weeknight crying

When all you could do is cry.

Watch more Hachiko kinda movies, for the much needed bawl. A good cry with a good excuse all rolled in one.

perfect.

Letting Go

I can't believe i'm staying up late on my 5th night with the flu. I know, I should be sleeping already, but can you believe the words keep knocking my brain about, I just have to pound away.

And so I did. Kind Boss will be happy to see articles, while he's sipping iced coffee in Majorica. :)

The past days, I kept to myself. With the flu keeping me in, and keeping me down, all I ever did was sleep. And dream some away. I played a few games with lil one, and she even surprised me pretend-breakfast in bed, with her chef headband and plastic tray, with carrot soup and teacups.. How can your heart not melt? My first ever breakfast in bed :)

And it was one of those moments when i just wished sick days won't ever come. I heart my lil one to pieces! She makes me think that yes, I AM the luckiest on earth!


But the crazy thing about being a mom is that we never really get sick days off, or sleep in days, or really... As I lay there half asleep, most weak, most aching all over, Half of my brain keeps hearing Coco, telling her to get down, sit down, and taking part of her Princess conversations too. LOL. And showing up at work crazy Monday morning, with flu all over my face.

I've watched a million sappy chick flicks over the weekend too. Plus the hundred Little Mermaids and Swan Princesses too. Too much of all that love thing, I am left with hearts in my eyes. My good friend L once told me, to shake me off my crying years ago, to snap out of the fairytale dream. That they aren't true and is just no bound to happen. To get over the picket fence kinda life..

But for whatever cynicism I throw around, however I build these walls, I am just a sucker for happy endings. sigh. do we ever get over being such a gubby?

When my good friend2 Y came home from her Universal Studios trip, I asked her if she snagged me one of those potions for happily ever afters, the Fairy Godmother makes? LOL

My genie, my fairygodmother, my knight in shining armor... they should just roll right off my shoulders.

And i'm guessing that's just what's gonna happen next.

Sick on Weekends

Feeling under the weather, i've stayed in bed for the past 18+ hours. But my head still feels like a ton and my clogged nose doesn't help. I feel tired. But I want to do some writing. I also wanna call my sister, but she's probably asleep at 3AM her time.

If I were in an island, with beautiful sun and crashing waves, I would be better sooner!! Me and lil one are such water babies, maybe we can stay in lazy town, swim, watch the sunrises and sunsets everyday and feeding on home grown vegetables and fruits..

If everyday was weekend, I could just write forever.... Stress has finally caught up wth me, I haven't felt this sick in ages. Whattashame, to be sick on weekends! I badly need a vacation. sigh.

Dreaming Much

I attended a seminar a few nights back and the speaker said: when we were small children, we dreamed big dreams. We wanted material stuff like big houses, cars, jewelry, travel, etc. When we grew up the big bubble of a dream was reduced to about a marble-size longings and broken promises.



And the reason she gave is that when we grew up, we realized that our dreams depend on our purchasing power. We cannot dream big when we don't have money, A one big road block to our dreams.




Hmmm. For a moment, I seem to agree with her that our dreams become smaller by the year we gain. How can we achieve our dreams if we cannot move mountains?

BUT, for the life of me, I just don't believe it! I won't!!

I believed in Maany Villar's famous line EVEN THE POOR CAN DREAM (Hindi Bawal Mangarap ang Mahirap). Dreaming is free! We can dream BIG, dream much, dream more, for all we care. And with hardwork and perseverance, we really can make those dreams come true. Lack of money certainly is not one roadblock that would keep us from forging on!

If we don't have money, can we not dream at all?



And when grown up people reduce their dreams to pea size aspirations, can we ever be hopeful again? I'm no longer a kid, but I still dream big. I still dream much. Who cares about money? LOL.

Last time I checked, my dream bag seems still almost to the brim!

I still dream of buying pretty flats.

I still want to travel in style.

I still dream for a house by the lake, with a red swing and a pretty front porch.

I still dream of sunny breakfasts every weekend with loved ones.

I still dream of me and lil one on weekend shopping spree!

I still dream of visiting Rome.

AND I still think I can make these dreams come true before I die. (LOL)



I think those kinda grown ups, like the speaker a few nights back, reduced their dreams not because of money. But because of their fear of disappointment. With that, they cut down their lists, throw away some dreams to accommodate the big space for WHAT IFs and MAYBEs.

There will always be disappointment, no matter what, no matter which road we take. But for every unrealized dream is a new dream, a new hope. Why should we let go?

Without dreams, without hope, what is left for us?

JUST isnt Right.

