outside PI. And then pretend we all come back to this same old house. same old town. With nuthin but good memories to look back upon.
Two. Three years ago, when all my laid out plans changed course drastically, I felt that lil girl holding that dream with her fellow Tapulan Kids Inc members letting go. Maybe it's fear. Or frustration. Or just dead set resignation. Maybe it's all of them combined. But I knew I was just lost in the maze and I couldn't figure out how to rearrange the house of cards again, to build it like the way we all wanted it to be. And as I moved from one day to another, with my little bear holding my hand firmly, I thought I felt the house of cards should be built here.
But after a very long thought. And after many sleepless nights. And after this really short conversation with Titin. And a quick realization, I knew the goal is still there. And I know, that long ago, under the santol tree, five kids decided to build a house a thousand hills far from this sleepy town.
One by one the kids left and flew oceans away. A few remain and a little bear and a Mayenne bear is added to the five bandits. But still, the dream lives on. And the decision still stands.
Along with my little bear, we start making sketches on the ground, building the hopscotch boxes and playing it one foot at a time.
She's dead set in flying to Canada. Her plans all laid out like a hopscotch game: the goal is to get to HOME with one leg hop or two. And she tells me, and she asks me, the perennial question. And we know... we both know the answer.
Years ago when we were still covered with grime and a handful, we always play pretend that we live in this neighborhood outside PI. And then pretend we all come back to this same old house. same old town. With nuthin but good memories to look back upon.
Two. Three years ago, when all my laid out plans changed course drastically, I felt that lil girl holding that dream with her fellow Tapulan Kids Inc members letting go. Maybe it's fear. Or frustration. Or just dead set resignation. Maybe it's all of them combined. But I knew I was just lost in the maze and I couldn't figure out how to rearrange the house of cards again, to build it like the way we all wanted it to be. And as I moved from one day to another, with my little bear holding my hand firmly, I thought I felt the house of cards should be built here.
But after a very long thought. And after many sleepless nights. And after this really short conversation with Titin. And a quick realization, I knew the goal is still there. And I know, that long ago, under the santol tree, five kids decided to build a house a thousand hills far from this sleepy town.
One by one the kids left and flew oceans away. A few remain and a little bear and a Mayenne bear is added to the five bandits. But still, the dream lives on. And the decision still stands.
Along with my little bear, we start making sketches on the ground, building the hopscotch boxes and playing it one foot at a time.
Some room for some more..
Thank God weekend is coming up. I never felt this tired since.. I would wish I could lie in bed and just sleep the whole weekend away. But who am I kidding, it's just most certainly a wild notion that is as fleeting as fashion must haves today..
I read somewhere that the activity begets relevance. Like, if you fill your hours with toil, you get to feel some sort of importance in your life or for someone else's. And i get to think, is it just me being addicted to work? Or I am seriously missing out on something else here?
Maybe it's just random thoughts we get at this ungodly hour. But sometimes, it does cross my mind... Since when did insomnia became my best friend?? It is at this particular hour when you get to think about a million things, scrutinize a million feelings and reorganize a million goals too. Dreams and Wishes alike are rarely pulled out from hidden compartments now though. It's like, they belong to places where only sand and stars exist. But then again, I remind myself of my conversation with Coco at a small island days ago. Lest I forget, I got by my side, the main and the only reason why my dreams have pieced back together in the first place.
So who am i to complain? Why should sore necks and aching backs be even on my worry list. Right? BUT Sometimes, we need some TLC too. :) We're not superheroes where "tired" or "sad" or ... doesn't totally exist. It's just that most of the time, there is NO TIME, to think or feel such things and to entertain such thoughts. And too scared to feel those emotions again. Sometimes, there's just no more room for mistakes anymore. But few weeks back, i feel like there is room for something more. And it's bound to be one huge roller coaster ride, I bet.
NO Time. Little Time. Most of the Time. SIGH. :)
I read somewhere that the activity begets relevance. Like, if you fill your hours with toil, you get to feel some sort of importance in your life or for someone else's. And i get to think, is it just me being addicted to work? Or I am seriously missing out on something else here?
