Thank You for choosing to be on the side of me.

I stumbled upon Corrinne May and discovered this one good song: On the Side of Me.
For now, I couldn't shake it off, kept playing in my playlist, kept playing in my head. She mostly sums up my life. Sums up the variety of emotions i've gone through.

...........Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
When its cold outside
And there's no place to go
Yeah, everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
But you......

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you. you've opened your heart
To show me what I'm worth
Cause you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me.........

It's the kind of song that you listen to one early, gloomy, rainy, morning.. and makes you think how blessed you have been.

The endless conversations. The hugs.

For feeling angry when I'm too weak and sad to be even mad. For feeling happy when i'm too overwhelmed to feel that lil happiness. For making me realize that life doesn't end.

For the hope. For the good times. For the bad ones. For taking the time to ask how I am. For making me feel that yes, I am not alone. For making me realize that no matter what, I'd always have a friend in you.

Thanks for sticking by me, you've made my roughest years easy.

When Coco Says the Craziest Things

Coco woke me up early this morning and exclaims that I’ve overslept again. Overslept and missed the early morning Sunday mass. She tells me this as if she’s the mom and I’m the daughter. And she says it with much conviction, and with a perfect imitation to my “I’m already exasperated and mad” look, that I couldn’t help but smile in my half asleep state. BUT this fully wakes me up from my 2 hour slumber.

Our conversations would usually go like two mini adults talking, no baby talk just pure and honest conversations between really point-driven individuals. She has her own opinion and she has her preferences, and she doesn’t blink an eye when she tells you honestly what you need to hear. I have about a hundred funny moments with her saying too frank stuff that causes others to be embarrassed but mostly, I have about a few (okay, a lot) that leaves me rolling my eyes.

1. Coco on my cooking skills:

This morning she insisted I cook her early breakfast. And informs me that she needs to eat now, her teddies (she calls them mga anak) are already hungry.

Coco: Ma, gutom na ko (Ma, I’m hungry already). Gutom na ako mga anak.
Me: Unsa imu gusto kaunun for breakfast? (What do you want to eat for breakfast?)
Coco: Unsa man imu kaya lutuon?? (What can you cook??)

And with this, I reached for a can of tuna and some eggs. I CAN cook breakfast.

2. On finding the right pair of shoes:

A month or so ago, we were searching for the perfect pair of shoes for her to wear at Tita Hana’s wedding. I insisted on something glittery so she could wear it with her other dresses. And she says she won’t wear something that hideous.

Me: Let’s buy this Co, it will look good on you.
Coco: Dili ko ganahan ug gold. Kakulba ana, kapangit.
Me: It’s nice, it’s like your dora gladiators, they’re gold too.
Coco: I Know.
Me: Good, so let’s get this one, It will look good on your other dresses too.
Coco: I’m not wearing the other dresses to the wedding. This wouldn’t look good on the wedding dress. (In her original version: Dili man ang uban na dress ako gamitun sa wedding. Dili ni bagay sa ako wedding dress)

And with this, we got her the peach one, with a nice big ribbon. At least we both agreed that ribbon is the way to go.

3. On Losing Weight:

Last week, I came home with a piece of tuna pie for my little one. As promised, I gave her the pie’s half and told her to eat the other half in the morning.

Coco: Nganu tunga ra? (Why only half?)
Me: Cuz you’re already big na, your tummy is big already
Coco: Oh? Nganu ikaw one whole man, ako half ra?

I’m telling you, my tummy is NOT that big…

4. On beauty and plastic surgery:

Coco: Ma, nagpalit ka ug liug? (Ma, did you buy a NECK?)
Me: HA?
Coco: Liug bah. Kai wala koy liug, palit nalang ta liug. (Neck. Cuz I don’t have one, pointing to her double chin, let’s buy neck nalang)

Yes. Blank stare. And a whole hour of laughter.

5. On finding the right guy.
Coco never really cared if the family pictures don’t consist of the usual family tree. She seems to understand that it’s mostly me and her. And tita Corie and the whole Lolo and Lola, Titas and Titos line up. But this one morning she asked me if I’d ever start looking for someone-anyone in my life.

Coco: Ma, ngita ka ug uhmmm?
Me: No. Nganu man?
Coco: Nganu man dili?
Me: Kai di mana gapangitaun. You and me are okay right?
Coco: Yeah. Pero if dili ka mangita, makakita kaha ka?