REALLY?

I have a confession to make: It affects me.

I hate to say it, I hate to even think about it, BUT it DOES. And I know I've made a good number of excuses and gave a hundred more shrugs, but sometimes, that just doesn't cut.

It affects me, and even just saying that AFFECTS me.

There are reasons why these walls are made of bricks and hard cement.
There are reasons why time is always, always considered holy for me.
There are reasons why I don't believe in smiling too much. or talking too much about mundane things. or believing in JUST BECAUSE.

I hate it.

There are reasons why the door will remain closed.
There are reasons why I prefer to just work, bake and cook and write.
There are reasons why green or smiley does not appear.


I hate it.

There are reasons why I keep to myself.
There are reasons why staying in the safe zone is always the safest thing.
There are reasons why I think I should not and don't believe in first chances, second chances, whatever.

I hate it.

There are reasons why I am not keen on Maybes.
There are reasons why NO is created.
There are reasons why I prefer to see my world as I see it and want it. Or why we forget. Or why we just let things shrug off.

There are reasons why I think this way, feel this way, even act this way.
And these reasons are my own, and they're sacred and crazy important.

It's not easy to take a chance. Only to find out it was crazy foolish. It's not OKAY to feel not okay when there simply isn't an option for NOT okay!

It just isn't right.

Two Simone's?

Is it abnormal to imagine having twins?

D posted piks from iPhoto with Coco having oodles of fun making funny faces and seeing double. Lil one spent that day playing hide and seek with my friends D and D, and signing and dancing and twirling. LOL. I could not imagine a work life with my lil one around! There's just so much fun when she's around, no one wants to actually sit and down and just pound words away.

Then my friend G, posted, that she loved the agua.bendita picture, and if I could imagine if I had twins?

TWINS!



I paused for a bit and I know, it would just be super dooooper double the fun!

I remember the fortune tellers who have told me that I am destined to become a mother to twins. And maybe, after hearing this piece of fortune from two different persons may have actually seeded in my unconscious the desire to become a mom to twin babies... LOL. Gosh, that gives me the goosebumps!! But if Lil One is Agua.Bendita; two beautiful kiddos; twins... it would really be double the love, double the blessings :) Imagine,

Two princesses twirling in front of my mirror.

Two I love you, Mommies before shut eye.

Two tight hugs in a single embrace.

Two dreams merging with my own...

Everything in two. Everthyting twice as much. Everything more.



BUT before I go into the expenses portion, which would undoubtedly blow up the stars in my eyes, I know that with Lil One, it's just double the everything even if she's just one.




There will always be this only one person who holds my heart. Only one little soul that will always make me feel the craziest blessed woman on this side of the planet.

SIGH.

Baby gurl is growing up fast. She'll be turning 3 in a couple of months, and tonight, she started making reference to drinking milk from a glass instead of her bottle. And she didn't wear diapers to sleep tonight too. During the afternoon short walk we did today, we went to cross the bridge and back and lil one asked me why there are people living under the bridge. And as I search for a meaningful answer to say, I just couldn't, for the life of me, understand it either. And suddenly, I felt lil one is really growing up before my eyes.

Lil One is snoring her way to dream land now. And I should be pounding words away about my topic for the week. And quit this daydreaming. LOL.

Aint this perfect?

I have been quiet lately, with a million thoughts running through my mind. I am not sure where the restlessness come from though. Nor do I really understand what kinda emotion that's sitting on my heart for a time.

Like, I miss going to the movies. It's been AGES since i've watched a film in a moviehouse. I miss that other end. I miss.. a lot of things. I am tired of hating that B**** at my workplace and tired of constantly being vindictive and wishing she'd just fall dead. sigh. I'm wanting a lot of things, wanting to go to x number of places, to do a few new things, a few old ones..

But when weekend comes, I feel oddly at peace.

Woke up late this morning to a wonderful sunrise. My lil one and I spent most of the day playing, reading stories, watching Princess and the Frog for the millionth time. AND cooking :)Work just went totally out of the window.

Since it's such a warm day, we decided to make banana peach fritters, or popularly known as TURON, to go with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Lil one was quick to take her spot in the kitchen and started sifting and getting things together.







We also made peach floats, since we have awfully many peaches left.







Peach floats turned out to be onehelluva better than the usual mango floats we make.

These kinda afternoons reminds us of the laid back summers we spend during younger years. It reminded me of the humid, summer days spent with the rest of the tapulan kids, inc. AND wishing we could make banana fritters and sit around the table for the usual afternoon chats. I miss my sis and Cuzn T sorely.

