Thoughts on Lent

This Lent, lil one and I stayed home. We spent most of the Holy Week attending our local church activities and watching Bible Stories re-runs. We spent more time at the park, running around the green grass that's become a small patch of green.

Though little one could not truly comprehend the meaning and essence of the Passion of Christ, I am thinking that to witness from such a young age would allow her to appreciate the beauty and humility of sacrifice. As I could not truly understand the whole meaning of it too, at my age now, I am hoping that my little girl can get a bit of that meaning of unconditional love, sacrifice and forgiveness.

For the past days, I sat long hours at our church's pew to listen to Christ's Seven Last Words, said the Lent prayers, my Novena and tried to search the relevance of the Passion in my life. I sat there searching for answers to my questions, and trying, trying, trying hard to understand, accept, and eventually forgive.

But, How can we forgive if forgiveness was not asked from us? How can we understand other people's offensive behavior or vision or character and accept the trivial things as they are? And finally understand that things that happen on this world are only little dots that connect to a bigger picture set by a Higher Being?

As my sister C has told me in one of our conversations, "God really plans all things according to His Time" and we just don't realize the logic until the right time has finally come.

The right time for some things have finally come, that I finally understood the logic behind some of the questions that I hold in my heart. But for most of my perennial issues, I still have those questions and bent up anger too.

But you know, as I ask forgiveness from God, for still not coming to terms with my issues, I have realized that I cannot take the world upon my shoulders and stand to be blamed for the issues other people have. I refuse to be dragged down by issues that aren't mine in the first place.

Because, as much as I'd like to be the best person in the world, one must understand that for one to have good children, one must be a good parent; For one to understand things, one should seek to understand.

And as I seek to understand, accept and maybe forgive the shortcomings of certain people, I have finally accepted that whatever that was never provided, will never be provided; whatever was forgotten to impart, will never be imparted; whatever role that was not played, will never be played.

And if being this kind of person to a person like that will forever put a deep rift between two people, then I guess, it is just the way things are.

Seeking forgiveness for someone who never even asks for it, because he never sees his faults, then is really a question that I would need to address, for yet many Lents to come. And though, a few more hours in the pew could not just erase the twenty years of tears I carried in my heart, maybe at the end of this Lenten Season, MAYBE, I can come close to that acceptance that God knows I much need.

Strawberry. But who cares anyway?

What's good about frozen margarita is that it takes me back a few years without me puking all over the place.

Eleven years ago, I met a few souls in the green grounds of the famed state university. And after a few bumps here and there, after tears over worthless fs, larger than life problems, well earned medals and a series of crazy shit, we have actually managed to stay stuck together like glue.

But the kids that were, have already traded beer bongs for a cup of peppermint tea.
And some good margarita in between. We have changed a lot. But have remained the same.

My best friend M was as deep in a mess anyone could ever be the past x number of .... She was not just sad, she was more than it. She was more than broken, she was shattered to pieces. She was hurting and we were all scared she couldn't pull through.

But as R and I met up with her tonight for some good old coffee-beer conversations, we found M back to her old self AGAIN. Honestly. Truly. The M we knew years back. Like waking up from a horrid dream, she finally found the courage to pick up the pieces and start moving on. And frankly, I am relieved.

I know it's not easy to bounce back. But it isn't impossible either. There still may be times that the lingering emptiness will manifest and would feel as if it could swallow you whole. There will still be moments when all you could do is just sit, and want to cry but no more tears will flow.

There will be those times when the scales just move from left to right, and the twix bar just don't run out of stock.

But there will be more moments of just happy laughter. Just because.

You know, I have always had the trouble of moving forward completely. And as I have repeatedly told myself that without little girl, and the important people in my life, I wouldn't have even made it to the first step.

But here I am, now.

Right here, fairly far enough to go past the clanging heavy gates.
Right here, more comfortable in my own skin.
Right here, having accepted the dysfunctional-ity of my life.
Right here, finding my worth and holding the pride I have lost along the way.
Right here, happy. on track. moving forward.

Right here, right now.

I am back again.