Maybe it's just random thoughts we get at this ungodly hour. But sometimes, it does cross my mind... Since when did insomnia became my best friend?? It is at this particular hour when you get to think about a million things, scrutinize a million feelings and reorganize a million goals too. Dreams and Wishes alike are rarely pulled out from hidden compartments now though. It's like, they belong to places where only sand and stars exist. But then again, I remind myself of my conversation with Coco at a small island days ago. Lest I forget, I got by my side, the main and the only reason why my dreams have pieced back together in the first place.
So who am i to complain? Why should sore necks and aching backs be even on my worry list. Right? BUT Sometimes, we need some TLC too. :) We're not superheroes where "tired" or "sad" or ... doesn't totally exist. It's just that most of the time, there is NO TIME, to think or feel such things and to entertain such thoughts. And too scared to feel those emotions again. Sometimes, there's just no more room for mistakes anymore. But few weeks back, i feel like there is room for something more. And it's bound to be one huge roller coaster ride, I bet.
NO Time. Little Time. Most of the Time. SIGH. :)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
WORKAHOLIC
Why do i get the feeling that Coco now has a notion of what that word means... She woke up early this morning and saw me on my egg of a chair doing articles and cramming research. And she asked if i didn't sleep at all.. Imagine that! And i was floored. I tucked her good night and told her i'll sleep in a bit once I finish my research and she just nodded yes and kissed me goodnight. And imagine her surprise when she saw me the next day, still in my chair, typing like crazy..
But i did sleep. haha. If sleep comes like the wind, I must be superwoman already.
Sometimes though, I wish for longer hours. So i can have more time to sleep, more time to read her books, more time to play and watch Barney. But even if I do watch Barney with her, or play pretend, half of my brain is constructing phrases and stringing words together to make up an article.
I'm not saying I don't like the crammed hours though. Cuz, i think I actually live for it. It's just that sometimes, I get to feel and wonder how is it if me and Coco could have 24 hours of daily bonding and with me just writing and writing in between?
Must be heaven..
Years down the road, I should be able to be a full time mother. Working and Playing should mean the same thing, don't it? For now though, I gotta juggle a day job, a writing job, family business, personal business, MOTHERHOOD and sleep and play-- all in twenty plus freaking hours.
I should be giving up one, I know. But for now, i'll just toast to day jobs that pay the rent and add up coins to mine and my Coco's endless future adventures.
Nice. Don't you think so too?
But i did sleep. haha. If sleep comes like the wind, I must be superwoman already.
Sometimes though, I wish for longer hours. So i can have more time to sleep, more time to read her books, more time to play and watch Barney. But even if I do watch Barney with her, or play pretend, half of my brain is constructing phrases and stringing words together to make up an article.
I'm not saying I don't like the crammed hours though. Cuz, i think I actually live for it. It's just that sometimes, I get to feel and wonder how is it if me and Coco could have 24 hours of daily bonding and with me just writing and writing in between?
Must be heaven..
Years down the road, I should be able to be a full time mother. Working and Playing should mean the same thing, don't it? For now though, I gotta juggle a day job, a writing job, family business, personal business, MOTHERHOOD and sleep and play-- all in twenty plus freaking hours.
I should be giving up one, I know. But for now, i'll just toast to day jobs that pay the rent and add up coins to mine and my Coco's endless future adventures.
Nice. Don't you think so too?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Panic Attacks on Children
I was doing some articles for my writing job and I stumbled on a topic that revolves around Children and their stress level. Sharing some helpful ideas about what factors contribute to our kids anxiety and stress, causing their panic attacks:
Title: What Causes Panic Attacks in Children
Angelica R. Casino
October 19, 2009
Children are the least we thought to be affected by anxiety disorders, and the least to experience panic attacks. However, this notion should be discarded as anxiety disorders affect everyone, including children as young as five years old. And the possibility of panic attacks increase when our young ones start to hit adolescence.