Lil one does too. But no matter, today, it's just one of those that can be categorized under awesome. Some of life's moments that just makes me say "awwww, aint this perfect?"

Well. Not quite. But almost there ;)

Daydreaming with an Open Mind

Little one tagged along at work today. Spent a few hours playing with iphoto, playing hide and seek, going around with mom's friends, and doing what she does best: being cute. :)

We also went around to shop for a toddler school. AND i almost wanted to puke at the expense and skyrocket tuition fees. :( I know lil one is better off in somewhere with a non-traditional educational system, and she needs to be in a group of kids her age. But the cost of it all, makes me a bit sad. How the hell did tuition fees become that expensive in like, a zap??

I tagged her along so she could choose which one she likes best, but I'm thinking that since she's still considered as a visitor, why pay an exorbitant sum yet? I

She IS a fast learner, she IS extremely inquisitive and she IS really eloquent too. I want something that would help her learn some finesse, help her bring out her artistic side and maybe encourage her to sing and dance more, since she awfully IS good at these!

And I wanted her to make new friends too. Cuz she loves being with people, and you can see her eyes twinkle when she says: Tagu-taguan na.. My friend T told me Coco shouldn't be attending school just yet, cuz she's too young. And that she'll probably lose interest in education when she grows older. BUT when you see your lil gurl having this potential to have an increased 7+ IQ points, could it be sooo bad to actually try and see if this gets any better?

All depends on lil one's decision though. Her interest in school and activities will tell me if it's time to send her to school.

Tonight, we marinated the Honey Lemon Chicken i'm baking for tomorrow's lunch. And she informed me maybe a bit of cayenne pepper should be tossed in. And I grin at the idea, cuz ever since she learned that she could salt, squeeze a bit of lemon and sprinkle some pepper, she has taken this as her personal mission to be my cooking aide.



AND I am surprised at how quickly she picks up.

And so, I dream of my lil one becoming a chef one day. Some days, I think she's going to be ballet dancer. Others, I think a model or an actress. Sometimes, I feel like she really is going to be a nurse or a teacher. And my foremost wish of her to become a doctor. Who knows? She might even be the next Philippine President :D

Yesterday, she wanted to be Ariel the little mermaid. Today, she wanted to be like Mommie- crazy kick ass beautiful LOL. And she gives me a noisy smooch and a bear hug and says a LOUD Good Night Ma, Mwah mwah.

Aww I just love my lil gurl. And Ariel, Chef, Dancer, Mother, Teacher, Nurse, Doctor.... whatever she wants to be!!

My Mother is A Princess in a Superhero Costume

I always get sentimental on Mother's Day. But this year, it's a bit different. My little one spent it with the whole family, with the usual family Sunday Lunch- we took out our pyrexes from the cupboards and filled the room with fresh flowers in transparent vases. Each mom (except for lola grandma who is the Queen Bee) zapped a few secret recipes that deserved the ahhhs and ooohhs and brilliant comments from everyone. :)

It was a lovely lunch on such a humid day.

Afterwards, me and my cuzn T went on a tagalog movie marathon, with all the corny lines, pinoy dances and crazy love plots, we were actually, anything but puking. I happen to actually like it (Ssssshhh!! I'd never admit this in public! LOL) and maybe planning to get more of the classic Sharon Cuneta dvds. LOL When my little one woke up from her afternoon nap, I took her to visit my mom's tomb. Brought flowers and scented tea lights and with my little one in tow, I said a few prayers of remembrance. And I told Coco some stories about mommie's mommie.

I spent my third mother's day going back to my roots and loving the complicated family I am blessed with. As a solo parent, i'm taking all the credit for raising such a beautiful child (nyahaha) but I also give this honor to my lil sister, C, who has been Coco's second mom. And to all my aunts, and of course, queen bee Lola who throw in some good and strong love in between.

I've read somewhere that a mother is the place where we will always run to in times of happiness, success, sadness or fear. Our mothers will always be the only person who will understand and whose love will always endure. I will always be the Home Coco will always come back to, with a grin, a laugh or even tears on her eyes.

I'm not sure if my Coco has any idea what today is, nor did I really feel the hype of the day much, BUT today is such a special day. I know I am happy today, to realize that my little one has always treated me special in all my ordinary days.

She always brings me yellow flowers when she finds and happens to pick one.
She gives me tight hugs every single chance she gets and especially on days I feel so overwhelmed and so alone. She knows how to say "I'm Sorry" and mean it. She knows her manners, helps in my cooking and baking and looks at me lovingly like i'm some kind of hero. She always assures me that I am the best mom in the world... Most importantly? She makes me feel that I am right in giving all my love to this one little person who makes me her whole life too.