What the??? Where does she get these lines? I never taught her anything even remotely referring to my love life. Or lack of it. And she drops series of bombs and ending it with: Kakulba gud ana, Ma.

Talk about kids saying the most bizarre things. Have a small chit chat with my little one and you’ll roll over with her simple humor and straight to the point hard facts. Sometimes, I get to think, this little girl named Coco is actually my twin, my soulmate, my alter ego- trapped in a two-year-old’s body. Yes, she just turned two!

A bit of that falling star

Imagine the wishes!

Mayenne told me about the meteor shower that's happening tonight. Was super thrilled to even think about the possibility of seeing a falling, uhm, star that I rushed to see if maybe I could catch a glimpse of even just one. or yes, a few! Cold, scared, who cares? It is bound to be simply awesome :)

My good friend rafa is somewhere in our old place, wearing off that ICs coffee and waitin for the shower to begin. As he recounted some old LB stuff we did: Jackson Nights. LOL. Okrayan blues. The Walking along Grove. Thoooose. We both wished for another round of good ol LB dose. Oh. One wish! And then we decided now is a real good time to reach for the stars, and make that long awaited wishlist.

So here goes:

* a few cents and a cup of coffee at tordesillas, at isis, at bos. at wherever, with good friends and good music.
* a really good conversation. to tell you honestly why it is like this. then maybe.
* a few movie tickets to watch some good films.
* more weekend getaways for Corie and Ting- with or without me and Cocogurl! (lol) more more more funnn :)
* a bit of chimara and slow death with joanne and art.
* more writing jobs. more knock knocks. better year ahead.
* a chance to take Coco, Vanilla and Baby Bop out for one really fun weekend. without work. worries. or watchamacallits.
* some bit of that...
* and some more craziness with the whole gang.
* a slice of mudcake.
* a pretty head band... and a good hair day.

could ask for more. but will stick to these for a bit cuz some good things are just around the corner. with meteor shower shining down, we already know the wishes our little hearts make up every single night. Take a coin and ride the train that will take you there. Some days flowers grow from concrete. And rains don't come when we're expecting it. It's just the way our lives are supposed to be.

Wish and wish and wish for a whole lot more. And you'll see the good things right at your side. Meteor shower or one falling star, we get the idea.

Happy wishing guys. :)

Big Miracles. Small Miracles.

I badly need a miracle. Life Changing Mind Boggling Miracle.

Today was a heavy day for me. And as I sat there listening, I found my heart sighing and almost breaking. It's hard for me to not empathize. And it is harder for me to break away from the emotions too. I know, there is good in it, as there is always good in everything that happens. And as I say this to the people I spoke with, I tried convincing myself the same.

I don't want this heavy feeling. I don't want to be this sad or affected either. And so I think of snapping out of it and remember my usual day savers: Thank God for small Miracles.

Sometimes, we get too caught up in our own predicaments, that we fail to see others around us suffering also. Sometimes, we get too caught up in our mess that we fail to realize that we've had another day to make things right. Sometimes, we see changes as overwhelming and terrifying that we fail to understand that God has everything planned out.Sometimes, we just have to worry to feel like we are actually in control. Sometimes, we just don't see the little things, because we are too fixed on one huge emotion. But it's just okay. We are but humans, who are wired to think and make realizations and feel a variety of emotions.

Over the years, I have learned to just let go and allow things to unfold. Although this has been a thing for me since my last falling out, a little reminder is a good thing to have in your pocket. And then you'd learn to marvel at how moments lead to another, and see the dusts settle in time.

Praying has always been my source of strength and I hope it will be also for you. Faith is a personal relationship with your creator. Even if you just let your tears flow, no words are necessary to describe how you feel or what you think. He already knows.

Sometimes, trusting is just so hard. It feels like jumping into an abyss and not knowing for sure if you'll live or die. The being scared of the unknown part is more terrifying than the actual jumping. But the trust part comes when you just let go. And then you'll know that either He has taught you to fly, or He has prepared to catch your fall.Terrified, shaking scared, I know. But just let go.

My small miracle came to me tonight with Coco feeling way better and we snuggled in bed for some good night stories. And I gladly put my writing jobs aside and read marvels with my only one. And now looking back at that moment, I figured out why I was still able to sleep with not so much of a heavy heart. I have my Coco to constantly remind me of the Hands of God, i'm sure you also have your little miracles knocking and waiting.