Anxiety is a sense of despair, apprehension and fear. These anxiety attacks, or most commonly known as panic attacks, affect school-age children and teenagers, yet are often simply dismissed as attention seeking tactics. The lack of verbal inability to fully communicate their emotions is one of the primary reasons why panic attacks happen in our children. The multiple emotions on varying experiences overwhelm them and a sense of foreboding manifests.
Peer, family, academic and social pressures are contributing factors that affect children and teenagers. Kids these days are no longer living in world of Peter Pans and candies, they are driven and motivated to be better, wiser, and stronger. What was a healthy competition before, the idea of “sibling rivalry” was introduced firstly between direct siblings and then between cousins and close peers. The desire to be better than the other is an innate aspiration of man. Thus, competitions among our fellows are always welcome.
The pressure brought about by competition coupled with problems in family and peer relationship can cause a certain increase in stress level our children can handle. Due to minimal outlets of expression, our kids tend to bottle up their thoughts and emotions. And the build up engulfs our youngsters and eventually cause panic attacks.
Sometimes, our problems within the family also affect our kids. Financial worries, relationship problems, and even work-related conflicts may affect our children in ways we seem to dismiss as impossible. These kids are sponge-like in nature, they take in what they see, hear and feel within our homes. And they do get affected as much as they do understand the situation. More often, they perceive things in a different way, and if they see the parents or older people in the household worrying, they tend to worry also. In cases where a parent or an immediate family member faces or experiences job loss, a scrimping in the budget, depression and higher temper levels among family members contribute mainly to stress level increase.
Other causes of panic attacks in our children are results of a traumatic experience. Issues ranging from divorce, separation, sudden movements from one town to another to physical and emotional abuse directly contribute to panic attacks in our children.
What adults have to remember is that our youngsters are fully capable of understanding and are perceptive of their surroundings. They are also capable of feeling what we adults also feel. The mistake we often take is that we underestimate our kids to be detached from our reality when we happen to cultivate in them, more often than not unknowingly, the sense of competition, drive, and awareness to our surroundings and an introduction to our known reality.
The more we learn on helping them understand our world and reality would help them in coping with daily pressures. We also need to learn to help our kids communicate their thoughts and emotions frequently and precisely.
Panic attacks in our children can be avoided if we start taking care of our issues at hand immediately and take time to discuss thoughts with our children. Though these communication lines are open, let us not however forget, that our children cannot fully understand the situation and problems. Thus, we need to remember that our kids are not adults that are supposed to carry our pressures with us. Nor are they ignorant that we shield them from the reality.
** Will try to post more of health-related articles when allowable :)
Title: What Causes Panic Attacks in Children
Angelica R. Casino
October 19, 2009
Children are the least we thought to be affected by anxiety disorders, and the least to experience panic attacks. However, this notion should be discarded as anxiety disorders affect everyone, including children as young as five years old. And the possibility of panic attacks increase when our young ones start to hit adolescence.
Anxiety is a sense of despair, apprehension and fear. These anxiety attacks, or most commonly known as panic attacks, affect school-age children and teenagers, yet are often simply dismissed as attention seeking tactics. The lack of verbal inability to fully communicate their emotions is one of the primary reasons why panic attacks happen in our children. The multiple emotions on varying experiences overwhelm them and a sense of foreboding manifests.
Peer, family, academic and social pressures are contributing factors that affect children and teenagers. Kids these days are no longer living in world of Peter Pans and candies, they are driven and motivated to be better, wiser, and stronger. What was a healthy competition before, the idea of “sibling rivalry” was introduced firstly between direct siblings and then between cousins and close peers. The desire to be better than the other is an innate aspiration of man. Thus, competitions among our fellows are always welcome.
The pressure brought about by competition coupled with problems in family and peer relationship can cause a certain increase in stress level our children can handle. Due to minimal outlets of expression, our kids tend to bottle up their thoughts and emotions. And the build up engulfs our youngsters and eventually cause panic attacks.