I am a woman capable of loving whole heartedly, unconditionally.. I am a woman raised to become independent, strong willed and strong hearted. I am also a woman born and molded into becoming a mother of love. All these, thanks to my beautiful mother whose love transcended heaven and earth and has unceasingly watched over me and my sis, C. And of course, to the many pseudo moms who have endured on raising and straightening a lil brat as me hihi

Motherhood is never easy. But it certainly is the most rewarding.

Happy Mommie's Day, all. Love to all the mothers! Indeed, we are all SuperWomen. :)

Investing Time

I'm watching my daughter play pretend and do role playing with her friend, C. And I could not help but marvel at how absolutely beautiful my lil one is. She's such a sweet person! A loving, funny, thoughtful daughter who never fails to make the people around her feel important. She always makes it a point to give me a hug and a warm embrace or two, for no particular reason. And I feel like I am the most blessed person on earth.

Just before breakfast, we called up my lil sister, Tita C, to just talk about anything. At this early, we start cooking lil one's birthday party. So we began talking about party favors and Coco's preferences. We always have these "conference calls", to just talk about mundane little things.

Yes, I am a firm believer in a little bit of effort goes a long way. And investing time on people that matters to you is investing in solid relationships.

My friend T, who recently broke up with her beau, found herself being called demanding for wanting to spend some Q time in between work days. In my opinion, the man didn't deserve to be even loved by her. Such a waste of precious emotion and precious time!

You know, EXBF M, if you aren't willing to invest a bit of time on my friend T, then you are not worthy of being invested some bit of emotion. Whattajackass!!

But you know, he may have his reasons. For whatever they may be, I still don't wanna hear the stupidity of all of it. LOL He should try searching responsibility and breeding in the dictionary, and while at it, maybe try to absorb the meaning too.

On the lighter note, here are a few Coco one liners that made me feel really good: laugh when:

* Coco demanded that i GOOGLED her favorite lullaby, and that it's in YouTube and that I should "Search it Bahhh"
* She said at night she becomes the little mermaid, with long flowing hair. And that I transform to being Cinderalla. (Wowwwww- I wonder if my pumpkin of a prince will show up at the ball)
* She made puking sounds when I told her we have fish paksiw (in native vinegar) for breakfast.. And i quickly stifled a laugh knowing that she got this aversion towards the smell and taste of vinegar from me. LOL
* Last night, she off handedly called me "Super Mommie"
* Lola Grandma gave her two slices of papaya yesterday, and she left one in the ref cuz she saved it for me.. (aww) Coco: para maka poops ka ma. LOL
* She laughed before closing her eyes. AND I asked, what's so funny? Coco said: Tawa nalang ko Ma, kai sige lang ka trabaho. (WOOOOOHH)

And my most favorite realization for today came from Coco:

THAT we should spend some bit of our time with the people who matter most to us. Otherwise, the relationship is not as important as we would like to claim.

Superheroes and Villains out to save mankind

My good friends, R and M, used to tell me to stop trying to save mankind. Because it simply does not work. And tonight, I am reminded of this important piece of advice as I sat on my way home and realized that the many relationships I have maintained stemmed from the same premise: I can change the world and I could save mankind.

Though I never really vocally or consciously adhere to this, I have seen the record. And I could not argue with the statistics. I am such a poor fan of being the hero.

I found a new friend today, T. She's also a single mother for the past x number of years. But her kids are all grown up now and she's almost there living the gypsy kinda life. And a few of the topics we have touched over dinner was finding the right answers to the numerous, never ending questions- which turned out to be more or less similar to those I hold close to my heart. And also, figuring out the unconscious preferences we have buried deep down.

And I, I have discovered that I should stop trying to save mankind. Because I can not. It's not possible. It just doesn't happen. And in truth, I would realize that most of the time, I am the best as a villain. LOL

That's the common denominator in all of them, and in every puddle I found myself stuck in. I am always the champion for the underdogs, sucker for the bad and the ultimate gubby. sigh. so?

But can we ever do paradigm shifts and alter what we have always been accustomed to doing? Can we ever be truly happy once we deviate to our usual, normal, predictable choice?

My greatest problem is that when I listen to my heart, I begin to think with my heart. Like, the whole of the red thing goes up to my head and fills up and occupies the space where my brain used to sit. My decisions, judgememnts, what have yous, are never really hundred percent logical. Almost always, they're laced with stars in the eyes and stupid grins and a hundred justifications/excuses for everything.