My heart hasn't purely recovered from that conversation. But a good reminder has made it feel a bit better. And the fact that we have this writing thing that makes us realize over and over (TOO MANY realizations lately!), will make things better.

So, if ever you'd come across my blog, Cheer up, you know who you are :)

Curing Insanity: Dose by dose.

Lately, have been thinking too much. And have realized that there is just too much insanity in my life. too much craziness i think I have become a walking idiot. This is what happens when we have some free time. haha More of those I think, You think, Maybe, I know conversations result to this: realizations.

But that's just it, your hands are full of these realizations, both good and bad. And you're still in the process of sorting them out and throwing what must be thrown, and keeping what must be kept. But this process cannot happen overnight. In my case, it couldn't even happen over the weekend. Sometimes, there's just the later alligator factor. And you haven't really finally decided. But you know.

The signs are there! What other sort of epiphany do I need to see and want to witness before I finally say I KNOW NOW. But you know, the brain is a stubborn thing. The heart? More. Combined? Almost impossible.

All I know for sure is that some room for some more is kind of immaterial at the moment. Unnecessary even. And this conclusion, I found in Coco's medicine bottle: Administer every four hours until fever is gone.

This is what I need: a reminder every four hours until the insanity subsides.

Baby Bear getting better. :)

I came home from two jobs and found Coco with a fever. She was still smiley though when i arrived and informed me she was yayay... I brought kool fever on my way home, and some good night silent night to make her feel better. Her pedia says it's her colds and her cough. But nothing to be alarmed about. But for all the nights I spent before, watching over her get through fever after fever, I still could not get use to the sight of her in yayay... It breaks my heart. Breaks my heart to hear her say she's cold. Or see her cry cuz she wants to be carried. Or feel that she wants to sleep but couldn't cuz of clogged nose.

You'll never really get immune to these type of feelings. Despite the many fevers, stomach upsets, asthma attacks, or lbms you go through together. But I'm not in the panic mode anymore. When her temperature reached past 39, I didn't find myself crying or dialing her pedia's number. A year ago, I would have jumped on the next trip to the hospital. LOL.

Coco's fine now, she woke me up to say she doesn't feel cold anymore. Gave her ice baths the whole night to lower her temperature. And she kept crying and saying she doesn't want it. But finally, she was able to sleep around 3 in the morning, that straight kinda sleep. And finally, was able to sleep myself as well.

We'll drop by her pedia again this morning to see that she doesn't need further medications. We had to keep Vanilla (the puppy) outside so Coco wouldn't have any more of asthma attacks. Instead of giving vanilla away right?

I know Coco is feeling way better now, cuz she reached for the book i bought her last night and told me to read her the story. :) Silent Night. Better Night.

She helped me snap out of it. And finally put me back in track.

When I get weak, He is my strength.

I didn't ask for this. And I didn't want it. But it happened. And I'm tired of getting mad. Or getting even. Feeling sad. Or frustrated. Or tired of even feeling so tired. It's true, When something goes wrong, it's just one after another. Rolling down the hill like a huge snowball waiting to explode. And with all that has happened the past seven days, i kinda want to roll over and just die.

Have you ever been so mad you wanted to shout until all the anger is gone? But you can only cry so hard to make it all go away? It's how I feel. And it's something that I know no one can really understand. Some point, I can take it. This time, I don't hundred percent think I can. Not really. My heart says I want to give up. But I know I wouldn't. Not cuz I can't but I really don't want to.

And I remember, my little prayer book and flipping through the pages, i found Psalm 71:9 Do not forsake me when my strength is spent

He will provide what I lack. And will understand what I won't. My God, my personal saviour is my refuge. And it is because I believe in HIM that I do not want to be mad. And resigned myself to be unfeeling. Whatever it is going to be, somewhere,somehow, I know that His Will be done.

And for whatever the point of all the rolled up hurts, He will give me reason. And will give me light. And this will give me renewed strength.

Words for Others. Writing for Me.

Ghostwriters: that’s what they are; A whole new breed of underground society. These ghostwriters pull words from the sky and abyss and sling them together to make one, two, more masterpieces. They're like mercenaries, hired to pick their brains and contribute to a whole other world of stiff competition. They write for people needing to write. And they write for a price.

