Insanity

Wow, this whole writing an ebook thing is more difficult than I thought.

I've been stuck on a page for days. Adding stories, deleting lines. Re-writing everything and ending with a blank page with the cursor blinking back at me.

I thought, if it was my story to be told, how can it be so difficult to write?

But you know, even if the memories are etched and carved into your soul, the words don't just come tumbling out.

Like a blotted ink from a really old pen, the memories seem like REALLY old fiction residing in my head. And I have trouble in picking one, and make an apple pie out of it.

I can swim through them, paddle my way across certain scenes and end up on the shore-- empty handed.

Where have the words gone?

Little one was busy playing with the building blocks and gave me this half hour respite. It was almost bath time, so I went to prepare our bath stuff and her pajamas. I ran the water slow and waited for her to finish and for me to finally begin mommy duty.

So, I lit about twenty candles in my bathroom. And I sat there for a good half hour, I watched the lights flicker and listened to Adele. I sat on the toilet seat, with my creased journal and really old pen, I tried to get that much needed Me Time and maybe some lines to add to the story I am trying to recreate.

I sat there for a really long time, and I found myself just thinking.

That moment, I wondered what it's like to have a husband. I wondered how it is to have someone with me in all of this.

Usually, before I allowed myself to cross into that thin ice of a thought, I shake my head and ask if I even need one. Thereby, stopping whatever thoughts that will come dancing through.

Today though, it was different.

After the wondering, I actually wished for someone who I can actually love.
And take care of. (Shit, really!)

Insanity.

My daughter seemed to have sensed it, and stood in the bathroom door with a smirk on her face.
She was covered with chocolate, and her building blocks are swimming in a bucket of home made cocoa.

LOLZ.

She is a bundle that needs a lot of TLC.

I smiled and told her the bath is ready- just in time to get that chocolate covered face look bright and decent again.

So much for husband thoughts.