And so, could I ever stop from trying to save mankind? Or would I just continue the fight, and maybe one day, come full circle. And actually save mankind?

When we take out the IM in IMPOSSIBLE.

I think i’m in love with an idea. I’m in love with something I just discovered. Like some sort of epiphany, a split second realization that brings this smile on our faces. And it’s funny, cuz I spend some hours of my waking time thinking about it. And I feel like I completely understand it, and completely confused at the same time. LOL.

Not really. When I let my heart roam freely, it usually gets caught in a net of the unimaginable. And so, I always hold it closely, more often with chains and a lock. There isn’t anyone to blame, and there isn’t a lot to say about it either. It just does, I just do.
I don’t believe in fairytales anymore, and I have serious doubts on happy endings and white horses too. No, it’s not anyone’s fault that people build walls around their hearts and their lives. And it isn’t anyone’s fault that we constantly shrug off the idea of perfect relationships or even relationships in general. And maybe if cynicism has caught up with us, we would always wear a frown and a shrug every time the heart sign turns neon.

But can you ever imagine discovering the word MAYBE?

No, I don’t need a man. I am fine on my own. No, I don’t want a father for my daughter. She has a lot of father figures in her life. No, I don’t want your big shot stories, I’ve had enough of that. No, I don’t want to date around just so I could say I am dating. No, I don’t want you to set me up with anyone, I’ve had enough blind dates before my daughter was born.

Yes, I am serious!

But can you ever imagine me taking out the IM in impossible?

Chances are, we could. Afterall, our minds work in mysterious ways. And our hearts too.

And so, I find myself loving fairy tales again –(though not really believing them yet again). And being happy about giddiness and other people’s fantastic love stories. And I admire the little flowers that bloom on trees, the cute hearts posted on a boutique window. AND I feel like I know.

Sometimes, when we discover what a perfect relationship is like, whether we are in one or not, whether we are looking for it or not, whether we believed in it or not, we just know.

And that, that is the idea I am in love with—that a perfect fairytale always awaits each and every one of us.

Don’t ask me though, how long the wait is gonna be. I have absolutely no effin idea! LOL

Mondays in Summer

I got the print outs last Friday. And I could not choose which ones we wanted framed. Here are a few of the shots that are close to my heart. From the hundreds, more than half turned out to be personal favorites.











And, as we cap this long weekend, listen to hemp republic :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tQdqSzoiys&feature=related for a much needed summer feel.

Enjoying my Monday with a lot of ♥

Deleting Unwanted Vibes.

I had the longest afternoon naps in the past months. I woke up with my lil one shaking my shoulders and proclaiming she needed to go to the restroom. Hearing her hushed voice still brings a smile to my face.

I've been really tired this week. I'm always tired when my boss is in town. Maybe cuz he always manages to squeeze in a lot more extra work than needed and would require us to haul ass twice more than usual. I'm also tired of dealing with the B**** in our team, I'm tired of hating her this much and wanting to wring her neck so. I'm tired of her childish attitude and her equally immature partner. I'm tired of taking in negative vibes from both of them. AND i'm seriously tired of having to put up with their unacceptable behavior.

I told myself that this has got to stop. I mean, it could only affect if I would let it right? I don't know what is the DEAL with her, but every time that I find a little thing worthy of being happy about, she just finds some needle to blow everything up.

But Enough already. I owe it to myself to be free from this excess baggage. She isn't even worthy of this space in my blog. She definitely does not deserve a place in my world.

AND So,

I promise myself to not say anything about her (of course, they're all bad LOL).
I promise not to bitch.
I promise not to mind her.
I promise to let her bitchiness roll down my shoulders.
I promise to stay in my personal space.
I promise to block her from my view, my work, my life.
I promise to take deep breaths and count one to ten when I feel like punching them both.
I promise to let ugly sidekick be, and to not make her feel like she does look like Petrang Kabayo whenever I could. Afterall, it really isn't her fault she was born ugly.

I will let these mundane things go, let every small thing and day pass, and I will keep my promises simply because I want to delete her from my world. and I want to be untired.

And I must remember, that the last person who has made me feel THIS tired and this fed up isn't actually lounging on her laurels. Must say, karma comes and when it does, it bites you in the ass. So, go on, bitch on for all I care. You definetely won't be having the last laugh.

Embrace only the beautiful, accept only the Happy. -- This weekend's reaffirmation.
RADIATE only LOVE. And attract only Love. sigh :D

BTW, my framed pictures look absolutely great!- happy thought :D I love LOVE!! yeee!