Sometimes, our problems within the family also affect our kids. Financial worries, relationship problems, and even work-related conflicts may affect our children in ways we seem to dismiss as impossible. These kids are sponge-like in nature, they take in what they see, hear and feel within our homes. And they do get affected as much as they do understand the situation. More often, they perceive things in a different way, and if they see the parents or older people in the household worrying, they tend to worry also. In cases where a parent or an immediate family member faces or experiences job loss, a scrimping in the budget, depression and higher temper levels among family members contribute mainly to stress level increase.
Other causes of panic attacks in our children are results of a traumatic experience. Issues ranging from divorce, separation, sudden movements from one town to another to physical and emotional abuse directly contribute to panic attacks in our children.
What adults have to remember is that our youngsters are fully capable of understanding and are perceptive of their surroundings. They are also capable of feeling what we adults also feel. The mistake we often take is that we underestimate our kids to be detached from our reality when we happen to cultivate in them, more often than not unknowingly, the sense of competition, drive, and awareness to our surroundings and an introduction to our known reality.
The more we learn on helping them understand our world and reality would help them in coping with daily pressures. We also need to learn to help our kids communicate their thoughts and emotions frequently and precisely.
Panic attacks in our children can be avoided if we start taking care of our issues at hand immediately and take time to discuss thoughts with our children. Though these communication lines are open, let us not however forget, that our children cannot fully understand the situation and problems. Thus, we need to remember that our kids are not adults that are supposed to carry our pressures with us. Nor are they ignorant that we shield them from the reality.
** Will try to post more of health-related articles when allowable :)
Monday, October 19, 2009
Good Night World..
I hate reading old posts. Reading some makes me remember exactly how I felt then. Sometimes, that old painful feeling just never leaves. Just hides somewhere. Like a really old furniture tucked away in the attic, it's worthless but it's there.
And you get to ask, how many spring cleanings one need to do before all the junk is thrown out? Jeezz...
But it isn't so bad, not as bad as I thought. They're just like old pictures.Some are just really ugly, and should be taken out of the album. But then again, those watermarks, picture marks would just stay. Might as well let them be in place. I remember my sister telling me, we got no option to delete memories. But in the end, as long as we have saved ourselves from the quicksands we stumbled into, the trip was well worth it.
And how can we say that we are who we are now if not of those old roads we took on our way here?
I saw an old one about my first OB trip, my first glimpse of Coco. and i remember the moment as if it's just yesterday. And i could still feel the cold AC on the waiting area and smell the strong antiseptic seeping into the walls. haha And i remember how ecstatic I felt when I first saw her yawn, hiccup and wave. Coco was always a brilliant kid. She has always been my new source of strength. Makes reading old posts a bit better :)
And it never fails to amaze me how two years has gone by. How fast she has grown up. Before tucking her bed tonight, we watched her Barney videos again. And she's memorized all the lines in that video, i could only smile. She prompts me what's gonna happen next and I feel like this kid of mine sure knows her stuff.
My lil gurl is fast asleep now. and im still cramming my second article due in about 3 hours. But then again, i always work best under time pressure. LOL!
It isn't easy being a single mom: Juggling work and little time. But the reward of being called Mommie and hearing your daughter say Good Night Mommie, I Love You like I love barney (haha) is simply the best.
No greater feeling in the world than to see your kiddo look at you as if you're simply the best.
And then, you get to realize, that old furniture in attics, are just there for memories sake. Cobwebs or not, it's still okay. But they couldn't be brought down to where cakes are served anymore.
And you get to ask, how many spring cleanings one need to do before all the junk is thrown out? Jeezz...
But it isn't so bad, not as bad as I thought. They're just like old pictures.Some are just really ugly, and should be taken out of the album. But then again, those watermarks, picture marks would just stay. Might as well let them be in place. I remember my sister telling me, we got no option to delete memories. But in the end, as long as we have saved ourselves from the quicksands we stumbled into, the trip was well worth it.
