My Breaking Dawn

Yesterday, I had the chance to stand in court and testify to the nullity of the marriage that barely existed.
My legs were literally shaking when I was called to the stand.

It didn't help that the room was full of people I don't recognize, because these people are about to hear one of the most private moments in my life.

It didn't help  that I was the only woman (apart from this one lady lawyer) not wearing slacks, because it made me feel like either the dress made me look like a stuck up or a snob. or simply out of place.

It didn't help that no matter how I kept my head down, there is always this one person who would look at me and make me feel like they know.

It didn't help that I had to say my name- and explain my relation to the person who performed the marriage civil rights. It made all things complicated.

But shaky legs, shaky hands and heartbeat pounding in my ears, I swore to tell the truth. And nothing but.

So I did.

(No matter how embarrassing it was.)

It was a good hour of non-stop questions, from the most obvious to the confusing.
Some questions made my hands shake like a leaf, some just drew blank stares from me.
Other questions made me relive the past, the others made me smirk (ok, maybe laugh a bit inside).

The drill went from:

Lawyer: In the Marriage Contract presented to this court, do you recognize the name (*****)?
Me: Yes.
Lawyer: What is your relationship with (name)?
Me: Silence. (I'm thinking, what IS my relationship with this man? I barely know him!)
Lawyer repeats the question.
Me: Husband? (me rolling my eyes in confusion and of course, in my mind only)

And the judge managed to smile. (LOLZ) - maybe inwardly smirk like me too. haha!

To

Lawyer: Is (name) your first boyfriend?
Me: (what's the relevance of this question again?) No.
Lawyer: Compared to your other boyfriends, how was he?
Me: (Seriously?!! How do you want me to answer that? LOL at crazy thoughts) SILENT.
Lawyer raises an eyebrow.
Me: He's okay. (SAFE!)
Lawyer: Okay what?
Me: (WTF.) Okay, in the sense that we didn't quarrel much. (Really. lolz)

To the clincher:

After asking the counsels to sit, the judge turns to me and motioned for me to stay put on the stand.
Judge: So, the reason for your separation is (*****)
Me: Yes. (And so many other things omitted)
Judge: Did you love him?
Me: (Wow, I haven't paused about this for a really long time already) Yes, I did.

Judge: Do you still love him now?
Me: (Without a doubt, or maybe for just a nano second there, I asked myself how I really feel now and then finally blurted a phrase I've always wanted to say honestly) Not anymore.

And that, my friends, I believe is my own breaking dawn.

I am no longer trapped in the wheel of my what if's and regrets. Five years worth of tears, now simply broken down and laid out to me in about 8 pages of petition and testimony. And all questions I kept repeating to myself have seemingly been answered by a 5 page report of a medical expert.

The process has not really broken dams of truth or enlightenment, but the whole procedure, the whole testifying and telling my honest side (okay, a part of my side) of the story to a bunch of strangers is, surprisingly liberating.

And as I walked out of that courtroom, I, for the life of me, am finally, truly, really sure of my NOT Anymore.

Thank you, Heaven.