Anything but THAT

The other night, I got home from a long day's work and found my little one burning with fever.

And I almost panicked and wondered aloud how can she still have 38 temp when she's already got medicine for her asthma, for her fever, for her cough... AND I found her sitter with grandma's sitter, watching soap after soap, forgetting she also needs Paracetamol besides the cold baths. Forgetting that the medicine sched, my numbers, the emergency phone pasted on the fridge is there for a reason. I keep calling every two hours for a reason: DON't give me the "SHE's OKAY" when my little girl isn't!

I almost went ballistic.

I was way over my head mad. But I didn't say a word. Because I cried. Out of frustration, out of tiredness, out of despair.. I'm not quite sure. I cried because I feel like I just couldn't take it in anymore.

30 Minutes after I gave Coco the fever meds, and a few ice trays and bowls of cold water later, her temperature went back to 36.8. And finally, my little girl was able to sleep.

Someone told me that I was mad at myself more than at the yaya. And that I should not pass on my responsibilities to the sitter because primarily, I should be the one at her bedside.

AND that STING. Still makes me cry to hear it reverberate in my head.

Because if I had not been out working, trying to stay financially afloat, providing for my little one's future, THEN I deserved to be told that. If I had been wasting a minute sitting somewhere and letting the yaya administer care alone, then I deserved to be slapped with the word irresponsible.

BUT I wasn't.

I was out 14 hours because I have a dayjob, a second marketing job and a crazy ass schedule of sprinting from the farm,to the bank, to the marketing stint and back home. AND in between those hours, I've taken my little girl to her pulmo, bought medicines, nebulized or in Coco's better days, getting her a new bike or taking her out to lunch. AND at night, I don't even sleep because I administer medicine and cold baths. Or writing because we have bills to pay and savings to keep!

She thinks my life is easy and laid-back. Just because I hired two sitters to ensure the safety of my little one does not mean I am not a hands-on mom. Just because I don't look pauper-ish doesn't mean I have no financial troubles. Just because I am always in control doesn't mean that things don't go spinning.

Just because I can afford to bark orders and have multiple jobs doesn't mean that I am less of a mother.

Because primarily, I am a mother. Above all else, I am Coco's mom. And I am also her dad. Have you ever tried being both? Tell me how easy it is.

Above all else, my little girl comes first. In everything I do, Coco comes first. One day, when Coco wakes up and asks who the hell I am and I wake up not knowing ever inch and every smell of my little girl, then maybe I can be called irresponsible.

BUT today, don't call me that. Because I may be a lot of things but I certainly am not that. Never that.