And how can we say that we are who we are now if not of those old roads we took on our way here?
I saw an old one about my first OB trip, my first glimpse of Coco. and i remember the moment as if it's just yesterday. And i could still feel the cold AC on the waiting area and smell the strong antiseptic seeping into the walls. haha And i remember how ecstatic I felt when I first saw her yawn, hiccup and wave. Coco was always a brilliant kid. She has always been my new source of strength. Makes reading old posts a bit better :)
And it never fails to amaze me how two years has gone by. How fast she has grown up. Before tucking her bed tonight, we watched her Barney videos again. And she's memorized all the lines in that video, i could only smile. She prompts me what's gonna happen next and I feel like this kid of mine sure knows her stuff.
My lil gurl is fast asleep now. and im still cramming my second article due in about 3 hours. But then again, i always work best under time pressure. LOL!
It isn't easy being a single mom: Juggling work and little time. But the reward of being called Mommie and hearing your daughter say Good Night Mommie, I Love You like I love barney (haha) is simply the best.
No greater feeling in the world than to see your kiddo look at you as if you're simply the best.
And then, you get to realize, that old furniture in attics, are just there for memories sake. Cobwebs or not, it's still okay. But they couldn't be brought down to where cakes are served anymore.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Stars Out of the Sky
Two and a half years ago, i never thought bouncing back was even remotely possible. No, I thought it would be impossible to feel this good again. But strange as it may sound, I even feel happier now than all of my twenty-something years combined.
Is it possible that the level of contentment changes as we go older?
I went to Camiguin, with Coco in tow, for some business opportunities-hoping for a bit of that much needed rest and bonding with my little one. I brought with me tons of workload, more insomnia, some worries, questions and more. And the idea that there's a bit of that thing called relaxation in between plannings and brainstorms. And guess what, somewhere along the trip, I left those worries and work behind: boxed them in at the dock, temporarily archived and waiting to be forgotten... And found the sleepy island waking me up into a whole new perspective.
Coco came to me yesterday, with a little shell in her hand and an eyes full of amazement, and told me how pretty the stars look in the blue waters. I looked up and started to tell her you can only find stars at night, when it's dark and the sun is sleeping already. But as I gazed across the white sand and onto the clear beach, you could really, literally see stars glistening in the middle of brunch.
Two and a half years ago, i felt like there's no such thing as simple happiness. Nor have I even imagined that life, my life, can be as peaceful as my quick trip with my little one. I realized (yes, i realized something haha) that stars do rest on blue waters. And maybe the sky is the mirror of the little lights, to tell us not to look too far for dreams once making up the whole meaning of wishing.
As if on queue, Coco sings her wishbear song: What's wrong with wishing... hmm..
Is it possible that the level of contentment changes as we go older?
I went to Camiguin, with Coco in tow, for some business opportunities-hoping for a bit of that much needed rest and bonding with my little one. I brought with me tons of workload, more insomnia, some worries, questions and more. And the idea that there's a bit of that thing called relaxation in between plannings and brainstorms. And guess what, somewhere along the trip, I left those worries and work behind: boxed them in at the dock, temporarily archived and waiting to be forgotten... And found the sleepy island waking me up into a whole new perspective.
Coco came to me yesterday, with a little shell in her hand and an eyes full of amazement, and told me how pretty the stars look in the blue waters. I looked up and started to tell her you can only find stars at night, when it's dark and the sun is sleeping already. But as I gazed across the white sand and onto the clear beach, you could really, literally see stars glistening in the middle of brunch.
Two and a half years ago, i felt like there's no such thing as simple happiness. Nor have I even imagined that life, my life, can be as peaceful as my quick trip with my little one. I realized (yes, i realized something haha) that stars do rest on blue waters. And maybe the sky is the mirror of the little lights, to tell us not to look too far for dreams once making up the whole meaning of wishing.
As if on queue, Coco sings her wishbear song: What's wrong with wishing... hmm..
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