Bound by kings to not say a word about pieces, they are to never write and own. But write to contribute. write to give. write to let people who cannot- or does not have time- to write. To let them feel they have written something and call them as their own. In the end, they speak our words. absorb our ideas. work our values. They digest what we have written and internalize our beliefs.

Someone told my good friend that these kinda writers are becoming like robots-functioning only because it is necessary. Writing because some other people want to write something. Like an instant noodle, these so-called masters can now produce literary works, speeches, articles and even theses in a blink of an eye. And this someone said it like it left a bad taste in his mouth.

Writing requires skill. It requires talent and a whole lot of brain work. For us who regard ourselves as "some kind of a writer", we do not feel like robots functioning out of necessity. This is our passion. We write because we can. and we want to. Most importantly, we write because we love to catch words and live for sleepless nights. It is a writer thing.

Me and my 'some kinda writer' friend browsed through the web and found articles posted under my pseudonym and we both say: Wow. This is great. Uber. :) And we access some other links that posted my pieces that are already given away. And i didn't feel bad at all. More like, i was even proud. Is it just me? or Or is it really that I am twisted?? Not that I don't care about credits, who wouldn't give a s*** about that? But I have this. My blogspot. I'll get all the credits that I want and still live with that. LOL.

This friend of mine stood in the halls of a government office. And heard in amazement her words come to life. And it pinched her heart too. But she smiles. She knows she's good. She's a writer. Not anything else.

For every great politician, artist, designer, intellectual or webmaster is a brilliant ghost writer. Brilliant with a capital B. Don't ever forget that.

In some kind of limbo.

I was online with my really close buds from college, and we were talking about random things, past the hi how are u, and ended up discussing about how we are shaped with some choices we made in the past. and finally realizing that we all go back to our conversation at isis cafe many many many nights ago..

Like, if you are gay, single mommie, or single single and you find yourself in between this and that, lodged and stuck in a moment where specifications are not created, how do we stop the clock from ticking? more importantly, which buttons are we gonna push to make all IT happen? Stuck in some sort of limbo, yet still in control of how things will play out, the next few chapters that are gonna be added may involve another isis meet up. and a range of colors splashed in the most unlikely places.

Late bloomers. That's what we always call ourselves. Slow streak during the first year. And a crazy roller coaster ride on the last. And what do we do? Pray that God will make it happen NOW. Yet have you ever wondered about reaching for that one dream? that one wish? and when finally it's facing you, you realize, you don't really long for it anymore? Like an enlightenment of some sort? And have you ever had that feeling that you don't wish for anything more than this? That too many realizations have finally dawned, that you couldn't even make up a decent wishlist.

And so, we come to conclude, that as much as we wanted a picket fence kinda life. And that freshly baked pie smell. It's only gonna happen if fate allows it to happen. IF we allow it to happen. And somewhere along those lines, we all realized that there are a lot more than to that yearning. And I for one, have finally understood that life became full when i knew my worth. And my purpose. And the dreams etched in my brain is this, me living it half-fully. half making it there. IN other words, almost and close :)

Rafa asked: Where can gays stand when they reach their 30s? And I ask back. How will single mommies do when we reach the 30s?? Van told me, there is no tomorrow for her. BUT as we all started to say good nights, we all knew how the music will play out. And yes, it's still back to the isis coffee table. Coffee and Beer don't go together!
But a lot of the stories will hold the vodka in.

Oh well, Figure it out! We have a lifetime to do it. And I have the whole night to wish this effin colds away.

Gudnyt world :) Tomorrow is another one of those coffe.beer day.

Tree lights. And a present. :)

Coco and I finished setting up our tree last night. Feeling the Christmas spirit already! Looked for old stockings and santa heads that we'd be hanging on our windows and doors and she kept giggling as christmas balls fall from tree up high. It's what i really love most Christmas, seeing Coco light up everytime the tree lights go on. The yayas put on christmas lights on all the upstairs windows, so the whole house kinda lights up when night comes. This feeling is like nothing could be more perfect than this..

Tita Corie and Tita Ting ting would be far away this holidays, and i'm sure it wouldn't really be the same. Our house feels a whole lot quieter than the usual. With a whole less singing and chatter that you can hear, you can almost think this old big house is empty. If it weren't for Coco's gleeful screams and laughter,and of course, Lola's endless chatter, it would really be that.

