What gives?

I woke up in the middle of sleep last night, with a nightmare just hanging above my head. I rose to wash my face, and stared back at the person with the sad eyes - looking right back at me for a stretch of time.

I must have stayed there, staring back with the faucet still running and with my heavy heart in my throat.

Such a long time I had a dream like that. I didn't  know what to make of it.
But it left such sadness, such moments of regret or well, loneliness even, lingering.

Maybe because I was heart-breakingly sad, even in that dream.

Or maybe because, I was exactly who I was in that dream.
I still said the same lines, did the same things as if I were awake or sober.

And it's sad.

Because I know what is here, deep in this stone of a heart.

I know it for a fact. like a part of every fiber of my body.
A memory I just can't shake off.

But you know, when I wake up (or even in the dream), I still don't give myself the liberty to say the things I want to say. Or do the things I want to do.

Because, as much as I don't want to admit it, this is the way I am. Now. or before. or in the future.
I can't change it. and I feel like I will be chained by these emotions until I find the courage to actually do something unlikely.

Which is also unlikely to ever happen.

Yesterday, me and lil gurl watched a movie and grabbed a pizza with a friend of mine.
I won't deny that I have always been exclusive and I have always been particular to keeping the personal space personal.

But recently, I'm actually letting someone tag along.

And although it is kinda scary, I feel quite okay with it. And most importantly, lil gurl is okay with it too.

Weird. But it's nice :) Nice. But scary.

All the possibilities, and making things happen

There is something beautiful in mornings like today.

Like expecting a lot of things.
Anticipating a million moments.
And just sitting here, taking all in the silence - the peacefulness of my life.

This year brings a number of major changes.

* We're building a new kitchen, creating a sun room and having a place to grill and sit and have beer on lazy weekends.

What originally was a "dollhouse" kitchen became a project of love. We started adding more designs, more plans. Creating more room for the Sundays we spend together cooking and baking.

And we started buying worthless stuff for the shelves (decorations :p) and more pretty casseroles, baking pans and table napkins. My sister kept scouring the kitchen section at their mall and looking for silicone kitchen ware - cuz she thinks it's kinda weird to have pure steel kitchen stuff.

My cuzn T is actually inspired and has started drawing plans for her own kitchen renovation.

Most of the floors are tiled now, just waiting for the splash of citrus and the shelves to be mounted. I'm positively excited of the outcome!

* Lil gurl is moving up to kindergarten and she's started doing math drills and singing more lovely songs.
She's started playing the Piano and has been able to play the first song I learned too.
We're all just speculating of sending her to music school so she can learn to play more songs and perhaps, the violin too.

* Lil gurl is losing a tooth, having us checking on it every day. She isn't a bit scared - more excited to finally meet the tooth fairy. and tell her stories from the land of fairytopia (REALLY!!)

* My new help is the best I had in years. Everything is spotless, odorless and absolutely organized! Every morning, when I sit out to read or write, she brings me coffee (in cup and saucer and a teaspoon of brown sugar) and some boiled camote or saging to nibble on. How LOVELY is that?

And last night, I asked THE lawyer for an update on my annulment case. And for the first time in months, it was in a positive note. With a definite timeline. and laughter in his voice. (so, laughter in mine too!)

Everyday, I prayed for this and this year, it's finally going to happen. There is beauty in the waiting, you know, but I think the beauty is magnified in the way we look at the waiting and when we are finally seeing the end.

Finally, this year, I think (I FEEL) that maybe, it is possible to find someone who CAN love me.
love Coco.
Accept my life.
Accept my priorities.
Accept this.

And I feel that maybe, it's possible to actually fall in love with him too.