Lil gurl got her first Christmas present last night. Brought home Chingching for real, and I tied a big red ribbon on her basket before showing her to Coco. And she asked me, what's your surprise Ma? and right then and there, ChingChing showed her head and peeked at the little . Talk about movie moments! :)

We got the first on our Christmas wish list already.. And might be drawing up the complete list anytime soon! LOL.

SUPERWOMAN. Or not.

I'm not a superwoman. I also get tired. and i also get mad. Sometimes I also get frustrated and I feel helpless! Most of the time, i'm collected. And composed. And even silly happy. And you may get to think that maybe I am a superwoman. Cuz sometimes, i force myself to believe that I am. But sometimes, i just wish... I could break apart. But not really.

Do you know how difficult it is to be a good single parent? Extremely. It's already difficult being a good parent, much more being single. LOL.

My day started real slow, it's Saturday. I'm supposed to bring Coco to the park. BUT I have an overtime request and a writing job to finish. And so I try to convince my little girl that we just watch YETI YETI before breakfast and I plan on starting to pound away on my notebook..I planned. But ended up watching movies with my little one. And reading her outrageous stories about toothache. Just cause my articles are about the topic. Haha :) Sometimes, when I have a few moments of free time, I get to think about our future. And the expenses that go along with good education. good life. good travel. good everythig. And then worry hits me. AND THEN i feel guilty that I spent my whole morning watching movies.... watching G-Force with Coco over and over.

But then again, I barely have time left for Coco.. Can one movie be sooo bad? No, i guess not! I finished all my articles faster than I could have imagined. Cleaned up the room faster than the usual. Computed the budget more efficiently the average... Talk about cramming. And keeping myself sane: we get to work more effectively, juggle time more efficiently. LOVE in between the minutes. And maybe finally convince myself and other people that Coco's mommie really is superwoman.

Coco came up to me this afternoon and told me she had a question to ask. I cringe at the thought that it might be that question again. And she popped it: Where is bochingching? (WHEW). I told her the same story about the little puppy we borrowed few days ago. Told her the truth, that ching ching had to go back to her mommie. and that she's still a baby. And guess what my brain of a kiddo told me, that's right mom, i don't want to be away from you/ i don't want you to leave me (IN Bisaya, "Ma, di ko ganahan byaan ko nimu and di ko ganahan tulog ko sa layu")

And that my dears, is precisely why i find it extremely hard to break apart. And i guess, there is just no need to. Everytime I feel like there is like too much for me to process. Or everytime I feel I'm sooo tired of living this 24 hour kinda life, Coco gives me those one liners that make me realize (DUH, ding, hello) that this is why I live a 24 hour kinda life. And she reminds me of the faith that keeps us going. (Ma, let's pray. and she makes the sign of the cross)

Superwoman? Who cares right? My Coco seems to think I am. :) So I GUESS I must be!

Trick or Treat. Treats or Tricks.

I was supposed to bring Coco trick or treating yesterday. But a huge migraine stopped me from even functioning completely.

Attended my close friend Lot's dinner the other night and the four of us, less Cookie, finally had the long awaited get together. It was FUN. FUN. FUN. I never thought I could laugh that hard. talk so much. sing more loudly. or eat some more. But we all did. :) Loy, Lot and Yen and Me- again.. Like the good ol times! A bunch of crazies sharing a lot of shrimps. and a lot of horse. LOL! Cooks, you should have been there...

Never crossed my mind, how sorely i missed those guys. BalLot still yaks a lot. Yaks more than I do! haha Still holds a lot of ideas in a single moment. And shares more in a millisecond. How can your stories never seem to tire us?? Even a game of bejeweled blitz can't keep me from you sharing insights. opinion and more stories. No matter how hard i press the word count button, it just shows infinity. SIGH. :)Buloy, i know ure really serious. I am too. But you don't really have to worry. I know and get what you mean. Completely. lol! But the greatest surprise came in Yen. Haha I love her to death and i gotta admit, the boobs look really good! :p even more than her hair.

Surprises at every turn, we all loved where our individual lives are heading. It's something no one can really understand. Nor fully know. But i guess we found in each other the thing that you call home. No matter how many tricks halloweens allow us to go through. No matter how many pumpkins we'd meet, there's just one nice thing at the end. We all end up with treats more than we could ask for...

Migraine and some, Coco and I still went trick or treating at our own place. Dressed up in crazy costumes and asked Lola for some treats. We got a handful and my coco and i felt way better. Halloween is really something magical. For kids her age and for well, mine.